Errrggggh
I've been extra crazy lately. Flying off the handle at random times. But the good part is i bring it bakc and real myself in a lot sooner thna i used to. That's Jason for you. he does me good. I jsut have to keep telling myself "it's not a big deal. its' not a big deal. its' not a big deal. i'm hungry" lol and i move on. it's jsut rough. i feel like i has no friends. it's different and strange.
i've been reading a lot. rather, reading at all. and it's cool. it's just NOT cool when i don't work Monday thru-Friday then work 2-11 Saturdays and Sundays. it fucks me up. it's like i have a week to myself then i lose 2 days. it doesn't help me. SOOOOOOOOoooooooooo i changed my availability at work so hopefully they will be giving me a LOT more hours... which is a good thing. i need the money and i need to stay busy.
the GAYEST thing, which si part of the reason i've not handled Jason leaving this time around, is because my downstairs computer doesnt' have a fucntioning mouse port. gay. SO the time i would be editing music (about 12 hours a week) i'm not doing anything. And i REALLY was in the middle of working on my video game on my days off and I CAN'T DO THAT EITHER. so boo-urns. That's easily 8 hours of my day i want to be working on my RPG i have to fill doing something else. it sucks. I'm ususally always creating something and now i'm like.... not. Sorry Jason :-\
i've been annoyiong the crap out of him lately. cryin alot. thinkin too much. THAT'S what happens when i cant' do the shit i want to. gayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. so i'm still TRYING to fidn ways to keep myself busy. it are hard? And that's the thing, he's SOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo fucking busy. Just today he left for school at 11:00 went to his internship at 3 and thne to work at 6 until 12. talk about a fucking filled day.
My baby was pretty sick for a bit there. tore me up. i felt so helpless and utterly useless. i couldn't do anything. that sucked. so everything going really wel for him and i'm kinda just chillin out. SOOoooooooo things are good. for what they are. i miss him so much i have to control my panic attacks whereas i was at a point i didn't have them anymore. Now i have to hold back and do breathing exercises. it's very emberassing to me but ya gottado what ya gotta do.
I've been in my super-Andy Warhol mode which is funny because i've been os lazy lately and he was so pro-work. meh. i'm just in a rut i don't care for. plus i gained 4 pounds while Jason was here which was fine. Then another 4 since he left. It's the stress that gets to me. And the inconsistancies ot my mood.
It's like i'm fine.... i'm fine.... oh wow i feel good.... i'm fine DISASTER END OF THE WORLD I'M GOING TO DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE............ ok i feel ok....... and it's exhausting and drainging and i fight and fight to just be cool. i'm actually doing better thna i ever have, i just feel nobody cares or realizes but me. i'm not yet to that place where i can feel content by myself. i still need a pat on the back and a "good job Jer, you handled that panic attakc pretty well! let's do even better next time!" :-/
my chemicals are still trying to adjust to a tangibly Jason-less life versus the 2 weeks bliss never-ending orgasms that were going on. IT doens'thelp my black/white i-feel-amazing/i'm-going-to-die, all or nothing mentality.
so my point is that i'm alive and i'm doing pretty well. Jason keeps me the sanest i've been. yay!!!! Jasonface ftw!!!!!!!!!! :-P
i've been reading a lot. rather, reading at all. and it's cool. it's just NOT cool when i don't work Monday thru-Friday then work 2-11 Saturdays and Sundays. it fucks me up. it's like i have a week to myself then i lose 2 days. it doesn't help me. SOOOOOOOOoooooooooo i changed my availability at work so hopefully they will be giving me a LOT more hours... which is a good thing. i need the money and i need to stay busy.
the GAYEST thing, which si part of the reason i've not handled Jason leaving this time around, is because my downstairs computer doesnt' have a fucntioning mouse port. gay. SO the time i would be editing music (about 12 hours a week) i'm not doing anything. And i REALLY was in the middle of working on my video game on my days off and I CAN'T DO THAT EITHER. so boo-urns. That's easily 8 hours of my day i want to be working on my RPG i have to fill doing something else. it sucks. I'm ususally always creating something and now i'm like.... not. Sorry Jason :-\
i've been annoyiong the crap out of him lately. cryin alot. thinkin too much. THAT'S what happens when i cant' do the shit i want to. gayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. so i'm still TRYING to fidn ways to keep myself busy. it are hard? And that's the thing, he's SOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo fucking busy. Just today he left for school at 11:00 went to his internship at 3 and thne to work at 6 until 12. talk about a fucking filled day.
My baby was pretty sick for a bit there. tore me up. i felt so helpless and utterly useless. i couldn't do anything. that sucked. so everything going really wel for him and i'm kinda just chillin out. SOOoooooooo things are good. for what they are. i miss him so much i have to control my panic attacks whereas i was at a point i didn't have them anymore. Now i have to hold back and do breathing exercises. it's very emberassing to me but ya gottado what ya gotta do.
I've been in my super-Andy Warhol mode which is funny because i've been os lazy lately and he was so pro-work. meh. i'm just in a rut i don't care for. plus i gained 4 pounds while Jason was here which was fine. Then another 4 since he left. It's the stress that gets to me. And the inconsistancies ot my mood.
It's like i'm fine.... i'm fine.... oh wow i feel good.... i'm fine DISASTER END OF THE WORLD I'M GOING TO DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE............ ok i feel ok....... and it's exhausting and drainging and i fight and fight to just be cool. i'm actually doing better thna i ever have, i just feel nobody cares or realizes but me. i'm not yet to that place where i can feel content by myself. i still need a pat on the back and a "good job Jer, you handled that panic attakc pretty well! let's do even better next time!" :-/
my chemicals are still trying to adjust to a tangibly Jason-less life versus the 2 weeks bliss never-ending orgasms that were going on. IT doens'thelp my black/white i-feel-amazing/i'm-going-to-die, all or nothing mentality.
so my point is that i'm alive and i'm doing pretty well. Jason keeps me the sanest i've been. yay!!!! Jasonface ftw!!!!!!!!!! :-P