marinas freaking out just a little...
just got back from boulder. bleh. really really good journalism school. the campus is beautiful. the people seem cool ( but high all the time). they are giving me a hugggeeee scholarship. i got into the honors program. i wish i didnt like it this much it would be so much easier. ive narrowed it down to boulder, bc and gw. but if i get into unc i have to go.
im so scared. so so scared. like more than 1st day of high school, more than paris, more than anything else. im scared of not having my people close to me. i have so many people i feel soooo comfortable with i cant picture life without them. like my ashley. god what am i gonna do a billion miles away from her like when im having a bad day. who am i gonna like break down to? or vent to? or hug?? how in the world is a phone call supposed to make me feel better. shes been gone for a week and im already going insanse like ive never been so close to anyone in my life and now its like ok i only get to see her twice a year if im lucky? im gonna miss so many of my other friends too and its like finally hitting me that this is it. these are the last lunches the last weekends. the last fights the last conversations and so many of my friends are like giving up on everything on everywhere they wanted to go,on everything they wanted to be because of stupid parents and stupid issues.its just not how i pictured everything turning out. i always had hope that somehow we could all end up in boston together...this is just a little too real and way too sudden. and this whole making new friends thing.. how the fuck am i supposed to do that i mean i havent done taht like really done that in forever.
gahhh i hate this stupid change. for the first time in my life i cant picture myself like 4 months from now and thats sooooo scary. its like im walking completely in the dark. life is so much easier when ur younger because your parents get to decide everything and while that does kind of suck wehn you are an angsty 13yr old you also get to blame them for their mistakes. you dont feel guilty for wrong decisions and now its like ok marina.. ur an adult... go decide your life.
but then again...
im soooo ready to leave high school. i cant take some of the people or classes or teachers anymore and i wish college would just come already. I was talking to ashley k about this im getting such senioritis with people. like a im-sorry- ur- taking -up -way- too- much- of- my- time - with your stupidity -when- i -could- be- out- with- my- friends- so- i -dont -really- feel- like- bothering- with -you- deal. Im sooo ready for NEW PEOPLE. god ive been ready for that since like 10th grade. i want to get to know intresting people im so excited for that. and theres no way i could take another year of high school. so many days im sitting in my classes and i just need to get out.
ive never been so mixed up about anything in my whole life and everyone else seems to feel that way too. i basically have like 2 weeks to decide my future thats completely insane. but i really i think that if we just keep our chins up, and just go we'll be alright. i mean we've gotten this far.
you guys dont actually have to say anything im just venting cause thats all i can think about.