She fights for her life...
Thursday I found out that I can't do anything about school, I am staying at my campus and won't be going up to the main one for another whole year. In most ways, this really sucks. I still have to live with my psychotic family, travel an hour to school and back, and deal with the cost of gas, food, and many other things. Now I may sound like a broken record when it comes to my family, but honestly, they are the weirdest. I am almost twenty years old but I still get at least two or three phone calls a day asking what I am doing, where am I going, and who I am with... everyday. The funniest part is, they have no reason not to trust me! I don't drink, do drugs, go out with bad people, go out much with guys alone, or anything. I hang out with great people and the only thing I can think of that is bad is that I stay out late sometimes. But really they bug me to death. The worst part is, as much as they call me or try to talk to me, we never really communicate. I never really talk to my dad, sometimes on a weekly basis. My mom nags me every day but she won't know how I am doing unless she looks at my Facebook (yes, she has one and stalks me on it). We are not close and I can't help feeling hopeless about it. Oh yes, and they make criticism on me day in and day out. Like that I am not a good enough daughter, that I am fat, that I am a horrible Christian, that I disgrace my family because I have a tattoo, that I am ugly because I don't have a boyfriend or am not engaged or something, and many other things. There are so many times I wish I could move out if it wasn't for that car.
Okay so back to the school thing, another crappy thing about it is that all of the friends I've made are probably leaving me next year, no friends definitely doesn't help. But even with all the bad stuff, lately I have seen the better.
Like being able to still go to Cinema Church and help it launch. I feel like really big opportunities are coming my way and that maybe I am meant to be there, that I really should stay and create this place. (If you don't know me, I make videos and sometimes graphics for my church and I am kind of like an outgoing welcomer). I love what I do when I am doing it for God, and maybe this is my chance to reach my full potential. For instance, the other night I went over to Mike's around 5 and left at 3 in the morning because I couldn't stop. It was like a ten minute movie but it literally takes hours. Did I care? Yes I did, I was tired and hungry from giving blood that day and just because it was so late. Did I still do it? Yes because I know it benefits more than just me. It helps the other thirty or so people I see every Sunday.
I also think that this whole thing means I can mend up my family. Maybe show them how much I love God and eventually they will see it in their own lives. Or just be able to live in the same house and love one another would be a first step.
I hope everyday that this will be okay. Right now, all I can do is wait.
I feel so awfully sick today. The kind of sick where all you want to do is sleep and eat but mostly sleep but all that happens is you keep waking up because you are too hot or cold or people just interrupt it. I hate this and I am awake right now and I just want to sleep! I also get super delusional when I get this way and I see things or forget things that happen, like when people talk to me. I just want to cuddle.
I just want to wake up soon, feel miraculously better, see some of my friends and go to Old Saybrook and take photos on the wintery beach. I love the ocean and can't wait for spring and summer! The one great thing about my campus is that it is right on the water, the Sound, and can literally sit on the lawn and get the sea right in front of me.
Goodnight.
Okay so back to the school thing, another crappy thing about it is that all of the friends I've made are probably leaving me next year, no friends definitely doesn't help. But even with all the bad stuff, lately I have seen the better.
Like being able to still go to Cinema Church and help it launch. I feel like really big opportunities are coming my way and that maybe I am meant to be there, that I really should stay and create this place. (If you don't know me, I make videos and sometimes graphics for my church and I am kind of like an outgoing welcomer). I love what I do when I am doing it for God, and maybe this is my chance to reach my full potential. For instance, the other night I went over to Mike's around 5 and left at 3 in the morning because I couldn't stop. It was like a ten minute movie but it literally takes hours. Did I care? Yes I did, I was tired and hungry from giving blood that day and just because it was so late. Did I still do it? Yes because I know it benefits more than just me. It helps the other thirty or so people I see every Sunday.
I also think that this whole thing means I can mend up my family. Maybe show them how much I love God and eventually they will see it in their own lives. Or just be able to live in the same house and love one another would be a first step.
I hope everyday that this will be okay. Right now, all I can do is wait.
I feel so awfully sick today. The kind of sick where all you want to do is sleep and eat but mostly sleep but all that happens is you keep waking up because you are too hot or cold or people just interrupt it. I hate this and I am awake right now and I just want to sleep! I also get super delusional when I get this way and I see things or forget things that happen, like when people talk to me. I just want to cuddle.
I just want to wake up soon, feel miraculously better, see some of my friends and go to Old Saybrook and take photos on the wintery beach. I love the ocean and can't wait for spring and summer! The one great thing about my campus is that it is right on the water, the Sound, and can literally sit on the lawn and get the sea right in front of me.
Goodnight.