(no subject)
You know how you always hear stories about the underdog coming out on top? about these poverty ridden souls who fight and fight to the top, and get scholarships and PhD's and make a million dollars despite people always telling them they couldn't do it?
I've never felt that. My whole life, EVERYONE has always told me I could do whatever I wanted. I've always been told how Smart and Wonderful and Talented I am. How Funny and Charming I can be. and Most Importantly, how If I used the resources I have, I could become whatever I wanted to be.
and I still can't do it.
Maybe I'm rebelling against my upbringing. Maybe It's like The opposite of Underdog on top stories. It's like Overdog on bottom.
Maybe I don't feel like I can do anything. I want everyone else to feel as shitty about myself as I do. so I don't do anything. Or maybe it's just easier to disappoint people from the beginning, so you're never expected to do anything.
I know i'm smarter than this. I know that If I had one ounce of natural discipline, I might be able to do more.
What a cruel joke, god. Give the smart kid no sense of discipline or priority.
I have a lot of Flaws that I focus on.
I'm Undisciplined, Messy, Lazy, Unfocused, Loud, I don't know when to shut up sometimes, I'm Petty, and Jealous. I know just how to provoke people to get them angry. I'm a narcissist. I spend money I don't have. I self medicate with Drugs and Alcohol. I hurt myself. I need a lot of attention. I push boys away because I'm terrified of getting hurt. I like to listen to people and help them, but sometimes I just want to tell them to shut up and try dealing with the shit I deal with all the time.
I don't know.
I know I have good qualities. I'm just not feeling like I have any today.
:(
It's My Mom's birthday.
She would have been 52.
For like, 3 years before she died, she decided to tell people she was 5 years younger than she actually was. Like, She told her husband that. Must have been a real surprise for him to read her Obituary.
It's weird to think she was only 46 when she died. that seems so young.
I Miss her.
And I love her.
I hope every day she's happier now.
I pray that I'll get to see her again.
and hug her.
and play with her hair.
I hope she's proud of me.
I hope she didn't mean anything she said to me...
Except...
I love you.
Can... can you Imagine... calling your 14 year old daughter, after just taking a lethal dose of Pills...
All she could say was "I love you. I love you. I love you so much."
She was trying to get ahold of my dad.
She died a little over an hour after I talked to her.
I miss her all the time. but some days amplify it more than others.
I love you, Mommy. I miss you.
I've never felt that. My whole life, EVERYONE has always told me I could do whatever I wanted. I've always been told how Smart and Wonderful and Talented I am. How Funny and Charming I can be. and Most Importantly, how If I used the resources I have, I could become whatever I wanted to be.
and I still can't do it.
Maybe I'm rebelling against my upbringing. Maybe It's like The opposite of Underdog on top stories. It's like Overdog on bottom.
Maybe I don't feel like I can do anything. I want everyone else to feel as shitty about myself as I do. so I don't do anything. Or maybe it's just easier to disappoint people from the beginning, so you're never expected to do anything.
I know i'm smarter than this. I know that If I had one ounce of natural discipline, I might be able to do more.
What a cruel joke, god. Give the smart kid no sense of discipline or priority.
I have a lot of Flaws that I focus on.
I'm Undisciplined, Messy, Lazy, Unfocused, Loud, I don't know when to shut up sometimes, I'm Petty, and Jealous. I know just how to provoke people to get them angry. I'm a narcissist. I spend money I don't have. I self medicate with Drugs and Alcohol. I hurt myself. I need a lot of attention. I push boys away because I'm terrified of getting hurt. I like to listen to people and help them, but sometimes I just want to tell them to shut up and try dealing with the shit I deal with all the time.
I don't know.
I know I have good qualities. I'm just not feeling like I have any today.
:(
It's My Mom's birthday.
She would have been 52.
For like, 3 years before she died, she decided to tell people she was 5 years younger than she actually was. Like, She told her husband that. Must have been a real surprise for him to read her Obituary.
It's weird to think she was only 46 when she died. that seems so young.
I Miss her.
And I love her.
I hope every day she's happier now.
I pray that I'll get to see her again.
and hug her.
and play with her hair.
I hope she's proud of me.
I hope she didn't mean anything she said to me...
Except...
I love you.
Can... can you Imagine... calling your 14 year old daughter, after just taking a lethal dose of Pills...
All she could say was "I love you. I love you. I love you so much."
She was trying to get ahold of my dad.
She died a little over an hour after I talked to her.
I miss her all the time. but some days amplify it more than others.
I love you, Mommy. I miss you.