(no subject)
sigh.
i thought this would get easier, but it really hasn't. everything in life is going great...except for him. on a scale of closeness we went from a 10 to something negative. i wanted a middle ground, preferably closer to 10. i'm still so hurt. i dont think he even cares. i dont think he is upset about this at all.
i lost stability. i still have stability within myself. go figure. who knew? i'm trying to hold onto stability in god as well.
i used him as a crutch, that's not fair to either of us. luckily i didn't topple over when my crutch was removed. but i stumbled. i'm still so sad.
you really expect thigns to work out a way, you know? i remember when everything was beautiful, peaceful, and being with him made me feel...free.
now i hear his voice and my heart aches at what i lost. not the loss of him. the loss of us.
i dunno. i'm really glad i held onto ME and didn't lose myself when he left. too often girls do that. i'm strong. and i'll get over this. at least i can see the future and that it's bright, that i'm going to be wonderful, i AM wonderful. i know this. i just wish it didn't hurt so much.
i really expected him to realize i was gone and that he missed me. that he wanted to change things and spend time with me. i was wrong. i guess it looks like me leaving made him free to finally do things the way he wanted to all along. maybe that's what hurts most. that he didn't realize that he really did love me, instead he realized that he didn't. "i love you, just not romantically" ouch. i suppose it's better that way anyway. i was right all along that i was in a love-less relationship. and thats not fair to anyone. it's not fair for people to stay together just because that's what they've done. we both deserve to be with someone who cares about us. i guess i'm realizing a lot of things about him that i didn't see before... or chose to ignore. they bother me.
i don't know if i would have loved the me that existed this year. too much guilt. too much baggage. i left that baggage behind at search. and i continue to drop little packages daily so things dont build up. he doesn't see that. but it's not for him anyway. it's for me. its for all those around me. it's so i'm strong, so i'm better, so i can be the beautiful person i am...not so he comes back, or loves me, or something stupid like that. i'd like if he knew that but we barely talk, and if we do, it's awkward surface level stuff. it's so funny how quickly walls can go up. that severed honesty hurts SO much. i didn't think it would go back to surface level stuff. i was wrong. i guess he's just protecting himself. whatever.
ugh. i've gotta get over this.
i thought this would get easier, but it really hasn't. everything in life is going great...except for him. on a scale of closeness we went from a 10 to something negative. i wanted a middle ground, preferably closer to 10. i'm still so hurt. i dont think he even cares. i dont think he is upset about this at all.
i lost stability. i still have stability within myself. go figure. who knew? i'm trying to hold onto stability in god as well.
i used him as a crutch, that's not fair to either of us. luckily i didn't topple over when my crutch was removed. but i stumbled. i'm still so sad.
you really expect thigns to work out a way, you know? i remember when everything was beautiful, peaceful, and being with him made me feel...free.
now i hear his voice and my heart aches at what i lost. not the loss of him. the loss of us.
i dunno. i'm really glad i held onto ME and didn't lose myself when he left. too often girls do that. i'm strong. and i'll get over this. at least i can see the future and that it's bright, that i'm going to be wonderful, i AM wonderful. i know this. i just wish it didn't hurt so much.
i really expected him to realize i was gone and that he missed me. that he wanted to change things and spend time with me. i was wrong. i guess it looks like me leaving made him free to finally do things the way he wanted to all along. maybe that's what hurts most. that he didn't realize that he really did love me, instead he realized that he didn't. "i love you, just not romantically" ouch. i suppose it's better that way anyway. i was right all along that i was in a love-less relationship. and thats not fair to anyone. it's not fair for people to stay together just because that's what they've done. we both deserve to be with someone who cares about us. i guess i'm realizing a lot of things about him that i didn't see before... or chose to ignore. they bother me.
i don't know if i would have loved the me that existed this year. too much guilt. too much baggage. i left that baggage behind at search. and i continue to drop little packages daily so things dont build up. he doesn't see that. but it's not for him anyway. it's for me. its for all those around me. it's so i'm strong, so i'm better, so i can be the beautiful person i am...not so he comes back, or loves me, or something stupid like that. i'd like if he knew that but we barely talk, and if we do, it's awkward surface level stuff. it's so funny how quickly walls can go up. that severed honesty hurts SO much. i didn't think it would go back to surface level stuff. i was wrong. i guess he's just protecting himself. whatever.
ugh. i've gotta get over this.