ooo a long entry-much needed right now
mmm well schiool is over. summer has started, and already it isn't what i wanted it to be. I hate that about myself. It's like I write out scenarios in my mind and then when they don't go the way I want them to I get upset. Even if these scenarios go completely against what I know is real and practical, my heart can't seem to accept that. My mind is in one place and my heart is another.
I always want to have my cake and eat it too. I don't understand why I do this. I build people up in my mind to be something they aren't and then when they fall shiort of my expectations I cry.I have to stop making people into something they aren't and will never be.
The definition of insanity is doing something repeatedly and expecting a different result, my mom says. So i guess i'm insane. The reason why i am upset is not cause of someone not liking me, it's cause I know in my heart and mind the truth that they don't and I still can't accept it cause of my own damn insecurties of not feeling special or good anymore. It's not even like i'm so in love with that person either which is why i am more upset. I know I shiouldn't be sad and it pisses me off that it is making me upset. So pretty much i'm upset about being upset over something that i know wasn't real. There is nothing there but what I am making up in my mind.
I know someone doesn't fulfill my needs or make me happy, but I trick myself into thinking maybe they will cause it's easier that way. It's easy to have someone live so close to you and be there for you to hangout with and since no one else has come along to fill that empty spot in you, so I make them fill that spot. Even if they are just a square, I will continously try to push them into a circlular void in my heart. As stupid as that sounds it's true. I'm always forcing squares into circles, i guess until a circle comes along.
See I have such a need to control my future that i force situations that i know aren't real but i pursue them anyways cause I NEVER LEARN and it is part of my fucking disorder, which I thiought was getting better, so I haven't taken my medicine in a few weeks, but there is always someone that brings me right back down and makes me feel I need to go back on it, but I won't this time. I already went through the withdrawal stage of feeling sick, nausea, and bitter all of the time and I will get through this w/o the medicine. The mood swings will go away in a couple of weeks along with the random spurts of emotion. I just feel so up and down all of the time, I can cry over the stupidest things and the smallest things make me happy. I just don'twant to rely on medicine anymore. I have not been medicine free since I was 8 yrs old and that is a damn long time.
I don't even remember what it is like to not be on it, but then again I don't remember what it is like to have a normal thiought pattern that isn't like a broken record. I hate that I have racing thioughts and my mind plays words over and over again for so long now that just have faded to the background and I learned to live with it. I don't want to learn to live with it, I just want it to go away, but medicine or not it is always there slwoly driving me insane. I always just wish there was something that could make me forget, like a surgery or something that will only make me forget that part of my life. Until I learn to deal with myself and insecurities and obessesions, I don't think anyone will want to be with me. And why would they? Why would someone want to deal with all of this baggage? Very few people are willing to work through it and find the real me that can be made happy very easily and gives 110% to thepeople I love. That is why i am so giving to the people that do stick around, the ones that care enough to break through my exterior and love me for me.
It seriously does take very little to make me happy. A card or a small love note, or a nice IM or call from someone makes all the difference. I could be having the shittest day but if that one person calls me or IMs and I have a good conversation with them, it makes that day that much better and worth living. Yet I am still such a picky person when it comes to guys. I have such high standards that everyone tells me to lower, but why shiould I? I won't settle for anything less than what I find amazing, so maybe that's my prblem. Or maybe someone will come along that sweeps me off my feet and makes me believe in love.
I want to be happy so bad and find love so bad that i push it further and further away. Things will just happen smoothly and I won't have to try I guess when it is right, but I have always been someone that is afraid of not having control. Ever since I was little I couldn't stand not knowing was in the future. I like control, it makes me feel safe.
When I was in preschiool I cried for the first week and no one could figure out what was wrong cause it wasn't that I missed my parents or anything. Then they saw that I guess when I didn't hae control over what we were doing I got upset. So what the teacher did was give me her plans for the day the day before they happened. So the night before going to schiool my mom would read me the plans for the day and the times they would happen and then I was okay. I can't believe that even at like 4 years old I was that screwed up. What kid has a teacher write out her plans for the next day and memorize them so they could know what and when everything was happening. I'm not that bad anymore.
I tell everyone including myself to live in the present and thats the only way to be happy, so why can't i practice what i preach. I read a million books on it, and spiritualty books and what not, yet i can't make my mind go all the way. I know the right thing to do, but i can't seem to do it. I think this summer I will read a lot.. go barns and noble or the library and just read up on things that interest me, plus go take summer class and get A's. I need to focus more on that and then everythign else will come along.
HAPPINESS IS AN INSIDE JOB, NOT AN OUTSIDE ONE- so i have to be happy with myself and not look for happiness from others. I don't like other people controlling my emotions. I need to get to the gym and and the beach and just have fun. I don't need anything from this summer except to do well in class, find a place to live, and be happy. I got a good fortune yesterday that said something like.. there are many paths to the top of the mountain, but only one view once you get there. So yes, I will succeed in life no matter what way I get there. I know I am smart and have everything going for me, or at least I shiould know that.
It is so nice outside, and mommy keeps callng me trying to bribe me to go out. She just wants to see me happy. Poor kid always trying to make me happy with bribes of tanning, food, clothes, and what not. It must be hard for a parent to see their kid self destruct so many times in just 19 years. It started out in marlboro when my ocd came out and everyone made fun of me. I always wonder if they hadn't would I still be living there.. would I be happier now and not have insecurities and such. But then I wouldn't have met the people I did or experienced what I have or been as strong as I am today. It's just that other life that I always think about what could have been, but that's not healthy.What's done is done, I am here in this moment and writing has made me feel a lot better.
I don't care what people read this, this is whio I am. And I can understand if you don't want to deal with me or be close to me, cause I wouldn't want to either. But if you have the drive to knock down my barriers, and find out the person I can be then do it. I want someone that will fight to be with me, and not just give up at the first sign of difficulty, that is what makes things all the more enjoyable.
I don't like being in a bd frame of mind, but it happens to everyone and it is always a transitional phase.. that leads to a better one. So you know what, I'm okay with that. I will be okay. I have been at the bottom and there is only one way to go, up.
I amaze myself that I start out with such an upset entry and by the I feel better and happier. That is my true passion, writing. And I will never let it escape me. Too m any people settle for careers that take up all of their time and make them lots of money but lots of sadness, i will not be one of thiose people. I will always follow my dreams.
In the end everything is okay, if it's not, then it's not the end. On that note I will now get dressed and go out and be happy with what I have, a beautiful family, a few good friends, a nice day, and all the love in my heart that I can share with others. O life, it ain't easy but it is only good as the memories we make. So here's to memories and the good times we have had, I won't forget them so let's keep them coming. Peace!
I always want to have my cake and eat it too. I don't understand why I do this. I build people up in my mind to be something they aren't and then when they fall shiort of my expectations I cry.I have to stop making people into something they aren't and will never be.
The definition of insanity is doing something repeatedly and expecting a different result, my mom says. So i guess i'm insane. The reason why i am upset is not cause of someone not liking me, it's cause I know in my heart and mind the truth that they don't and I still can't accept it cause of my own damn insecurties of not feeling special or good anymore. It's not even like i'm so in love with that person either which is why i am more upset. I know I shiouldn't be sad and it pisses me off that it is making me upset. So pretty much i'm upset about being upset over something that i know wasn't real. There is nothing there but what I am making up in my mind.
I know someone doesn't fulfill my needs or make me happy, but I trick myself into thinking maybe they will cause it's easier that way. It's easy to have someone live so close to you and be there for you to hangout with and since no one else has come along to fill that empty spot in you, so I make them fill that spot. Even if they are just a square, I will continously try to push them into a circlular void in my heart. As stupid as that sounds it's true. I'm always forcing squares into circles, i guess until a circle comes along.
See I have such a need to control my future that i force situations that i know aren't real but i pursue them anyways cause I NEVER LEARN and it is part of my fucking disorder, which I thiought was getting better, so I haven't taken my medicine in a few weeks, but there is always someone that brings me right back down and makes me feel I need to go back on it, but I won't this time. I already went through the withdrawal stage of feeling sick, nausea, and bitter all of the time and I will get through this w/o the medicine. The mood swings will go away in a couple of weeks along with the random spurts of emotion. I just feel so up and down all of the time, I can cry over the stupidest things and the smallest things make me happy. I just don'twant to rely on medicine anymore. I have not been medicine free since I was 8 yrs old and that is a damn long time.
I don't even remember what it is like to not be on it, but then again I don't remember what it is like to have a normal thiought pattern that isn't like a broken record. I hate that I have racing thioughts and my mind plays words over and over again for so long now that just have faded to the background and I learned to live with it. I don't want to learn to live with it, I just want it to go away, but medicine or not it is always there slwoly driving me insane. I always just wish there was something that could make me forget, like a surgery or something that will only make me forget that part of my life. Until I learn to deal with myself and insecurities and obessesions, I don't think anyone will want to be with me. And why would they? Why would someone want to deal with all of this baggage? Very few people are willing to work through it and find the real me that can be made happy very easily and gives 110% to thepeople I love. That is why i am so giving to the people that do stick around, the ones that care enough to break through my exterior and love me for me.
It seriously does take very little to make me happy. A card or a small love note, or a nice IM or call from someone makes all the difference. I could be having the shittest day but if that one person calls me or IMs and I have a good conversation with them, it makes that day that much better and worth living. Yet I am still such a picky person when it comes to guys. I have such high standards that everyone tells me to lower, but why shiould I? I won't settle for anything less than what I find amazing, so maybe that's my prblem. Or maybe someone will come along that sweeps me off my feet and makes me believe in love.
I want to be happy so bad and find love so bad that i push it further and further away. Things will just happen smoothly and I won't have to try I guess when it is right, but I have always been someone that is afraid of not having control. Ever since I was little I couldn't stand not knowing was in the future. I like control, it makes me feel safe.
When I was in preschiool I cried for the first week and no one could figure out what was wrong cause it wasn't that I missed my parents or anything. Then they saw that I guess when I didn't hae control over what we were doing I got upset. So what the teacher did was give me her plans for the day the day before they happened. So the night before going to schiool my mom would read me the plans for the day and the times they would happen and then I was okay. I can't believe that even at like 4 years old I was that screwed up. What kid has a teacher write out her plans for the next day and memorize them so they could know what and when everything was happening. I'm not that bad anymore.
I tell everyone including myself to live in the present and thats the only way to be happy, so why can't i practice what i preach. I read a million books on it, and spiritualty books and what not, yet i can't make my mind go all the way. I know the right thing to do, but i can't seem to do it. I think this summer I will read a lot.. go barns and noble or the library and just read up on things that interest me, plus go take summer class and get A's. I need to focus more on that and then everythign else will come along.
HAPPINESS IS AN INSIDE JOB, NOT AN OUTSIDE ONE- so i have to be happy with myself and not look for happiness from others. I don't like other people controlling my emotions. I need to get to the gym and and the beach and just have fun. I don't need anything from this summer except to do well in class, find a place to live, and be happy. I got a good fortune yesterday that said something like.. there are many paths to the top of the mountain, but only one view once you get there. So yes, I will succeed in life no matter what way I get there. I know I am smart and have everything going for me, or at least I shiould know that.
It is so nice outside, and mommy keeps callng me trying to bribe me to go out. She just wants to see me happy. Poor kid always trying to make me happy with bribes of tanning, food, clothes, and what not. It must be hard for a parent to see their kid self destruct so many times in just 19 years. It started out in marlboro when my ocd came out and everyone made fun of me. I always wonder if they hadn't would I still be living there.. would I be happier now and not have insecurities and such. But then I wouldn't have met the people I did or experienced what I have or been as strong as I am today. It's just that other life that I always think about what could have been, but that's not healthy.What's done is done, I am here in this moment and writing has made me feel a lot better.
I don't care what people read this, this is whio I am. And I can understand if you don't want to deal with me or be close to me, cause I wouldn't want to either. But if you have the drive to knock down my barriers, and find out the person I can be then do it. I want someone that will fight to be with me, and not just give up at the first sign of difficulty, that is what makes things all the more enjoyable.
I don't like being in a bd frame of mind, but it happens to everyone and it is always a transitional phase.. that leads to a better one. So you know what, I'm okay with that. I will be okay. I have been at the bottom and there is only one way to go, up.
I amaze myself that I start out with such an upset entry and by the I feel better and happier. That is my true passion, writing. And I will never let it escape me. Too m any people settle for careers that take up all of their time and make them lots of money but lots of sadness, i will not be one of thiose people. I will always follow my dreams.
In the end everything is okay, if it's not, then it's not the end. On that note I will now get dressed and go out and be happy with what I have, a beautiful family, a few good friends, a nice day, and all the love in my heart that I can share with others. O life, it ain't easy but it is only good as the memories we make. So here's to memories and the good times we have had, I won't forget them so let's keep them coming. Peace!