Just say banana
Dear internet
it's become pretty apparent that I habitually get into situations where I care too much. I give to much of myself and end up hurt and alone and empty. I'm not sure why I do this, I do it knowing I am killing myself in the process, but I have never walked away from something with out being able to say I have given it every fiber of my being. I wonder truly what it feels like to be on the receiving end of that? I want to be swept away, to have someone try that hard for me. In retrospect I don't think I have ever once had someone put as much effort into me as I have them, except maybe David and he turned out slightly insane. I know what's too much in a situation yet, I am unable to convince myself NOT to do it, I have no will power when it comes to love.
Every night I am falling asleep alone reciting positive affirmations in my head. You deserve to be loved for your strengths. I am easily able to convince myself that I'm awesome, I have a lot to offer. I have a home, a career, a car, I'm smart, fun, I cook and clean. I'm healthy and pretty. Yet just as easily remind my self that if I was so great then why am I alone? Why does no one fight for me. Why am I so easy to walk away from? These are the thoughts that have me waking up gutted. Deep down I know they are wrong, but being lonely and left has to be the worst hurt imaginable. Mellow dramatic I know but that's where I am at.
I find it hard to do what I HAVE to do, what I know is logical, I generally end up doing what I want instead despite I know I will end up hurt. I have recently done something I know I have to do. Just like Lauryn said, you let go so I let go too. If you wanted this you would make it happen. If you loved me you could never walk away and leave me broken and hurt. Like courtney said, He just doesn't want you. I have to stop searching for the WHY and just accept the fact, that this is my reality. I keep defending you, but this, but that. At the end of the day I am alone, you made the choice that I wasn't worth trying for, you may love me, but not enough to make me a priority. I know you'll say I am putting words in your mouth but I have no choice when you wont talk to me about this. Your walls have been up for so long I can't fight against them alone, I need you to open up and work with me and you refuse, choosing misery when you know I make you happy and we have a connection like no other. I see so much in us, but I can't make you see the brightness through all of the dark you created. You have pushed me away so many times, for so long and I never left your side. I never waivered. Because I knew deep down you loved me, you miss me, you don't want to be without me and our lives are better off together. But its not enough any more for me to know these things. You have to know them too. I feel like after this long the things I see in us should be visible to you too but I have to accept reality and my reality is, either you don't or you just don't want to. Going for over a month with out a kind word, a cuddle or something to keep me nourished, I am wilted and I need to find a way to regain my strength and confidence back. Fighting for us has left me a hollow shell, I was the only one doing the fighting and I did it with a smile and with pleasure because I love you and you are worth the effort. It's gutting to have to realize you don't feel the same. I have left the ball in your court. If you can bring yourself out of this for me we have a shot, if you're willing to let it die I have to respect that decision you made. I'll keep hoping when the phone rings it will be you, or that I'll come home and you're here. The hardest thing ever was erasing you from my life, I know it will destroy your self esteem and you'll never make a move to come back to me now. But I just don't know how to keep going any more only to keep being shut down. You have to break this on your own and show me that you do want me and that I am worth it.
it's become pretty apparent that I habitually get into situations where I care too much. I give to much of myself and end up hurt and alone and empty. I'm not sure why I do this, I do it knowing I am killing myself in the process, but I have never walked away from something with out being able to say I have given it every fiber of my being. I wonder truly what it feels like to be on the receiving end of that? I want to be swept away, to have someone try that hard for me. In retrospect I don't think I have ever once had someone put as much effort into me as I have them, except maybe David and he turned out slightly insane. I know what's too much in a situation yet, I am unable to convince myself NOT to do it, I have no will power when it comes to love.
Every night I am falling asleep alone reciting positive affirmations in my head. You deserve to be loved for your strengths. I am easily able to convince myself that I'm awesome, I have a lot to offer. I have a home, a career, a car, I'm smart, fun, I cook and clean. I'm healthy and pretty. Yet just as easily remind my self that if I was so great then why am I alone? Why does no one fight for me. Why am I so easy to walk away from? These are the thoughts that have me waking up gutted. Deep down I know they are wrong, but being lonely and left has to be the worst hurt imaginable. Mellow dramatic I know but that's where I am at.
I find it hard to do what I HAVE to do, what I know is logical, I generally end up doing what I want instead despite I know I will end up hurt. I have recently done something I know I have to do. Just like Lauryn said, you let go so I let go too. If you wanted this you would make it happen. If you loved me you could never walk away and leave me broken and hurt. Like courtney said, He just doesn't want you. I have to stop searching for the WHY and just accept the fact, that this is my reality. I keep defending you, but this, but that. At the end of the day I am alone, you made the choice that I wasn't worth trying for, you may love me, but not enough to make me a priority. I know you'll say I am putting words in your mouth but I have no choice when you wont talk to me about this. Your walls have been up for so long I can't fight against them alone, I need you to open up and work with me and you refuse, choosing misery when you know I make you happy and we have a connection like no other. I see so much in us, but I can't make you see the brightness through all of the dark you created. You have pushed me away so many times, for so long and I never left your side. I never waivered. Because I knew deep down you loved me, you miss me, you don't want to be without me and our lives are better off together. But its not enough any more for me to know these things. You have to know them too. I feel like after this long the things I see in us should be visible to you too but I have to accept reality and my reality is, either you don't or you just don't want to. Going for over a month with out a kind word, a cuddle or something to keep me nourished, I am wilted and I need to find a way to regain my strength and confidence back. Fighting for us has left me a hollow shell, I was the only one doing the fighting and I did it with a smile and with pleasure because I love you and you are worth the effort. It's gutting to have to realize you don't feel the same. I have left the ball in your court. If you can bring yourself out of this for me we have a shot, if you're willing to let it die I have to respect that decision you made. I'll keep hoping when the phone rings it will be you, or that I'll come home and you're here. The hardest thing ever was erasing you from my life, I know it will destroy your self esteem and you'll never make a move to come back to me now. But I just don't know how to keep going any more only to keep being shut down. You have to break this on your own and show me that you do want me and that I am worth it.