Your own personal toy...
So, let me make a post before I never get the chance to. I try to only get online when the baby is asleep. I'd rather spend time with her when she's awake, and possibly, get some things done while keeping a close eye on her, in her playing environment. Any other time I'm online is cause I'm on my ever so awesome, android.
So, a few things...
- I ( Read more... )
I do feel your pain though about guys not thinking you can do things when you can. I am the only woman in a group of men on the development team. The older men in the groups are so sexist...oy. And as for knowing how to do stuff...I chase off my fiance from heavy duty yard work. I just taught him this weekend how to stain a deck...though I admit to chasing him off while I was cleaning it and trying to use a power washer. (And not to mention I also work longer hours than him, and have a 45-min drive to work - he walks and gets home before me)
I do wholeheartedly agree: Childcare IS work, regardless of what some folks think. According to Salary.com's Mother's Day Article people don't realize how much work is involved.
But sending reassuring hugs. A friend of mine takes care of her and her husband's child more than he does, and she can bring the baby with her to her job. But she was up front with her hubs about the both of them taking turns on having "me time" a day or two a week, where one goes out with their friends/does things they enjoy while the other takes care of the baby. I like their setup, and it might be something to worth suggesting. Sure, he may work, but you need some personal time, too.
I think small steps may be a good way to get things freshened up. You sound like you are in serious need of some Me-time, be it online, enjoyable exercise, art, or with friends. I'd say don't worry too much about being so many things to everyone, and just focus on being happy with yourself, being the best self you can be. -Which is where asking for a hand with the baby would be a great start. That and he needs to be a little more involved with the baby, if only because how can there be a daddy's little girl if daddy doesn't get involved? ;)
Some other ideas to help is do you have nice areas to walk around? Maybe getting a daily walk with the baby would help? Or is she old enough that she can start coloring or drawing that you could draw/color with her?
As for the hubs, may I suggest asking him for a small hand with cooking (even food prep like cutting veggies and such - SUPER easy stuff) and other little things? I still do a fair amount of cooking and meal prep for my fiance and I, but I do ask him for help at times so I don't feel so overloaded, or start getting annoyed at his lack of help. I addressed it early on that I'd want his help with things. They're good excuses on doing things together, and things get done in half the time so there's more time together or to do something different. (like planning a date!) Plus it's kind of nice to do some of that stuff together.
I wish you luck in it! I like going "honey can you help me out here for a little bit please?"
PS - I will have to share some yummy recipes with you that make super awesome leftovers later. I can shoot you an email with some of them if you'd like. :)
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The funny thing is that when I don't ask for help, I get offered help. When I need it, no one feels the need to offer anything. My step-father totally got in the way of something I was doing, only to leave it half-way done, with things in the wrong places, making me do it again. When my mother asked why this was like this...he made me seem like I was the idiot doing it wrong. The sense of entitlement most hispanic (cuban mostly) middle aged men have is frustrating.
I do need me time. But as I stated in a previous reply to the first comment posted, Leaving her with him, for more than an hour at least, is out of the question. 2 times that I was so tired I couldn't get up, he offered to watch the baby for me (while he was playing video games and she was in the play-yard), and those 2 times, he woke me up because the baby needed to be fed. I'm so alone in taking care of her that it's not even funny. My me time is being online, it's the only place I can go, and the only thing I can enjoy, by myself, with her next to me. Walking in this neighborhood is...not recommended. Unless you have a fan (the heat is unbearable to the point that she starts crying if outside for too long) and it's not really the safest place ever. I have to walk around constantly alert and turning around, just to make sure nothing happens. It's not exactly calming me time...lol.
Anything I ask him for, is a big deal. Even if it's to take me to the grocery store to get something small for just a few minutes. So I never ask him for anything unless I really need it. It's not the way it should be in a relationship...I know. I find myself fighting to make this work for her... although I can't completely sacrifice my happiness either. So asking to help with food prep is even difficult.
Thanks for wishing me luck....I'll need it, lol.
And yes! Send them to my e-mail! Should I send it to you or does livejournal have some feature where it shows it? LOL Noob Question. I'll see if I have anything interesting I can send you. I'm a beginner, so I'm sure your recipes will probably be way yummier, lol.
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But ugh. You poor button. It makes me tempted to go half into a rage with that kind of behavior from a guy after reading this and the other comments. I guess it comes from some feminist roots in me. If the fighting for it to work becomes too much, I'm a willing venting ear (though my replies will be delayed due to work), and being selfish (for yourself and child) isn't always a bad thing if it comes down to it. I could come up with some fun "Make it a game!" ideas for you that help encourage him to help out and would then make you feel a bit happier which then helps you both, but really that is wholly dependent on his willingness to be open to a change of pace.
I'm pretty sure you can be pretty darn tired too when he wants something from you. I hope he realizes how blessed he is to have someone working as hard as you are. I have a feeling your daughter may end up calling him by his first name rather than "Daddy" and that's not a good thing.
But I know what you mean about neighborhoods. I know some places in Philadelphia I wouldn't feel OK walking alone in. I DO though really like the earlier suggestion of a Mommy-baby meetup playdate. My friend does this as well, and it seems to work out.
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I'll try the mommy-baby playdates...it just doesn't help that I'm so...misanthropic (is that the word?). People compare me to Dr. House, cause I don't really like people. Meeting you guys at FLOL has changed my perspective, but I still feel like I can't trust or care enough for people I meet here, personally, in my neighborhood. This is something, that HAS to change. I can't teach my daughter to have faith in the world and in humanity, if I don't have it myself. Thats the difference between me and him though. I know it, accept it, and have the desire to change it. He...doesn't. =(
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But I'm glad FLOL has helped you out! :) I know there's not always the best people in different areas of any city, but there are those who've got some really big hearts. The trick is just finding them and giving them a chance. Kinda a follow your gut. :)
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FLOL does help out a lot. Everyone is so accepting there, and so kind hearted. <3 I definitely have to trust the people around me more though. This Dr. House complex is not making me happy, and it can get a bit lonely at times. I've just been hurt so many times, I try to distance myself, and run to FLOL where everything is so much better. I need to stop that. The not trusting people, not the running to FLOL. XD
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