(no subject)
i don't understand the obsession with being intoxicated. even when i lived my life thinking it was "cool" to get "wasted" it was forced, not only because i have control issues and an impulsive personality but i genuinely do not enjoy anything about alcohol or drugs. but i try. because "Babylon" whispers and pleads with me to be like everybody else...and most 23 year olds enjoy a good beer, or two, or ten.
i just don't get it.
i remember the first time i went to a bar where i could legally drink, i was 18 and in Spain. all of my new friends were buying me drinks and taking shots, and all i remember thinking is that i felt like an alien. i fell for the first person that bought me a bottle of water.
however, nearly everyone i know and respect enjoys being intoxicated. christians, atheists, strangers, best friends; the love for "adventure" spares no one. and so i sit,wanting to fit in with the people i love the most, but feeling like life was supposed to be lived differently. i do not want to be judgemental, and so sometimes, i drink. i dont want to do it, i dont enjoy it during or afterwards, but it helps the condition of my heart from being tainted by my own desire to judge other people for the way they live their lives.
it feels like this with almost everything. i want to be like everyone else, but also feel like i am different from everyone else. conundrum.
i just don't get it.
i remember the first time i went to a bar where i could legally drink, i was 18 and in Spain. all of my new friends were buying me drinks and taking shots, and all i remember thinking is that i felt like an alien. i fell for the first person that bought me a bottle of water.
however, nearly everyone i know and respect enjoys being intoxicated. christians, atheists, strangers, best friends; the love for "adventure" spares no one. and so i sit,wanting to fit in with the people i love the most, but feeling like life was supposed to be lived differently. i do not want to be judgemental, and so sometimes, i drink. i dont want to do it, i dont enjoy it during or afterwards, but it helps the condition of my heart from being tainted by my own desire to judge other people for the way they live their lives.
it feels like this with almost everything. i want to be like everyone else, but also feel like i am different from everyone else. conundrum.