(no subject)
Okay-
So today my mom and I had this huge blow out fight. I mean, it was big and ugly. Of course it had to be before the senior breakfast so I was unable to really enjoy it because I was chewing myself up with guilt this whole time. So she just got home and I had finally resolved it with myself and told her how I wished to resolve it and that FUCKING BITCH has the FUCKING NERVE to tell me that I have some deeply rooted psychological anger and ordered me to talk to my psychologist about it. Ordered me. What the fuck is that about? It was a low blow is what it was. She knows how self conscious I am that I have all these “issues” and she has the nerve to just assume that because now that I’m mad ar her, rather than my father, who, mind you, she practically encourages me to be mad at, I must be at fault, I must have issues and now I feel like shit. I mean real total shit. Like, I hate the way I am so much, I’m just so disgusted with myself that I’m such a giant disappointment to her and everyone else that I really just want to kill myself. I mean, really, all I do is fuck up where people are concerned. Im such a fucking bitch I hate how I treat people I hate how I just can’t ever seem to be a good person, like Im forever destined to just fuck up. I hate me so much that really, there’s no need for anyone else to do it. I think of Kyle and realize you know, he has the right idea to distance himself as far away from me as possible because all I do is drag others down. No one should be around me or be my friend because I am genuinely a horrible person. I am. I really don’t deserve to live because I just fucking screw up all the damn time. I just hate me hate me hate me. My heart is so full of loathing right now its burning up into my throat. I want to slit it out. Slit it out and watch the evilness ooze from my body. How else can I get it out of me? This horrible horrible excuse for a lame-ass human being. I try so hard and it just keeps coming back. Always comes back. I think I’m okay, then I fuck up again and again and again. I’m just so desperately tired of it all. I can’t do it much longer. I want to be a martyr- to do away with myself before I do any irreparable harm to the earth- do away with myself so that there will be less worthless garbage polluting the population. What good do I have to offer? nothing. What can I do to justify my existence? nothing. It just never ends. never. The worse part is that if I did just do it-kill myself- itll be my worst fuck up of all because everyone will say “why? why? why? did she do that?” and my mother will not weep, still finding me at fault. I’ll never find rest that way knowing that im such a horrible person, I don’t even deserve a final resting spot. I deserve to be like that guy in mythology who forever pushes a boulder up hill. I want to just lose myself. I do. In a cause in an idea in ANYTHING that will hide the wretched beast I am. I wish I could join something like a cult. One of those cults that commits mass suicide just so that my name can be lost among a hundred others, so that I wont be to blame for doing the cowardly thing. I don’t want to die in a blaze of glory. I want to die anonymously. so that there is no record no proof I ever for one moment set foot on this world.
So today my mom and I had this huge blow out fight. I mean, it was big and ugly. Of course it had to be before the senior breakfast so I was unable to really enjoy it because I was chewing myself up with guilt this whole time. So she just got home and I had finally resolved it with myself and told her how I wished to resolve it and that FUCKING BITCH has the FUCKING NERVE to tell me that I have some deeply rooted psychological anger and ordered me to talk to my psychologist about it. Ordered me. What the fuck is that about? It was a low blow is what it was. She knows how self conscious I am that I have all these “issues” and she has the nerve to just assume that because now that I’m mad ar her, rather than my father, who, mind you, she practically encourages me to be mad at, I must be at fault, I must have issues and now I feel like shit. I mean real total shit. Like, I hate the way I am so much, I’m just so disgusted with myself that I’m such a giant disappointment to her and everyone else that I really just want to kill myself. I mean, really, all I do is fuck up where people are concerned. Im such a fucking bitch I hate how I treat people I hate how I just can’t ever seem to be a good person, like Im forever destined to just fuck up. I hate me so much that really, there’s no need for anyone else to do it. I think of Kyle and realize you know, he has the right idea to distance himself as far away from me as possible because all I do is drag others down. No one should be around me or be my friend because I am genuinely a horrible person. I am. I really don’t deserve to live because I just fucking screw up all the damn time. I just hate me hate me hate me. My heart is so full of loathing right now its burning up into my throat. I want to slit it out. Slit it out and watch the evilness ooze from my body. How else can I get it out of me? This horrible horrible excuse for a lame-ass human being. I try so hard and it just keeps coming back. Always comes back. I think I’m okay, then I fuck up again and again and again. I’m just so desperately tired of it all. I can’t do it much longer. I want to be a martyr- to do away with myself before I do any irreparable harm to the earth- do away with myself so that there will be less worthless garbage polluting the population. What good do I have to offer? nothing. What can I do to justify my existence? nothing. It just never ends. never. The worse part is that if I did just do it-kill myself- itll be my worst fuck up of all because everyone will say “why? why? why? did she do that?” and my mother will not weep, still finding me at fault. I’ll never find rest that way knowing that im such a horrible person, I don’t even deserve a final resting spot. I deserve to be like that guy in mythology who forever pushes a boulder up hill. I want to just lose myself. I do. In a cause in an idea in ANYTHING that will hide the wretched beast I am. I wish I could join something like a cult. One of those cults that commits mass suicide just so that my name can be lost among a hundred others, so that I wont be to blame for doing the cowardly thing. I don’t want to die in a blaze of glory. I want to die anonymously. so that there is no record no proof I ever for one moment set foot on this world.