"It's a pity and a sin; She doesn't quite fit in..."
So I've always felt like I just don't fit in with Dads side of my family. It's not that I'm different, or that they are, but it's just kind of like in high school, when the cool girls talked to you but you knew they weren't really your friend. That's how I feel at all my family functions.
It's my oldest cousin's 40th birthday today. There is a big party at my Uncles house, which is right around the corner from my house and next door to my Mom's parents house, and pretty much everyone is there. Aside from the fact that I had to practically force myself to go, which resulted in me being almost 3 hours late, I walk in and feel like an outsider. I've always felt like this, even when I was a bit younger, but never this acutely.
There are a bunch of things these problems stem from, but I think the most important factor stems from my Dad. When I was growing up my family (my dad and his 6 brothers and sisters and my grandparents) owned a family operated Italian Restaurant. Ever since my Dad was really little he'd been working there non-stop. I think it just got to be to much for him and he didn't want my brother and I involved. The problem was, all my other cousins were there all the time. They worked there, hung out there, visited their parents while they were working. So the restaurant became this central focus in everyones lives. A place where everyone met and hung out and I always wanted to be a part of that. Now they all have stories of the old days hanging around (we sold the restaurant when i was around 14 or so. Maybe a little older maybe younger) and being together. I can't even remember it. So that puts me on the outside to begin with.
Then there's also the fact that almost everyone is older than me. Only 4 of the first cousins are younger than me, and one is my brother and the other is a boy who's only a few months younger than me. So they all did the drinking and hanging out thing before I was old enough. Now that I'm old enough to go out to bars and things with them they're all getting married and having kids. Not that I blame them, but the age gap just throws even more tension in for me.
There's also a lot of them. When I say a lot I mean a lot. Half the people at the party today I don't even know. Granted, a lot of them are my cousins family on the other side and friends, but still. I'm so awkward in settings with so many people that the fact that they're family doesn't even make it better.
I just don't know what to do. I'm so lost and confused whenver we go to functions like this. The little kids, who I'm most comfortable with, don't recognize me because I only see them about 3-4 times a year. And my cousins and Aunts and Uncles I just don't know what to say to. I feel like its the same thing over and over again. "Hi! Good to see you! How are you? I'm fine. Got a new job. Yes, still working with babies. Ok then, see you later."
I think I'm just socially inept. If I can't even be myself and have a good time with my family then how can I expect myself to do it with strangers?
No one ever treats me different. No one makes me feel like an outsider. Yet I can't help feeling like I just don't belong. It makes me sad and awkward and depressed when I should be happy and having fun.
So now I'm hiding in my grandmother's house, sure that no one is even missing my company. How could they when everywhere you turn there is someone else to talk to? While I sit alone in the corner feeling judged. What the hell is wrong with me?
Ugh. Now this has turned into some sort of pathetic 'poor me' rant, which was not at all what I intended. Boo hoo. I think I'll go eat some chocolate cake and be even more anti-social.