I gots some jokes.
What do you get when you're gay?
Made fun of.
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What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.
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How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.
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A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor's office wearing a suit. The doctor says "Why are you wearing a suit?" The black man says "I just got back from a funeral"
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What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
" Would you like an ice pack? "
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Jesus is hanging on the cross and John approaches.
John says: "Jesus, its John. How may I serve thee ain thy time of need?"
Jesus replies: "YEEEAAAAAAAARGGHGGGHGGHGGGHGGHGGH!!!!!"
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A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.
"I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.
"What is it?"
"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."
The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to rape him. Savagely.
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A man walks into a bar
He drinks 6 Newcastles, 4 shots of Jack Daniels, hits on the waitress unsuccessfully, takes his wedding ring off, tried again and fails, drinks 3 more shots, drives home, beats his daughter for coming home late, and cries himself to sleep realizing that he hates his life.
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Patrick and Michael were walking along in a forest, when Patrick falls over and breaks his leg on a tree root.
In agony, Patrick turns to Michael and says "Quick, call me an ambulance!".
Michael replies " Okay I'll just go to that public telephone we saw earlier down the path - I'll be back in five minutes. ".
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Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?
He was weird.
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Why do Mexicans not like going out in the rain?
It's wet.
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A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies:
"I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existance and the extent to which I am now protected by law."
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A chicken begins crossing the street and is hit by several fast moving metal boxes with wheels.
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A man walks into a bar.
He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.
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What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
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A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life.
When asked if he could see the humor in the situation, the child replied "No. No I don't."
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Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
Because she was blind and deaf.
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The Pope walks into a bar. The bartender says, what'll ya have, Pope? But the Pope's grasp of English is tenuous at best, so he mumbles something in Latin. The bartender doesn't know any Latin. The Pope gets frustrated and leaves.
A kid is riding down the street when his chain pops off his bicycle. The kid yells "God damm!" as he begins to fix it. A priest walking nearby overhears the boy taking god's name in vein and says "Don't say 'God damm' say 'God help us'".
The kid says, "I am an atheist, get away from me".
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How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her
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What's the difference between the Pope and Michael Jackson?
The Pope is dead.
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A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck to his crotch.
The bartender says, "Hey, you got a wheel stuck to your crotch."
The pirate replies, "Yarr, me ship wrecked in a terrible storm and my testicles swelled with an infection while I was knocked unconscious against the wheel. Can you please call a doctor?"
Made fun of.
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What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor's office wearing a suit. The doctor says "Why are you wearing a suit?" The black man says "I just got back from a funeral"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
" Would you like an ice pack? "
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jesus is hanging on the cross and John approaches.
John says: "Jesus, its John. How may I serve thee ain thy time of need?"
Jesus replies: "YEEEAAAAAAAARGGHGGGHGGHGGGHGGHGGH!!!!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.
"I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.
"What is it?"
"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."
The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to rape him. Savagely.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar
He drinks 6 Newcastles, 4 shots of Jack Daniels, hits on the waitress unsuccessfully, takes his wedding ring off, tried again and fails, drinks 3 more shots, drives home, beats his daughter for coming home late, and cries himself to sleep realizing that he hates his life.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patrick and Michael were walking along in a forest, when Patrick falls over and breaks his leg on a tree root.
In agony, Patrick turns to Michael and says "Quick, call me an ambulance!".
Michael replies " Okay I'll just go to that public telephone we saw earlier down the path - I'll be back in five minutes. ".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?
He was weird.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do Mexicans not like going out in the rain?
It's wet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies:
"I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existance and the extent to which I am now protected by law."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A chicken begins crossing the street and is hit by several fast moving metal boxes with wheels.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar.
He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life.
When asked if he could see the humor in the situation, the child replied "No. No I don't."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
Because she was blind and deaf.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pope walks into a bar. The bartender says, what'll ya have, Pope? But the Pope's grasp of English is tenuous at best, so he mumbles something in Latin. The bartender doesn't know any Latin. The Pope gets frustrated and leaves.
A kid is riding down the street when his chain pops off his bicycle. The kid yells "God damm!" as he begins to fix it. A priest walking nearby overhears the boy taking god's name in vein and says "Don't say 'God damm' say 'God help us'".
The kid says, "I am an atheist, get away from me".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between the Pope and Michael Jackson?
The Pope is dead.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck to his crotch.
The bartender says, "Hey, you got a wheel stuck to your crotch."
The pirate replies, "Yarr, me ship wrecked in a terrible storm and my testicles swelled with an infection while I was knocked unconscious against the wheel. Can you please call a doctor?"