(no subject)
ever feel like you're life is on a movie screen? and you're yelling & waving your arms "go after him!" "turn around!" "stay in the car!", but no matter you just have to sit & watch it all happen, completely powerless to change it? well. thats how i feel. i feel disappointed and frustrated. like i'm slowly starting to lose control.
as if i'm struggling so hard, just to keep my head above water.
today when me & tara went food shopping, she was like "why dont i just take this one?" and paid for everything. sometimes i just get so fucking embarressed about my whole money situation. i hate that everyones parents here just hands them money. taras mom sends her money just about every other week. my parents have never given me money. not even for lunch in middle school. i've always had to pay my own way, and i did just fine, but now that i'm paying half a tuition, i cant do it. i'm broke. flat broke. and i hate that it holds me back from things. i hate when i cant even buy food, i hate when i cant go to the movies, or to the clubs. i got to talk to ben yesterday though, and i'm so glad he understands. its nice to have someone who's going through the same thing. doesnt seem like many kids here have to worry about it much. i think thats why i got so upset last weekend when my things were stolen, because its not like i can just call mom up crying and she'll buy me a new one. no, she'll tell me i'm fucking stupid for bringing it and that i'm just going to have to get a new one when i have the money.
and i hate that i'm pushing away the one thing that means most to me. the one person who has always supported me and always been there for me when i needed him, even when nobody else would help. sat. night i called him up crying about how my things were stolen, and by the next morning he had left me a message telling me he found a store that sold my old camera and phone and not to worry about it. no one will ever treat me like he has, so why on earth am i trying to push him away? if anything he's the person i need the most right now.
and then there's those kids. the ones i thought could become my new best friends. the ones i felt i could trust most and really be comfortable with. but three has always been an odd number, and always leaves someone out. and even though i like him, i cant bring myself to act on it because i can see that it would make things uncomfortable. and i dont want to do anything to ruin this.
and slowly but surely i've stopped doing a lot of my schoolwork. i'm slacking off. not goign to classes as much. i'm staying up late when i should be sleeping. dance has got me so stressed out. i feel like i'm starting to get in over my head. but i dont know what to do. somehow i've backed myself into a corner. yet again.
and the truth is, its really not as bad as it seems.
i love it here. everything about it.
i love the dance girls more than anything.
megan makes me laugh so hard i want to pee.
everyone on my floor is like family to me.
i'm doing exactly what i love- dancing everyday.
but i just cant help but feel like things are about to get worse.