B is for Broken
This week has been a fucking roller coaster ride of emotions for me. In between balancing school, work, making futile attempts to care for someone I thought saw me as a part of their life, taking care of my health, and being a pillar of strength for the people who have lost a friend, as have I... I'm exhausted. I really am.
It's funny how the people I thought would provide me the most shelter from my pain and hurt were the ones who weren't really there at all. They weren't there for me physically. They didn't ask how I was holding up. I don't know if it's because I'm insignificant, or if they really just don't care. But the minute it felt like I was finally able to share some of my sadness, they turned away. Put down the phone. Stopped replying my text. Went about busy with other stuff that was apparently so much more important. And ironically I sought comfort in the most unexpected of ways.
I really know for sure now that I go too far the extra mile for people who don't deserve my love. I tried to scream for some form of help. And maybe what I needed to do was simply to ask. But a part of me didn't want that. It wanted to know that without me having to say anything at all, the people who cared, would know. All the while, what I really needed to hear was that you would never give up on me. And that you would always be here for me. But you weren't and you aren't, because I sat in anguish for 4 days. Without saying a word. So now I'll go to sleep in tears, and as usual, do the only thing I can do on my own-- That is to hope for a better tomorrow. And that my rest will relieve my heartache, like I always hope it does.
It's funny how the people I thought would provide me the most shelter from my pain and hurt were the ones who weren't really there at all. They weren't there for me physically. They didn't ask how I was holding up. I don't know if it's because I'm insignificant, or if they really just don't care. But the minute it felt like I was finally able to share some of my sadness, they turned away. Put down the phone. Stopped replying my text. Went about busy with other stuff that was apparently so much more important. And ironically I sought comfort in the most unexpected of ways.
I really know for sure now that I go too far the extra mile for people who don't deserve my love. I tried to scream for some form of help. And maybe what I needed to do was simply to ask. But a part of me didn't want that. It wanted to know that without me having to say anything at all, the people who cared, would know. All the while, what I really needed to hear was that you would never give up on me. And that you would always be here for me. But you weren't and you aren't, because I sat in anguish for 4 days. Without saying a word. So now I'll go to sleep in tears, and as usual, do the only thing I can do on my own-- That is to hope for a better tomorrow. And that my rest will relieve my heartache, like I always hope it does.