(no subject)
I've been avoiding writing this, because i was concerned about certain people reading these and making or leaving stupid comments, so i refrained. But this is my journal, these are my feelings, and this is something that has been bothering me for quite some time now. If you have a stupid comment, go ahead and make it. i'm expressing what i feel and you should to. Recently, i'm feeling like i'm being pushed further and further away, and typically, i wouldnt mind it. But the funny thing is, that the further away i am pushed, the better i see things from my point of view. I'm seeing that I have less and less people to fall back on. One of the reasons that i like my icon so much is that i am coming to the point where i realize who will matter, who never did, and who always will. I hate the fact that I feel very alone. Don't get me wrong, I know I have jorge, and cj, and luis, but they won't always be there to hold my hand. I know certain things in life i will have to face alone, but i didn't expect that I would have to face this much. I hate going to school now. If i could, i would switch and start over, just so i wouldnt have to deal with this anymore. When I get ditched, people only hang around me or allow me to be around them because they feel bad for me. And I don't need anyone's sympathy. I'm not used to dealing with things ahead of me. I always say that I deal with today, because I know that tomorrow will come soon enough. But now, I've started to look ahead, and it sucks. I have no desire to go to prom, or grad bash, or anything school related. Why would i go to someplace just to sit around people who are complete strangers? That's stupid. I hate fake. I always say that, because I really mean that. I have way to much of fake smile, fake friends, and fake relationship. I'm tired of them. I feel like I have finally found something real, but that only exposes everything that is fake to me. Sometimes when i would think like this, i would tell myself that I just sound like a four year old who can't find a best friend, but the more i think about it, the more i realize that this is how its going to be. Five years from now, i may never see or talk to these people ever again, and i guess now is better than later. I think i just hate the fact that it happened now. Senior year is supposed to be the best ever, but i'm so glad that I only have 3 more months till i get out of that hell hole. I don't want this anymore. Jorge is constantly telling me to have my life and live it well, but as david so buntly put it, i don't have a life. This is my life, as isolated as it is. Immature? maybe. but i dont think so. I think actually i'm finding a sense of maturity in the fact that i know that life sucks, and i'm dealing with all of its little sucky problems day by day. One of the things that really gets to me is that i didnt for anything. i don't want your lies, and like i said before, i don't need your damn sympathy. so why are they so insistant on giving it? i want to consume myself in my goals, just so i can get away from all of this. and maybe this is the push that i needed to really go for the things that i want. But right now, more than anything, i want to have those people who say they are who they are, to really be themselves. When, or ever, are they going to realize how fake they are? This hurts me, it really does. But i knew things were going to change, i just didn't know when. I'm learning to distance myself from those people who really aren't who they pretend to be, and to cherish those who do what they say they will do. I envy jorge so much. He has this talent that he can make himself invisible when the situation called for it. He can leave very simply, and a couple months later people would think about it, and wonder what happened to him. he can disappear in the sense that he can drop those fake smiles, friends, and relationships, and just move on. I want to do that. Like I said in another entry; there is only so much fake smiling that i can do before it really begins to hurt. And i think its starting to hurt. I love those people who i hold close to my heart, and who hold me close to theirs, but i still feel very isolated. Those three people know what I mean when i say "i want to go home". And I really do. I want to go home.