Don't read this.
...
I've been sitting her looking at the same spot for the past hour. I'm not really moving much. I either sit on the couch and stare at the tv, or sit by the computer staring at the screen. I know i'm not doing anything productive, but I really feel lost. I hate that I can't fix this for him, but I'm not going to fight his battles. I love him, I really do, and this all hurts me. Even after everything that I know that he did and how he met me, i still want to fix this. I can't be convinced otherwise. He wants me to hate him and to leave him, but I cant do that. I wont do that. You cant ever really hate someone that you love, you just hate the things that they do. This is the time that I see my true friends. In the middle of all this chaos and tears, they shine through. I dont like feeling like this, and I really dont like crying, but im still doing both. I talked to him today, and I was so amazed that I didnt cry. Both him and luis were, at first, kinda reserved about what they said to me or around me, because they were afraid that they would hurt me. the pieces cant get any smaller, i say. its true. I cant hurt anymore, but I cant hurt any less. I'm still going up there next weekend, i really dont know what to expect. But I guess I will just worry about tomorrow as soon as it gets here. damn you, marty. your comments just make me hate you more. i cant keep a conscience thought, my mind is just kind of jumping from one conversation and situation to another. I see jorge, i see me happy, i see us fighting, i see us fixing it, i see luis talking to me, i see him trying to make me laugh, i see cj comforting me, i see karla's concern for me, i see my relection in the mirror, i see all to much red. why am i like this? i cant leave, i wont. i wish i could make him see that what he thinks really is benefiting me really, in turn, is killing me. i'm praying, i really am. I've been praying for him since the day that I met him. i guess this is one of those times that God says no. I trust him, i really do, but i'm so selfish in the fact that i want to fix things on my time, not his. thats were im struggling. its hard for me to think that he really is going to work things out for the better. i wish i could see jorge, i want to see his eyes when he tells me these things. my heart and mind are screaming two different things. everything is so two-sided, but either side, i get hurt. ive always said that i refuse to be second to anyone, but i realize that this is what i want, so anything i do from here on out, that is me treating someone as second best. i dont want to do that to anyone, any more than he wants to do it to me. i make promises, and i keep them regardless of the situation. i kept telling luis that i trusted him, and this is what happens. my fear has come true, i feel alone. i told luis that i feel so isolated, but i really want to stay that way. im glad i didnt go to school today, because i dont want anyone's pity for the little white girl that cries. i can only fake a smile for so long before i begin to hurt inside again. i love him, and he tells me that he loves me, so why is it that we cant fix this? trey is so amazing, he's happy again, and that made me smile. trey is sitting there telling me that this is not my fault and to not blame myself, but how can i see otherwise? jorge keeps telling me that he doesnt want me to feel like im not beautiful or perfect, but thats not what im doubting-im doubting if either one of us really know what it takes to get to the point where we are happy. i want to fix this, i really do, but it takes to people to make this work. im probably not making any sense as i type, but a lot of this doesnt make sense to me either. how can something so perfect and so amazing hurt so much? i refuse to let my past cripple me in the future, and i take every measure in order for it not to. i guess not everyone sees the same way that i do. if this was easy, i know there would be an easy solution. but this isnt easy. this is hard, and complicated, and hurtful, and im still looking for a simple answer although i doubt i will find it. im so stupid in the fact that im doing this to myself. i dont blame him and i really dont hate him, i cant. i see no one to blame but myself. this really has no end. my mind is screaming a billion things, and im trying to quiet them in order to hear those simple words again...
I've been sitting her looking at the same spot for the past hour. I'm not really moving much. I either sit on the couch and stare at the tv, or sit by the computer staring at the screen. I know i'm not doing anything productive, but I really feel lost. I hate that I can't fix this for him, but I'm not going to fight his battles. I love him, I really do, and this all hurts me. Even after everything that I know that he did and how he met me, i still want to fix this. I can't be convinced otherwise. He wants me to hate him and to leave him, but I cant do that. I wont do that. You cant ever really hate someone that you love, you just hate the things that they do. This is the time that I see my true friends. In the middle of all this chaos and tears, they shine through. I dont like feeling like this, and I really dont like crying, but im still doing both. I talked to him today, and I was so amazed that I didnt cry. Both him and luis were, at first, kinda reserved about what they said to me or around me, because they were afraid that they would hurt me. the pieces cant get any smaller, i say. its true. I cant hurt anymore, but I cant hurt any less. I'm still going up there next weekend, i really dont know what to expect. But I guess I will just worry about tomorrow as soon as it gets here. damn you, marty. your comments just make me hate you more. i cant keep a conscience thought, my mind is just kind of jumping from one conversation and situation to another. I see jorge, i see me happy, i see us fighting, i see us fixing it, i see luis talking to me, i see him trying to make me laugh, i see cj comforting me, i see karla's concern for me, i see my relection in the mirror, i see all to much red. why am i like this? i cant leave, i wont. i wish i could make him see that what he thinks really is benefiting me really, in turn, is killing me. i'm praying, i really am. I've been praying for him since the day that I met him. i guess this is one of those times that God says no. I trust him, i really do, but i'm so selfish in the fact that i want to fix things on my time, not his. thats were im struggling. its hard for me to think that he really is going to work things out for the better. i wish i could see jorge, i want to see his eyes when he tells me these things. my heart and mind are screaming two different things. everything is so two-sided, but either side, i get hurt. ive always said that i refuse to be second to anyone, but i realize that this is what i want, so anything i do from here on out, that is me treating someone as second best. i dont want to do that to anyone, any more than he wants to do it to me. i make promises, and i keep them regardless of the situation. i kept telling luis that i trusted him, and this is what happens. my fear has come true, i feel alone. i told luis that i feel so isolated, but i really want to stay that way. im glad i didnt go to school today, because i dont want anyone's pity for the little white girl that cries. i can only fake a smile for so long before i begin to hurt inside again. i love him, and he tells me that he loves me, so why is it that we cant fix this? trey is so amazing, he's happy again, and that made me smile. trey is sitting there telling me that this is not my fault and to not blame myself, but how can i see otherwise? jorge keeps telling me that he doesnt want me to feel like im not beautiful or perfect, but thats not what im doubting-im doubting if either one of us really know what it takes to get to the point where we are happy. i want to fix this, i really do, but it takes to people to make this work. im probably not making any sense as i type, but a lot of this doesnt make sense to me either. how can something so perfect and so amazing hurt so much? i refuse to let my past cripple me in the future, and i take every measure in order for it not to. i guess not everyone sees the same way that i do. if this was easy, i know there would be an easy solution. but this isnt easy. this is hard, and complicated, and hurtful, and im still looking for a simple answer although i doubt i will find it. im so stupid in the fact that im doing this to myself. i dont blame him and i really dont hate him, i cant. i see no one to blame but myself. this really has no end. my mind is screaming a billion things, and im trying to quiet them in order to hear those simple words again...