Poor my heart and soul into this journal...
Tonight I had to think... I'm gonna poor my heart and soul into this journal so let me get to the point.
Tonight was really angry for me. With my car down and the truck low on fuel I had asked my mom if I could use her car and she said to use the truck anyway... Well... it died at my grandma's we had low oil and fuel. It pissed me off to no end that that happened I had damn well told my mom what was going on and she told me to use it anyway. I FUCKING NEARLY KILLED A $5000 DOLLAR MOTOR!!! It scared me and pissed me off. We don't have that kind of money. We don't have ANY money for that matter. We can barely pay for fuel. I need my car.
But anyway while all this was happening if just made me feel so insecure. I felt this swamping of emotions: Fury, sadness, insecurity. I know I was acting like a little kid having a tantrum tonight. But I'm a violent person when I'm angry and can't control it. All these emotions were pulling me in every direction. I took a whip and beat the fence and the afterschock caught me across the hand and now 1/4 of my hand is swollen. That numbness where I couldn't feel my hand at all brought me back to reality you could say. But the whole time afterward until now I've had this feeling of being bad luck, to everything and everyone. I haven't been able to hold a relationship. I can't keep a car going for more than a month. Lately not even for more than 2 weeks. I just can't stand it... What am I here for??? Nothing can go right for me lately... I feel so useless. I have no motivation for anything. I'm not going to graduate on time. My romantic life is either short and emotionless or ends not all that great. FUCK ME AND YOU!!! I hate this shadow and insecurities... damnit my hand is throbbing...
Tonight was really angry for me. With my car down and the truck low on fuel I had asked my mom if I could use her car and she said to use the truck anyway... Well... it died at my grandma's we had low oil and fuel. It pissed me off to no end that that happened I had damn well told my mom what was going on and she told me to use it anyway. I FUCKING NEARLY KILLED A $5000 DOLLAR MOTOR!!! It scared me and pissed me off. We don't have that kind of money. We don't have ANY money for that matter. We can barely pay for fuel. I need my car.
But anyway while all this was happening if just made me feel so insecure. I felt this swamping of emotions: Fury, sadness, insecurity. I know I was acting like a little kid having a tantrum tonight. But I'm a violent person when I'm angry and can't control it. All these emotions were pulling me in every direction. I took a whip and beat the fence and the afterschock caught me across the hand and now 1/4 of my hand is swollen. That numbness where I couldn't feel my hand at all brought me back to reality you could say. But the whole time afterward until now I've had this feeling of being bad luck, to everything and everyone. I haven't been able to hold a relationship. I can't keep a car going for more than a month. Lately not even for more than 2 weeks. I just can't stand it... What am I here for??? Nothing can go right for me lately... I feel so useless. I have no motivation for anything. I'm not going to graduate on time. My romantic life is either short and emotionless or ends not all that great. FUCK ME AND YOU!!! I hate this shadow and insecurities... damnit my hand is throbbing...