The negative mind tells you: everyone hates you*,you're a fat pig*, your disgusting*, you can't do a
Im going to write what happened the past few days.
I'm in so much pain.
I kind of want someone to read this just to I dont
know...comment, tell me how dumb I am...acknowledge my
existence?
HA! I'm stupid
please...somebody?
last week
Right now I am SO infuriated at my mother.
I told her I was going to bed because I didn't feel well.
I got the stop-feeling-sorry-for-yourself look.
and she said "dont listen to any music!!!"
WHY?
"because Im your mother and I said so"
MY STOMACH HURTS ITS PHYSICAL. anyways music helps me fall asleep
"YOU CAN ONLY LISTEN TO WIBI(contemporary christian station)"
why? i never listen to that station
BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!!
You always think it's my music.
Okay I've had the SAME music forever. You've heard it ALL.
Sara has coheed (the cd you hate) and I think you stole my thrice one.
most of my music [used to be] is christian...even though
"music" can't be "christian" because music isn't alive so to speak.
YOU ALWAYS blame my depression/anything on music or books
Maybe I feel sick because...well Im sick
Or maybe I get depressed because i learn NOTHING-
whatsoever at school, except how to get left out.
Or maybe...just maybe, ponder this MAYBE it's my family
I mean going from poor to poorer, you and dad fighting ALL the
time, you both working constantly(and making no money still)
along with having no friends and boys being stupid.
and I am just sick anyways.
Im like a... I DONT KNOW.
I mean I feel guilty every freakin' time I eat.
and you think I have an eating disorder and tell me Im stupid?
Like THATS gonna help.
+
-someone watching me
I mean her dad [was] a preacher.
They [were] (they thought) the PREFECT family.
Her parents Never EVER fight [fought]
Vanessa was perfect. She could never ever ever be depressed
or think bad things, NEVER EVER EVER.
Goodness, she's PRACTICALLY an angel. Sweet little Vanessa.
She doesnt understand the real world. She's so sheltered.
her life is perfect
It all happened when her parents started losing control of her
She dyed her hair blue (pink purple blue red) [its normal now]
and she lost a whole bunch of weight, and she dresses weird.
I MEAN she must be poor now, she gets used clothes.
She is totally a rebel.
I bet she parties
sleeps around
lets her boyfriend[s] touch all over her.
She's such a sinner.
sad case -anonymous witness.[thats wrong]
Im so bitter.
Please forgive me if you're reading this.
I shouldn't be mean.
But YOU didn't feel for all those years,
does that mean I cant feel either???
I know you love me [while you hate me]
I love you too, but
WHY
I just dont get the things you tell me like...
"When you are older you will AGREE"
Does a victim of child abuse 'understand' when why they were
beaten, or raped by their daddy when they are older?
by no means am I comparing myself to abuse like that but...
still.
Im deranged, when my I marry my husband he will hate me.
ihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyou
<3
iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou
I got the new emery cd.
Oh yeah.
I know Eyeliner boys name.
It's bryce.
He is so hot in his old lady fur coat.
Sunday morning was okay.
Mom and dad couldnt fight because dove and rock were with us.
I slept until five.
I took a shower when my parents got home.
I didnt feel well, and by mistake I told my parents
They both said "its because you havent eaten"
mom: GOSH AM I GOING TO START BABYSITTING YOU VANESSA, YOUR 15!
Dad went on... and off... and on...
I stared at my lap
Dad: I know from experience you always do this.....
I try to cut in
Mother sets Bacon on the table
my stomach CHURNS
She puts frozen salad in a bowl, throws bacon on it then gives it to me.
she orders me to eat it.
I think my stomach is going to INVERT.
The smell of the bacon makes me sick.
I ate it (she made me)
Then she said I was a dummy
and I had evil eyes.
music books food, these are the things we blame vanessa's problems on
eternal rock fest was fun.
I drooled over bryce
talked to joe and some kid about Hot music.
titus got mad because I didnt make out with him buy his band t-shirt.
Kirby wore my hat during his show.
AND I WAS REUNITED WITH DYLAN!!!!!
It's all good.
I'm a fag. Femme boys turn me ON