'we came here on a plane...
just a bunch of little boys...' - gatsby's. duh.
i leave in a matter of hours. and i'm leaving with something completely left unfinished. its strange how someone can evoke feelings in you that you never thought you could have for them. its taken me a long time to admit even to myself that i might be ok with this, but even now, there's nothing being said. the question is being avoided. a part of me is really frustrated over it, to the point that i try to bring it up when i can, and the other part is full of relief. to make a commitment to someone is going to be a huge deal for me, after spending 3 years with matt, and feeling like he's who i'm meant to marry. but only so much can be do on one side, and after almost a year of trying to figure it out, i'm finally ok not being with him. i of course love him with all of my heart, but i really do have to get over it. its just not healthy for me to live, thinking and hoping for something that may never come.
in any case, this issue i'm half-dealing with isn't something i should overthink. do i realllly want to be involved with someone? and if so, is this the person? i definitely shouldn't be pushing for something that i'm not completely 100% sure about, especially when someone else is in my thoughts, as well. yeah, i might be boy crazy, but when it comes to actually getting close to someone, that's where i'm almost out of the picture. i don't like people getting close to me, especially guys, when i know i could fall hard, then get destroyed. this tour will keep me distracted and out of the city that i'm not so hot about, and keep my mind hopefully off of these people. one, i've laid down somewhat of a hand, because i don't like being taken advantage of, and the other, i barely know, so i'll wait to see if he calls me. no worries, right? nothing to be bummed about. look at what my life is right now!!
my options for when i return from tour are seriously endless:
stay in philly
move just outside of philly
move to indiana with laura and dave, or just for the summer
maybe find a place in charleston
move to southern cali somehow
move back to seattle
move to portland
go home for just the summer
who knows what i'm going to do. i would much rather find a job on warped tour....so if you hear of anything..someone let me know. i know warped sucks, and the lineup gets worse and worse every year, but i want to travel some more and since i dont now what to do with my summer, i wouldn't mind being in the hot boiling sun every day, carrying heavy shit and trying to get kids to buy stuff.
have a good weeeeeek everyone! today i said goodbye to my zumiez friends....not all of them, just a couple, and it was oh so sad. i'll surely miss them, and hopefully have time to go visit when i get back.
xoxo
i leave in a matter of hours. and i'm leaving with something completely left unfinished. its strange how someone can evoke feelings in you that you never thought you could have for them. its taken me a long time to admit even to myself that i might be ok with this, but even now, there's nothing being said. the question is being avoided. a part of me is really frustrated over it, to the point that i try to bring it up when i can, and the other part is full of relief. to make a commitment to someone is going to be a huge deal for me, after spending 3 years with matt, and feeling like he's who i'm meant to marry. but only so much can be do on one side, and after almost a year of trying to figure it out, i'm finally ok not being with him. i of course love him with all of my heart, but i really do have to get over it. its just not healthy for me to live, thinking and hoping for something that may never come.
in any case, this issue i'm half-dealing with isn't something i should overthink. do i realllly want to be involved with someone? and if so, is this the person? i definitely shouldn't be pushing for something that i'm not completely 100% sure about, especially when someone else is in my thoughts, as well. yeah, i might be boy crazy, but when it comes to actually getting close to someone, that's where i'm almost out of the picture. i don't like people getting close to me, especially guys, when i know i could fall hard, then get destroyed. this tour will keep me distracted and out of the city that i'm not so hot about, and keep my mind hopefully off of these people. one, i've laid down somewhat of a hand, because i don't like being taken advantage of, and the other, i barely know, so i'll wait to see if he calls me. no worries, right? nothing to be bummed about. look at what my life is right now!!
my options for when i return from tour are seriously endless:
stay in philly
move just outside of philly
move to indiana with laura and dave, or just for the summer
maybe find a place in charleston
move to southern cali somehow
move back to seattle
move to portland
go home for just the summer
who knows what i'm going to do. i would much rather find a job on warped tour....so if you hear of anything..someone let me know. i know warped sucks, and the lineup gets worse and worse every year, but i want to travel some more and since i dont now what to do with my summer, i wouldn't mind being in the hot boiling sun every day, carrying heavy shit and trying to get kids to buy stuff.
have a good weeeeeek everyone! today i said goodbye to my zumiez friends....not all of them, just a couple, and it was oh so sad. i'll surely miss them, and hopefully have time to go visit when i get back.
xoxo