THE FEAR I CANNOT ESCAPE.
so i just finished harry potter and the deathly hallows. and it made me feel sad because ive been reading harry potter for the greater part of my adolescence and i find it somewhat symbolic that now, the summer before im supposed to start my adult life, the series ends... with hope.
hahaha. good ol' harry potter.
and lately ive been confused about almost everything.
and ive also been thingking alot about death. as a child i would always think about it. i would wake up in the middle of the night with this uncontrollable fear of the inevitable, and unable to sleep i would walk around my house crying. sometimes my mom would wake me up and try to ocmfort me talking about God and heaven and jesus. promises that jesus would save. and for a while i grew incredibly religious always telling stories about jesus to my preschool friends.
but now those similar feeling of unease have come back to me and again i feel like a scared child, so fearful of the inevitable so unsure of the unexplainable. sometimes i am filled with so much fear that i cant help but cry. i cry at at the fact that one day i will be old and i will die. and i dont know what will happen to me. i guess i could believe that jesus will save me and i will remanin in heaven for eternity. or there could be nothing. emptiness non existance. and that scares me more then anything. it seems so unfair tht we are given so short a life. a life of harry potter, of little dogs that lick your face, of good friends, and fireworks, and chocolate cake, of jokes and films and art and love and such tenderness. it is so unfair. and then it ends abruptly. like a blink of an eye, and itr could just be nothing blackness, no feeling, no comfort. nothing. my soul, the soul and life i truly cherish would be gone nothing but a small memory shared by a few and dead within a century.
and beyond that i think what happens when the end comes, and im talking about beyond apocalypse. because thats not the end it might just be the end of the living world but the continuation of the spiritual world (if i believe that such a hting exists) but what about the end of time? the end of space? of souls? heaven? hell? god? i know,i know. how can i say that? such blasphemy.
nothing scares me more the a wasted life and the utter darkness and silence that night follow.
and i know people will tell me their views on god and heaven, or theyll tell me it doesnt matter, live your life to the fullest. i know.
but i just cant escape this fear.
hahaha. good ol' harry potter.
and lately ive been confused about almost everything.
and ive also been thingking alot about death. as a child i would always think about it. i would wake up in the middle of the night with this uncontrollable fear of the inevitable, and unable to sleep i would walk around my house crying. sometimes my mom would wake me up and try to ocmfort me talking about God and heaven and jesus. promises that jesus would save. and for a while i grew incredibly religious always telling stories about jesus to my preschool friends.
but now those similar feeling of unease have come back to me and again i feel like a scared child, so fearful of the inevitable so unsure of the unexplainable. sometimes i am filled with so much fear that i cant help but cry. i cry at at the fact that one day i will be old and i will die. and i dont know what will happen to me. i guess i could believe that jesus will save me and i will remanin in heaven for eternity. or there could be nothing. emptiness non existance. and that scares me more then anything. it seems so unfair tht we are given so short a life. a life of harry potter, of little dogs that lick your face, of good friends, and fireworks, and chocolate cake, of jokes and films and art and love and such tenderness. it is so unfair. and then it ends abruptly. like a blink of an eye, and itr could just be nothing blackness, no feeling, no comfort. nothing. my soul, the soul and life i truly cherish would be gone nothing but a small memory shared by a few and dead within a century.
and beyond that i think what happens when the end comes, and im talking about beyond apocalypse. because thats not the end it might just be the end of the living world but the continuation of the spiritual world (if i believe that such a hting exists) but what about the end of time? the end of space? of souls? heaven? hell? god? i know,i know. how can i say that? such blasphemy.
nothing scares me more the a wasted life and the utter darkness and silence that night follow.
and i know people will tell me their views on god and heaven, or theyll tell me it doesnt matter, live your life to the fullest. i know.
but i just cant escape this fear.