"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past."
R.I.P
Time is moving really fast. The other day I forced my friends to look at old pictures and watch movies from when I was little. It's strange seeing and hearing all the relatives that are dead now. And it's amazing how much has changed since I was a little shit. Birthdays, Christmas, everything was different. Every relative was there, no matter how far away they lived. No one was divorced.
In one video, everyone was singing Christmas carols. I mean, that's not really something I want to do... but what happened to that cozy sense of family? Now everyone hates each other, or they're too tired and overworked to enjoy life, or they don't have the time to drive an hour.
It's disappointing. It makes me wonder what my future will look like, when it's my turn to take on family traditions. I don't really feel like I'll ever have what it takes to be a cute little home maker. I don't even want to have kids. I wish I did. I want to be able to piece together a family out of all these random relatives I have all over the place, most of whom I see once a year if I'm lucky.
I don't know why I'm thinking about all of this now. I'm sure my mindset will change in like, ten years.
I'm not feeling particularly philosophical or anything. The past few weeks I've been really out of it. I think everyone feels this way when they're this age. I've got a lot of questions concerning my future, and few definite answers.
My mom has been keeping an eye out for design studios in our area for when I graduate. She gives me newspaper clippings and stuff. But I don't even know where I'll be going after May of next year. The only thing I do know is that I don't really want to move back home and work in central Jersey.
I'm not exactly sure how to tell my parents that I might just... up and leave for a year or more. They've done so much for me over the years, and I feel kind of like I'm turning my back on them. But in all honestly, traveling and living in other places is something I really want to do... especially while I'm young and not fully established anywhere. So it wouldn't be fair to myself to stay home and be miserable.
I think they will be understanding. As long as I don't disappear forever.