(no subject)
yesterday morning bob cassilly died.
there's nothing to say about it that others haven't already. he was a creative genius who created one of my favorite places in this city. it is a place that after three years of working there, is full of memories for me. he will be missed greatly by his family, friends, crew, the city museum family, and all of the people who love his work.
i found out he had passed from a text message from my boyfriend.
i don't know what happened. but i know it must have been horrible for everyone there. scary, and heartbreaking, and shocking, and unbelievable.
i watched the midday news with my parents when they finally released the name.
i rushed home. i don't know why.
i kept trying to text the boy. and i called. and i got nothing. and suddenly it was evening and i was home alone and mourning things i still don't have names for.
i'm sad because a great man died.
i'm sad that no matter how hard i tried, that community of people never accepted me into its family. i'm sad because i feel like i don't have a right to mourn his death.
i'm sad that in the face of tragedy, my boy fell off our shared map for 14 hours. i'm sad he didn't want me by his side. i am a horrible selfish ugly person for it. i am sad that he surrounded himself with people that needed his care, and who's care he needed, and i wasn't one of them. i am sad that it stupidly made me feel the way i did when i worked there, and i would walk down the stairs hoping to see him or that he would want to go out later, and i would see him in the bar with his coworkers and their partners. and i would always feel so awkward, so surprised again and again to not be invited. i am sad i didn't warrant a phone call. i am sad because my feelings didn't exist for a day. i am sad i can't do anything to help anybody. and i am sad because nobody wants my help anyway. i am sad that i wasn't needed, wanted, or considered as someone who might be hurting,too. i am sad that when i apparently reentered the boy's mind, he had another worker's girlfriend call me. how stupidly embarrassing and hurtful to be reminded that she was important enough to be there, and i wasn't. that she could offer support i couldn't. that she could mourn a man i couldn't.
i am sad because i was alone. and i am tired of being alone.
it is 5 am and i am sitting in our kitchen with hot chocolate and crying and i feel like i don't belong to anyone. and i feel like i am a selfish horrible brat because as much as i want to believe that love and relationships are about having someone by your side as you face the world, they aren't. and the day a friend of your boy's has died is not the day to voice that.
i am sad because i feel like i don't have any place in this world, and i am tired after all these years of trying to carve one out.
i am sad and i am tired and i am selfish and i want someone to tell me that's okay right now.
i give up. there are no corinne sized places.
there's nothing to say about it that others haven't already. he was a creative genius who created one of my favorite places in this city. it is a place that after three years of working there, is full of memories for me. he will be missed greatly by his family, friends, crew, the city museum family, and all of the people who love his work.
i found out he had passed from a text message from my boyfriend.
i don't know what happened. but i know it must have been horrible for everyone there. scary, and heartbreaking, and shocking, and unbelievable.
i watched the midday news with my parents when they finally released the name.
i rushed home. i don't know why.
i kept trying to text the boy. and i called. and i got nothing. and suddenly it was evening and i was home alone and mourning things i still don't have names for.
i'm sad because a great man died.
i'm sad that no matter how hard i tried, that community of people never accepted me into its family. i'm sad because i feel like i don't have a right to mourn his death.
i'm sad that in the face of tragedy, my boy fell off our shared map for 14 hours. i'm sad he didn't want me by his side. i am a horrible selfish ugly person for it. i am sad that he surrounded himself with people that needed his care, and who's care he needed, and i wasn't one of them. i am sad that it stupidly made me feel the way i did when i worked there, and i would walk down the stairs hoping to see him or that he would want to go out later, and i would see him in the bar with his coworkers and their partners. and i would always feel so awkward, so surprised again and again to not be invited. i am sad i didn't warrant a phone call. i am sad because my feelings didn't exist for a day. i am sad i can't do anything to help anybody. and i am sad because nobody wants my help anyway. i am sad that i wasn't needed, wanted, or considered as someone who might be hurting,too. i am sad that when i apparently reentered the boy's mind, he had another worker's girlfriend call me. how stupidly embarrassing and hurtful to be reminded that she was important enough to be there, and i wasn't. that she could offer support i couldn't. that she could mourn a man i couldn't.
i am sad because i was alone. and i am tired of being alone.
it is 5 am and i am sitting in our kitchen with hot chocolate and crying and i feel like i don't belong to anyone. and i feel like i am a selfish horrible brat because as much as i want to believe that love and relationships are about having someone by your side as you face the world, they aren't. and the day a friend of your boy's has died is not the day to voice that.
i am sad because i feel like i don't have any place in this world, and i am tired after all these years of trying to carve one out.
i am sad and i am tired and i am selfish and i want someone to tell me that's okay right now.
i give up. there are no corinne sized places.