& the steps dont feel like they did before...

[kiss_on_me]

its strange to sit here and actually write this for many people to read. im so over it. i never thought i would have NO feelings anymore towards him or this situation. i never thought this day would come. at first, it was a little depressing.. i thought it meant something that actually sitting back and looking at it. it doesnt. i am growing up - in healthy ways. making changes for the better. its like there was this huge weight on my shoulders and its just been lifted and it just like happened over night. i have no intentions on shedding a tear over him anymore. and its been god damn long enough. way to fucking long if you ask me. i feel like a completely different person than who i was when i was consumed with thoughts of him, the situation, the past, what i had tricked myself to believe would be the future. i like this person better. i dont regret anything that happened.. any of my thoughts. maybe i slightly regret some actions only because there were def better ways i could have handled things. ok sometimes it makes me sad i feel this way and it shouldnt. i am better off. but its not that im sad because like im not with him, i am sad because we were friends way before we dated and for a long time... and even good friends for a decent amount of time afterwards. and now we are nothing. i cant tell his dad that when we talk on the phone.. he always asks "have you spoke to brian lately?" and i have to lie. because i dont want to tell him that we arent friends anymore. its strange bc even at the times when we werent friends i knew i could turn to him if i really really needed someone, and i always said that if something bad happend to my family or even me i would tell him. now if someone was to pass away or i was diagnosed with a deadly disease... i wouldnt pick up the phone, i wouldnt IM him, nothing. why should i is what i think. we arent friends. why would i tell something that if i am not friends with them. i dont think he would care much anymore anyways. he has changed just like i have. we are not the same people we once were. i have come to accept that and move on in a way where i know i would be able to be his friend, sit down and bullshit with him and his girlfriend. i dont think he would be able to do that with me. and thats fine. its something i have come to terms with.

i have a kinda date tomorrow with justin. its weird.. i have known him since i was a freshman in high school - so we go way back and like i am soooo comfortable around him but like i am sooo soo nervous about it. i used to have a hugeeee crush on him when i was younger and so like to actually be hanging with him in a not full just friends way is weird. and i know its not just full friends because we talk and like we just click. about everything basically. he talked alot about me to paul today when they hung out. i dont expect anything. i dont even know if we will make out because he admits to getting soooo sooo shy around me. but i guess we will see. i feel like i have no luck with guys lately. the shit that happend with frank... billy liking me & me realizing i do not like him like that at all. but there is something about justin.. like i feel even if we do end up doing something - it wont turn out badly. at all. he is a great guy and any girl is lucky to be with him.. so i hope someone good ends up with him. some days i want a bf and other days im like thank god i dont. its like when i sleep alone at night sometimes i wish i could have someone there next to me. ughh im stopping before i get depressed...