(no subject)
"I see you watching, looking back at me. These hellish eyes, they are not me. I see the blood and saliva dripping from your tongue. Did the angel fall? When was this monster born? Why do I sit here, standing at this face? These wings of mine, they have been burned away. These wings of mine, they have been BURNED AWAY." The Cruxshadows, Fallen Angel.
This is one of those times where I just don't know what is wrong, exactly. There is plenty that I could say is wrong, but what is the source? Is it the rejection that I'm simply avoiding, yet is inevitable? I finally realize that I can't hide anything from myself. I am in love with a man who I cannot ever be with. I despise my gender because of it. I finally find "my type". My type is only one man, I have always thought this way and now have proof, and he is interested in the gender that I am not. If I were to think of myself as anything, it would be the fallen angel. The monster. There is no beauty in a creature such as myself.
Meanwhile, unselfish focus: My brother. Now, I hate him a lot for all of his years that he's been spoiled, but, I would never let anyone harm him without them paying dearly. I've gotten my knees scraped bloody in fights for him. Now, he goes through such harsh trauma (I know, because I'm going through it, still.) and he decides he wants to get fucked up so he didn't have to deal with it when he got home. Okay, well, he has a heart problem. Drinking vodka, downing vicoden and adding weed DOESN'T HELP ! >.< Well, he blacked out for 10 minutes and gashed his head open, it bled a lot and he had to get 5 staples. His EKG was incomplete and he has to get it checked out. Meanwhile, I'm fucking 3,000 miles away from the only family member that I care about. I couldn't do anything but cry to myself. ugh.
Also, apparently, I'm immature for not wanting to continue pursuing a relationship with this man because he has an STD and I "Can't look past it". Really? I'm sorry, I'm a germaphobe. People like YOU are the reason people like ME don't have SEX! >.< I am so sick of being called a kid. I haven't revealed who you are to anyone. I haven't said anything to our mutual friends. Why would you say something to me like that? You can't guilt trip your way into my pants. I said we could be FRIENDS. Just because I care for you doesn't mean I'm going to prove it by sleeping with you, asshole. URGGGGHHHHH
I'm thinking, too. I don't want to be a girl. I only have one friend who is aware of anything and he's taking it very seriously. Unfortunately, HE'S the guy I want to be with who's GAY.
I've gained so much weight here. I'm depressed and utterly disgusted with myself. I would cry if I didn't have a bunch of morons around at all times, picking fights whenever they can! I mean, how dumb can you be? Just die. You know? Just DROP. It'd make me SO much happier. I mean it, too. So much happier. Plzkthnx.
I need to sleep. I'm sick of having to wait until this bitch is tired to get off of the couch I sleep oin so that I can go to sleep. I am to the point of crying and I want to do it. Alone. Get the fuck away from me and stay away from me. I want you to fucking DIIIIEEEE >.<
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This is one of those times where I just don't know what is wrong, exactly. There is plenty that I could say is wrong, but what is the source? Is it the rejection that I'm simply avoiding, yet is inevitable? I finally realize that I can't hide anything from myself. I am in love with a man who I cannot ever be with. I despise my gender because of it. I finally find "my type". My type is only one man, I have always thought this way and now have proof, and he is interested in the gender that I am not. If I were to think of myself as anything, it would be the fallen angel. The monster. There is no beauty in a creature such as myself.
Meanwhile, unselfish focus: My brother. Now, I hate him a lot for all of his years that he's been spoiled, but, I would never let anyone harm him without them paying dearly. I've gotten my knees scraped bloody in fights for him. Now, he goes through such harsh trauma (I know, because I'm going through it, still.) and he decides he wants to get fucked up so he didn't have to deal with it when he got home. Okay, well, he has a heart problem. Drinking vodka, downing vicoden and adding weed DOESN'T HELP ! >.< Well, he blacked out for 10 minutes and gashed his head open, it bled a lot and he had to get 5 staples. His EKG was incomplete and he has to get it checked out. Meanwhile, I'm fucking 3,000 miles away from the only family member that I care about. I couldn't do anything but cry to myself. ugh.
Also, apparently, I'm immature for not wanting to continue pursuing a relationship with this man because he has an STD and I "Can't look past it". Really? I'm sorry, I'm a germaphobe. People like YOU are the reason people like ME don't have SEX! >.< I am so sick of being called a kid. I haven't revealed who you are to anyone. I haven't said anything to our mutual friends. Why would you say something to me like that? You can't guilt trip your way into my pants. I said we could be FRIENDS. Just because I care for you doesn't mean I'm going to prove it by sleeping with you, asshole. URGGGGHHHHH
I'm thinking, too. I don't want to be a girl. I only have one friend who is aware of anything and he's taking it very seriously. Unfortunately, HE'S the guy I want to be with who's GAY.
I've gained so much weight here. I'm depressed and utterly disgusted with myself. I would cry if I didn't have a bunch of morons around at all times, picking fights whenever they can! I mean, how dumb can you be? Just die. You know? Just DROP. It'd make me SO much happier. I mean it, too. So much happier. Plzkthnx.
I need to sleep. I'm sick of having to wait until this bitch is tired to get off of the couch I sleep oin so that I can go to sleep. I am to the point of crying and I want to do it. Alone. Get the fuck away from me and stay away from me. I want you to fucking DIIIIEEEE >.<
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