goodbye cruel world....
so here is the last lj entry i ever write. i will no longer be reading lj so if there is something anyone feels they should tell me, u are going to have to tell me to my face. i no longer agree with posting your thoughts for the world to read but since this is the point of lj here we go...
in my entire life i can honestly say i have only had a handful of good friends. i used to think that i had more but time proves me wrong. i believe that there are certain things that can never be forgiven. whether or not the world agrees with me doesnt make a difference to me. when i was in middle school i had friends that stood by me no matter what. we were more like sisters than friends. i had that group that knew my every thought, they knew how to make me laugh and how to make me cry. they never would have made me cry. i miss those friends more than anything. the ones who stood by me in times of sadness. the ones who did things for me even if it hurt themselves. those were the kinds of friends i was raised with. jordan, kelley, alexis and later on montsy and sometimes evelyn when she wasnt being a crazy bitch. but anyway these are the values that i have taken with me. if there is something that your friend wants, u try your best to hand it to them on a silver platter no matter what the consequence may be for u. when i got to high school i expected to encounter that same type of person. i expected to have friends that would treat me like that friends i had growing up. it is true that my middle school world wasnt quite so complicated back then but the truth is it really was. deep down we still had the same problems. looking back that shit that used to happen seems so petty but they were big problems back then. we still struggled over what to do about boys, girls, drama. i wish i was happy like i was back then. i wish certain things would never have happened. i wish that ari was still alive. i could always talk to her about anything. i wish that josh was still alive. i would give anything to hug him to tell i love him just one last time. i wish that jorge was still alive. he died when i was 12 and i still cant deal with it. the truth is that no matter how much u want something it doesnt make it happen. if u want to judge me and tell me that im fucking up my life and that im doing the wrong thing go ahead. i dont even care anymore. u can look at me as some kind of addict that is slowly killing myself but in all honesty drugs are what have kept me alive. i really think i would have killed myself by now if not for them. well i wouldnt have killed myself because i dont believe in suicide but i would be a bigger mess than i am now and that is hard to believe. i dont doubt that ppl care about me. im sure there are plenty of ppl that do. but there is no one that u can trust in the world besides urself and i dont even trust myself anymore. i have become a huge emotional void. i feel completely alone in the world. i will be forever thankful for the ppl that care about me. it really does make me feel better to kno that ppl want to know that i am ok but the truth is i am not ok. im sorry if u dont agree with my method of dealing with the world but its what i do. i cut ppl out of my life. if i could i would erase every trace of her. every single trace. i moved across the country thinking that certain person would always be there for me. thinking that through all the shit i had been through in high school she was always there. i had never gotten into a fight with her. even though some times were better than others i always held her in highy regards. so i put pictures of her face all over my walls. i was convinced that besides jessica she was the one friend that i would never have any drama with. and now i fucking hate coming into my room and seeing her face everywhere. im the stupid one here. it was stupid of me to think that someone actually cared about me that much. there was a point when i was so fucking worried about her. i would have done anything to make her happy. to ensure that she would make it through her problems ok. giving yourself to ppl is a slow process of screwing yourself over. in the end our friendship meant absolutely nothing. i dont lie to my friends. i try my hardest not to take away someones happiness. and although this sounds fucking cocky i admire myself for that. i wish ppl could follow my example. although life does get the best of my sometimes and i completely shut down to my friends and the world, i think i am a good friend. i think i am a good person. i wish i could say the same thing for her. now lets look back at danielle drama ... danielle is one of the best friends i have ever had. i couldnt be happier that i started talking to her again because she has given me so much emotional support especially recently. but there is one thing that i do kno for sure. although it sucks to admit this, i never would have started talking to her again if i didnt have to see her everyday. her presence was a constant reminder of what we used to have. my friendships no longer have that luxury. i could easily live my life without ever seeing her face again. the one reason i dont want to do that is because i dont want to look back in anger. i want to look back and be able to think of how at one point in time we were attached at the hip. i want to think about how we got caught in rip currents together, how we went to every show together, how we went to baseball games together, how we went to the movies together, how we became pill poppers together, how we partied together, how we drank together, how we cried together, how we got mono like diseases together. i miss the way i used to admire her more than i miss your actual friendship. i miss seeing her as the vision of beauty, warmth and intelligence that just had a hard life. i wish i could think of her and be happy. but she is only human. she used to resemble something close to perfection. she was all that i wanted in a friend. now the thought of her just hurts. this is so much worse than everything that happened with danielle. so if u all thought that was bad multiply it by 100. i know how kt felt when she found out about rifkah and doug. how is it that all my friends knew and i didnt.
so amanda my final words to u are these i will always love u but i cant do this. i wish i could just make see things through my eyes. i hope when u look back u think that what u lost was worth what u have. i hope he was worth it.
to everyone else ... i love u all. paula u really help make me stable. or as stable as i can possibly be.
everyone else doesnt really do the whole lj thing so im leaving u bitches outt.
ooo jordanna u do it. i dont know if u saw the comment i left on your journal so look at it if u didnt. i love u too!!!!
soooo guys its been fun. this is eva amalia curbelo-infante signing out ...
in my entire life i can honestly say i have only had a handful of good friends. i used to think that i had more but time proves me wrong. i believe that there are certain things that can never be forgiven. whether or not the world agrees with me doesnt make a difference to me. when i was in middle school i had friends that stood by me no matter what. we were more like sisters than friends. i had that group that knew my every thought, they knew how to make me laugh and how to make me cry. they never would have made me cry. i miss those friends more than anything. the ones who stood by me in times of sadness. the ones who did things for me even if it hurt themselves. those were the kinds of friends i was raised with. jordan, kelley, alexis and later on montsy and sometimes evelyn when she wasnt being a crazy bitch. but anyway these are the values that i have taken with me. if there is something that your friend wants, u try your best to hand it to them on a silver platter no matter what the consequence may be for u. when i got to high school i expected to encounter that same type of person. i expected to have friends that would treat me like that friends i had growing up. it is true that my middle school world wasnt quite so complicated back then but the truth is it really was. deep down we still had the same problems. looking back that shit that used to happen seems so petty but they were big problems back then. we still struggled over what to do about boys, girls, drama. i wish i was happy like i was back then. i wish certain things would never have happened. i wish that ari was still alive. i could always talk to her about anything. i wish that josh was still alive. i would give anything to hug him to tell i love him just one last time. i wish that jorge was still alive. he died when i was 12 and i still cant deal with it. the truth is that no matter how much u want something it doesnt make it happen. if u want to judge me and tell me that im fucking up my life and that im doing the wrong thing go ahead. i dont even care anymore. u can look at me as some kind of addict that is slowly killing myself but in all honesty drugs are what have kept me alive. i really think i would have killed myself by now if not for them. well i wouldnt have killed myself because i dont believe in suicide but i would be a bigger mess than i am now and that is hard to believe. i dont doubt that ppl care about me. im sure there are plenty of ppl that do. but there is no one that u can trust in the world besides urself and i dont even trust myself anymore. i have become a huge emotional void. i feel completely alone in the world. i will be forever thankful for the ppl that care about me. it really does make me feel better to kno that ppl want to know that i am ok but the truth is i am not ok. im sorry if u dont agree with my method of dealing with the world but its what i do. i cut ppl out of my life. if i could i would erase every trace of her. every single trace. i moved across the country thinking that certain person would always be there for me. thinking that through all the shit i had been through in high school she was always there. i had never gotten into a fight with her. even though some times were better than others i always held her in highy regards. so i put pictures of her face all over my walls. i was convinced that besides jessica she was the one friend that i would never have any drama with. and now i fucking hate coming into my room and seeing her face everywhere. im the stupid one here. it was stupid of me to think that someone actually cared about me that much. there was a point when i was so fucking worried about her. i would have done anything to make her happy. to ensure that she would make it through her problems ok. giving yourself to ppl is a slow process of screwing yourself over. in the end our friendship meant absolutely nothing. i dont lie to my friends. i try my hardest not to take away someones happiness. and although this sounds fucking cocky i admire myself for that. i wish ppl could follow my example. although life does get the best of my sometimes and i completely shut down to my friends and the world, i think i am a good friend. i think i am a good person. i wish i could say the same thing for her. now lets look back at danielle drama ... danielle is one of the best friends i have ever had. i couldnt be happier that i started talking to her again because she has given me so much emotional support especially recently. but there is one thing that i do kno for sure. although it sucks to admit this, i never would have started talking to her again if i didnt have to see her everyday. her presence was a constant reminder of what we used to have. my friendships no longer have that luxury. i could easily live my life without ever seeing her face again. the one reason i dont want to do that is because i dont want to look back in anger. i want to look back and be able to think of how at one point in time we were attached at the hip. i want to think about how we got caught in rip currents together, how we went to every show together, how we went to baseball games together, how we went to the movies together, how we became pill poppers together, how we partied together, how we drank together, how we cried together, how we got mono like diseases together. i miss the way i used to admire her more than i miss your actual friendship. i miss seeing her as the vision of beauty, warmth and intelligence that just had a hard life. i wish i could think of her and be happy. but she is only human. she used to resemble something close to perfection. she was all that i wanted in a friend. now the thought of her just hurts. this is so much worse than everything that happened with danielle. so if u all thought that was bad multiply it by 100. i know how kt felt when she found out about rifkah and doug. how is it that all my friends knew and i didnt.
so amanda my final words to u are these i will always love u but i cant do this. i wish i could just make see things through my eyes. i hope when u look back u think that what u lost was worth what u have. i hope he was worth it.
to everyone else ... i love u all. paula u really help make me stable. or as stable as i can possibly be.
everyone else doesnt really do the whole lj thing so im leaving u bitches outt.
ooo jordanna u do it. i dont know if u saw the comment i left on your journal so look at it if u didnt. i love u too!!!!
soooo guys its been fun. this is eva amalia curbelo-infante signing out ...