so much
so much has happened...my life has taken this complete loop...it feels like everything has shifted...
i just am so confused...i don't really know what to do. like, him and i were such a huge part of each others lives....and i dont know, like how did it just end. its my fault, i know it is. i hurt him, and now i'm paying for it tenfold. sometimes i think its for the best. but when im laying in bed at night i know he's lying in his bed, hurting. and i know its because of me. i feel like this didnt really happen. or that we're just in some stupid fight. tho i dont really know what a fight with him feels like, it rarely ever happened.
hearing him cry is the most painful thing i could ever experience. it just makes me want to quit school and move in with him. i feel like i'm trapped, and that no matter what i do, things can never be okay. i like it here, but i love him. why cant i have the best of both worlds.
i read his blog on myspace today. he erased me from his profile. so i figured i should do the same. it was so difficult. it felt wrong. i felt like he would be mad if he found out. i felt like i was erasing a huge part of my life. then i wondered. has he erased me in other ways? what about the lighter i just gave him? what about the pictures of me in his wallet? what about the huge AVP poster on his wall, the build-a-bear, the in flames necklace...so many things. so many ways our lives were intertwined. you cant just erase something like this. and what about me? should i take off the rings he gave me? what about the prom picture sitting on my desk. oh man, what about the poster on my wall, where he wrote that he loves me more than anything. it hurts so bad to look at that. but at the same time, i'm just not ready. i'm not ready to erase him from my life. i still refer to him as my boyfriend when i'm talking about certain things. than i realize that he's not anymore, and i get this pain in my stomach.
i've been trying really really hard to be strong. but i feel like someone has just completely vaccuumed out my insides. but the worst part is, i know that its my fault. this all happened because of ME. but i don't know what to do..i don't know. why does life have to be so hard? why couldnt i have met him after college? it just sucks so bad. i love him...
i just am so confused...i don't really know what to do. like, him and i were such a huge part of each others lives....and i dont know, like how did it just end. its my fault, i know it is. i hurt him, and now i'm paying for it tenfold. sometimes i think its for the best. but when im laying in bed at night i know he's lying in his bed, hurting. and i know its because of me. i feel like this didnt really happen. or that we're just in some stupid fight. tho i dont really know what a fight with him feels like, it rarely ever happened.
hearing him cry is the most painful thing i could ever experience. it just makes me want to quit school and move in with him. i feel like i'm trapped, and that no matter what i do, things can never be okay. i like it here, but i love him. why cant i have the best of both worlds.
i read his blog on myspace today. he erased me from his profile. so i figured i should do the same. it was so difficult. it felt wrong. i felt like he would be mad if he found out. i felt like i was erasing a huge part of my life. then i wondered. has he erased me in other ways? what about the lighter i just gave him? what about the pictures of me in his wallet? what about the huge AVP poster on his wall, the build-a-bear, the in flames necklace...so many things. so many ways our lives were intertwined. you cant just erase something like this. and what about me? should i take off the rings he gave me? what about the prom picture sitting on my desk. oh man, what about the poster on my wall, where he wrote that he loves me more than anything. it hurts so bad to look at that. but at the same time, i'm just not ready. i'm not ready to erase him from my life. i still refer to him as my boyfriend when i'm talking about certain things. than i realize that he's not anymore, and i get this pain in my stomach.
i've been trying really really hard to be strong. but i feel like someone has just completely vaccuumed out my insides. but the worst part is, i know that its my fault. this all happened because of ME. but i don't know what to do..i don't know. why does life have to be so hard? why couldnt i have met him after college? it just sucks so bad. i love him...