Patty the Bitch
I got to talking with one of my fellow TAs today. It turns out that we've had one class together in the past, but we haven't really talked before today. She told me that she remembered me from that class because, during a group project we had to do, someone in my group was mad about me. She said that they said I was a bitch, although it's been so long that she doesn't remember why. She said that they made an impression on her, and that she accepted their assessment at the time. It's not like she knew me.
But it made me wonder, yet again, what I could have done to make someone that mad. Why is it that I come across that way to some folks? Why do I terrify others? I usually try to keep things friendly, especially at school; I feel that my classmates are comrades in the trenches with me.
I could blame it on the group work situation. When I am placed in a group for a project, I generally want the group to do something to get the work done. If the group is just wasting time doing nothing and a grade is on the line, I am going to move things along if no one else will. Getting it over with, you know? And I know that bothers some folks, but by that point I really don't care much. If others won't step up and someone has to in order for the work to be done, I am not going to fuck about all day.
But this has happened outside of group work, and outside of class. One of my good friends now of days said that when she first met me, she was terrified of me. What's funny about that is that I liked her quite well, and didn't treat her poorly. I've been called Hitler before, for God's sake (although I was only called that when I did speeches; go figure).
What is it about me that causes such a reaction? Is it that I'm not afraid to talk to people? Or that I express my opinions? I really try to be friendly to folks, even when I disagree with them. Am I doing that poorly?
The most amusing thing is that the TA I was talking to said that I remind her of a very well known teacher at our school: Dr. Calabrese. Folks either love or hate Dr. Calabrese, and to this day I've been unable to find a fence-sitter when it comes to him. I've seen rabid devotion and the Calabrese choir singing his praises, and I've heard folks warn new students not to take him almost on pain of death. I have always gotten along with the man and admired him for his amazing depth of knowledge. He has a tough front, admittedly, but I recognized that the moment we met, and I wasn't intimidated by it. Of course I bow to his superior expertise, but I'm not afraid of the man; some folks truly are. Perhaps that's why he and I have gotten along. Well, that, and I'll work like a slave to get a word of praise from him.
Part of me feels sad. I like people on general principle. I love my current students. I can only wonder what they must think of me. But another part of me is just frustrated. I should have to threaten people intentionally to get such reactions. What is it about me that has always been this way? I had forgotten about it for a while, this unnameable something, but I guess it's never going to go away. And perhaps that's best, even if I don't understand it, even if it hurts my reputation.
But it made me wonder, yet again, what I could have done to make someone that mad. Why is it that I come across that way to some folks? Why do I terrify others? I usually try to keep things friendly, especially at school; I feel that my classmates are comrades in the trenches with me.
I could blame it on the group work situation. When I am placed in a group for a project, I generally want the group to do something to get the work done. If the group is just wasting time doing nothing and a grade is on the line, I am going to move things along if no one else will. Getting it over with, you know? And I know that bothers some folks, but by that point I really don't care much. If others won't step up and someone has to in order for the work to be done, I am not going to fuck about all day.
But this has happened outside of group work, and outside of class. One of my good friends now of days said that when she first met me, she was terrified of me. What's funny about that is that I liked her quite well, and didn't treat her poorly. I've been called Hitler before, for God's sake (although I was only called that when I did speeches; go figure).
What is it about me that causes such a reaction? Is it that I'm not afraid to talk to people? Or that I express my opinions? I really try to be friendly to folks, even when I disagree with them. Am I doing that poorly?
The most amusing thing is that the TA I was talking to said that I remind her of a very well known teacher at our school: Dr. Calabrese. Folks either love or hate Dr. Calabrese, and to this day I've been unable to find a fence-sitter when it comes to him. I've seen rabid devotion and the Calabrese choir singing his praises, and I've heard folks warn new students not to take him almost on pain of death. I have always gotten along with the man and admired him for his amazing depth of knowledge. He has a tough front, admittedly, but I recognized that the moment we met, and I wasn't intimidated by it. Of course I bow to his superior expertise, but I'm not afraid of the man; some folks truly are. Perhaps that's why he and I have gotten along. Well, that, and I'll work like a slave to get a word of praise from him.
Part of me feels sad. I like people on general principle. I love my current students. I can only wonder what they must think of me. But another part of me is just frustrated. I should have to threaten people intentionally to get such reactions. What is it about me that has always been this way? I had forgotten about it for a while, this unnameable something, but I guess it's never going to go away. And perhaps that's best, even if I don't understand it, even if it hurts my reputation.