And it's good to know that you'll drive away from this car crash nightmare.
This entry has been a long time in the making.
I returned from the cold and dreary Buffalo to the equally dreary Rochester three hours ago.
Spring break is over and I have to get back to work and tests and routine. This is both good and bad. I gained a few pounds over break, which was a given based on my eating habits but I'm obviously not thrilled. So if nothing else, it will be nice to return to normal, regulated eating. The drive back here always feels like a weight being pressed down. I didn't dread it so much today because I am pretty sure I am going back home this weekend again. It's just knowing that my life is returning to monotony and not me doing what I want that kills me.
That's not to say break at home was anything to be desired. It was pretty unremarkable and it made me realize that I carry an idealized vision of home with me, one which is false. Of course it is nice to spend time with my friends (to actually have friends) and have the freedom to do that, but I guess it just didn't live up to my hopes. I left Buffalo feeling more than anything, disillusioned and upset. Not in my usual I hate school and not being home spell. No, this is a well, in addition to hating life at school right now, life at home is no better. I'm stressed and bored with life in Buffalo. The state of my family right now is a cause for alarm and I just feel really bad for my father, well I guess for my mother as well. It's mindblowingly frustrating and sad that my sister refuses to take responsibility for her children unless she is paid to do it. I don't think it's a burden my parents can really handle anymore and that scares me. Life with my friends feels like it's at a standstill. I feel like we are all at very different places right now and it's causing a lot of tension within our little group. I wish something would just happen finally so that we could move on. I'm sick of doing the same things day in and day out; some of us have not grown up at all since high school, and that's frustrating.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I am pretty sure I have made my mind up about next year:
I am staying in Rochester.
It was really Lauren, of all people, who tipped the scales for me. She isn't particularly known for her knowledge or intelligence, but the girl is really insightful. She told me when I looked back, I wouldn't think about how I was miserable, I would think about the good times and what I brought away from them. It's true. It was the first time I felt like I was getting a real answer. Everyone else tried, but everyone (and rightly so) carries a certain bias with them. Those biases were really apparent so therefore really easy to discount. Maybe because I speak with Lauren so infrequently her answer just seemed more removed, but really, whatever the reason, I liked her opinion and I think I am sticking with it.
Let's face it, I have a job that I like, at a school that I really do like at its core. The finances are really nice; I am comfortable here. I have the opportunity to go abroad. And I like my major. Really, the only part that is missing is my social life. Huge deal for me, yes. I am lonely and isolated, but I do blame a lot of that on my location. They need to demolish these buildings. I'm really hoping having a car would improve my quality of life here. Anyway, now let's consider the opposite: I transfer to UB and take all of those things off the table, but in exchange have a social life, one which admittedly is pretty lackluster. It doesn't balance out, does it?
Basically, I'm not going to walk into the office tomorrow and announce that I will return next year, but I am one step closer to doing so.
If I take nothing else from this misery, at least I learned about myself through this awkward process. I learned how I choose to make my decisions and what I value. I feel like I kind of learned what is important to me. There's more, but I won't get into it.
I'm still really frustrated about my life's current situation and static state, but I'm pretty confident that there is a reason I'm going through all of this and one day it will make sense.
Whine, whine, whine.
Someday soon an entry will come that proclaims my love for living and my gratitude to simply be alive.
I have those moments, and more frequently than it would seem here, but they just never command me to write as much as their devilish counterparts.
Oh, and hey, Daylight Savings, fuck you, I want my hour back.
I returned from the cold and dreary Buffalo to the equally dreary Rochester three hours ago.
Spring break is over and I have to get back to work and tests and routine. This is both good and bad. I gained a few pounds over break, which was a given based on my eating habits but I'm obviously not thrilled. So if nothing else, it will be nice to return to normal, regulated eating. The drive back here always feels like a weight being pressed down. I didn't dread it so much today because I am pretty sure I am going back home this weekend again. It's just knowing that my life is returning to monotony and not me doing what I want that kills me.
That's not to say break at home was anything to be desired. It was pretty unremarkable and it made me realize that I carry an idealized vision of home with me, one which is false. Of course it is nice to spend time with my friends (to actually have friends) and have the freedom to do that, but I guess it just didn't live up to my hopes. I left Buffalo feeling more than anything, disillusioned and upset. Not in my usual I hate school and not being home spell. No, this is a well, in addition to hating life at school right now, life at home is no better. I'm stressed and bored with life in Buffalo. The state of my family right now is a cause for alarm and I just feel really bad for my father, well I guess for my mother as well. It's mindblowingly frustrating and sad that my sister refuses to take responsibility for her children unless she is paid to do it. I don't think it's a burden my parents can really handle anymore and that scares me. Life with my friends feels like it's at a standstill. I feel like we are all at very different places right now and it's causing a lot of tension within our little group. I wish something would just happen finally so that we could move on. I'm sick of doing the same things day in and day out; some of us have not grown up at all since high school, and that's frustrating.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I am pretty sure I have made my mind up about next year:
I am staying in Rochester.
It was really Lauren, of all people, who tipped the scales for me. She isn't particularly known for her knowledge or intelligence, but the girl is really insightful. She told me when I looked back, I wouldn't think about how I was miserable, I would think about the good times and what I brought away from them. It's true. It was the first time I felt like I was getting a real answer. Everyone else tried, but everyone (and rightly so) carries a certain bias with them. Those biases were really apparent so therefore really easy to discount. Maybe because I speak with Lauren so infrequently her answer just seemed more removed, but really, whatever the reason, I liked her opinion and I think I am sticking with it.
Let's face it, I have a job that I like, at a school that I really do like at its core. The finances are really nice; I am comfortable here. I have the opportunity to go abroad. And I like my major. Really, the only part that is missing is my social life. Huge deal for me, yes. I am lonely and isolated, but I do blame a lot of that on my location. They need to demolish these buildings. I'm really hoping having a car would improve my quality of life here. Anyway, now let's consider the opposite: I transfer to UB and take all of those things off the table, but in exchange have a social life, one which admittedly is pretty lackluster. It doesn't balance out, does it?
Basically, I'm not going to walk into the office tomorrow and announce that I will return next year, but I am one step closer to doing so.
If I take nothing else from this misery, at least I learned about myself through this awkward process. I learned how I choose to make my decisions and what I value. I feel like I kind of learned what is important to me. There's more, but I won't get into it.
I'm still really frustrated about my life's current situation and static state, but I'm pretty confident that there is a reason I'm going through all of this and one day it will make sense.
Whine, whine, whine.
Someday soon an entry will come that proclaims my love for living and my gratitude to simply be alive.
I have those moments, and more frequently than it would seem here, but they just never command me to write as much as their devilish counterparts.
Oh, and hey, Daylight Savings, fuck you, I want my hour back.