[fanfiction] Waiting for Duke Nukem Forever

[kisforkurama]

Waiting For Duke Nukem Forever
Mikey has always known.

It's just something that is, the way he looks at people and he likes them and thinks they're pretty, but can't seem to translate that into wanting someone. For the most part, Mikey just takes it at face value because there's nothing weird about it in his mind. He's fifteen the first time he actually realizes that it matters to other people that he just doesn't feel anything particularly strong for people. Or rather: it matters to people who other people are attracted to and you have to be attracted to someone. The boys he's sitting with at lunch (Mikey, unlike Gerard, has never had many problems assimilating himself into groups of people) wolf-whistle at Christina Peterson, who is The Hottest Chick In The Entire School. Mikey thinks it's a little crude and just keeps eating his lunch while they harass Christina.

After, when Christina has given the customary eyeroll and disgusted sigh, Kendall Jackson elbows Mikey in the side and almost makes him drop his sandwich. Mikey half turns, giving Kendall the bare minimum of his attention, and waits for him to say what he's bothered Mikey for.

"Dude," Kendall says, "how hot did Christina look today in those tight-ass jeans?"
"She's okay," Mikey says, noncommittal, and goes back to eating.
"Okay?" Kendall sounds a little incredulous, "Christina is smokin'."
"Whatever."

Kendall gives Mikey a skeptical look, but thankfully goes back to eating his lunch. Mikey takes another bite of peanut butter and jelly. He doesn't tell Kendall that it's not that Christina isn't attractive (she is, if you're into the bottle-blonde, supermodel-y kind of girl), it's that Mikey just doesn't care that much about her. He doesn't want to date her, he couldn't really care less about fucking her, and he can't really imagine being friends with her so Christina Peterson just isn't that important to him.

That's the basic difference between Mikey and Gerard. Mikey lets people think that he's whatever they want to think he is, because he doesn't really care if other people are wrong about him. Gerard wants everyone to like him for who he is, and is loud about every aspect of himself, because he's not secure about what he is. Who he is. That's never been a problem for Mikey, who always been sure that whatever he was was is whatever he was and his family would still love him at the end of the day. That's enough for Mikey. That's always been enough for Mikey.

So when he starts going to shows, ending up at parties full of people and alcohol, Mikey lets everyone he meets decide what he is. He dresses in t-shirts worn thin with too many washings and jeans a shade too tight, dances against girls and boys without caring what they think they'll get from him. He kisses people when they're willing, and always manages to slip away before they can ask to go somewhere quieter. People don't notice, memories fuzzy with alcohol, and that's how Mikey hides his secrets.

He's not ashamed of it, but he knows that it's more trouble than it's worth to explain if people don't even understand why he doesn't think the Christina Petersons (or Brad Pitts) of the world aren't that interesting. It would just be annoying to try and explain what he is without words or context, and Mikey's never been that good with words. He's not Gerard, who can wave his hands around and spin words into speeches that people are willing to rally behind. Mikey wouldn't even want that anyway, because he doesn't want to be Gerard. He just wants to be Mikey, just wants to have fun. It's not like he's depriving anyone of anything-there are always easy people willing to be pushed into bathrooms and fucked. If you want it, Mikey has learned, sex is not that hard to find. It's actually a lot harder to avoid, he thinks, but he's gotten pretty good at it. He avoids the girls and boys vying to get into his pants, but makes out with them freely and easily. After a couple months of that, it seems that somehow everyone has a friend of a friend who's slept with Mikey Way without Mikey ever sleeping with anyone. Well, that's not exactly true.

With the way people go on and on and on about sex, Mikey gets mildly curious. He just wants to see if maybe everyone else knows something that he doesn't about it, and so he picks a girl that's pretty and willing and it's. Mikey's disappointment is somewhere between watching Super Mario Bros. and watching Phantom Menace. He expected something pretty grand, and it wasn't bad but it definitely wasn't grand and it wasn't so bad it's laughable either.

That was at the very beginning, when Mikey hadn't quite become king of the hook-ups yet, and he doesn't even remember the girl's name. The experience is disappointing enough that he doesn't seek it out again until Gabe, who is the first one to really notice. Mikey smiles in the way that people usually interpret as flirting when Gabe brings it up, and Gabe grins back like a predator. It's not anything Mikey is actually afraid of, because he knows how Gabe is, and he lets Gabe lead him onto the dance floor. He grinds against Gabe, easy as breathing, and Gabe plays along.

"Are you going to explain," Gabe asks into Mikey's ear while they dance, "or are you just going to evade my question, Mikey?"
"I'll explain," Mikey tells Gabe, "but not here."

Gabe raises an eyebrow, grin turned lecherous, and Mikey's mouth quirks up and he lets Gabe lead him out of the party and back to his apartment. They settle onto a couch that Goodwill might refuse and Gabe hands Mikey a beer when he sits down. Mikey sips at it, trying to put the words together for the first time, and Gabe waits.

"It's just not something I'm that into," Mikey says finally, shrugging, "you know?"
"Hey," Gabe says, "it's cool if you're not into random hook-ups. I'm not judging you."
Mikey shakes his head, "Not the hook-ups. Sex."

There's a pause where Mikey takes an actual swig of his beer and Gabe taps his index finger against the glass of his bottle. It's not a bad pause, Mikey knows, just one that needs to happen so Gabe can process. Gabe takes a swig of his beer too and swallows.

He says: "Like a monk or whatever?"
"No," Mikey rolls his eyes, "Like kinky shit, you know? Some people are into getting tied up, some people are into crossdressing, some people are into sex. I'm not that into sex. I'm into sex like some girls are into pink fuzzy handcuffs."
"The fuck?"
Mikey sighs, "You know, those girls who say they're into bondage, but they mean pink fuzzy handcuffs. They're okay with the idea of bondage, but in practice? Not so much."

That's not quite right, Mikey knows, but he thinks Gabe will understand that Mikey doesn't actually mean he hates sex. He just means that he thinks sex is great, but probably better left to people who like it more. Gabe nods, draining the rest of his beer. Mikey finishes his off too.

"Guess I'll never be invited to a party in your pants," Gabe says, grinning.
Mikey smiles, "Maybe some day. You never know."

And that's mostly the end of that, until it occurs to Mikey that he's not just aesthetically into girls. He comes to the conclusion that he's just into people, and so Mikey seeks out Gabe, because Gabe is the only person who knows (the only person that Mikey has flat-out told) and Gabe is always willing. Sliding up to him, Mikey grinds against Gabe's body, red plastic cup in one hand. Gabe grins, less like he wants to eat Mikey and more like they're sharing a secret. He lets Mikey get away with the dancing for a while until the music quiets down enough for him to whisper-yell into Mikey's ear.

"What brings you here, Mikey?"
"You should take me home tonight," Mikey says simply.

Gabe raises an eyebrow, but Mikey just smiles at him and drains the rest of what's in his cup. By the time he's swallowed, Gabe's grin has turned lecherous and Mikey knows he's made the right choice. He lets Gabe lead the way out of the party, and they don't say anything more until the chill of New Jersey fall is wrapping around them and they're walking side-by-side.

"So," Gabe says, "Why now?"
Mikey shrugs, "I decided I wanted the experience of fucking a dude. You're getting an invitation into my pants, I don't see why you're complaining."
"I'm not," Gabe laughs, "I just didn't want to be your druken regret."

Since Mikey's not even really that drunk, he's not sure how Gabe could be his drunken regret but he doesn't say that. He just rolls his eyes and knocks his shoulder into Gabe's. They walk the rest of the way to Gabe's apartment in silence. Gabe unlocks the door once they're there, and Mikey steps inside. He flops on the couch and waits for Gabe to come to him. He doesn't wait long before Gabe's settling onto the couch in the space next to him.

"So," Gabe says, like this is any other conversation between them, "how do you want to do this, Mikey?"
"Do I look like I do this often?"

He raises an eyebrow, but Gabe's not really looking at him so the gesture is probably lost. Instead, Mikey shifts until he's settled in Gabe's lap. Tilting his head, he presses his lips to Gabe's. Gabe's hands settle on Mikey's hips when he starts kissing back, and Mikey knows it'll be okay. He lets himself get a little lost in the kiss, safe in the familiarity of Gabe's tongue, and lets things happen as they will.

On the whole, sex with Gabe is great but it mostly confirms what Mikey already knew: he's kind of not that into sex. Like, it's fun and Gabe is awesome with his fingers, but Mikey thinks that there are things that are equally awesome and fun. Mutual orgasms are kind of boring, in the grand scheme of things, because they're kind of a lot of work for very little pay-off.

Gabe doesn't take it personally. In fact, he takes great delight in conflating the rumors about Mikey and Mikey lets him because the cover has worked for him so far and he see no reason to change what works. He doesn't really think about the fact that the rumors might make their way to Gerard until Gerard actually confronts him about his supposedly over-active sex life. He seems really concerned that Mikey may or may not be taking the correct precautions toward safe sex. Honestly, Mikey is a little offended at how little faith Gerard has in him.

"I'm just worried about you," Gerard says earnestly, "You're my baby brother, Mikey."
"Gee," Mikey sighs, "Gee, listen to me: they're just rumors. Besides, even if I did sleep around you know that I'd be safe about it. I'll be fine, Gee."

The problem is that Gerard doesn't know how to leave things alone. Usually that's not such a bad thing, but it's supremely annoying in this case. Mikey knows that Gerard's just trying to be helpful, but the way that Gerard keeps trying to get Mikey to, like. Talk about his feelings or something? It gets on Mikey's nerves. Mikey doesn't want to talk about his feelings, because he hasn't come up with a better explanation than the one he gave Gabe and he has a feeling that telling Gerard he's into sex like some girls are into fuzzy pink handcuffs will make Gerard even more concerned about his virtue.

Or maybe it'll make Gerard launch in a really long and really unnecessary speech about how "your kink is not my kink but your kink is still okay." That would probably be even more embarrassing than the sex talk he keeps trying to give Mikey.

It's not that Mikey minds that Gerard cares about him-he loves his brother and he loves that his brother loves him-but Mikey's gotten really tired of feeling like maybe sex is Duke Nukem Forever. Maybe the sex he's had is like those elusive little trailers and clips that float around, assuring you that the project isn't dead, just on hold. Forever. Maybe one day they'll actually release the damn game instead of just constantly promising that they're working on it; maybe one day he'll finally have sex and understand everything what everyone is always raving about.

It's unlikely on both counts, Mikey thinks.

They've been promising him Duke Nukem Forever since 1997, and it hasn't surfaced yet. He doubts it'll even be a good game when it's released (if it's released). Seriously, who even promises you a game and then doesn't deliver for over three years? It's not cool to release trailers and give an estimated eta before you tell everyone that no, the project is actually on hold. Whatever, man. Screw your game.

Unlike Duke Nukem Forever, Mikey doesn't think he can avoid talking to Gerard for three years, so eventually he does have to have a proper talk with him, although he puts it off for as long as possible. Gerard gets less and less subtle about his worries, and Mikey thinks that the box of condoms is pretty much the final straw.

"Look," Mikey sets the box of condoms on Gerard's desk, "I appreciate that you're my big brother and you're concerned for my safety and well-being, but it's seriously unnecessary. I'm not even going to use these."

Gerard looks like he's about to launch into a safe sex lecture, and Mikey holds up a hand. Gerard closes his mouth and waits patiently for Mikey for finish talking.

"I probably should have told you this before you got it into your head that I was having wild orgies, but I don't really have sex that often. Or ever."

Lowering his hand, Mikey stands and waits for Gerard's response. This isn't as easy as it was with Gabe, who is content to let people be whatever they want if it doesn't concern him. Gerard has Ideas and does the whole social justice thing that Mikey doesn't mind, but also doesn't really care for. He doesn't want to explain this to everyone he ever meets, doesn't want to become a poster boy for . . . Is there even a word for what he is? Anti-sexual is wrong, because Mikey's not anti-sex. Whatever, if there's a word Mikey's sure Gerard will find it and then tell him all about it.

The seconds stretch out, and Mikey really wishes he had beer or something, anything, to make this conversation less awkward. Gerard blinks, looking a little shocked, and Mikey sometimes wishes that understanding other people was as easy as understanding yourself. Mikey knows who he is; it's just that he doesn't know how to explain who he is to other people. He sighs and sits on the edge of Gerard's bed.

"But," Gerard says, "I've seen you sneak off with people and everyone says-"
Mikey raises an eyebrow, "Do you seriously believe everything that people say?"
"Gabe says," Gerard retorts, "that you are excellent in bed."
"Gabe says a lot of things," Mikey smiles, "but that one at least has basis in truth. I slept with Gabe, once."

Gerard sputters, and Mikey knows it was the wrong thing to say, but he couldn't help himself. It's kind of worth it just for the face that Gerard makes, but there's a pretty serious matter at hand. He sighs again, trying to gather up the correct words to say this time.

"Gabe was just helping me out," Mikey says, "I had to be sure that it wasn't just sex with girls that I wasn't into, and he's the only other person who knows that I'm not that into sex."
"You're not that into sex," Gerard repeats, sounding like his tongue can't quite manage the words, "I don't understand."
"You know how, like, some people aren't into bondage? I'm not into sex."

Mikey can feel the seconds stretching out again, and he waits for Gerard to finish processing what Mikey's just told him. This is definitely easier drunk, and Mikey thinks he'll try to have all future iterations of this conversation while decidedly not sober. The silences don't feel so awkward that way.

"I still don't really get it," Gerard says finally, "but if you've got yourself figured out, I guess I don't have to understand it."
"Thanks," Mikey says and means it, "Love you, Gee."
"Love you too, Mikey."

It's just something that is after that, although Gerard occasionally asks if Mikey's being pressured into anything and Mikey rolls his eyes and reassures Gerard that he can, in fact, take care of himself. They never really bring it up, even when the band becomes a thing that's actually going somewhere instead of just an idle idea. The band doesn't ask, and Mikey doesn't offer up the information without cause. It's not like he's going to sleep with any of them, and it's really not any of their business who he does and doesn't sleep with unless he's sleeping with them. They don't care anyway, they've been in enough bands to know that sometimes people are a little fluid. They also know that Gerard has huge speeches about that kind of stuff prepared and they're probably twice as earnest when they're about his brother.

Besides, Frank kisses Gerard all the time and not even just when they're on stage. Their band is really chill about sex and stuff.

So Mikey chats up girls and guys and never follows through on any of it. No one really catches on, and Mikey is allowed to just be. He likes that, likes how people suddenly don't give a shit about him because Gerard's in the forefront and screaming out lyrics written in the wake of tragedy. Even when they do pay attention to him, it's to his bass playing and not him directly. Mikey doesn't want the spotlight, and he mostly stays out of it where possible. In fact, Mikey's very content to stay as far from the spotlight as possible and continue to be the person that he is without the stress of being someone.

Then Pete Wentz happens.

That's how Mikey thinks of it: Pete Wentz happens. One moment he's just another guy from another band that's on tour with them, and the next he's never far from Mikey's side. It starts like that too: Pete winds himself around Mikey while Mikey's sitting and waiting for their band to be up on stage.

"Hi," Pete says, "I'm Pete Wentz. You should be my friend."
"Sure," Mikey says as he untangles himself from Pete, "I'm Mikey Way."
Pete slurs the names into one word: "Mikeyway. I like it."

The rumor on the circuit is that Pete's a little odd and that he means no harm, so Mikey expects that to be the end of his interactions with Pete. It's not, though, because Pete slots himself into Mikey's routine with an easy confidence that reminds Mikey of Frank. Pete acts like he belongs, because as long as you act like you belong, people are less likely to kick you out. The sudden and frequent invasion of his personal space should probably bother Mikey more than it actually does, but Mikey likes Pete (really, truly likes him), so he lets Pete be around and steadfastly ignores the way Gerard keeps giving him pointed glances. He doesn't care what Gerard thinks, okay? Gerard worries too much, and Mikey knows what he's doing, more or less. He goes to Pete's set, watching him from just off the stage. He lets Pete hold his hand, lets Pete kiss him until both their lips are red and wanting.

It's easy to be with Pete, made easier by the fact that he's unlikely to ever have sex with Pete being a total non-issue. Pete apparently doesn't do below the waist, and Mikey is completely content with Pete's hands on the curve of his hips while he explores Pete's mouth. He doesn't want anything else out of Pete, and it's nice to be in a relationship where his general non-inclination toward sex isn't something he has to worry about.

Despite what Gerard thinks, Mikey has been in relationships before. They usually don't last particularly long, a couple weeks at most before the other person decides that there are people who are more willing to put out and moves on. Mikey gets that, because it's hard to deal when people don't match up to your expectations and he doesn't hold the fact that they don't get it against them. Gerard would, but Gerard is kind of just prone to holding grudges so Mikey tries not to do the things that Gerard does, if he can help it.

He doesn't have enough time or energy to spend hating people and generally Mikey just finds that life is a lot easier when you don't spend unhealthy amounts of time filling your heart up with black rage. Besides, being around Pete would make him forget all that anyway. Pete seems to have made it his personal mission to make sure Mikey's never bored.

"Hey," Pete says one day, "Mikeyway. You wanna go to a waterpark? There's one, like, right next to the next venue tomorrow and I just, you know. It's hot and I thought it might be fun."
"I don't have swim trunks," Mikey says, which is not actually a no and Pete knows that.
Pete smiles, "I've got some you can borrow. Come to the waterpark with me, Mikeyway. It'll be fun."
"Sure," Mikey smiles.

It's a real smile, not the one he's learned to twist his face into to make people think he's flirting or the one he makes when he's trying to be polite. It's the smile he shares with Gerard, wide with teeth and a genuine happiness that's impossible to fake. Mikey doesn't use his as often as Gerard does, but Pete seems to drag it out of him. He knows Pete can tell the difference, because Pete twists until he's sitting on Mikey's lap and pressing their lips together. Mikey steadies him with hands on his hips and Pete kisses him like it's the end of the world.

The waterpark they go to the next day is a waterpark; Mikey can't say a whole lot more than that about it. There's water and slides and small children with sticky hands that run around while their parents yell at them not to break their necks. Pete seems entirely too happy to be there, and he drags Mikey onto a slightly terrifying water slide, careful to never let Mikey go because Mikey's not wearing his glasses and everything is just fuzzy shapes to him. This has the added benefit of somehow making the slide less terrifying, because he can't see anything while he's hurtling down at breakneck speeds.

Pete's there when Mikey drops off the end of the slide, a little lost and unable to make out anything clearly. He come into focus, so in Mikey's person space that it's becoming Pete's personal space too. Pete smiles at Mikey and Mikey smiles back.

"That was terrifying," Mikey says simply, "Are we going to do it again?"
"Yup," Pete takes Mikey's wrist, "We are going to ride the slide as many times as we can before someone makes us go to soundcheck or whatever."

Mikey finds that he's completely okay with that. He lets Pete lead him around all day, so careful in making sure that Mikey doesn't trip or step in anything gross. It's kind of nice, Mikey thinks, to have someone recognize something you've gotten used to dealing with and accommodate it in a way that most people don't even think to. He feels a little helpless, yes, but Mikey doesn't mind feeling helpless for a little while that much. If he felt helpless all the time, it would probably bother him, but usually Mikey feels pretty competent. He may not be the best bass player ever, and their band may not be a household name, but Mikey doesn't think they're doing that bad. They're on Warped, and that's something even if it means nothing to most people.

They ride the waterslide like fifty more times before the tech who drove them to the waterpark is yelling their names and telling them they gotta go. Pete helps Mikey out of the water, handing him a towel that was probably stolen from a hotel a couple cities ago so he can dry off. Mikey mostly dries his hair and face before Pete hands him his glasses and everything is blindingly clear and in focus. It takes him a moment to adjust, having spent most of the day in a blurry haze, and Mikey blinks a couple of times before he finishes drying off. They still have to sit on towels in the van, because neither of them were smart enough to bring pants or underwear to change into, but Pete's fingers are warm where they're curled around Mikey's, and it's fine. Everything is fine.

"We should do that again sometime," Pete says, sweeping his thumb over the back of Mikey's hand, "I had fun, Mikeyway."
"I did too," Mikey gives Pete's hand a tiny squeeze, "Let me know where the next waterpark is, yeah?"

The smile Pete flashes him is overwhelming. It's a little predatory like Gabe's, but without the intent behind it. Pete's just the kind of guy that looks predatory when he smiles, but is really a sweetheart. Mikey wonders if this signifies a type he has or something, but he doesn't care that much. Pete is Pete and Gabe is Gabe. It's unfair to compare them, even in his head.

Besides, Gabe cares for Mikey in his own way, but Mikey's never even considered dating Gabe. Gabe is like an older brother in some ways, and Mikey would never get over that feeling. It's why he picked Gabe, after all. Gabe is safe, a known variable, where Pete is kind of like Chaos personified. He burns so brightly that sometimes it hurts to look at him, but there are times where he's barely a flicker too. They don't happen often-and almost never on tour-but Mikey catches him during one. Pete's bundled in an dark, oversized hoodie that's got to be too warm for the summer heat, curled in on himself and quiet in a way that seems so unnatural on him.

When Mikey sees him, it's easy to sit next to Pete, close but not touching. Mikey doesn't say anything, just sits and watches the people walk by, until he feels Pete start to uncurl like a flower that senses the sun again. Even then Mikey waits for Pete to say something first.

"Hey, Mikeyway."
"Hey," Mikey says, turning slightly to look at Pete.
"You ever feel too heavy? Like you're gonna get pulled through the Earth, straight down to China, and no one's even gonna know you're gone?"
Mikey shrugs, "Sometimes."
"How do you get rid of it, Mikeyway? How do you get the lead out of your body?"

Studying Pete for a moment, Mikey thinks. There's a lot of things he could say to Pete that would sound like they're straight out of some dumb self-help guide or Gerard's mouth, but he knows that's not what Pete wants. Pete's probably tried all those things too, same as Mikey, and it's not like Pete has a sibling either, so Mikey can't say any of the things he does that involve Gerard. He scoots closer and presses up against Pete instead.

"I breathe in air and I breathe out lead until I don't feel as heavy. Sometimes it helps if I'm talking to someone."

Pete doesn't say anything, though, just breathes. Mikey wonders if it helps him too, even if it's just a temporary fix. He knows there are medicines, drugs they put people on to make the heaviness go away, and he wonders if Pete's got any. He supposes it doesn't really matter in the end if they're not helping Pete at the moment. Pete's leaning on Mikey now, heavy and breathing slow. They sit like that for a long time, breathing in and out in time, until Ray tells Mikey that he needs to get his ass over to the stage soon. Standing, Mikey brushes some of the ever-present tour dirt off his pants and waits for Pete to say something.

"Thank you," Pete says finally.
"No problem," Mikey says, "Sorry, I can't stay."
"Hey, Mikeyway?"
"Yeah, Pete?"
Pete breathes out, all in a rush, "Don't tell Patrick, please."

It's not Mikey's secret to tell, and Mikey's spent enough time around a sibling that he would never tell someone else's secrets, but Pete doesn't know that. Mikey smiles small.

"I won't," he says, "I have to go before they hunt me down and yell at me. See you later, Pete."

He doesn't really want to leave Pete, but his band really will kick his ass if he doesn't get to the stage on time. They play, and it's really not Mikey's best show until he spots Pete standing just of the stage, hands buried in the pocket of his hoodie and leaning against an amp. He's smiling, just barely, and it makes Mikey smile too. Knowing Pete is okay lets him breathe easy, and he even lets Gerard come lean against him for a couple lines during the set even though Gerard is heavy and he makes it hard to play.

When he gets off the stage and hands his bass to some tech, Pete's still there. Mikey walks over to him, aware that he can't kiss Pete, even though that's what he wants to do, because thousands of people with cameras could be watching. He settles for raising his hand as a greeting instead, and Pete mirrors the gesture.

"You were good," Pete says, "Remind me to come to your set more often. You're at mine all the time."
"There's this one bass player," Mikey shrugs, "I just like the way he handles his instrument."

That gets an honest-to-god laugh out of Pete, and Mikey likes that. He's not so afraid that Pete will break now, and that's a good thing because Mikey's not sure what would happen if Pete did break. He's the backbone of his band, front man even though he doesn't sing, and Mikey doesn't really want to know what that looks like without Pete. He doesn't say any of that, instead just smiling and making a motion for Pete to come walk with him. Pete's on soon, and Mikey walks him to the stage where he's supposed to be performing. There's a moment before Pete actually has to get on stage, and he stops, pulling off the hoodie. Mikey can see part of his stomach, the hint of the batskull, and he kind of wants to fit his hands over Pete's hipbones and touch their foreheads together, breathe calm into Pete. Instead, he takes the jacket when Pete holds it out.

"Hey," Pete says suddenly, "You wanna come play a song with me, Mikeyway?"
"Sure," Mikey says, even though that's probably the kind of thing Pete should clear with his band.

He climbs onto the stage when Pete does, setting the hoodie on top of an amp to retrieve later. The rest of Pete's band looks curiously at Mikey, but he just shrugs and points at Pete. That seems to clear everything up for them, so Mikey sits on the amp he'd put the hoodie on and watches Pete play to a crowd that loves him. There are people who keep looking over at him, but Mikey doesn't pay any attention to them. He stays mostly fixated on Pete, although he watches the other band members too.

They're about halfway through the set when Pete grins at Mikey, and Mikey gets up. He settles Pete's extra bass onto his body and it's not his instrument, but Mikey thinks he'll be fine.

"You may have noticed our VIP guest," Pete tells the crowd, "Mikeyway from My Chemical Romance. He's agreed to play a song with us, because we're awesome."

Mikey rolls his eyes, but then Pete launches into the song he'd taught Mikey one day while they were hanging out on the Fall Out Boy bus and Mikey isn't that good, but he suspects that isn't the point here. He makes it through the song without any major screw-ups, barely misses one of Pete's more elaborate tricks, and has an excellent time. When the song is done, Mikey carefully replaces Pete's instrument and goes back to sit on his amp.

From his seat on the amp, Mikey watches the rest of their set. It's awesome, and Mikey thinks it's kind of strange how easily Pete's slipped back into the frenetic personality that everyone knows and loves. He walks off stage with the band, holding Pete's hoodie, and Pete bumps shoulders with him companionably.

"We're awesome, Mikeyway."

The statement makes Mikey smile. He agrees with Pete: they're awesome. They're so awesome that Mikey forgets all the things that could go wrong between them and focuses on the moment instead. It's kind of nice to be in a relationship where Mikey isn't worried how long it'll take before the person he's with gets tired of dropping hints about sex that Mikey deftly ignores, where he isn't worried how long it takes them to realize that sex with him is actually less of a given and more like Duke Nukem Forever.

(For the record, it's not even the 90s anymore. They've been promising Mikey Duke Nukem Forever since last decade and it is definitely never, ever actually going to be a real game. No one needs eight years to make a sequel. No one.)

Being with Pete is so easy that Mikey forgets it even could be an issue. He also forgets that sometimes reputation can come back and bite you in the ass, which is probably why it surprises Mikey so much when Pete finally brings the issue up, completely out of the blue.

"You know," Pete starts, "I'm not that dedicated to the above the waist thing."
Mikey blinks, "What?"
"I mean," Pete waves his hands around, "It's kind of new territory, but like. I would definitely explore it if you wanted to. If you, like, don't want to that's fine. I mean, I just. I didn't want your dick to, like. Shrivel up."
"Oh."

The a moment tat stretches out in horrible slow motion, and then Mikey starts laughing. It's definitely not the right response, but Mikey actually cannot stop laughing. Pete doesn't know why what he's just said is so funny and Mikey knows he doesn't know, but it's hilarious. His reputation is apparently so notorious that Pete's concerned Mikey hasn't made any moves and Mikey's only slept with a very small handful of people. This is the funniest thing he's ever had happen to him, and he is definitely going to need to tell Gabe about it later.

"Mikeyway," Pete sounds kind of panicked, "Mikeyway, are you okay? Did I do something wrong?"
"No," Mikey shakes his head, still laughing, "it's just. I didn't know you were. I haven't."

He's a little hysterical, possibly because of the heat or something, and he honestly can't pull together the words to explain himself just yet, so he kisses Pete instead. It's calming, familiar, and Pete lets Mikey distract him for a moment while he thinks of the correct things to say. When he's finally got himself and the words put together, Mikey pulls back and touches their foreheads together like he wanted to before Pete's show the other day. He breathes out and relaxes, feels Pete relax too.

"I don't have sex," Mikey says when the words are ready, "It's not something I'm into."

Pete's close enough that Mikey can tell he stares for a long time, trying to find some kind of answer in Mikey's face. Maybe he thinks it's a joke. Maybe he's just processing. Mikey doesn't know, but he's not worried even when Pete frowns because Mikey knows that frown. It's the one Pete gets when he's trying to work something out, like lyrics or what to eat for lunch.

"They said-"
"Pete," Mikey rolls his eyes, "you should know that you can't believe everything people tell you."
"Have you ever . . .?"

The way the sentence trails off makes what goes in the silence pretty clear. He just doesn't know why Pete's asking the question-if it actually means "have you had sex?" or if it means something more like "why won't you have sex with me?" Figuring that Pete will clarify if Mikey gets the implications wrong, Mikey shifts off Pete's lap to sit next to him and shrugs. He'll go with honesty.

"A couple times."
"And you didn't . . .?"

At some point after this conversation, Pete and Mikey are going to have a talk about using real words and making them into complete sentences. He really hates trying to interpret Pete sometimes, and Mikey tends to think that Patrick is far better at it than him. Probably because he has more practice.

"It was okay," Mikey sighs, "I could do it again, if you wanted. But, like. We don't have to fuck for my sake, I'm good."

That's supposed to be the end of the conversation, because Mikey's pretty sure that Pete doesn't want to, but Pete never leaves anything alone and Mikey really needs to learn to anticipate the way that Pete pokes at things until they snap and bite him. In this case, it involves a lot of questions.

"So are you celibate?"
"No, I just don't have sex with people unless they ask nicely and I feel like it. You know, like bondage or whatever."
"So you do bondage?"
"No. Gabe tried to teach me when he was drunk one time, but it didn't stick. Knots are complicated when you're drunk and I think we ended up just making out instead."
"Wait, did you sleep with Gabe?"
"Once, yes. I just wanted to know what it was all about."
"Did you like it?"
"Like I said, it was okay. I'd be up for doing it again, but I'm not going to make you do anything."
"But what if I want to?"
"Do you?"

That's how most of their conversations about it end: with Mikey looking right at Pete and asking if he did, in fact, want to sleep with Mikey. It isn't like Mikey is actually adverse to it, he just really doesn't want to go through the trouble only for Pete to have some kind of sexuality crisis because he was gay below the waist too now. It's not a situation Mikey wants to deal with, even as much as he likes Pete, because if Pete's going to have a sexuality crisis it should at least be about someone that may actually want to be gay below the waist with him on a regular basis. There's pretty much no danger of that happening with Mikey, because he likes Pete but he doesn't want Pete.

(Mikey really likes Pete, because he answers all of Pete's questions instead of getting annoyed with him. The real reason that Mikey never talks about his general disinclination to have sex is because it entails an endless steam of questions that Mikey gets really tired of answering after a couple of days. Gabe hadn't asked that many, because Gabe just goes with the flow, but Gerard still asks questions sometimes and it makes Mikey want to punch him in the face sometimes which is weird because punching Gerard is like punching puppies. There are even times when Mikey is tired and actually does punch Gerard in the shoulder, which. There are definitely moments where Mikey wants to punch Pete, but he doesn't do it because he likes Pete and logically he knows Pete is just curious and that's fine. Mikey is pretty far gone for Pete.)

So that's mostly how it is for a week. Pete asks questions and Mikey answers until he gives up and distracts Pete with kissing to signal that their talk is over for the moment. Gerard keeps giving Mikey weird glances that Mikey interprets as how come Pete gets to asks you all these questions and you usually just punch my shoulder when I try? which Gerard should really know the answer to, so Mikey ignores him.

He's glad that the rest of the band noticed that he doesn't actually hook up nearly as often as his reputation claims a year or so back and are mostly unfazed by Pete's questions. Pete's rehashing stuff they mostly knew, because it's brand new to him, and they're more interested in playing Halo. Gerard also probably herds them away, and as much as Mikey sometimes wants to strangle his brother, he really does appreciate all the little things Gerard does.

After a week, Pete seems to get tired of asking questions and instead drags Mikey to some waterparks and on stage with him. Mikey goes and lets himself believe that's the real end of their conversation even though he knows that's a lie. He does a really good job of pretending that's the end of the conversation for the most part, though. The only problem, really, is that there's a hotel night coming up and Mikey's not. He didn't get his reputation without some careful studying of people's habits. He knows what kind of opportunity a hotel night is, and he's not dreading it, but he's kind of wary.

Pete's managed to pull what must have been every string he knows of to get roomed with Mikey. He's not really acting any different from normal, but Mikey still doesn't want to be something that Pete regrets. He's willing, because he likes Pete and sex is fun enough, but he likes it better when he knows he's not going to cause a freakout and it's complicated. It's very complicated and Mikey doesn't want to think about it, so he doesn't. He just drops his bag in the room and decides he'll go with the flow.

"Hey," Mikey leans against the wall next to the bed, "are you taking first shower?"
"Come here," Pete says, tugging on Mikey's jacket until Mikey goes and they're lying next to each other on the bed, "I don't have a plan, if that's what you're thinking. I just want to be close to you."

It's a simple request, and Mikey can tell that Pete means it. They lie there for a moment until Pete shifts, fitting his fingers under Mikey's chin to turn his head. He presses their lips together, and Mikey moves so he's on top of Pete, still kissing him. Mikey would be content to kiss Pete like this forever, really.

"Mikeyway," Pete whispers when they've pulled back to breathe.

The name is something that Mikey's heard a thousand different people say in a thousand different ways, but he's never heard it said like a raw whisper of awe and he's never heard Pete say it quite like that. He's unsurprised to find that Pete's hard, and Mikey shifts against Pete just to hear him groan.

"Hey," he touches their foreheads together, "tell me what you want."
"You," Pete says, raw in the same way as before, "I. More."

Mikey rolls them until Pete's propped up instead and Mikey's got both his hands free to undo Pete's fly and work his hand in. Sometimes Mikey is glad that he's experimented enough to know that he finds the way people fall apart much more interesting than having the sex himself. It doesn't happen to him the the same way, it seems, because orgasms are a bodily function kind of like sneezing. It happens and then you shake it off and go on with life. It doesn't make him sob and twist against the sheets when he curls his fingers around himself, like Pete does when Mikey's slowly jacking him off. It doesn't make him flush pink and shake with build-up and exertion.

Like this, though, Mikey can see the way that the orgasms rips through Pete. He can tell exactly when Pete is going to fall to pieces, and Mikey whispers, telling him come on. Pete does, and collapses bonelessly on top of Mikey. Generally Mikey would be inclined to leave him there, but Pete is heavier than he looks (or maybe Mikey's skinnier) and it gets a little hard to breathe after a minute or two.

"Get off," Mikey says, batting at Pete to try and move him, "you're crushing me."
"I see how it is, Mikeyway," Pete rolls off, "You charm your way into my pants and leave me for dead. Just for that, I'm taking first shower."

Mikey was going to let him have it anyway, but he doesn't say that. Instead he sits up just enough to watch Pete as he walks toward the bathroom, shedding clothes the entire way. Pete seems to have concluded that it's not really him that sets the boundaries here, and Mikey's glad that he didn't ask. There's no set edges to this thing they're doing, and Mikey doesn't really have any of the answers Pete is likely to want yet. He needs time to think, and the added complication of Pete wanting to reciprocate would have made things awkward. Rolling over, Mikey stares up at the ceiling and listens to the shower running.

He's never actually sorted through his feelings about sex in general beyond basically deciding if he did or didn't want to sleep with someone if the question was likely to come up. He'd decided, back when the thing with Pete was new, that it wasn't likely to come up. When it had come up, the answer had been easy: sure, but only if Pete wanted to.

Even now, Mikey's not really that sure that Pete really wants to sleep with him. He knows that Pete likes him just as much, because Patrick had told Mikey once, when Mikey had been waiting for Pete to come back to the bus, that Pete only stayed fixated on people he liked. Usually he was done in a week or two, moved on to the next shiny thing, but clearly Mikey's someone that Pete really likes.

There's nothing Mikey can say to that, because it anyone knows Pete? It's Patrick, who Pete occasionally refers to as "his better half," and who is Pete's Gerard. Patrick is close like a sibling, and while there isn't a huge amount of difference between how Pete treats Patrick and how Pete treats Mikey on the surface, Mikey can see what the differences are. Pete never careful around Patrick in the way he tends to be around Mikey, because Pete knows that Patrick will always come back to him. He's not sure about Mikey, and Mikey doesn't know if telling him would be a good thing or a bad thing so he doesn't say anything at all. That's probably not a good plan either, but it's the way Mikey deal with most things he doesn't want to think about.

(This is another one of those things that Mikey and Gerard don't always handle the same way. Gerard tackles his problems head-on most of the time and keeps telling Mikey that he can't just pretend that problems don't exist, forever, but Mikey's been doing okay using that method so far. Besides, he doesn't avoid his problems forever, he just avoids them until he's actually ready to face them. There's a difference.)

He's been dancing around the Pete problem for long enough that Mikey thinks he'd probably better actually start laying out the boundaries of it soon, even if they're liable to change. It's kind of like the kink negotiation that Mikey's had to do-although, for the record, Mikey's not that into bondage or any other kinky stuff any more than he's into sex, even though it's all pretty fun-except it's, like. Sex negotiation.

When Pete comes out of the shower, damp and with a towel wrapped around him, Mikey appreciates the sight for a moment before rolling off the bed and wandering into the bathroom. Contrary to popular belief, Mikey and Gerard aren't actually allergic to water or any of that nonsense. They just prefer actual showers or baths to weird hoseing off, so sometimes they get a little funkier-smelling than the other people on tour. Pete's never complained, and everyone on tour pretty much smells gross no matter what, so Mikey doesn't think that it matters all that much. He changes his underwear and sometimes his jeans when they're a little stiff, and that's kind of the best he can do when he's living out of a bus.

While he's washing off weeks of tour grime, Mikey condenses all of his rules and feelings about sex into something simple enough that he can communicate it to Pete. It's not something he's ever felt the need to do before, given that he's always let other people decide what he was for themselves. Pete is the first time Mikey feels the need to actually tell someone who he is explicitly, instead of just assuming that they'll come to their own conclusions. Maybe it's because they've already had a mishap with that method, or maybe it's because Mikey wants to Pete to stay around and he's not sure if Pete will once Mikey's laid it all out for him.

Stepping out of the shower, Mikey grabs a towel and takes his time drying himself. He needs the time to think, repeat his speech to himself until he's sure that he knows it well enough to recite without tripping over his words.

Pete dressed when Mikey wanders out to grab clothes to change into, sitting on the bed and watching the tv. His eyes flick over to Mikey when he notices him, and he smiles. He'd probably wolf-whistle if he knew how, Mikey thinks, or if they weren't in a hotel. There's something in that though that makes Mikey smile before he's gathered his clothes and disappearing into the bathroom. He dresses with the efficiency that tour drills into you and wanders back out into the room at large, settling on the bed next to Pete.

"We're not going to do anything that makes you uncomfortable," Mikey says without preamble, "and I'm not going to be your experiment, so if you think this is all a phase, then we'll just go back to hand-holding, waterpark dates, and making out until we can't breathe. I like you, though, and I'm willing to work this shit out with you if you want. Do you?"

There's silence for a couple of moments, Pete focused intensely on the tv, and Mikey wonders if Pete hadn't heard him. Then, something in Pete's shoulders relaxes a little and he shifts to settle his head in Mikey's lap. Mikey's fingers are running through Pete's hair almost instantly, and Pete's eyes flutter shut.

"I like you too, Mikeyway," Pete says, quieter than he normally is, "and, like, as much as the orgasm earlier was awesome, I don't think I really want that from you? I just want to take you to waterparks and play with you on stage and hold your hand and kiss you until there's no more air. I wanna take you home to meet my parents and cuddle on a couch and watch all the Star Wars movies with you-even the really terrible new ones-while we throw popcorn at the screen and quote all the awesome lines at each other. Mostly I just want you as, like, a person that's around in my life. Do you get that?"

Mikey does, because it's essentially the same thing he wants. It's weird, because what Pete wants lines up with what Mikey wants and there's a voice in Mikey's head that sounds suspiciously like Gerard warning him that this is all too easy and that there just aren't other people like him and there aren't people willing to accommodate him. For the most part, Mikey ignores it because it's a stupid little voice and what does it know anyway? Pete's old enough to make choices and know what he wants, and Mikey's not going to argue with him if he thinks he wants the same thing as Mikey.

"I do," Mikey says, when he realizes he didn't actually answer Pete's question out loud, "You should come to Jersey after Warped and we'll watch all the Star Wars movies in order. Frank will have to make the popcorn, though, because I always burn it."
"Patrick makes all my popcorn," Pete snorts, "You set a fire alarm off one time . . ."

Pete grins up at Mikey, all teeth, and Mikey wants every day to be like this moment. He wants Pete to make him laugh and tell him embarrassing tour stories and let Mikey run his fingers through short, black hair still a little damp from earlier. He wants to be domestic and stupid with Pete, maybe adopt an army of children to turn into little rockstars.

"I love you," Mikey says, because that's what this all amounts to and he doesn't know how not to.

There's a moment where Mikey thinks that Pete will run away or things will be awkward, but he thinks he should have known better than to think anything Pete does is predictable. Pete shifts so he's sitting up again and then he's kissing Mikey, sweet and every kind of kiss that Mikey wanted but was afraid to ask for. Somehow, Pete fingers Mikey's fingers and tangles them together with his before he breaks their kiss.

"I love you too, Mikeyway."

Only a handful of people have ever said they loved Mikey and meant it, and it takes Mikey by surprise every time. It's not that he thinks he's unworthy of other people's love, just that Mikey is aware how precious love is and he's always delighted when people say that they're sharing some of it with him. Mikey is measured with his, giving it when he's sure it's been earned, as much as Gerard is free with his, giving it whenever and wherever he thinks it's needed. Pete doesn't love either of those ways, because he loves messily-thrown out and exploding over his chosen target-in a way that Mikey might like just as much as Pete.

The tv is still on in the background, and Mikey is vaguely aware that they have an ass o'clock wake-up call so they can get on the road and reach the next venue, but he doesn't care about any of that because he has Pete in his arms, kissing him. Still, it's late and Mikey's tired so as much as he likes kissing Pete, he's gotta stop eventually. Reluctantly, Mikey pulls away and stops Pete when he chases after.

"Sleep now," Mikey tells Pete as sternly as possibly when he's loopy with happiness, "and more making out later. Okay?"
Pete rolls his eyes, "Fine, Mikeyway. We can be responsible adults and get our beauty sleep instead of making out all night."

Part of Mikey would be worried, but Pete's eyes laugh while he's saying it and when they settle under the covers, Pete pulls Mikey close. They'll be a sweaty mess when they wake up, the first layer of tour grime that settles on their skin, but Mikey can't even bring himself to care as he lets Pete kiss him senseless. Frank will complain, but Frank complains whenever everyone isn't showering every single day, so Mikey's gotten used to his bitching and moaning about everyone being grime monsters. It's not a big deal.

At some point, Pete and Mikey actually do fall asleep and stop kissing each other silly, but it takes a long time for them to do it and only a fraction of that time for the alarm to blare at them and inform them that it's time to get up and go to work.

(Seriously, some days Mikey thinks he's got the absolute best job in the world, and then other days he thinks that being a rockstar sounds a lot better on paper and he kind of wishes someone had warned him about 8am wake-up calls because 8am wake-up calls are no one's friend. Sure, you could sleep in the bus after you stumble on and while you were driving to the next venue, but bus-sleep is very much not as awesome as bed-sleep. Sometimes being a rockstar is not as glamorous as it seemed when he was younger and trying out for bands that rejected him. Sometimes only copious amounts of caffeine make Mikey into a reasonable human being-although that's most of the time, if Mikey's being honest.)

Mikey is unsurprised that Pete is awake before him and already bearing the life-giving gift of coffee. He suspects that Pete hardly slept, which is more sleep than no sleep so Mikey will count it as a win. Patrick had tried to explain about Pete's sleep cycles, but Mikey had quieted him because it wasn't really Patrick's secret to tell. Sure, it was something important about Pete that Mikey should know, but he figured that Pete would tell him about it in time. So far his knowledge mostly consisted of "sometimes Pete doesn't sleep" and "sometimes there's too much going on in Pete's head and it's hard for him to sleep."

Thankfully Pete's insomnia isn't anything new for Mikey. He's been dealing with Gerard and Gerard's vampiric tendencies for his entire life, so Mikey pretty much gets that sometimes certain people don't sleep at night or have trouble sleeping or just need less sleep than other people. It isn't really any of his business what people spent their nights doing, so for the most part Mikey just accepts that sometimes the people he loved don't sleep and look like someone gave them a black eye because of the heavy, telling bags.

"Good morning," Mikey manages one he's had most of his first cup of coffee, "how much time before we have to be on the buses?"
"Twenty minutes, give or take," Pete shrugs, "You need another cup of coffee?"
Mikey mumbles, "I need like twenty."

It might be because of the rumors about Ways and their coffee, or it might be because Pete's witnessing the way Mikey cradles his cup possessively first-hand, but either way Pete doesn't say anything about Mikey's comment. He just pours Mikey another cup of terrible, complimentary hotel coffee and waits until Mikey is mostly awake. There will be more caffeine in the bus, so Mikey manages to drag himself up to make sure his bag is in order and then unplugs his phone from where it's been charging and scrolls through his messages. There's nothing important in there, so Mikey leans on Pete, who's sat down next to him, and breathes.

"Mornings suck," Mikey whines.
"Yup," Pete sighs, "but think about it this way: tomorrow we get to stand on stage and play for a crowd of people that love us and this is part of getting to do that. Even if it sucks."
"You have a point," Mikey says.

He's going to continue that train of thought, only someone starts banging on the door and yelling for Mikey. It sounds like Frank, but you can never be sure through doors. Either way, Mikey looks at Pete and tries for a smile that probably comes out a little wrong.

"Guess that's our cue to get out of here."

Forcing himself to get up and grab his bags, Mikey walks over to the door and opens it. Frank is, in fact, the one that's been banging on the door. Mikey rolls his eyes and follows Frank out to the bus, turning to wave goodbye to Pete when he emerges from the room with his own bag. Frank raises an eyebrow at that.

"You got laid last night, didn't you?"
"Nope," Mikey smiles, "Guess I'm just in a good mood."

Frank looks like he doesn't believe a single word Mikey's just said, but he lets it drop. Mikey doesn't mind, because he is in a good mood: he's finally realized that it doesn't matter if Duke Nukem Forever is a good game or not. It only matters that he enjoys the process of getting there.

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