[fanfiction] even if there's no one else
Fandom/Pairings: Sherlock; Sherlock/John
Rating: PG-13
Pre-Notes: Written for
asexual_fandom's Valentine's fest because I had the sudden need for this and I always need an excuse. Spoilers for all of seasons 1&2, particularly The Reichenbach Fall. Also contains a distinct dislike of Anderson.
Disclaimer: Nope.
Summary: Boyfriend is not a synonym for anam cara.
even if there's no one else
Since Sherlock has met John and begun solving cases with him, they have been mistaken for a couple approximately 467.5 times (the half comes from the time they were legitimately pretending to be a gay couple on a case and Sherlock only counts it because it is, in all technicality, a mistake). There is a separate count (47) for the times that Mycroft has alluded to a relationship between them.
But, as he will steadfastly tell you, he isn't counting. John knows this is a lie and lets Sherlock continue to lie to himself because he finds it amusing that Sherlock would need to lie to himself about something like this. He rarely mentions it unless John brings it up first, and most people would infer that he doesn't care for it like he doesn't care for most things he deems unimportant. It irks him, though.
It's just not for the same reasons that it bothers John.
["Take my hand."
"Now people will definitely talk."]
The difference is simple: John is annoyed by the fact that people are placing a label on him that he doesn't identify with and also annoyed by the fact that he seems to have no luck dating women (John's generally preferred gender) because of this reputation. Sherlock is annoyed by the fact that no one understands that John is not his boyfriend, because assuming that all relationships must fall under a simple label is ridiculous and stupid on the level of Anderson.
John transcends all such juvenile labels, because the simple fact is that John is Sherlock's John. There is no other word in the English language that can encapsulate everything beautiful about John except that: John.
Boyfriend is not the word for someone you have love with a fierceness that you cannot comprehend, cannot even begin to explain, since the very moment you met them. It's not the word for someone who you would feel utterly lost without, someone who manages to make sure everything about you is a little less you (because pure you is something only they can handle). Someone who will not fail to tell you when you're being a massive git, so that you can, perhaps, not make the same mistake in the future. It is not the word for this thing that seems to transcend time, logic, convention-anything and everything that stands in its way.
["Do you ever feel like we've met before?"
"I would be lying if I said no."]
There is a word (phrase, really) Sherlock knows, encountered in some book on Celtic history probably, that comes the closest to describing his relationship to John. He keeps it filed away in his head, never to be deleted, along with all of the things he keeps in his head about John. Sometimes, in the dead space of early morning when only insomniacs and Sherlock are awake, he'll say it to himself: anam cara.
The most common translation for the phrase is "soul friend," which is also on the level of Anderson and the fault of some idiot who wrote a book (Sherlock has deleted all other information about this book, it's completely irrelevent). It makes the concept sound so juvenile, so tacky, and this is not the way that Sherlock means it at all. He means that he's so wrapped up in John (and John is so wrapped up in him) that they can hardly be separated. They are responsible for each other, and this comes before anything else.
Perhaps, Sherlock thinks, this is why John's short-lived girlfriends are never very fond of him. They have never had their very own John. Well, and Sherlock is generally quite rude to them because they universally don't deserve John at all.
(Sherlock is of the opinion that no one who cannot see that John is, for all that he appears perfectly ordinary, quite extraordinary in his own right really ought to be hanged. Since John has deemed hanging quote "perfectly nice girls" unquote a Not Good thing, Sherlock settles for being unaccountably rude instead. This is also on the Not Good list, but John is much more forgiving of it.)
["You could be nicer to them, Sherlock."
"I don't see why I should."
"You're just jealous."
"That would be petty of me."]
Sherlock steps onto the ledge, looking at the street below him. John is safe now, and Sherlock knows precisely what he's about to do. He's known for a long time that the game with Moriarty would come down to this. It's okay, though, because John has an unfounded and unfaltering faith in him. This won't be anything that John can't handle, and Sherlock knows this with an absolute certainty.
Maybe Moriarty doesn't understand that-no, Moriarty doesn't understand that. Moriarty is too wrapped up in making things interesting, deluding himself that they are the same, which they never could be. Never, ever could Moriarty be anything like Sherlock because Sherlock has been blessed with a John and when you have such a thing, such a person that will forgive you even when you do unspeakable things, you can never be anything remotely like someone without one. This is the fundamental difference between Sherlock and Moriarty, the difference that only Molly has ever seen, and the difference that most people mistakenly label as being boyfriends.
He's sad because he doesn't always deserve John. John doesn't deserve what Sherlock is about to do, for instance, and yet when he returns, John will forgive him. There is nothing Sherlock could do that would make John not forgive him except perhaps turn into Moriarty himself, and even still: John wouldn't believe it. John knows him, wholly and completely, and Sherlock can barely lie to him.
["Keep your eyes fixed on me! Please, can you do this for me?"
"Do what?"
"This phone call, it's my note. That's what people do, don't they? Isn't it?"
"Leave a note when?"
"Goodbye, John."]
This will be the greatest lie of all and for a moment John may believe it, but Sherlock has no doubts John will figure it out eventually. Sherlock throw the phone away, closing his eyes.
He jumps.
This entry originally posted here. Original entry currently has
comments. :D
Rating: PG-13
Pre-Notes: Written for
asexual_fandom's Valentine's fest because I had the sudden need for this and I always need an excuse. Spoilers for all of seasons 1&2, particularly The Reichenbach Fall. Also contains a distinct dislike of Anderson.
Disclaimer: Nope.
Summary: Boyfriend is not a synonym for anam cara.
even if there's no one else
Since Sherlock has met John and begun solving cases with him, they have been mistaken for a couple approximately 467.5 times (the half comes from the time they were legitimately pretending to be a gay couple on a case and Sherlock only counts it because it is, in all technicality, a mistake). There is a separate count (47) for the times that Mycroft has alluded to a relationship between them.
But, as he will steadfastly tell you, he isn't counting. John knows this is a lie and lets Sherlock continue to lie to himself because he finds it amusing that Sherlock would need to lie to himself about something like this. He rarely mentions it unless John brings it up first, and most people would infer that he doesn't care for it like he doesn't care for most things he deems unimportant. It irks him, though.
It's just not for the same reasons that it bothers John.
["Take my hand."
"Now people will definitely talk."]
The difference is simple: John is annoyed by the fact that people are placing a label on him that he doesn't identify with and also annoyed by the fact that he seems to have no luck dating women (John's generally preferred gender) because of this reputation. Sherlock is annoyed by the fact that no one understands that John is not his boyfriend, because assuming that all relationships must fall under a simple label is ridiculous and stupid on the level of Anderson.
John transcends all such juvenile labels, because the simple fact is that John is Sherlock's John. There is no other word in the English language that can encapsulate everything beautiful about John except that: John.
Boyfriend is not the word for someone you have love with a fierceness that you cannot comprehend, cannot even begin to explain, since the very moment you met them. It's not the word for someone who you would feel utterly lost without, someone who manages to make sure everything about you is a little less you (because pure you is something only they can handle). Someone who will not fail to tell you when you're being a massive git, so that you can, perhaps, not make the same mistake in the future. It is not the word for this thing that seems to transcend time, logic, convention-anything and everything that stands in its way.
["Do you ever feel like we've met before?"
"I would be lying if I said no."]
There is a word (phrase, really) Sherlock knows, encountered in some book on Celtic history probably, that comes the closest to describing his relationship to John. He keeps it filed away in his head, never to be deleted, along with all of the things he keeps in his head about John. Sometimes, in the dead space of early morning when only insomniacs and Sherlock are awake, he'll say it to himself: anam cara.
The most common translation for the phrase is "soul friend," which is also on the level of Anderson and the fault of some idiot who wrote a book (Sherlock has deleted all other information about this book, it's completely irrelevent). It makes the concept sound so juvenile, so tacky, and this is not the way that Sherlock means it at all. He means that he's so wrapped up in John (and John is so wrapped up in him) that they can hardly be separated. They are responsible for each other, and this comes before anything else.
Perhaps, Sherlock thinks, this is why John's short-lived girlfriends are never very fond of him. They have never had their very own John. Well, and Sherlock is generally quite rude to them because they universally don't deserve John at all.
(Sherlock is of the opinion that no one who cannot see that John is, for all that he appears perfectly ordinary, quite extraordinary in his own right really ought to be hanged. Since John has deemed hanging quote "perfectly nice girls" unquote a Not Good thing, Sherlock settles for being unaccountably rude instead. This is also on the Not Good list, but John is much more forgiving of it.)
["You could be nicer to them, Sherlock."
"I don't see why I should."
"You're just jealous."
"That would be petty of me."]
Sherlock steps onto the ledge, looking at the street below him. John is safe now, and Sherlock knows precisely what he's about to do. He's known for a long time that the game with Moriarty would come down to this. It's okay, though, because John has an unfounded and unfaltering faith in him. This won't be anything that John can't handle, and Sherlock knows this with an absolute certainty.
Maybe Moriarty doesn't understand that-no, Moriarty doesn't understand that. Moriarty is too wrapped up in making things interesting, deluding himself that they are the same, which they never could be. Never, ever could Moriarty be anything like Sherlock because Sherlock has been blessed with a John and when you have such a thing, such a person that will forgive you even when you do unspeakable things, you can never be anything remotely like someone without one. This is the fundamental difference between Sherlock and Moriarty, the difference that only Molly has ever seen, and the difference that most people mistakenly label as being boyfriends.
He's sad because he doesn't always deserve John. John doesn't deserve what Sherlock is about to do, for instance, and yet when he returns, John will forgive him. There is nothing Sherlock could do that would make John not forgive him except perhaps turn into Moriarty himself, and even still: John wouldn't believe it. John knows him, wholly and completely, and Sherlock can barely lie to him.
["Keep your eyes fixed on me! Please, can you do this for me?"
"Do what?"
"This phone call, it's my note. That's what people do, don't they? Isn't it?"
"Leave a note when?"
"Goodbye, John."]
This will be the greatest lie of all and for a moment John may believe it, but Sherlock has no doubts John will figure it out eventually. Sherlock throw the phone away, closing his eyes.
He jumps.
This entry originally posted here. Original entry currently has
comments. :D