(no subject)
Well today pretty much sucked. Everyone is in Washington and im bored out of my mind. We went on our field trip to Boston today. It was cold and it rained. But I got to wear Brian's sweatshirt. I love him for that. But I still kind of hate him, well not hate exactly, strongly dislike. After the way he treated me in the beginning of the year I dont know how I could ever trust him again. The fact that he says he likes me now is also pissing me off. I really liked him at the beginning of the year. Im not sure why exactly cause hes right, I didn't really know him. There was just something about him I liked. But why does he have to like me now of all times. He knows I have a boyfriend. One that I care about a lot and would never do anything to hurt him. Why does Brian have to like me now when I am completely over him. I gave up on him a long time ago cause I knew I wasn't going to get him back and because I knew that anything that happened with him would just end in me crying myself to sleep. Besides its not like he would ever be committed to me. I know that from past experience. And I know he also likes Lily. He has liked her all year. So how can he go and tell me and other people that he likes me. It really pisses me off. He had his chance and he lost it. I wouldn't mind being friends with him but nothing more. At first I wanted him to try and get me back. I wanted him to like me. So in the end I could break his heart like he did mine. And how his sister did my cousin. Its strange dont you think how his sister started liking my cousin again at the exact same time Brian started liking me? I dont. I think they planned it. So my cousin and I were going to plan against them back. Were going are the key words. I couldn't do that. And neither could he. So I told Brian not to talk to me anymore. To stop liking me. To give up cause I gave up on him a long time ago. He got mad at me, but thats ok. Im used to it by now. I am used to ignoring and getting ignored. Thats the way him and I are. We cant be around each other cause one of us always gets hurt. : / Nothing I can do. I just wish him and I could get along. But thats all up to him.
I am really starting to miss Sam and everyone else. Brenda I miss a lot cause I really need her. I need to talk to her about what has been happening with Brian lately and everything with my family. I just want o talk and hang out with her. And Sam I need right now cause I want someone to hold me. To keep me from hating life. To keep me from hating myself. I really Hate myself right now. : / I wish they were all home right now. I miss them all so much. Liz, Matt, Jared, Jill, Michelle, and everyone else. Its soo boring at school. All I do is talk to Cassie and Brian. Lily and Naomi too. I actually hugged her today. It was weird cause her and I never really talk or get along. But yea I decided when they come home on Friday im going to the school to greet them. Im giving them all a nice big hug and I want to hear all about their trip. Jared better dance with Steph at the dance on tomorrow, and if he doesn't im going to have to beat him lol. ok well im going upstairs to sleep. Im so tired.
And Brian if you do actually read my journal like you said you would then I hope you understand why I am acting the way I am. I just have a lot of trouble trusting people these days. Its hard for me now. But please dont stay mad at me : / .
I chose cold as my mood because I feel cold on the outside but. . . I also feel cold inside. Alone. Unhappy. Like nothing I do is right. Like I shouldn't even exist. Dead.
I cry myself to sleep almost every night now. But the tears dont always fall. They just build up inside of me. Never able to let go. : (
I am really starting to miss Sam and everyone else. Brenda I miss a lot cause I really need her. I need to talk to her about what has been happening with Brian lately and everything with my family. I just want o talk and hang out with her. And Sam I need right now cause I want someone to hold me. To keep me from hating life. To keep me from hating myself. I really Hate myself right now. : / I wish they were all home right now. I miss them all so much. Liz, Matt, Jared, Jill, Michelle, and everyone else. Its soo boring at school. All I do is talk to Cassie and Brian. Lily and Naomi too. I actually hugged her today. It was weird cause her and I never really talk or get along. But yea I decided when they come home on Friday im going to the school to greet them. Im giving them all a nice big hug and I want to hear all about their trip. Jared better dance with Steph at the dance on tomorrow, and if he doesn't im going to have to beat him lol. ok well im going upstairs to sleep. Im so tired.
And Brian if you do actually read my journal like you said you would then I hope you understand why I am acting the way I am. I just have a lot of trouble trusting people these days. Its hard for me now. But please dont stay mad at me : / .
I chose cold as my mood because I feel cold on the outside but. . . I also feel cold inside. Alone. Unhappy. Like nothing I do is right. Like I shouldn't even exist. Dead.
I cry myself to sleep almost every night now. But the tears dont always fall. They just build up inside of me. Never able to let go. : (