In a State like Insomnia
Tittle: In a State like Insomnia
Chapter: 4
Pairings: Kihae, mention of Kyumin
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Kibum has always, always loved Donghae. But Donghae loves Eunhyuk. Broken between happiness for his friend and jealousy towards Eunhyuk. But is Eunhyuk really THE ONE for Donghae or really just a playmate? Will Kibum dare to venture into something more intimate and intense than his friendship with Donghae? Will his strength be enough to brace him for rejection?
Disclaimer: Super Junior is mine I wish
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3|
"No...No...No....It just can't be...."Donghae stuttered and continued “I have to go….” and he ran as fast as his own two legs could carry him. Away from the ocean, away from the sandy shores, away from the beach, but most importantly, away from Kibum.
Kibum is left standing there. His eyes threatened to well up with hurtful tears. Staring beyond the vast are of golden brown sand, in the direction that Donghae ran….away from him. He ran home. Home seemed such a foreign word, no more home sweet home. He looked through tired and heavily bagged eyes.
Kibum is left standing there. His eyes threatened to well up with hurtful tears. Staring beyond the vast are of golden brown sand, in the direction that Donghae ran….away from him. He ran home. Home seemed such a foreign word, no more home sweet home. He looked through tired and heavily bagged eyes.
I'm tired of trying to put up a losing fight. I can't just fake a grin and bear it anymore. It’s time to start afresh again. Sick of fighting. Tired of losing. Mad at never getting what I want. Angry at everything in the world. Sad that I’m not good enough. Mostly, I’m SICK of ALWAYS being the one to pick up the fallen pieces of others while inside I’m breaking as fragile as glass. I can’t stand it no more!
Kibum slipped the shell into one of his pocket. Gave one wistful look at the beach where so many bittersweet memories were made and where his heart was officially, definitely and confirmed broken forever more.
He strolled away deciphering the moments of his life and how to put it all behind him as the past.
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“Leeteuk?” Kibum murmured softly.
“Yes?” Leeteuk said gently, taking in Kibum’s forlorn expression knowing something terrible had happened.
“I’m sorry…” Kibum said.
“What’s there to be sorry about?” Leeteuk said, voice still a soothing melody.
“I’m leaving…”
“When will you be back?”
"That's the point Leeteuk. Never...."
“Never? You can’t be serious.”
“I am! Please understand. I can’t bear to stay here anymore.”
“Kibum, you can’t do this to us. To Super Junior.”
“I’m sorry Leeteuk it hurts too much…” Kibum said hoarsely, his usually unemotional face at long last, broke down in tears.
“I hate to say it. But I understand. But please. Reconsider this action,” Leeteuk whispered comfortingly.
“I have. And my mind’s already made up,” Kibum whispered and left, never glancing back, at long last running away from his troubles.
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Donghae locks himself in his room knowing that Kibum wouldn’t dare venture in for when he reached the place after a long mourning in the park, Kibum’s belongings were all moved out to the living room. It’s just as well; they both needed their own personal space for the time being.
He never expected what was about to come in a few hours or so. But left alone in his own muddled thoughts he felt so lonely and neglected. For when he had hurt most it has always been Kibum who came and help mend him. But now, the savior himself founded this profound problem and now nobody was there to pick up the pieces.
But he had found out something brand new. He was depleted, broken, incomplete, a fraction of what he used to be. Only one thing could fix him again. But he daren’t take the chance for Eunhyuk had already ripped him to multiple ragged shreds.
Kibum, why admit now of all times? I’m sorry…I’m just not ready to start anew…
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Kibum’s POV
I’ve already wanted to go to America for quite some time. But the only one that held him back was Donghae. When he was there it was never the right time to leave but now that Donghae seems to want only to ignore me and run from my presence it’s time to let go and start again and to pursue the career I’ve always wanted and it’s all my own fault, for admitting to him while he was still in pieces.
That’s just what I am, completely and utterly selfish.
Donghae.......I love you. I believe I always will. But what I want between us, I believe would never bring you happiness. So I’ve tried to forget it but it never worked. I’m too weak-willed. I’m sorry that I was never enough to sustain Eunhyuk’s position in your heart. Never will be able to withhold your heart in my hands. I yearn for your warmth but if this relationship is not what you want, I’ll leave and halt all the pain I have caused you.
I truly am sorry.
Farewell Donghae.
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Leeteuk gathers 11 people into the living room to have a serious conference about Kibum’s leaving.
His solemn face crept in the hearts of them all wondering what news was so grave that it caused Leeteuk ‘The Angel’ to look so grim. “ Kibum’s leaving,” Leeteuk said softly.
The room turned so silent, so intense, the atmosphere could be sliced through with one thrust of the knife. Then the chaos began. The silent atmosphere interrupted with streams of talking, cussing, arguing etc.etc.
“How could he?”
“Why now?”
“13 no more…”
“Finally disbanding…”
“Our end is beginning…”
“Where is that traitor?”
Continuing on and on till suddenly there came a shrill voice shouting STOP!
Everyone turned, their gaze or glares now resting upon the frail body of Sungmin.
Sungmin suddenly seemed flustered by all the intensity of the awkward stares balanced on him. He cowered behind Kyuhyun scared to death of them all. Kyuhyun wrapped his one arm around Sungmin’s shoulder and pulled him closer towards his own body.
“ YAH! JUST SAY WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY ALREADY!!! ” Heechul yelled.
Sungmin’s eyes widened till Kyuhyun pushed him behind him to cover him from the raft of the temperamental Heechul. Kyuhyun hastened to explain how Kibum had confided in he and Sungmin of how he loved Donghae since he met him. How he only stayed cause he wanted to watch over Donghae like a guardian angel till Donghae didn’t want him anymore.
Everyone’s accusing eyes drifted over to Donghae. Which was a wrong move since Donghae was still in a fragile condition. Therefore, resulting in Donghae bursting into tears, rushing out and slamming the door.
Everyone seemed awestruck by what just happened. They never really knew that Donghae was as fragile as that. As response to that, everyone turned this time to glare at Eunhyuk who just seemed dazed, in a jumble of thoughts.
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Donghae is all alone again, crying in his room.
Kibum has left him undefended.
Kibum has left Super Junior.
Kibum has been the first to disband.
Kibum has left him for America.
Kibum is gone...
The realization hit Donghae as a lightning hits a tree, it jolts a memory deep in Donghae’s consciousness.
Kibum has always been his first in almost everything.
His first friend in high school.
His first best friend in high school.
His first choice in any groups or pairings.
His first….His first crush…
Donghae finally at long last notices his deepening desire for Kim Kibum. Wanting to feel his very warmth glowing against his own pale skin. Wanting to feel his soft caress as he leans over to hug him awkwardly. But he chooses not to realize that he had indeed fallen for his Kim Kibum in that way.
But what’s the use of wanting when he can’t have it.
It’s just too late.
Or maybe it’s not….
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Kibum sighs while still in deep thought. So much for being the gallant knight to save the ‘damsel’ in distress. Instead he had turned into a measly goblin, unworthy of the brilliant ‘damsel’s’ mere presence and causing him even more distress.
“ Kibum sir, it’s time to go,” Kibum’s escort muttered, leading him towards the grassy fields.
He had to go through the long way and board the airplane by the stairs as to not be hogged by any fan girls along the way.
He turned and stared at what seemed to be his last glance of Korea before leaving. He pulled the shell he had got from the beach out from his pocket and stared at it sadly. Kibum gave a deep sigh and turned. Cluttering up the metal stairs swiftly till he heard a distant cry calling his name.
“KIBUM!!!!!”
It was Donghae….
He stared.
“Kibum I know you’re hurt and angry but please just listen to me for a minute!” Donghae pleaded, still panting from his run.
Kibum sighed and trailed down the steps again. As he reached the base he stared at Donghae expectantly, waiting for his explanation.
“Kibum, please don’t leave. I need you… don’t leave me, don’t do this, please,” Donghae begged.
“ If you want me to stay, do you need me enough to say you love me?” Kibum asked, his smile, a mere façade covering his torment and turmoil of emotions whirling in his mind.
The silence prolongs. Kibum shrugged and said softly, “ Thought so.”
Kibum turns to board the plane again.
“ Wait Kibum……I lo…..I love you,” Donghae murmured softly staring into Kibum’s eyes.
Kibum eyes showered with hurt. “I bet this is just some sort of trick to pull me back to Super Junior, it won’t work. DAMN IT DONGHAE! STOP TOYING WITH MY GOD DAMN FEELINGS!!!” Kibum shouted.
Donghae stares remotely. Taken aback by Kibum’s forceful words. “It’s not a trick, it’s not a trick! Believe me Kibum.”
“Prove it…”
“I will!” Donghae saunters forwards, he doesn’t hesitate. He leans over so close that Kibum can feel Donghae’s breathe wash over the area of his mouth.
Donghae closes in on the area that separates the distance between his & Kibum’s sweet luscious lips till finally they meet.
“I love you,” Kibum whispers, his voice ragged from the previous make-out session.
“Love you too,” Donghae murmurs in Kibum’s ear, nibbling it softly.
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Kibum retrieves his shell and lifts it to his ear. Hearing the peaceful harmonic sound of the whistling ocean waves. A whiff of sea air catches on his nose. He smiles brightly, gently and lovingly.
A real smile.
One that has not been seen for many years. Till now….
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Kibum and Donghae fall asleep lovingly in each other’s arms, embracing the glory of being together.
And there they dream sweet dreams…No longer in a state like insomnia…
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Note:
Ah finally finished!!!!!!! Sorry it took so long to update. And sorry for the small amount of Kyumin in it.
Well hope you enjoyed reading it. Sorry for any grammar mistakes found.
Well thanks for reading then. Bye!!! =)