The dream made no sense at all, and it made perfect sense. He was watching Bones talk with Sybok, and like an Andorian movie translated, the words didn't seem to fit the motions of their mouths. He was talking about Spock, talking about himself and Spock, and their relationship. Sybok told him that while Jim remained, he couldn't be fully with Spock. Put a hand on Bones' forehead...
Jim jerked awake in their sleeping back, breathing hard as he looked around, then down at the man asleep beside him. He rubbed his face a few times, the last tendrils of the nightmare wrapped him. To get rid of them, he slipped out of the sleeping bag and went to the edge of the lake, splashing his face with some water. Hell of a way to wake up on Christmas morning.
Bones slept on a bit longer, unconsciously stretching out in their large bag. After a while he reached out and felt nothing there, and his eyes opened enough for him to see that he was alone.
Bones sat up and rubbed his eyes. He could see Jim standing on the shore, looking out into the water, and from experience Bones knew that only two things would get Jim up early and out of bed on a morning like this - sex or nightmares.
He watched another minute, then stood and walked over to stand behind Jim, letting his footfalls be loud enough to announce his presence.
Jim tilted his head just enough to see Bones from the corner of his eye, then looked back to the water. "...sorry, if I woke you up," he said roughly, still tired. He knew he woke up Bones sometimes with his nightmares, had actually kicked a bruise once on Bones' ribs one night and sent the doctor spilling out of the bed, but it wasn't supposed to happen on their vacation of all times.
He stepped behind Jim, his naked body chilled by the morning air but it felt warm next to Jim. Wrapping his arms around Jim, he rested his head on his shoulder and looked out at the water. "Looks so calm and peaceful."
Jim was silent to the question for a while, staring across the water. It was still and calm, so peaceful, the opposite of everything he was feeling inside. "Bones, do you love Spock?" Love was hard for Jim. His mother was gone, again, leaving a vacancy there, and while he cared about his father, twenty-five years without him made it hard to fill the void. He might have started to love Spock, if things hadn't gone down as they had.
The only thing he was sure about love was what he felt for Bones. Nothing could change that.
Of all the things Jim could have asked him, that would have been on the very bottom of his list.
"I'm almost positive I don't understand that question," he answered quietly, "or where its coming from." He turned Jim's body, so they were facing each other. "I love you."
"That doesn't answer my question," Jim said so sharply that it was clear despite his voice he was almost afraid that Bones didn't answer it. He was tight in Bones' grip, just watching him with those eyes gone dark.
It wasn't right, the way Jim was looking back at him. "No, Jim."
There was something there, between them, between all of them, and that wasn't going to change, but love? "I don't love Spock." He reached up and lifted Jim's chin. "And you know that."
"I don't know what's going on between you two anymore. You're getting through all this so easy. He shouldn't be able to label you as husband. He doesn't deserve that." Jim looked away, turned away, frustrated as he had been when he was talking with Spock.
"He's not my husband, Jim. You-" Bones took a step back, and turned to look at the lake. Scrubbing his face with one hand, he took a deep breath, not sure how to explain this. "It's not about labels, not like we think about them."
But it was important to Jim, so much more important than Bones ever realized. Maybe he'd been selfish about all this, waiting for Jim to think about it like they did, when he should have been making things better for Jim. It hit him, like a brick to the head, that Jim might need more.
He turned and stepped toward Jim, his hands reaching for his arms, pulling them close. Their foreheads pressed against each other and a crazy idea entered his head. "I love you," he whispered, the words escaping before he realized he was saying them.
"You know I do, Bones," Jim whispered back, still tense in Bones' hands. "If he wants to be bonded to a bunch of humans. he needs to accept we can't think of everything his damn way. Sometimes he needs to give in return. Maybe I won't ever want things that way with him. He's gotta respect what I have with you and I don't know if he does."
Jim was getting frustrated, because it was working pus out of the wound, but he just didn't talk about this sort of thing. "...I don't want him to have what we have, ever." Maybe it was wrong, maybe it was cruel, but this one thing was his in a way he wasn't going to let anyone take. Spock had that with Nyota, or was getting there... whatever it was, this thing with him and Bones, that was theirs and no one else's.
"I know," Bones nodded, reaching for Jim's face. "I get it, darlin', I really do." There was a little smile on his face, listening to him compare them to Spock and Nyota. Cemented the crazy idea in his head. "He couldn't have that, Jim. You and me," he chuckled, rubbing his thumb against Jim's cheek, "we're you and me."
A little smile fell on his face, the tension slightly broken by Jim's response. "You heard me."
Maybe it was time for a grander gesture. He knelt down slowly, his knees aching as he rested his forehead against Jim's hip. He kissed the smooth muscle of skin next to his hands and looked up at Jim. "I want there to be no doubt in your mind who your husband is, Jim, or who my husband is. It's you, always been you, always gonna be you. So..." he paused, taking another deep breath, feeling nervous for the first time now, "marry me."
Jim's eyes... he had this look on his face, the way he did when he was thinking a lot. Bones felt slightly dizzy, and nosed again at Jim's hip. Hadn't even done this with Jocelyn, nothing like this.
Jim jerked awake in their sleeping back, breathing hard as he looked around, then down at the man asleep beside him. He rubbed his face a few times, the last tendrils of the nightmare wrapped him. To get rid of them, he slipped out of the sleeping bag and went to the edge of the lake, splashing his face with some water. Hell of a way to wake up on Christmas morning.
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Bones sat up and rubbed his eyes. He could see Jim standing on the shore, looking out into the water, and from experience Bones knew that only two things would get Jim up early and out of bed on a morning like this - sex or nightmares.
He watched another minute, then stood and walked over to stand behind Jim, letting his footfalls be loud enough to announce his presence.
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He ran a hand over Jim's hair. "You okay?"
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The only thing he was sure about love was what he felt for Bones. Nothing could change that.
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"I'm almost positive I don't understand that question," he answered quietly, "or where its coming from." He turned Jim's body, so they were facing each other. "I love you."
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There was something there, between them, between all of them, and that wasn't going to change, but love? "I don't love Spock." He reached up and lifted Jim's chin. "And you know that."
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But it was important to Jim, so much more important than Bones ever realized. Maybe he'd been selfish about all this, waiting for Jim to think about it like they did, when he should have been making things better for Jim. It hit him, like a brick to the head, that Jim might need more.
He turned and stepped toward Jim, his hands reaching for his arms, pulling them close. Their foreheads pressed against each other and a crazy idea entered his head. "I love you," he whispered, the words escaping before he realized he was saying them.
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Jim was getting frustrated, because it was working pus out of the wound, but he just didn't talk about this sort of thing. "...I don't want him to have what we have, ever." Maybe it was wrong, maybe it was cruel, but this one thing was his in a way he wasn't going to let anyone take. Spock had that with Nyota, or was getting there... whatever it was, this thing with him and Bones, that was theirs and no one else's.
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Maybe it wasn't so crazy...
"Marry me."
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Then his brain broke.
Blink.
"What?"
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Maybe it was time for a grander gesture. He knelt down slowly, his knees aching as he rested his forehead against Jim's hip. He kissed the smooth muscle of skin next to his hands and looked up at Jim. "I want there to be no doubt in your mind who your husband is, Jim, or who my husband is. It's you, always been you, always gonna be you. So..." he paused, taking another deep breath, feeling nervous for the first time now, "marry me."
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Jim repeated that a few more times in his mind before he understood the concept of it.
Bones was asking him to marry him.Marry me ( ... )
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He looked up at Jim, and started to smile.
"Really?"
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