[Captain's Personal Log] -- [Password, Encoded]
Trying to be captain of a ship, almost 1200 people. Trying to be captain of a ship, almost 1200 people, when people are coming and vanishing seemingly at random. Starfleet's on my ass constantly, sending new people to study us like bugs under the microscope. I know that they need to document this, but... I just worry for the privacy and comfort of the people who already have to deal with being displaced - away from their family, friends, crew, loved one. I don't want them to have to suffer because they're a scientific curiosity, specially those that aren't even part of Starfleet of their universe like the actors. Between Ephram, this new guy Roger Korby, and Dr. Noel... what else is Starfleet going to be sending our way?
Bones and I... I wish I knew what exactly to say about that, anymore. We fought. That much is obvious. I still don't know how to feel about it, what to think about it. I fucking punched Sam. Part of me still says he deserved it. The other part of me is asking me why I felt the need to punch my brother in the face. Twice. Hope it bruises nice. What the hell is wrong with me? I don't know if its wrong to keep Bones to his word that I'm enough and that his heart's mine sounds fucking cliche, great or that its wrong to want to hold him back from going and being with Sam when I wanna have sex with other people.
Great. Just... great. I don't know if I'm making things better or a hell of a lot worse. Does Bones know how I really feel about him? Is he just jealous... fuck. I don't know anymore. I offered to stop, but he didn't want me to. Or doesn't for another reason... hypocritical, and I don't understand it.
Then Sam's asking all those questions... is it really that hard to understand? If I'm there with Bones... its something we share. Not just.. something he's doing or I'm doing. I know he cares about Spock... Spock's gotta care about him if he's letting Bones touch him like that... why is it so different? Why? Maybe if I could figure that out, I'd know what to do about Sam and Bones.
Already preparing myself for another fight when Bones finds out. There's no if, there. Feels like another step before... something invetable happens. But then... at night... everything feels right again. Like we know how to talk, understand each other again. Don't even need to say much... just... be. Can two people be together like this? Don't know, but I'll keep fighting for it. I'm gonna figure it out, how to make him happy... and how to make myself happy for it. There's gotta be a place where we can both be content about everything's between us, even if it isn't right. There's gotta be. We find it at least for a little while.
The tattoos. Bones wants me to get rid of them, and I want them gone. Except... for some. He isn't happy about it, I can tell, and I'm not sure if Spock is either. So, starting sometime this week, we're gonna work on them to get them off. Not stupid, told Bones I was doing this with him alone in a private room or I'd leave them the hell on. I don't know what's gonna happen, but I'm not taking the chance.
Something's coming. I can just feel it. I've gotta be ready to make a stand and make it work when it does. I am going to do right by this crew no matter what it takes, as their captain. Justice for those who deserve it, punishment for those that need it, and... the rest...
One step at a time.
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
Bones and I... I wish I knew what exactly to say about that, anymore. We fought. That much is obvious. I still don't know how to feel about it, what to think about it. I fucking punched Sam. Part of me still says he deserved it. The other part of me is asking me why I felt the need to punch my brother in the face. Twice. Hope it bruises nice. What the hell is wrong with me? I don't know if its wrong to keep Bones to his word that I'm enough and that his heart's mine sounds fucking cliche, great or that its wrong to want to hold him back from going and being with Sam when I wanna have sex with other people.
Great. Just... great. I don't know if I'm making things better or a hell of a lot worse. Does Bones know how I really feel about him? Is he just jealous... fuck. I don't know anymore. I offered to stop, but he didn't want me to. Or doesn't for another reason... hypocritical, and I don't understand it.
Then Sam's asking all those questions... is it really that hard to understand? If I'm there with Bones... its something we share. Not just.. something he's doing or I'm doing. I know he cares about Spock... Spock's gotta care about him if he's letting Bones touch him like that... why is it so different? Why? Maybe if I could figure that out, I'd know what to do about Sam and Bones.
Already preparing myself for another fight when Bones finds out. There's no if, there. Feels like another step before... something invetable happens. But then... at night... everything feels right again. Like we know how to talk, understand each other again. Don't even need to say much... just... be. Can two people be together like this? Don't know, but I'll keep fighting for it. I'm gonna figure it out, how to make him happy... and how to make myself happy for it. There's gotta be a place where we can both be content about everything's between us, even if it isn't right. There's gotta be. We find it at least for a little while.
The tattoos. Bones wants me to get rid of them, and I want them gone. Except... for some. He isn't happy about it, I can tell, and I'm not sure if Spock is either. So, starting sometime this week, we're gonna work on them to get them off. Not stupid, told Bones I was doing this with him alone in a private room or I'd leave them the hell on. I don't know what's gonna happen, but I'm not taking the chance.
Something's coming. I can just feel it. I've gotta be ready to make a stand and make it work when it does. I am going to do right by this crew no matter what it takes, as their captain. Justice for those who deserve it, punishment for those that need it, and... the rest...
One step at a time.
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.