From the day Joe wanted to bash my face in during Chorale
The following is an email Joe send to me...about some things that I have done, caused, and the like. The second part is my response to him. This is quite long. However, if at anytime you've ever wondered what I was really thinking, or how I really felt about things, this would be a good read...but give yourself plenty of time. Feel free to comment
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I know you've never called anybody stupid, but I know some guys and girls who have felt that way because of things you said. I know you never have bad intentions, especially when it comes to constructive criticism, but I don't know, somehow you say it with a harsh tone that doesn't go over well. It might even be for that reason that I don't criticize the tenors that much because I don't want a mutiny to occur in the section.
You say, "But, if someone has issues with me and won't do anything about it...I feel no pity towards this person/these people. If they aren't mature enough to approach me like a human being...if they'd rather just go on blaming me for all of the problems in their life...then to fucking hell with them."
That's what I'm simply trying to point out. Of course people aren't going to approach you if they feel hostility towards them. They think, "if that's the attitude he has towards someone who doesn't rock the boat and approach him with problems, how is he going to react when someone does?" It's not that you're violent, I've never seen you be violent, but it's the attitude that people find threatening. It's the not caring about anyone.
"Quite frankly, it doesn't bother me one bit that people will be feeling "good riddance" when i do finally leave...because...as of this moment...if I left today...there are only two people here that I would miss...and I'm dating one of them."
Although you never tell people that directly to their faces, people still sense that which is why some people think of you as being hostile or threatening.
I didn't mean to diagnose you with depression, many people go through spurts of having those feelings, some people can't get out of it and are thusly diagnosed by a medical professional with depression. Despite the upbeat attitude I've always had (and it actually was quite obnoxious at some points in high school) I was diagnosed the summer before my senior year with depression, so I know how it feels. I pulled away from people, didn't trust people, didn't want to talk with people. I was a harsh critic of others, even harsher on myself. I saw some of that in you and overstepped my bounds.
As for making comments, that's just what I do. I'm never over the top having all out conversations in loud, nondiscreet tones like Leigh, or in an attempt to attract attention it's just in my nature. I sat there the entire first half hour without uttering a word, not that it was hard, I just knew it was time to be serious. So I was going to make a one line comment just to you, but I always enjoy joking around with you and did not foresee the result. I'm not known for dicking around all the time. I do my fairshare, but I know when it's time to work. It's just my personal philosophy that life is too short to take too seriously. As Palmer says, "Attitude is a choice you make everyday" and I refuse to let my daily attitude be absolutely serious. It doesn't make me happy, it doesn't make others happy. I love making others happy whether that's by joking around, giving them food when they wander into my room, hugging them and comforting them even if I don't know what's wrong. It's just what I do, it's what I'm happiest doing.
"To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child,
a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Paragraph 2 - Thats why I try to withhold my opinion at all costs anymore. If someone asks me for it, I am going to be bluntly honest. If they can't handle that, its their problem and they should not have asked my opinion. On the rare occasion that I do just offer unrequested advice, it is something minor that will put a strong performance over the top. If something sucks, I'm going to keep myself queit, but if something is good and only needs some polishing work, that is where I will interject.
Paragraphs 3&4 - Yes. I can see that. but there are two types of people, those who will do something to address their unhappiness and those who won't. I have a great respect for those who will do more than just bitch about their situation...for those who will do something to change it. If that happens to involve me, then can approach me. I won't be scary, I won't yell, I won't threaten them, I won't carry a grudge, I will listen intently and try to remedy the situation. However, if someone is upset, and, instead of coming to me about it, would rather bring someone else into the situation, for example...if person X would rather cry to you about me, then, in turn, it precipitates you to say something to me, that is drama. That is jr. high. That is the stereotypical attitude from the 8th grade that "if i'm mad at you, then my friends need to be mad at you too." That's drama. I'm not going to be involved in that. If person X has an issue, but won't bring it to my attention, I'm not going to waste my time worrying about something that person X isn't willing spend some time on.
Paragraphs 5&6 - Hey, why should I miss them if they won't miss me. I'm not a social person. I never have been. I'm not going to become a socail butterfly just to make people feel better about themselves. If I am a source of someone's frustration, then they know what they need to do about that. If I am an excuse to hide the truth about someone's true frustration, if they are hiding behind the "if only Kirk were nicer..." shield, then smoothing over an imaginary situation with me will only cause them to start blaming someone else. People are always going to blame someone other than themselves because it is so much easier than looking in the mirror.
Paragraph 7 - I wasn't disagreeing with you. I know I show signs of depression. I know that for as hard as other people think I am on them, I am 10 times harder on myself. Everyone has rough times, I've had more than my fair share in the last 1.5 years...but I am not depressed. I am not suicidal. I do not have trouble getting out of bed in the morning. I don't have an eating disorder. The difference, I feel, between myself and someone who is suffering from depression is that they hate the way their life is, while I am content with the way mine is. That is the overriding factor. I don't hate my life. Sure, there are things that i wish were different, but I'm not going to bitch about them. I just deal. That's who I am.
Paragraph 8 - Just a little more discretion next time, please. Look at it this way. How do you thing your "porn star" comment would have been recieved by Palmer had you just blurted it out in class at that moment? Do you think he would have laughed?
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