Ramblings of a Crazy Person
So, i'm getting nervous, excited, sad, and anxious about this weekend... Strange combination of emotions in my opinion. I'm definitely going, but wondering, after experiencing so many of these, is this really going to be a "healing experience" for me, or am I just going to cry a lot, and get to spend time with friends? Lately I've found myself rambling to people I don't even know very well about things in my life that they don't need to know... I hear myself talking, and I hear how ridiculous I sound. In my head I'm trying to stop talking, but I can't. I just keep going, even though I know the other person is becoming increasingly uncomfortable. Doesn't matter... I just keep going. Dumb songs make me cry. My Heart Will Go On... Everything I Do, I Do It for You... CHEESY songs make me all emotional... Yet, I can talk about my friends' and family's deaths without shedding a tear. I keep hearing things like, "God must have something incredible planned for you to be going thru all this." And "There has to be a reason for all of this. It's okay that we don't know right now." As much as I want there to be a reason, and some divine plan for me... It's all a bit much to swallow... It's like I'm numbing myself so I can prepare for the next one. People keep joking about being afraid to be my friend, because they're all "dropping like flies," as one person put it. Sometimes I wonder if specific people are actually joking. I've experienced some people backing away a little. Or maybe I'm backing away from them. I don't know. It's kinda scary to lose someone else close to me. In a dumb way, it seems like if I stop being so close to people, I won't be sad when they die. Clearly, it's me, so I know that's not possible. I love deeply, and care deeply. I can't just turn that off. I just want to find some way so I'm not so sad and numb all the time... I'm sure at some point I'll be happy again. I won't say normal again, because I doubt that anyone could be normal after all of this, but happy seems to fit. This person I'm being right now just doesn't feel real. Well, I'm done with the ramblings of a crazy person, now.