ALL MCU films! Ranked! By me!
To prepare myself for the upcoming Age of Ultron - and the inevitable disaster that's going to be Ant-Man - and also, in what I already know is going to be an unsuccessful bid to reactivate my journal, I have decided to rank the MCU films in the order of... I don't even know-- quality? Enjoyment? Stuff? Let's go with stuff.
Before I begin, I must say that of all 10 MCU films there's only one I'd call bad and that film is - as you can imagine - occupying the last position in this ranking. The remaining 9 I like to varying degrees but none of them made me angry, resentful or annoyed, I like them all, I even love some, just not equally.
I should also point out that places 9-7 have been a pain in the ass to rank, all those films are fun, enjoyable and, to be honest, if you tell me that you think #7 should be #9 and vice versa, I'd probably agree. If I could get away with it, I'd give them all the joint 7th place but I like a challenge [now that is a lie!] so I forced myself to rank them using such intricate categories as "how much the villain sucked", "how many times the protagonist is shirtless" and "because I said so" as a guideline.
10. Iron Man 2
Grooooooooooan.
Yup, Iron Man 2 is not only the worst film of the MCU, it's also the only film I consider bad in the most straightforward way, the only film that makes me want to punch things, the only film I genuinely think deserves all the vitriol and hate of the fanbase. Sam Rockwell - my sun, my moon, my Black Glory of the Creation - is wasted, underused, made to play a one-dimensional buffoon, while this is the man that competed with Heath Ledger to be the Joker in TDK. He still rocks while doing it, of course, but he's the villain who's also the comic relief and main business antagonist of Tony? Whaaaa?
GROOOOOOOOAAAAAANNNN
The edits are ridiculous, the script feels - and is - improvised, the obstacles are introduced, wasted, then disposed of (what exactly was the point of Tony's imminent death subplot?), Rourke's character defining scenes ended up on the cutting room floor - much to his continuous annoyance - and too much emphasis is put on Tony and Pepper whacky ad-libbed shenanigans.
No. Nein. Niet. 0/10. I don't think you've tried. Would not recommend.
9. Thor
Listen, I love Thor, I've seen in multiple times, it's amazing, it's fun, it's based on one of my most favourite tropes ever ("fish out of water"), the casting is mostly flawless (though when they get it wrong, Jesus, they get it WRONG) and I will not let anyone say one bad word against it!
Now on to all the things I hate about it and why it's the least equal of the Equal.
A) Natalie Portman. Are we really still going to pretend that she's got any chemistry with Chris Hemsworth? Fasten your seatbelts and and hold on to your hats, I about to throw a truth bomb on you - she has none. Their romantic subplot feels as forced as it is unappealing and while there is a significant pay off in the next Thor film, as a standalone, it's just a disaster.
B) Cat Dennings. No. No. Just, Jesus, no. Oh my god. Sweet Andraste! No!
C) Loki is right? Like, Thor is all of the things that are being said about him? Nudge him gently and he's willing to start a war because of a bruised ego. While, of course, such portrayal is accurate to his character in the myths, because of that, I legitimately rooted for Loki until his Designated Villain 'trashing of the town, murdering civilians' moment.
But the rest is excellent, Hiddlestone is UUUUUUNNNNNNFFFFF, Hemsworth is NNNNNNNGHGGGGGGGHHHHHHH and it's funny without being farcical.
This is also important
8. Thor 2: The Dark World
While, to be perfectly honest, this film is weaker than it's predecessor, I have to give them points for making me root for Natalie Portman, making her legitimately important to the plot (though the way she becomes important is just soooooo contrived, they really had no idea how to do it) and writing Cat Dennings in a way that doesn't make me want to break chairs. She's still annoying but it's a very minor annoyance compared to the Apocalyptic scale of absolute Murder I wished on her in the previous film. Some of her jokes are actually funny!
On the minus side though, the aforementioned super-contrived plot and the weakest villain to date.
The final battle between Thor and Malekhit is extremely paint-by-the-numbers but the entire sequence that proceeds it - the London zap-fight - is one of my favourite fights ever; clever, funny, inventive, original. I'm also a sucker for the Nordic sci-fi design of Asgard.
7. Captain America
This one is hard to judge. On one hand, an absolutely perfect first half, the best hero origin to date. You fall in love with Steve first, you understand who he is, what are his motivations, you like this tiny, scrawny guy, you root for him, you see Captain America in him before he gets muscles.
But then he becomes Captain America and the entire thing takes a massive nose-dive. Pretty much everything after he decides to rescue Bucky is below average and, frankly, I turned the film off twice at this exact moment. Literally nothing of any value happens after he jumps off that plane and entire essays had bee written about the contrivancy of his "final sacrifice".
I will also start a wank but I don't really care for Sebastian Stan or his Bucky. Peggy tho, Peggy is FLAWLESS.
6. The Incredible Hulk
Possibly the least loved and appreciated, and definitely the least financially and critically successful entry on this list (not for much longer though, Ant-Man is coming *rimshot*). It's also one of my absolute favourites and, for a long time, my most favourite MCU film. I've definitely seen it more times than all of the other films COMBINED. Yup. Yup. You've got that in writing, use it to destroy me or as the ultimate proof I'm better than you - your choice.
Ed Northon is perfect, he play this role with zealously and dedication that's normally reserved for high art dramas but sadly, it was also his undoing, since Marvel execs got so tired of his meddling, rewrites and perfectionism, they fired him and got Ruffalo instead. Above all, however, he brings out vulnerability in that character that makes me want to wrap him in blanket and make sure nothing will ever harm him again. I CAN FIX HIM!!!!! I CAN MAKE HIM BETTER!!!! *coughs* listen, he's A Project. I love Projects.
But my number one reason for loving this, the reason why I'm willing to forgive the weird editing, Liv Taylor's awful, breathy delivery and a painfully obvious sequel hook, is Emil Effing Blonsky. Tim Roth is pitch perfect, he's absolutely, completely, utterly made for that character, he's my favourite villain - possibly even a character - of the MCU so far. I wish he'd appear again, be it a film or any of the shows *coughsAgentsofSHIELDcoughs* He terrifies me more than Thanos, more than Loki, more than Red Skull, because he's so ridiculously human. He doesn't want to rule the world, destroy the galaxy or start a war, no, his only goal is to kick Hulk's ass because he's in the middle of an obvious and painful mid-life crisis and I guess he can't afford a Porsche.
5. Iron Man
Confession - while it is higher on the list than Hulk because it's simply a better film, I still like The Incredible Hulk better. Even I have to recognise it's superiority though. First of all, damn, Robert Downey jr is inspired casting, I cannot possibly imagine a better Tony Stark and seeing that my absolute favourite Sam Rockwell was one of the main candidates for the role, it tells you everything you need to know. I must admit that back then I appreciated the fact they didn't get Pepper and Tony together-- well, not back then.
This film is hard to criticise, I'd say that as far as superhero films go, it’s almost perfect.
By the way, if you had not been spoiled beforehand, do you remember that moment at the very end, when Nick Fury showed up? Yeaaaaaah!!!!
4. Iron Man 3
Ooooooh!!!! Controversial! You know, I just don't get the hate this film gets. Normally, if someone likes or dislikes something I have opposite feelings about, I can usually understand their reasoning. Ok, don't get me wrong, I mostly vehemently disagree with their opinion but I'm capable of understanding it. IM3 though? I just DON'T GET IT. Pepper saves the day? SCREW YOU!!! RESCUES OT THE... Erm... RESCUE! Too much Tony?! OH MY GOD GUYS TONY IS IRON MAN THATS THE ENTIRE POINT OF HIS CHARACTER HE IS TONY FIRST AND FOREMOST WITH OR WITHOUT THE SUIT!! Mandarin twist? SHIT! BEST TWIST EVER!!! TEAM TREVOR!!!!!!!!! That random kid?! .........continue walking along folks, nothing to see here *nervous cough*
(Plus, if you really hated it, the one-shot on the DVD shows that the "real" Mandarin exists and is really really really angry [it also shows that Sam Rockwell's character from IM2 is bisexual in the most groan-worthy, insulting way possible BUT AT LEAST IT IS CANON]).
This film has an overreaching arc, shows the consequences of superheroing other than "dead girlfriend" and "I am darkness, I must be alone". Tony's anxiety attacks were hitting close to home. Definitely the most human of all the films.
3. Guardians of the Galaxy
Gosh, this film was SO MUCH FUN. I mean, damn, it's a blast, start to finish. I think we all knew what a treat it's going to be the moments we saw Chris Pratt dancing under the title card. The music by the way, deserves its own, separate entry, because it’s the glue that holds everything together, it’s hard to imagine the StarLord’s Walkman was a last minute addition.
I cried, I laughed, I formed a strong emotional attachment to a talking raccoon and a homicidal tree, and, because it bears repeating, I had FUN. I was also happy to see a space being bright and full of colour.
The villain could have been stronger and I still think that the first act - especially Gamora's heel-face turn - is a bit of a mess but it doesn't really stop me from enjoying it. GotG also happens to contain my favourite scene of the entire Cinematic Universe - the dance off, bro!
2. The Avengers
These "reviews" get shorter and shorter because I think, at this point, everyone has seen those films - especially The Avengers - and formed their own opinion. This film is an almost flawless summer superhero flick: funny, heartfelt, with the fast-flying banter and, of course, a good villain. (It was so good to see Loki back!)
But let's face it, what makes this film, what really makes it memorable, is seeing all those heroes on screen together. It was only missing Spidey to make it THE superhero film, to which all others are compared to. But that hardly matters since it already is that film.
And there was much rejoicing
1. Captain America 2: The Winter Soldier
That should not surprise anyone. The Winter Soldier was a thrilling ride start to finish, and it’s my absolute favourite thing that came out of the MCU. There was no way any other film would be #1, because this film exists
What really makes this film work are the relationships - between Cap and Widow, Cap and Falcon, Cap and Fury - and how different they are from each other. NGL, the fact that Falcon is in is what really cemented my love for this film. He’s my favourite hero of the MCU and god, I’m hoping to see him in AoU and EVERY OTHER FILM AFTER THAT (And AoS and Carter and Defenders)
I think what really sets this film aside of the other entries on this list are the action scenes - minimum CGI, a lot of stunts, lots of fighting using the shield and not a lot of superpowers - and I hope that someone will take notice and that this will be the new normal. (it won’t :/)
As a side note, I’m seeing Age of Ultron this Thursday, 11am, which yes, it does, in fact, makes me a better person than you :D
Before I begin, I must say that of all 10 MCU films there's only one I'd call bad and that film is - as you can imagine - occupying the last position in this ranking. The remaining 9 I like to varying degrees but none of them made me angry, resentful or annoyed, I like them all, I even love some, just not equally.
I should also point out that places 9-7 have been a pain in the ass to rank, all those films are fun, enjoyable and, to be honest, if you tell me that you think #7 should be #9 and vice versa, I'd probably agree. If I could get away with it, I'd give them all the joint 7th place but I like a challenge [now that is a lie!] so I forced myself to rank them using such intricate categories as "how much the villain sucked", "how many times the protagonist is shirtless" and "because I said so" as a guideline.
10. Iron Man 2
Grooooooooooan.
Yup, Iron Man 2 is not only the worst film of the MCU, it's also the only film I consider bad in the most straightforward way, the only film that makes me want to punch things, the only film I genuinely think deserves all the vitriol and hate of the fanbase. Sam Rockwell - my sun, my moon, my Black Glory of the Creation - is wasted, underused, made to play a one-dimensional buffoon, while this is the man that competed with Heath Ledger to be the Joker in TDK. He still rocks while doing it, of course, but he's the villain who's also the comic relief and main business antagonist of Tony? Whaaaa?
GROOOOOOOOAAAAAANNNN
The edits are ridiculous, the script feels - and is - improvised, the obstacles are introduced, wasted, then disposed of (what exactly was the point of Tony's imminent death subplot?), Rourke's character defining scenes ended up on the cutting room floor - much to his continuous annoyance - and too much emphasis is put on Tony and Pepper whacky ad-libbed shenanigans.
No. Nein. Niet. 0/10. I don't think you've tried. Would not recommend.
9. Thor
Listen, I love Thor, I've seen in multiple times, it's amazing, it's fun, it's based on one of my most favourite tropes ever ("fish out of water"), the casting is mostly flawless (though when they get it wrong, Jesus, they get it WRONG) and I will not let anyone say one bad word against it!
Now on to all the things I hate about it and why it's the least equal of the Equal.
A) Natalie Portman. Are we really still going to pretend that she's got any chemistry with Chris Hemsworth? Fasten your seatbelts and and hold on to your hats, I about to throw a truth bomb on you - she has none. Their romantic subplot feels as forced as it is unappealing and while there is a significant pay off in the next Thor film, as a standalone, it's just a disaster.
B) Cat Dennings. No. No. Just, Jesus, no. Oh my god. Sweet Andraste! No!
C) Loki is right? Like, Thor is all of the things that are being said about him? Nudge him gently and he's willing to start a war because of a bruised ego. While, of course, such portrayal is accurate to his character in the myths, because of that, I legitimately rooted for Loki until his Designated Villain 'trashing of the town, murdering civilians' moment.
But the rest is excellent, Hiddlestone is UUUUUUNNNNNNFFFFF, Hemsworth is NNNNNNNGHGGGGGGGHHHHHHH and it's funny without being farcical.
This is also important
8. Thor 2: The Dark World
While, to be perfectly honest, this film is weaker than it's predecessor, I have to give them points for making me root for Natalie Portman, making her legitimately important to the plot (though the way she becomes important is just soooooo contrived, they really had no idea how to do it) and writing Cat Dennings in a way that doesn't make me want to break chairs. She's still annoying but it's a very minor annoyance compared to the Apocalyptic scale of absolute Murder I wished on her in the previous film. Some of her jokes are actually funny!
On the minus side though, the aforementioned super-contrived plot and the weakest villain to date.
The final battle between Thor and Malekhit is extremely paint-by-the-numbers but the entire sequence that proceeds it - the London zap-fight - is one of my favourite fights ever; clever, funny, inventive, original. I'm also a sucker for the Nordic sci-fi design of Asgard.
7. Captain America
This one is hard to judge. On one hand, an absolutely perfect first half, the best hero origin to date. You fall in love with Steve first, you understand who he is, what are his motivations, you like this tiny, scrawny guy, you root for him, you see Captain America in him before he gets muscles.
But then he becomes Captain America and the entire thing takes a massive nose-dive. Pretty much everything after he decides to rescue Bucky is below average and, frankly, I turned the film off twice at this exact moment. Literally nothing of any value happens after he jumps off that plane and entire essays had bee written about the contrivancy of his "final sacrifice".
I will also start a wank but I don't really care for Sebastian Stan or his Bucky. Peggy tho, Peggy is FLAWLESS.
6. The Incredible Hulk
Possibly the least loved and appreciated, and definitely the least financially and critically successful entry on this list (not for much longer though, Ant-Man is coming *rimshot*). It's also one of my absolute favourites and, for a long time, my most favourite MCU film. I've definitely seen it more times than all of the other films COMBINED. Yup. Yup. You've got that in writing, use it to destroy me or as the ultimate proof I'm better than you - your choice.
Ed Northon is perfect, he play this role with zealously and dedication that's normally reserved for high art dramas but sadly, it was also his undoing, since Marvel execs got so tired of his meddling, rewrites and perfectionism, they fired him and got Ruffalo instead. Above all, however, he brings out vulnerability in that character that makes me want to wrap him in blanket and make sure nothing will ever harm him again. I CAN FIX HIM!!!!! I CAN MAKE HIM BETTER!!!! *coughs* listen, he's A Project. I love Projects.
But my number one reason for loving this, the reason why I'm willing to forgive the weird editing, Liv Taylor's awful, breathy delivery and a painfully obvious sequel hook, is Emil Effing Blonsky. Tim Roth is pitch perfect, he's absolutely, completely, utterly made for that character, he's my favourite villain - possibly even a character - of the MCU so far. I wish he'd appear again, be it a film or any of the shows *coughsAgentsofSHIELDcoughs* He terrifies me more than Thanos, more than Loki, more than Red Skull, because he's so ridiculously human. He doesn't want to rule the world, destroy the galaxy or start a war, no, his only goal is to kick Hulk's ass because he's in the middle of an obvious and painful mid-life crisis and I guess he can't afford a Porsche.
5. Iron Man
Confession - while it is higher on the list than Hulk because it's simply a better film, I still like The Incredible Hulk better. Even I have to recognise it's superiority though. First of all, damn, Robert Downey jr is inspired casting, I cannot possibly imagine a better Tony Stark and seeing that my absolute favourite Sam Rockwell was one of the main candidates for the role, it tells you everything you need to know. I must admit that back then I appreciated the fact they didn't get Pepper and Tony together-- well, not back then.
This film is hard to criticise, I'd say that as far as superhero films go, it’s almost perfect.
By the way, if you had not been spoiled beforehand, do you remember that moment at the very end, when Nick Fury showed up? Yeaaaaaah!!!!
4. Iron Man 3
Ooooooh!!!! Controversial! You know, I just don't get the hate this film gets. Normally, if someone likes or dislikes something I have opposite feelings about, I can usually understand their reasoning. Ok, don't get me wrong, I mostly vehemently disagree with their opinion but I'm capable of understanding it. IM3 though? I just DON'T GET IT. Pepper saves the day? SCREW YOU!!! RESCUES OT THE... Erm... RESCUE! Too much Tony?! OH MY GOD GUYS TONY IS IRON MAN THATS THE ENTIRE POINT OF HIS CHARACTER HE IS TONY FIRST AND FOREMOST WITH OR WITHOUT THE SUIT!! Mandarin twist? SHIT! BEST TWIST EVER!!! TEAM TREVOR!!!!!!!!! That random kid?! .........continue walking along folks, nothing to see here *nervous cough*
(Plus, if you really hated it, the one-shot on the DVD shows that the "real" Mandarin exists and is really really really angry [it also shows that Sam Rockwell's character from IM2 is bisexual in the most groan-worthy, insulting way possible BUT AT LEAST IT IS CANON]).
This film has an overreaching arc, shows the consequences of superheroing other than "dead girlfriend" and "I am darkness, I must be alone". Tony's anxiety attacks were hitting close to home. Definitely the most human of all the films.
3. Guardians of the Galaxy
Gosh, this film was SO MUCH FUN. I mean, damn, it's a blast, start to finish. I think we all knew what a treat it's going to be the moments we saw Chris Pratt dancing under the title card. The music by the way, deserves its own, separate entry, because it’s the glue that holds everything together, it’s hard to imagine the StarLord’s Walkman was a last minute addition.
I cried, I laughed, I formed a strong emotional attachment to a talking raccoon and a homicidal tree, and, because it bears repeating, I had FUN. I was also happy to see a space being bright and full of colour.
The villain could have been stronger and I still think that the first act - especially Gamora's heel-face turn - is a bit of a mess but it doesn't really stop me from enjoying it. GotG also happens to contain my favourite scene of the entire Cinematic Universe - the dance off, bro!
2. The Avengers
These "reviews" get shorter and shorter because I think, at this point, everyone has seen those films - especially The Avengers - and formed their own opinion. This film is an almost flawless summer superhero flick: funny, heartfelt, with the fast-flying banter and, of course, a good villain. (It was so good to see Loki back!)
But let's face it, what makes this film, what really makes it memorable, is seeing all those heroes on screen together. It was only missing Spidey to make it THE superhero film, to which all others are compared to. But that hardly matters since it already is that film.
And there was much rejoicing
1. Captain America 2: The Winter Soldier
That should not surprise anyone. The Winter Soldier was a thrilling ride start to finish, and it’s my absolute favourite thing that came out of the MCU. There was no way any other film would be #1, because this film exists
What really makes this film work are the relationships - between Cap and Widow, Cap and Falcon, Cap and Fury - and how different they are from each other. NGL, the fact that Falcon is in is what really cemented my love for this film. He’s my favourite hero of the MCU and god, I’m hoping to see him in AoU and EVERY OTHER FILM AFTER THAT (And AoS and Carter and Defenders)
I think what really sets this film aside of the other entries on this list are the action scenes - minimum CGI, a lot of stunts, lots of fighting using the shield and not a lot of superpowers - and I hope that someone will take notice and that this will be the new normal. (it won’t :/)
As a side note, I’m seeing Age of Ultron this Thursday, 11am, which yes, it does, in fact, makes me a better person than you :D