Feathers are Meant for the Sky
Pairing: Kirk/Bones
Warning: Canonical Character Death, Resurrection, Fluff, Angst, Star Trek: Into Darkness Spoilers
Word Count: 5,877
Summary: "The thing is, being on a ship that has a warp core with a band-aid over it, floating on the outskirts of Earth when you’re in the midst of a deadly fight with the head of Starfleet, is something that should be concerning McCoy more than it is, what with having a completely rational fear of dying in space and all.
The fact that their predicament is something that is quite low on Leonard’s Freaking-The-Fuck-Out-About list says it all, really."
Or Star Trek: Into Darkness, from Leonard McCoy's point of view
The thing is, being on a ship that has a warp core with a band-aid over it, floating on the outskirts of Earth when you’re in the midst of a deadly fight with the head of Starfleet, is something that should be concerning McCoy more than it is, what with having a completely rational fear of dying in space and all.
The fact that their predicament is something that is quite low on Leonard’s Freaking-The-Fuck-Out-About list says it all, really.
“Don’t you fucking dare walk out of this medbay.” His voice is quiet, dangerous, and he can feel the anger thrumming against his skin, ready to burst free. Jim stops at the door, his hand on the frame, his knuckles white from his tight grip, but he doesn’t turn around. The guards escorting Kahn out of the quarters turn to raise an eyebrow, but they must see something in Jim, because they leave without a word. Bones turns away from the Tribble on his table, standing up with his fists balled against the desk. He’s bowed over with anger, his bones and muscles screaming at him because he hasn’t slept since before the attack on Command, none of them have, and it’s catching up to him quicker than the rest.
“Bones.”
“Dammit Jim, look at me!” He punches the desk, and it shakes in protest. For a moment there is nothing, no sound other than the whine of the engines struggling to keep going from the last onslaught from the USS Vengeance, the beeping of the biobeds, and Bones’ heavy breathing. Then Jim turns around, and Bones can see the fire in his eyes, the determination in his jaw, his balled fists, and Bones knows that he’s already lost this fight.
Doesn’t mean he’s going to skip it though.
“If you’re about to say what I think you’re about to say, you can save it. Spock’s already given me the same lecture.” Jim sounds tired, and Bones knows Jim better than he knows himself, and he can see Jim doesn’t want this fight.
Tough.
“Maybe you should fucking listen to him then.” He cards his hands through his hair, because he needs something to do with them other than wringing Jim’s neck. “You’re gonna get yourself killed, don’t you understand that?”
“What do you want me to do, Bones?” Jim looks wrecked, wild, and absolutely terrified. “You heard Marcus, he’s going to kill everyone on board this ship, and this is the only thing I can think of to even stall enough to get this crew away.” He stalks forward, his palms out flat, begging. “This is my fault, Bones; I’m the reason everyone on this ship is going to die, including you, because I was too damn stupid to follow orders.”
“Since when have you followed orders, Jim?” Bones can see how much this is hurting Jim, but he doesn’t care, can’t care, not when it means that Jim won’t be safe, won’t be here, where Bones can keep a damn eye on him. “You did what you thought was right, and it was right.” He steps closer to Jim now, running his hands up Jim’s arms, leaving goosebumps on Jim’s flesh. “Marcus is fucking insane, Jim, this is all on him. We’ll find another way out of this mess, we always do. You always do.”
Jim pulls away from him then, his eyes flashing, the lightning behind his iris’ blinding to Bones.
“Don’t you see, Bones? This is the only way! We have no power to fight, no power to defend, and no power to flee. I have to do this, if it even gives Spock that extra five minutes to figure something else out.” He’s furious and terrified, his guard completely down for the first time since Pike’s death, showing Bones everything he’s been bottling up for days now, and it cuts Bones like glass, tiny shards attacking his heart. Bones deflates, the anger dissipating, and he rubs his hand over his face.
He’s so goddamn tired.
“You have to come back, kid.” He says it quietly, letting the pain and worry seep into those words, his head hanging. He sees Jim’s feet match up to his, and lets his eyes shut tightly as Jim’s hands come to rest on his waist, tugging him forward. Bones lets himself fall against Jim, boneless, needing the affection like he needs air to breathe. He feels Jim’s lips press against his neck, his hands sliding up his body, cupping his face, pulling back so he can kiss his lips once, twice, three times.
“I promise.” Jim’s words ease the knot in his chest ever-so-slightly, and he steals another kiss from Jim.
“I don’t want a promise, Jim. I want you to tell me you’ll get back here, by any means necessary.” Jim smiles then, and its small and broken and Bones knows that he is about to lie to him, he can tell, because they’ve been best friends for six years now, lovers for four and a half, and Bones has every single facial expression of Jim’s catalogued in his head, and he knows this smile is one to soften a blow, the one he uses on missions where children have lost parents and he has to tell them it’ll be okay when it won’t, everyone knows it won’t, but Jim says it anyway.
“What do I always say, Bones?” Jim is barely speaking now, but his voice is soothing. “I don’t believe in no-win situations. I’m going to win this one, Bones.” He says it with such conviction that Bones would believe him if he didn’t know better. Instead he pushes Jim away, shoving hard at his chest, fury blooming once more.
“Dammit, Jim, you think I can’t tell when you’re lying to me? You think I’m some dumbass blonde chick you picked up at a bar and tricked into bed?” His hands are shaking now, and he clenches them into fists again, his nails biting into his skin unforgivingly. “I can tell you know what’s going to happen, even if you do make it onto that damn tin can. You know Kahn will kill you, and you don’t give a rats ass. That’s beyond stupid, Jim, that’s fucking suicidal, and I can’t watch you do that.”
“Then don’t watch.” Jim’s voice is like ice as he turns around stiffly, the way only a cadet knows how to do. His back is to Bones now, and he wants to go to him, he does, because who knows if he’ll see Jim again, and he doesn’t want their last encounter to be this, but he’s stubborn, too fucking stubborn, they both are so he watches him leave before falling into a chair, gripping the sides so tight his knuckles go white.
**
He waits ten minutes until he feels the anger has simmered down enough that he can be around other people without wanting to strangle them, and then he heads to the bridge, because no matter what he said to Jim, not knowing what was happening to him would be worse than anything.
When he reaches the bridge, he can see the course Sulu has set out for Jim and Kahn, and his heart sinks a little bit. It looks impossible. Spock looks at him and nods, as if he approves of his chief medical officer being nowhere near his post, and that idea throws him for a loop for a moment. He kneels down by Spock’s side anyway, the next person besides himself who cares about Jim is Spock, and he can see beneath the perfectly stoic Vulcan’s expression the underlying fear, and that makes him feel better about himself.
Until he makes the mistake of asking Spock to tell him it’ll be okay. Then he’s just plain terrified.
When Spock gives the command to open the hangar door, bile rises in Bones’ throat, and he backs away, needing the solid presence of the wall. He closes his eyes to the show of debris on the screen, because he can hear what’s happening and that’s enough, he can’t watch, he won’t -
And then Jim says his visor is down, that he’s flying blind, and Bones flat out runs to the head, just making it in time to vomit the small contents in his stomach.
Damn he needs a drink.
When he returns, everyone is screaming at Scotty to open the hangar, and Jim and Kahn are almost there, and Bones is honest to god going to watch them crumble into the side of the ship, he’s going to watch the only person he’s ever really loved die before the rest of them die as well, and -
And the hangar door opens.
Everyone on the bridge sags in relief.
When Sulu says they can’t reach Kirk because the signal is jammed, Bones bites the skin around his thumb until he’s bleeding. Nyota slips her hand in his, squeezing it, because she knows how it feels to have someone you love out of reach on a dangerous mission, and he’s both grateful and terrified for the solidarity.
It’s weird, so fucking weird seeing the older Spock, but it is a welcome distraction for Bones. He is not comforted for long when he tells of the danger of Kahn. All he can think is how he let Jim walk away with this man, and it kills him inside.
Because yeah, Jim made it onto the ship, which was a stroke of luck, but that’s what Jim is - damn lucky. But Kahn is a cold-blooded killer, and it will take something more than luck to get Jim back onto the Enterprise alive.
Spock’s idea is ingenious, and Bones he’s impressed and a little bit terrified of Spock. He bitches that he’s a doctor, not a torpedo technician, and he’d already almost died opening one of those goddamn torpedoes, he wasn’t about to do it again, but when Spock tells him they’re just removing the cryo-tubes and rigging the torpedoes to explode, and Bones smiles, feels a little bubble of pride swell up and threaten to choke him, because that is all Kirks influence.
He leaves the bridge immediately and gets to work, roping in a few cadets and dragging Chekov from engineering to assist with the detonation. It takes a while, because there’s seventy two of the torpedoes and only eight of them, but it keeps Bones’ mind off Jim. By the time he’s got all of Kahn’s crew in the medbay, He hears Jim shouting for him, and he allows himself a split second of bone deep relief at the fact that he’s here he’s on the ship he’s okay thank you god before he’s running to him. He spares a glance for Carol, notes her shallow breathing and wrongly shaped leg, but it looks like a clean break and she’ll be okay, and then he looks at Kirk and can barely breathe. He pushes his concern for the man to one side and explains what Spock did, and then fusses over him, grabbing his head and then immediately letting go when Jim hisses.
“Jeez, Bones, a little less ham handed if you don’t mind!” He flinches away from Bones’ touch, but Bones just growls at him and grabs his shoulder instead, yanking him towards him.
“I need to check if you’ve got concussion, Jim,” He says, running his hands through Jim’s hair, carefully touching the scalp until he feels a large lump. Jim’s quiet, leaning into Bones’ touch, his breathing is shallow, and Bones suspects a broken or fractured rib, but he focuses on the lump for now. When he pulls his hand away, he lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding - there’s no blood. He breathes through his teeth, turning Jim’s head to inspect the marks on his face.
“Flesh wounds, your pretty face won’t scar.” He says with a grim smile that Jim matches.
“Aw, you think I’m pretty Bones?”
“I think you’re a damn idiot.” He retorts, carding his hand through Jims hair again, careful to not knock the bump. Jim closes his eyes, leaning his forehead on Bones’ shoulder, and Bones takes the opportunity to run his hands over the rest of his body, lightly checking for any more injuries. There are bumps and scratches and yes, one - no, two - fractured ribs, thank fuck they aren’t too bad and will heal easily by themselves, but nothing too bad, nothing to hospitalise Jim, and the knot around Bones’ heart disappears because Jim is here, in his arms, and he’s alright, he made it out, of course he did, how could Bones have thought anything different?
“I’m sorry, Jim.” It’s a hushed apology, said into Jim’s ear, and Jim just hugs him tighter. Bones screws his hands into Jim’s golden shirt, not wanting to ever let the man out of sight again.
That is, of course, because this is his fucking life, because he chose to be in love with the Captain of the ship with the worst fucking luck, when everything begins to shut down, the Enterprise finally crumbling under the shots from Kahn before the torpedoes exploded. Jim pulls out of Bones’ embrace as Bones’ heart rate sky rockets, his skin becoming clammy, and grabs his face.
“Bones, don’t freak out, okay. It’s going to be fine, I’m going to fix this, now. Focus and get all your patients stable, and then get yourself safe, do you hear me?” Bones takes a breath, then another, and then one more, before nodding. Jim leans forward, nips at Bones’ lips, teasing them open. The kiss is fast, desperate, and exactly what Bones needs. Jim breaks it, laughing quietly.
“Captain’s gotta go, old man.” He smiles, turns his head and presses a kiss to Bones’ pulse point on his hand. “I’ll be back when we’re stable.” He says, and this time Bones believes him.
And then he’s gone, sweeping out the medbay and towards wherever with Scotty in tow. Bones swallows once, takes a deep breath, and then shoves all thoughts of hurtling towards their deaths to lock in all his patients, making sure all the equipment was locked up and safe, before he strapped himself down, taking deep breaths and thinking of Jim’s mouth on his, the only thing stopping him from freaking out.
It feels like light years pass until suddenly, without warning, the lights come back on, the whir of engines fill the medbay, and Bones isn’t the only one who lets out a sigh of relief as the ship steadies herself. He waits for a moment, and then when he’s sure the ship isn’t about to fall out of space again, unbuckles himself. His legs are weak, but he makes his way over to the patients, checking on them, making sure their vitals are okay, discharging those who aren’t seriously injured, because they’re going to need all the biobeds they can get. He checks over Carol, prepping her for surgery, because the bone needs resetting which is a nasty business but it’s necessary. Carol smiles when he tells her, and Bones can’t help but think how strong she is after witnessing her fathers’ skull being crushed by a psychopath, having her leg snapped by said psychopath, and still being able to smile. He decides she can stick around when they’re out of this mess.
He tries to comm the bridge, but when nobody picks up, he shrugs it off. Everybody is probably too busy making sure everything is really working again, helping the injured and moving the dead. There is a steady stream of crew members coming through the doors now, and Bones sends some doctors to distinguish the mildly injured from the majorly, instructing them to send any messages from the bridge straight to the OR. M’Benga told him that the comms to medical were down from everywhere, the only comms that were working were engineering to bridge, and Bones laughed, because of course Scotty would make sure that even if the ship were on fire, he could still get rude messages to Jim on the bridge.
The surgery on Carol is quicker than expected, but then he has to perform two more on crew members in various states of hurt. He’s almost through with the second surgery - yeoman Rand had gotten caught between two shards of metal, slicing her thigh open almost to the bone - when the comm chimes.
“McCoy.” He says, focussing on stitching up the gash.
“Oh thank god, Leonard.” Nyota’s voice is shaky, breathless, like she’s been crying and Bones pauses because Nyota never loses control, only in Very Bad Circumstances.
“Nyota, what’s happened?” His voice is gruff; he knows that, because he can’t stop the panic that is blooming inside of him. He passes the needle to his co-worker, who takes up the job immediately.
“Oh god, Leonard, I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry,” She’s full-on sobbing now, and Bones’ panic evolves to terror, because there is only one reason she’d be apologising to him like this. He moves away from the medical table, gripping the wall tightly.
“Where is he, Nyota?” His lungs are caving in but he spits the words out anyway.
“Scotty tried to comm you but the lines were down, there was nothing anyone could do,” She’s begging him now, begging him to understand but he doesn’t want to, he can’t, and she hasn’t said what happened yet anyway, so his freak-out is premature, stupid - Jim will laugh and laugh when he finds out, he’ll tease him for being such a worrier, and then he’ll kiss him slowly, undoing him from the inside out, taking him apart and putting him back together because that’s what Jim does.
There’s a knock at the door, and Bones reaches out to open it.
His hands are shaking.
“Sir, you’re being asked for out here.” One of the cadets stands before him in red, his face drained of all colour.
He leaves the OR, his legs working on autopilot. Scotty is standing in front of him, his face covered in tear tracks, with a shiner blooming around his right eye. He shakes his head at Bones, bowing it in grief, and that’s when the body bag is brought in.
Bones wants to laugh, he does, because the bag looks small, too small to be Jim. But he’s still afraid to step forward and open the bag, because if it wasn’t Jim, why would everyone in the room be so still, so silent?
“The ship was dead, Len.” Scotty’s voice is soft, but he may as well be screaming. “The only way to get her back online was to get into the warp core itself and realign it.” He looks up at Bones then, his eyes full of regret and remorse, the two things that Bones does not want right now. “I tried to stop him, but he knocked me out. By the time I came to, the ship was stable and Jim was…” Bones registers a sob from somewhere, it could be him, but he’s not sure. “I tried to comm you but the lines were down, I could only get to Spock…”
Bones wipes at his face. Somewhere along the line, he’d started crying. He doesn’t know where he gets the strength from, but somehow he opens the bag.
And there he is.
Bones blinks once, twice, his brain is shutting down, because there is no way that Jim, his Jim, is dead. It doesn’t make sense to him that someone always so full of life, so bright and ballsy and brilliant could be lying still on the table in front of him.
He stumbles away, past Scotty, past Carol, who is standing and hobbling towards the table, her eyes fixed on Jim and shining with tears. He gets to his chair and falls down into it, and then, only then, does he put his head in his hands.
Jim Kirk is dead.
And then, from the corner of his eye, he sees the Tribble - the dead one, except it’s not dead anymore - move.
It takes a second, just a second, for Bones to register what that means. He decides that he can’t be blamed for his slowness, but there’s something blooming in his chest, something light, eradicating the darkness that engulfed him from the moment he heard Nyota’s sobs.
Jim Kirk is dead, but not for long, if Bones has any say in the matter.
**
Bones takes a grim satisfaction in removing Kahn’s blood. He’s tempted to drain his whole body, because it’s no less than the bastard deserves, but he doesn’t.
Spock lets out a small sound of displeasure, and despite everything, Bones grins.
The blood transfusion takes fourteen hours to perform, but Bones doesn’t even feel tired when it’s over. Considering he’s been awake for almost seventy hours, he should be more worried, but he can’t think about himself, not now, not when Jim needs him.
He falls asleep in the chair next to Jim’s bed, and when he wakes up, he has a crick in his neck and Spock is peering down at him.
“Doctor, let me take over for now. I’ll ensure he continues to be stable, but you need rest.” Bones grumbles, but he knows Jim won’t wake up for at least a week, maybe two, because his cells were so heavily radiated. He pats Spock on the shoulder as he leaves the private room, glancing once more at Jim before he leaves.
The cycle continues for exactly fourteen days. Bones spends four hours a day sleeping, eight hours on shift, and the rest of the time beside Jim, talking to him about everything, any scrap of news or gossip that comes through those doors.
Jim, of course, has visitors by the bucket load - there is practically a line out his door during visiting hours. Bones is always there at this time, because he doesn’t know these people like Jim does, and although he knows they’re loyal to Jim, he doesn’t trust them.
There are only a few people he feels comfortable enough leaving Jim with when he is on shift or sleeping, and those are the ones who take it in turns to look after him. Bones walks in after one shift to Chekov and Sulu playing poker, laughing loudly and drinking bourbon. Two glasses are empty, the other lies beside Jims bed.
Bones drinks it after they leave.
It’s a Saturday when Jim starts showing signs of activity, and Bones’ heart almost shatters in relief. He comms Spock immediately, who appears dressed in his smart uniform, looking pristine as usual.
“Is he…” Spock trails off, a glimmer of hope in his otherwise stoic expression, and Bones breaks out into his first real smile since this whole mess. He nods.
“Should be any minute now.” He says, and then they wait.
When Jim finally opens his eyes, Bones almost comes apart, but he knows that there will be time for a reunion later, so much time, and he scans Jim to see if there’s any lasting damage as Jim and Spock exchange words.
Bones can’t stop smiling.
Later, long after Spock and Nyota and Sulu and Scotty and Chekov and Carol have left, it’s just the two of them, and Bones can feel the tension ramp up a few more notches. He busies himself with Jim’s machines, checking his vitals for the twelfth time in an hour, over-looking things on his PADD, trying to ignore the glare of Jim’s eyes boring into his skull. The initial relief of thank fuck it worked he’s alive had worn off somewhere between Chekov bouncing like a puppy and Carol hitting Jim with her crutches (lightly, of course, because she didn’t want to hurt him any more than he already had been), and has evolved into anger at Jim for being so damn reckless with his life.
Yes, he had saved the ship and crew from certain death, but he had also killed himself in the process. Not almost, not nearly, he had died. Heart stop beating, blood stop pumping, the real deal. And yes, Bones has known about Jim’s suicidal tendencies, his hero complex, his notion of no-win fucking scenarios, for a long time now, has put up with them because it was one of the many, many reasons he had fallen in love like a teenager with him all those years ago. But Bones wonders if Jim thinks about him, even once, before he makes these life-endangering decisions. Clearly, the answer is no, and Bones is pissed.
Jim catches Bones’ wrist as he walks past the bed, but Bones wrenches his arm away.
“Just don’t Jim.” He hisses quietly, and Jim balks.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Jim voice is scratchy, the kind that can only be brought on by sleeping for a long time. His face is gaunt, and he looks so frail that Bones wants to wrap him in cotton wool and never let him out of his sight.
Jim would murder him if he ever even tried.
“I’m not doing this with you, not tonight kid.” Bones says it firmly, because he doesn’t want to strain Jim even though he’s so fucking angry at him. If he was honest with himself, he’d admit that he’s scared to push Jim right now, because Jim has just woken up from the dead, and Bones is terrified that if he pushes too hard, Jim will go back to being dead. He knows it’s stupid, he can see from Jim’s chart that he’s fine, he doesn’t even need to be in the biobed any more, can recover perfectly well in his own quarters. But the idea of letting Jim out of his sight - no matter how mad he is - makes him want to vomit.
“Doing what?” Jim asks incredulously. Bones doesn’t answer him, just grits his teeth in frustration, because even if he doesn’t want to push Jim, Jim is always more than willing to push Bones. He struggles to sit up, his muscles weak from underuse, and Bones fights himself not to help Jim. “You’ve barely said two words to me since I’ve woken up. You’d think that me coming back from, you know, being dead would be something to celebrate for you, but apparently it’s not.” He sounds surly, like a child, the way he gets when he is tired and cranky. Bones fiddles with his PADD again, ignoring Jim.
“Dammit Bones, look at me wouldja?!” Bones hears the desperation in Jim’s voice and it breaks his heart, but still he takes his time, tapping away at the PADD before putting it down, taking a breath and turning to face Jim, letting the anger and hurt into his eyes so that Jim can see it. He hasn’t hidden his feelings to Jim before, and he isn’t about to start now.
He sees Jim’s hackles rise, his eyes narrowing, and now he’s getting it, finally, Bones thinks. He never used to be this slow; maybe the transfusion had taken more of a toll on Jim’s mind than Bones had first thought.
“What have I done this time? Apart from saving the whole damn crew?” Jim growls the question and yet still seems to make it sound exasperated. Bones thinks Jim learned that from him.
“Apart from dying, you mean?” Jim scoffs, and Bones bares his teeth. “You didn’t almost die, Jim, you actually did it, your heart stopped working, you stopped breathing.” He pauses, because the emotion is starting to get to him, and he doesn’t want this to dissolve into a crying fest. Jim blinks at him, waiting until he’s back in control to speak.
“Bones, I-“
“No, Jim, shut up for one damn minute, because this isn’t something you can just laugh away.” Bones stalks forwards, leaning on the edge of Jim’s biobed, his jaw clenched in frustration. When he continues, it’s through clenched teeth, quiet and hissing. “I don’t care that you saved the whole damn ship, I don’t care if you save the whole damn galaxy, it means nothing to me if you sacrifice yourself in the process!” He punches the edge of the biobed in frustration. To Jim’s credit, he doesn’t even flinch - he knows Bones would never hurt him. “You died, Jim!” His voice is broken now; shattering in pieces all over the place. Jim covers Bones’ hand with his own, and Bones’ eyes shut. “Do you know how hard it was for me to see you lying there, thinking you weren’t ever going to move again? That I was never going to be with you again? Did you even think about what it would do to me before you went bounding into the centre of the fucking ship and irradiating yourself beyond repair?”
“Don’t you dare.” Jim speaks again, his voice low and dangerous that Bones actually looks up at him now. “How can you ask me something like that? Did you ever stop to think that maybe I did this because of you? I had to realign the warp core because the idea of everyone dying - of you dying, was too much for me.”
“So you thought you dying was a fair trade, right?”
“My life for yours? Hell yes! And I’d do it over and over again if it meant that you were safe!” The room is silent now, their heavy breathing filling the room, and it’s too loud, too much.
Bones deflates.
“I’m sorry, Bones, for putting you through that mess. But I won’t apologise for saving you and the crew, and I definitely won’t promise I won’t do it again if I have to.” His hand tightens around Bones’ squeezing tightly, and Bones squeezes back, grateful that they can still do this. “Besides,” Jim continues, a smirk tugging at his lips, “It’s not like you let me stay dead for long.” Bones huffs out a laugh, even though it is not funny, dammit, and can’t stop himself from leaning forwards and pressing a kiss to Jim’s lips. Jim smiles into the kiss, moving his hand to grip the back of Bones’ neck. Bones does the same, breaking the kiss to lean his forehead against Jim’s.
“I can’t lose you again kid.” He whispers the admonishment. “It fucking broke me before; I can’t go through it again.” Jim kisses him again, and it’s heated, his tongue sweeping across Bones’ lips begging for admission which Bones gives him, of course he does, he’d give Jim the moon if he could. Jim takes it slow; working Bones how he knows gets him going, swallowing Bones’ moan and running a hand through Bones’ hair. He pulls back, smirking as Bones chases his mouth, giving him two closed mouth kisses before he stops Bones.
“I love you so much Bones, but don’t act you’d do the same for me if you could.” Bones lets out a sigh, because of course he would, he wouldn’t even hesitate, and Jim knows that, because he feels the same. He shakes his head with a breathless laugh.
“God we’re a fucking mess aren’t we.” Jim laughs at that, loudly, and it warms the blood in Bones’ veins because there was a moment he thought he’d never hear that laugh again.
“Of course we are, that’s why we’re perfect for each other.” Jim says it matter-of-factly, and they both share full smiles.
“I fucking love you kid.” Bones breathes, placing a kiss on Jim’s forehead before he starts undoing the tubes that keep Jim stuck to the biobed. Jim whoops when he realises what Bones is doing, and Bones smiles again. When Jim tries to get out of the bed by himself, he wobbles, but Bones is there to catch him, will always be there to catch him. He places one arm around Jim’s hip, taking most of Jim’s weight, and Jim grumbles that he’s not a fucking invalid Bones, but he leans on him anyway.
They head to Bones’ quarters, because they’re closer to the medbay, and when Jim is safely on the bed, shucking his medical clothes with distain before he sighs contentedly, spreading out and closing his eyes.
“God this feels so much better than the biobed.” He hums, and Bones huffs a laugh, stripping down to his boxers to climb into the bed with him. Jim whines, and Bones just raises an eyebrow.
“You just woke up from a two week coma after dying, Jim.” He slips under the covers and wraps his arms around Jim’s chest, spooning him. Jim rubs his ass against Bones’ cock, and Bones growls, biting Jim on the shoulder a bit harder than necessary. “You’re still recovering; you couldn’t even walk here without my help.” Jim scoots around so they are facing each other, a ridiculous pout on his face.
“Are you putting me on a sex ban?” Jim scowls, sliding his hands down Bones’ chest and onto his hips. Bones shifts, growling at Jim.
“So help me god I will stun your ass and lock you in a cupboard if your hands go any lower.” He’s half hard, Jim knows that, but he’s also being deadly serious, because he can see that Jim is still exhausted, and to tell the truth he is too. They have a staring contest until Jim sighs and rolls his eyes.
“You’re a dick.”
“You love me.” Bones replies, kissing Jim lightly, just a brush of lips that had him whining for more.
“You’re lucky I do.” Jim huffs, pushing Bones onto his back so that Jim can tuck himself into Bones’ side. Bones smiles and kisses the top of Jim’s head, thinking that yeah, he really fucking is.
**
“Five years in space, God help me.” Bones grumbles as Jim breezes past him on the bridge of the Enterprise. She’s fixed to perfection, and as much as he hates being in space, and how unlucky they’ve been in the past on this tin can, the feel of her engines thrumming underneath him calms him slightly.
He feels his ass getting groped, and squirms away, still sore from the morning when Jim had fucked him until he’d blacked out.
“Come on Bones, if you manage to not bitch for the next six hours I’ll give you a blowjob.” Jim laughs, wrapping his arms around Bones’ waist and sucking on the spot just below Bones’ ear that makes him moan. Bones goes red, because they’re in public dammit, about to start the longest voyage any Starfleet ship has undertaken, and they can’t delay it because the CMO wants to ravage the Captain.
“You’ll blow me anyway, you dick.” Bones growls, struggling out of Jim’s grip and Jim laughs, letting him go and slapping his ass as he heads to the captain’s chair.
Bones hates space, hates the idea of being stuck without sunlight and fresh air for the next five years. But he would go anywhere with Jim, would follow him to the ends of the galaxy if Jim asked. Jim looks over at him and gives him a soft smile, and Bones can’t help the swell of affection he feels for the other man.
Jim Kirk may be a lucky man, but so is Bones to have him in his life.
Warning: Canonical Character Death, Resurrection, Fluff, Angst, Star Trek: Into Darkness Spoilers
Word Count: 5,877
Summary: "The thing is, being on a ship that has a warp core with a band-aid over it, floating on the outskirts of Earth when you’re in the midst of a deadly fight with the head of Starfleet, is something that should be concerning McCoy more than it is, what with having a completely rational fear of dying in space and all.
The fact that their predicament is something that is quite low on Leonard’s Freaking-The-Fuck-Out-About list says it all, really."
Or Star Trek: Into Darkness, from Leonard McCoy's point of view
The thing is, being on a ship that has a warp core with a band-aid over it, floating on the outskirts of Earth when you’re in the midst of a deadly fight with the head of Starfleet, is something that should be concerning McCoy more than it is, what with having a completely rational fear of dying in space and all.
The fact that their predicament is something that is quite low on Leonard’s Freaking-The-Fuck-Out-About list says it all, really.
“Don’t you fucking dare walk out of this medbay.” His voice is quiet, dangerous, and he can feel the anger thrumming against his skin, ready to burst free. Jim stops at the door, his hand on the frame, his knuckles white from his tight grip, but he doesn’t turn around. The guards escorting Kahn out of the quarters turn to raise an eyebrow, but they must see something in Jim, because they leave without a word. Bones turns away from the Tribble on his table, standing up with his fists balled against the desk. He’s bowed over with anger, his bones and muscles screaming at him because he hasn’t slept since before the attack on Command, none of them have, and it’s catching up to him quicker than the rest.
“Bones.”
“Dammit Jim, look at me!” He punches the desk, and it shakes in protest. For a moment there is nothing, no sound other than the whine of the engines struggling to keep going from the last onslaught from the USS Vengeance, the beeping of the biobeds, and Bones’ heavy breathing. Then Jim turns around, and Bones can see the fire in his eyes, the determination in his jaw, his balled fists, and Bones knows that he’s already lost this fight.
Doesn’t mean he’s going to skip it though.
“If you’re about to say what I think you’re about to say, you can save it. Spock’s already given me the same lecture.” Jim sounds tired, and Bones knows Jim better than he knows himself, and he can see Jim doesn’t want this fight.
Tough.
“Maybe you should fucking listen to him then.” He cards his hands through his hair, because he needs something to do with them other than wringing Jim’s neck. “You’re gonna get yourself killed, don’t you understand that?”
“What do you want me to do, Bones?” Jim looks wrecked, wild, and absolutely terrified. “You heard Marcus, he’s going to kill everyone on board this ship, and this is the only thing I can think of to even stall enough to get this crew away.” He stalks forward, his palms out flat, begging. “This is my fault, Bones; I’m the reason everyone on this ship is going to die, including you, because I was too damn stupid to follow orders.”
“Since when have you followed orders, Jim?” Bones can see how much this is hurting Jim, but he doesn’t care, can’t care, not when it means that Jim won’t be safe, won’t be here, where Bones can keep a damn eye on him. “You did what you thought was right, and it was right.” He steps closer to Jim now, running his hands up Jim’s arms, leaving goosebumps on Jim’s flesh. “Marcus is fucking insane, Jim, this is all on him. We’ll find another way out of this mess, we always do. You always do.”
Jim pulls away from him then, his eyes flashing, the lightning behind his iris’ blinding to Bones.
“Don’t you see, Bones? This is the only way! We have no power to fight, no power to defend, and no power to flee. I have to do this, if it even gives Spock that extra five minutes to figure something else out.” He’s furious and terrified, his guard completely down for the first time since Pike’s death, showing Bones everything he’s been bottling up for days now, and it cuts Bones like glass, tiny shards attacking his heart. Bones deflates, the anger dissipating, and he rubs his hand over his face.
He’s so goddamn tired.
“You have to come back, kid.” He says it quietly, letting the pain and worry seep into those words, his head hanging. He sees Jim’s feet match up to his, and lets his eyes shut tightly as Jim’s hands come to rest on his waist, tugging him forward. Bones lets himself fall against Jim, boneless, needing the affection like he needs air to breathe. He feels Jim’s lips press against his neck, his hands sliding up his body, cupping his face, pulling back so he can kiss his lips once, twice, three times.
“I promise.” Jim’s words ease the knot in his chest ever-so-slightly, and he steals another kiss from Jim.
“I don’t want a promise, Jim. I want you to tell me you’ll get back here, by any means necessary.” Jim smiles then, and its small and broken and Bones knows that he is about to lie to him, he can tell, because they’ve been best friends for six years now, lovers for four and a half, and Bones has every single facial expression of Jim’s catalogued in his head, and he knows this smile is one to soften a blow, the one he uses on missions where children have lost parents and he has to tell them it’ll be okay when it won’t, everyone knows it won’t, but Jim says it anyway.
“What do I always say, Bones?” Jim is barely speaking now, but his voice is soothing. “I don’t believe in no-win situations. I’m going to win this one, Bones.” He says it with such conviction that Bones would believe him if he didn’t know better. Instead he pushes Jim away, shoving hard at his chest, fury blooming once more.
“Dammit, Jim, you think I can’t tell when you’re lying to me? You think I’m some dumbass blonde chick you picked up at a bar and tricked into bed?” His hands are shaking now, and he clenches them into fists again, his nails biting into his skin unforgivingly. “I can tell you know what’s going to happen, even if you do make it onto that damn tin can. You know Kahn will kill you, and you don’t give a rats ass. That’s beyond stupid, Jim, that’s fucking suicidal, and I can’t watch you do that.”
“Then don’t watch.” Jim’s voice is like ice as he turns around stiffly, the way only a cadet knows how to do. His back is to Bones now, and he wants to go to him, he does, because who knows if he’ll see Jim again, and he doesn’t want their last encounter to be this, but he’s stubborn, too fucking stubborn, they both are so he watches him leave before falling into a chair, gripping the sides so tight his knuckles go white.
**
He waits ten minutes until he feels the anger has simmered down enough that he can be around other people without wanting to strangle them, and then he heads to the bridge, because no matter what he said to Jim, not knowing what was happening to him would be worse than anything.
When he reaches the bridge, he can see the course Sulu has set out for Jim and Kahn, and his heart sinks a little bit. It looks impossible. Spock looks at him and nods, as if he approves of his chief medical officer being nowhere near his post, and that idea throws him for a loop for a moment. He kneels down by Spock’s side anyway, the next person besides himself who cares about Jim is Spock, and he can see beneath the perfectly stoic Vulcan’s expression the underlying fear, and that makes him feel better about himself.
Until he makes the mistake of asking Spock to tell him it’ll be okay. Then he’s just plain terrified.
When Spock gives the command to open the hangar door, bile rises in Bones’ throat, and he backs away, needing the solid presence of the wall. He closes his eyes to the show of debris on the screen, because he can hear what’s happening and that’s enough, he can’t watch, he won’t -
And then Jim says his visor is down, that he’s flying blind, and Bones flat out runs to the head, just making it in time to vomit the small contents in his stomach.
Damn he needs a drink.
When he returns, everyone is screaming at Scotty to open the hangar, and Jim and Kahn are almost there, and Bones is honest to god going to watch them crumble into the side of the ship, he’s going to watch the only person he’s ever really loved die before the rest of them die as well, and -
And the hangar door opens.
Everyone on the bridge sags in relief.
When Sulu says they can’t reach Kirk because the signal is jammed, Bones bites the skin around his thumb until he’s bleeding. Nyota slips her hand in his, squeezing it, because she knows how it feels to have someone you love out of reach on a dangerous mission, and he’s both grateful and terrified for the solidarity.
It’s weird, so fucking weird seeing the older Spock, but it is a welcome distraction for Bones. He is not comforted for long when he tells of the danger of Kahn. All he can think is how he let Jim walk away with this man, and it kills him inside.
Because yeah, Jim made it onto the ship, which was a stroke of luck, but that’s what Jim is - damn lucky. But Kahn is a cold-blooded killer, and it will take something more than luck to get Jim back onto the Enterprise alive.
Spock’s idea is ingenious, and Bones he’s impressed and a little bit terrified of Spock. He bitches that he’s a doctor, not a torpedo technician, and he’d already almost died opening one of those goddamn torpedoes, he wasn’t about to do it again, but when Spock tells him they’re just removing the cryo-tubes and rigging the torpedoes to explode, and Bones smiles, feels a little bubble of pride swell up and threaten to choke him, because that is all Kirks influence.
He leaves the bridge immediately and gets to work, roping in a few cadets and dragging Chekov from engineering to assist with the detonation. It takes a while, because there’s seventy two of the torpedoes and only eight of them, but it keeps Bones’ mind off Jim. By the time he’s got all of Kahn’s crew in the medbay, He hears Jim shouting for him, and he allows himself a split second of bone deep relief at the fact that he’s here he’s on the ship he’s okay thank you god before he’s running to him. He spares a glance for Carol, notes her shallow breathing and wrongly shaped leg, but it looks like a clean break and she’ll be okay, and then he looks at Kirk and can barely breathe. He pushes his concern for the man to one side and explains what Spock did, and then fusses over him, grabbing his head and then immediately letting go when Jim hisses.
“Jeez, Bones, a little less ham handed if you don’t mind!” He flinches away from Bones’ touch, but Bones just growls at him and grabs his shoulder instead, yanking him towards him.
“I need to check if you’ve got concussion, Jim,” He says, running his hands through Jim’s hair, carefully touching the scalp until he feels a large lump. Jim’s quiet, leaning into Bones’ touch, his breathing is shallow, and Bones suspects a broken or fractured rib, but he focuses on the lump for now. When he pulls his hand away, he lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding - there’s no blood. He breathes through his teeth, turning Jim’s head to inspect the marks on his face.
“Flesh wounds, your pretty face won’t scar.” He says with a grim smile that Jim matches.
“Aw, you think I’m pretty Bones?”
“I think you’re a damn idiot.” He retorts, carding his hand through Jims hair again, careful to not knock the bump. Jim closes his eyes, leaning his forehead on Bones’ shoulder, and Bones takes the opportunity to run his hands over the rest of his body, lightly checking for any more injuries. There are bumps and scratches and yes, one - no, two - fractured ribs, thank fuck they aren’t too bad and will heal easily by themselves, but nothing too bad, nothing to hospitalise Jim, and the knot around Bones’ heart disappears because Jim is here, in his arms, and he’s alright, he made it out, of course he did, how could Bones have thought anything different?
“I’m sorry, Jim.” It’s a hushed apology, said into Jim’s ear, and Jim just hugs him tighter. Bones screws his hands into Jim’s golden shirt, not wanting to ever let the man out of sight again.
That is, of course, because this is his fucking life, because he chose to be in love with the Captain of the ship with the worst fucking luck, when everything begins to shut down, the Enterprise finally crumbling under the shots from Kahn before the torpedoes exploded. Jim pulls out of Bones’ embrace as Bones’ heart rate sky rockets, his skin becoming clammy, and grabs his face.
“Bones, don’t freak out, okay. It’s going to be fine, I’m going to fix this, now. Focus and get all your patients stable, and then get yourself safe, do you hear me?” Bones takes a breath, then another, and then one more, before nodding. Jim leans forward, nips at Bones’ lips, teasing them open. The kiss is fast, desperate, and exactly what Bones needs. Jim breaks it, laughing quietly.
“Captain’s gotta go, old man.” He smiles, turns his head and presses a kiss to Bones’ pulse point on his hand. “I’ll be back when we’re stable.” He says, and this time Bones believes him.
And then he’s gone, sweeping out the medbay and towards wherever with Scotty in tow. Bones swallows once, takes a deep breath, and then shoves all thoughts of hurtling towards their deaths to lock in all his patients, making sure all the equipment was locked up and safe, before he strapped himself down, taking deep breaths and thinking of Jim’s mouth on his, the only thing stopping him from freaking out.
It feels like light years pass until suddenly, without warning, the lights come back on, the whir of engines fill the medbay, and Bones isn’t the only one who lets out a sigh of relief as the ship steadies herself. He waits for a moment, and then when he’s sure the ship isn’t about to fall out of space again, unbuckles himself. His legs are weak, but he makes his way over to the patients, checking on them, making sure their vitals are okay, discharging those who aren’t seriously injured, because they’re going to need all the biobeds they can get. He checks over Carol, prepping her for surgery, because the bone needs resetting which is a nasty business but it’s necessary. Carol smiles when he tells her, and Bones can’t help but think how strong she is after witnessing her fathers’ skull being crushed by a psychopath, having her leg snapped by said psychopath, and still being able to smile. He decides she can stick around when they’re out of this mess.
He tries to comm the bridge, but when nobody picks up, he shrugs it off. Everybody is probably too busy making sure everything is really working again, helping the injured and moving the dead. There is a steady stream of crew members coming through the doors now, and Bones sends some doctors to distinguish the mildly injured from the majorly, instructing them to send any messages from the bridge straight to the OR. M’Benga told him that the comms to medical were down from everywhere, the only comms that were working were engineering to bridge, and Bones laughed, because of course Scotty would make sure that even if the ship were on fire, he could still get rude messages to Jim on the bridge.
The surgery on Carol is quicker than expected, but then he has to perform two more on crew members in various states of hurt. He’s almost through with the second surgery - yeoman Rand had gotten caught between two shards of metal, slicing her thigh open almost to the bone - when the comm chimes.
“McCoy.” He says, focussing on stitching up the gash.
“Oh thank god, Leonard.” Nyota’s voice is shaky, breathless, like she’s been crying and Bones pauses because Nyota never loses control, only in Very Bad Circumstances.
“Nyota, what’s happened?” His voice is gruff; he knows that, because he can’t stop the panic that is blooming inside of him. He passes the needle to his co-worker, who takes up the job immediately.
“Oh god, Leonard, I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry,” She’s full-on sobbing now, and Bones’ panic evolves to terror, because there is only one reason she’d be apologising to him like this. He moves away from the medical table, gripping the wall tightly.
“Where is he, Nyota?” His lungs are caving in but he spits the words out anyway.
“Scotty tried to comm you but the lines were down, there was nothing anyone could do,” She’s begging him now, begging him to understand but he doesn’t want to, he can’t, and she hasn’t said what happened yet anyway, so his freak-out is premature, stupid - Jim will laugh and laugh when he finds out, he’ll tease him for being such a worrier, and then he’ll kiss him slowly, undoing him from the inside out, taking him apart and putting him back together because that’s what Jim does.
There’s a knock at the door, and Bones reaches out to open it.
His hands are shaking.
“Sir, you’re being asked for out here.” One of the cadets stands before him in red, his face drained of all colour.
He leaves the OR, his legs working on autopilot. Scotty is standing in front of him, his face covered in tear tracks, with a shiner blooming around his right eye. He shakes his head at Bones, bowing it in grief, and that’s when the body bag is brought in.
Bones wants to laugh, he does, because the bag looks small, too small to be Jim. But he’s still afraid to step forward and open the bag, because if it wasn’t Jim, why would everyone in the room be so still, so silent?
“The ship was dead, Len.” Scotty’s voice is soft, but he may as well be screaming. “The only way to get her back online was to get into the warp core itself and realign it.” He looks up at Bones then, his eyes full of regret and remorse, the two things that Bones does not want right now. “I tried to stop him, but he knocked me out. By the time I came to, the ship was stable and Jim was…” Bones registers a sob from somewhere, it could be him, but he’s not sure. “I tried to comm you but the lines were down, I could only get to Spock…”
Bones wipes at his face. Somewhere along the line, he’d started crying. He doesn’t know where he gets the strength from, but somehow he opens the bag.
And there he is.
Bones blinks once, twice, his brain is shutting down, because there is no way that Jim, his Jim, is dead. It doesn’t make sense to him that someone always so full of life, so bright and ballsy and brilliant could be lying still on the table in front of him.
He stumbles away, past Scotty, past Carol, who is standing and hobbling towards the table, her eyes fixed on Jim and shining with tears. He gets to his chair and falls down into it, and then, only then, does he put his head in his hands.
Jim Kirk is dead.
And then, from the corner of his eye, he sees the Tribble - the dead one, except it’s not dead anymore - move.
It takes a second, just a second, for Bones to register what that means. He decides that he can’t be blamed for his slowness, but there’s something blooming in his chest, something light, eradicating the darkness that engulfed him from the moment he heard Nyota’s sobs.
Jim Kirk is dead, but not for long, if Bones has any say in the matter.
**
Bones takes a grim satisfaction in removing Kahn’s blood. He’s tempted to drain his whole body, because it’s no less than the bastard deserves, but he doesn’t.
Spock lets out a small sound of displeasure, and despite everything, Bones grins.
The blood transfusion takes fourteen hours to perform, but Bones doesn’t even feel tired when it’s over. Considering he’s been awake for almost seventy hours, he should be more worried, but he can’t think about himself, not now, not when Jim needs him.
He falls asleep in the chair next to Jim’s bed, and when he wakes up, he has a crick in his neck and Spock is peering down at him.
“Doctor, let me take over for now. I’ll ensure he continues to be stable, but you need rest.” Bones grumbles, but he knows Jim won’t wake up for at least a week, maybe two, because his cells were so heavily radiated. He pats Spock on the shoulder as he leaves the private room, glancing once more at Jim before he leaves.
The cycle continues for exactly fourteen days. Bones spends four hours a day sleeping, eight hours on shift, and the rest of the time beside Jim, talking to him about everything, any scrap of news or gossip that comes through those doors.
Jim, of course, has visitors by the bucket load - there is practically a line out his door during visiting hours. Bones is always there at this time, because he doesn’t know these people like Jim does, and although he knows they’re loyal to Jim, he doesn’t trust them.
There are only a few people he feels comfortable enough leaving Jim with when he is on shift or sleeping, and those are the ones who take it in turns to look after him. Bones walks in after one shift to Chekov and Sulu playing poker, laughing loudly and drinking bourbon. Two glasses are empty, the other lies beside Jims bed.
Bones drinks it after they leave.
It’s a Saturday when Jim starts showing signs of activity, and Bones’ heart almost shatters in relief. He comms Spock immediately, who appears dressed in his smart uniform, looking pristine as usual.
“Is he…” Spock trails off, a glimmer of hope in his otherwise stoic expression, and Bones breaks out into his first real smile since this whole mess. He nods.
“Should be any minute now.” He says, and then they wait.
When Jim finally opens his eyes, Bones almost comes apart, but he knows that there will be time for a reunion later, so much time, and he scans Jim to see if there’s any lasting damage as Jim and Spock exchange words.
Bones can’t stop smiling.
Later, long after Spock and Nyota and Sulu and Scotty and Chekov and Carol have left, it’s just the two of them, and Bones can feel the tension ramp up a few more notches. He busies himself with Jim’s machines, checking his vitals for the twelfth time in an hour, over-looking things on his PADD, trying to ignore the glare of Jim’s eyes boring into his skull. The initial relief of thank fuck it worked he’s alive had worn off somewhere between Chekov bouncing like a puppy and Carol hitting Jim with her crutches (lightly, of course, because she didn’t want to hurt him any more than he already had been), and has evolved into anger at Jim for being so damn reckless with his life.
Yes, he had saved the ship and crew from certain death, but he had also killed himself in the process. Not almost, not nearly, he had died. Heart stop beating, blood stop pumping, the real deal. And yes, Bones has known about Jim’s suicidal tendencies, his hero complex, his notion of no-win fucking scenarios, for a long time now, has put up with them because it was one of the many, many reasons he had fallen in love like a teenager with him all those years ago. But Bones wonders if Jim thinks about him, even once, before he makes these life-endangering decisions. Clearly, the answer is no, and Bones is pissed.
Jim catches Bones’ wrist as he walks past the bed, but Bones wrenches his arm away.
“Just don’t Jim.” He hisses quietly, and Jim balks.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Jim voice is scratchy, the kind that can only be brought on by sleeping for a long time. His face is gaunt, and he looks so frail that Bones wants to wrap him in cotton wool and never let him out of his sight.
Jim would murder him if he ever even tried.
“I’m not doing this with you, not tonight kid.” Bones says it firmly, because he doesn’t want to strain Jim even though he’s so fucking angry at him. If he was honest with himself, he’d admit that he’s scared to push Jim right now, because Jim has just woken up from the dead, and Bones is terrified that if he pushes too hard, Jim will go back to being dead. He knows it’s stupid, he can see from Jim’s chart that he’s fine, he doesn’t even need to be in the biobed any more, can recover perfectly well in his own quarters. But the idea of letting Jim out of his sight - no matter how mad he is - makes him want to vomit.
“Doing what?” Jim asks incredulously. Bones doesn’t answer him, just grits his teeth in frustration, because even if he doesn’t want to push Jim, Jim is always more than willing to push Bones. He struggles to sit up, his muscles weak from underuse, and Bones fights himself not to help Jim. “You’ve barely said two words to me since I’ve woken up. You’d think that me coming back from, you know, being dead would be something to celebrate for you, but apparently it’s not.” He sounds surly, like a child, the way he gets when he is tired and cranky. Bones fiddles with his PADD again, ignoring Jim.
“Dammit Bones, look at me wouldja?!” Bones hears the desperation in Jim’s voice and it breaks his heart, but still he takes his time, tapping away at the PADD before putting it down, taking a breath and turning to face Jim, letting the anger and hurt into his eyes so that Jim can see it. He hasn’t hidden his feelings to Jim before, and he isn’t about to start now.
He sees Jim’s hackles rise, his eyes narrowing, and now he’s getting it, finally, Bones thinks. He never used to be this slow; maybe the transfusion had taken more of a toll on Jim’s mind than Bones had first thought.
“What have I done this time? Apart from saving the whole damn crew?” Jim growls the question and yet still seems to make it sound exasperated. Bones thinks Jim learned that from him.
“Apart from dying, you mean?” Jim scoffs, and Bones bares his teeth. “You didn’t almost die, Jim, you actually did it, your heart stopped working, you stopped breathing.” He pauses, because the emotion is starting to get to him, and he doesn’t want this to dissolve into a crying fest. Jim blinks at him, waiting until he’s back in control to speak.
“Bones, I-“
“No, Jim, shut up for one damn minute, because this isn’t something you can just laugh away.” Bones stalks forwards, leaning on the edge of Jim’s biobed, his jaw clenched in frustration. When he continues, it’s through clenched teeth, quiet and hissing. “I don’t care that you saved the whole damn ship, I don’t care if you save the whole damn galaxy, it means nothing to me if you sacrifice yourself in the process!” He punches the edge of the biobed in frustration. To Jim’s credit, he doesn’t even flinch - he knows Bones would never hurt him. “You died, Jim!” His voice is broken now; shattering in pieces all over the place. Jim covers Bones’ hand with his own, and Bones’ eyes shut. “Do you know how hard it was for me to see you lying there, thinking you weren’t ever going to move again? That I was never going to be with you again? Did you even think about what it would do to me before you went bounding into the centre of the fucking ship and irradiating yourself beyond repair?”
“Don’t you dare.” Jim speaks again, his voice low and dangerous that Bones actually looks up at him now. “How can you ask me something like that? Did you ever stop to think that maybe I did this because of you? I had to realign the warp core because the idea of everyone dying - of you dying, was too much for me.”
“So you thought you dying was a fair trade, right?”
“My life for yours? Hell yes! And I’d do it over and over again if it meant that you were safe!” The room is silent now, their heavy breathing filling the room, and it’s too loud, too much.
Bones deflates.
“I’m sorry, Bones, for putting you through that mess. But I won’t apologise for saving you and the crew, and I definitely won’t promise I won’t do it again if I have to.” His hand tightens around Bones’ squeezing tightly, and Bones squeezes back, grateful that they can still do this. “Besides,” Jim continues, a smirk tugging at his lips, “It’s not like you let me stay dead for long.” Bones huffs out a laugh, even though it is not funny, dammit, and can’t stop himself from leaning forwards and pressing a kiss to Jim’s lips. Jim smiles into the kiss, moving his hand to grip the back of Bones’ neck. Bones does the same, breaking the kiss to lean his forehead against Jim’s.
“I can’t lose you again kid.” He whispers the admonishment. “It fucking broke me before; I can’t go through it again.” Jim kisses him again, and it’s heated, his tongue sweeping across Bones’ lips begging for admission which Bones gives him, of course he does, he’d give Jim the moon if he could. Jim takes it slow; working Bones how he knows gets him going, swallowing Bones’ moan and running a hand through Bones’ hair. He pulls back, smirking as Bones chases his mouth, giving him two closed mouth kisses before he stops Bones.
“I love you so much Bones, but don’t act you’d do the same for me if you could.” Bones lets out a sigh, because of course he would, he wouldn’t even hesitate, and Jim knows that, because he feels the same. He shakes his head with a breathless laugh.
“God we’re a fucking mess aren’t we.” Jim laughs at that, loudly, and it warms the blood in Bones’ veins because there was a moment he thought he’d never hear that laugh again.
“Of course we are, that’s why we’re perfect for each other.” Jim says it matter-of-factly, and they both share full smiles.
“I fucking love you kid.” Bones breathes, placing a kiss on Jim’s forehead before he starts undoing the tubes that keep Jim stuck to the biobed. Jim whoops when he realises what Bones is doing, and Bones smiles again. When Jim tries to get out of the bed by himself, he wobbles, but Bones is there to catch him, will always be there to catch him. He places one arm around Jim’s hip, taking most of Jim’s weight, and Jim grumbles that he’s not a fucking invalid Bones, but he leans on him anyway.
They head to Bones’ quarters, because they’re closer to the medbay, and when Jim is safely on the bed, shucking his medical clothes with distain before he sighs contentedly, spreading out and closing his eyes.
“God this feels so much better than the biobed.” He hums, and Bones huffs a laugh, stripping down to his boxers to climb into the bed with him. Jim whines, and Bones just raises an eyebrow.
“You just woke up from a two week coma after dying, Jim.” He slips under the covers and wraps his arms around Jim’s chest, spooning him. Jim rubs his ass against Bones’ cock, and Bones growls, biting Jim on the shoulder a bit harder than necessary. “You’re still recovering; you couldn’t even walk here without my help.” Jim scoots around so they are facing each other, a ridiculous pout on his face.
“Are you putting me on a sex ban?” Jim scowls, sliding his hands down Bones’ chest and onto his hips. Bones shifts, growling at Jim.
“So help me god I will stun your ass and lock you in a cupboard if your hands go any lower.” He’s half hard, Jim knows that, but he’s also being deadly serious, because he can see that Jim is still exhausted, and to tell the truth he is too. They have a staring contest until Jim sighs and rolls his eyes.
“You’re a dick.”
“You love me.” Bones replies, kissing Jim lightly, just a brush of lips that had him whining for more.
“You’re lucky I do.” Jim huffs, pushing Bones onto his back so that Jim can tuck himself into Bones’ side. Bones smiles and kisses the top of Jim’s head, thinking that yeah, he really fucking is.
**
“Five years in space, God help me.” Bones grumbles as Jim breezes past him on the bridge of the Enterprise. She’s fixed to perfection, and as much as he hates being in space, and how unlucky they’ve been in the past on this tin can, the feel of her engines thrumming underneath him calms him slightly.
He feels his ass getting groped, and squirms away, still sore from the morning when Jim had fucked him until he’d blacked out.
“Come on Bones, if you manage to not bitch for the next six hours I’ll give you a blowjob.” Jim laughs, wrapping his arms around Bones’ waist and sucking on the spot just below Bones’ ear that makes him moan. Bones goes red, because they’re in public dammit, about to start the longest voyage any Starfleet ship has undertaken, and they can’t delay it because the CMO wants to ravage the Captain.
“You’ll blow me anyway, you dick.” Bones growls, struggling out of Jim’s grip and Jim laughs, letting him go and slapping his ass as he heads to the captain’s chair.
Bones hates space, hates the idea of being stuck without sunlight and fresh air for the next five years. But he would go anywhere with Jim, would follow him to the ends of the galaxy if Jim asked. Jim looks over at him and gives him a soft smile, and Bones can’t help the swell of affection he feels for the other man.
Jim Kirk may be a lucky man, but so is Bones to have him in his life.