and the one nine turns into two zero
It's funny how things change, how unexpected they can be, how wonderful they can be, how sad, how lovely, how beautiful.
But the reason why we live is sometimes precisely because of that, right? Even for the shortest of moments with our friends, family and loved ones - we live on.
Today I turned twenty. It's not like I'm posting just because it's my birthday (or barfday, as someone put it nicely hah), but I feel like I need to say what I couldn't say just now as my friends made me stand on the stupid wooden block top and try to make a speech, haha. I'm not capable of speaking that arrogantly, eh.
The word thank you would suffice in most instances. Saying that again and again though, and the feeling gets diluted. So sometimes, saying a speech, or drawing something is more appropriate. I don't have my tablet now so a text message would have to suffice.
But standing up there, looking at the circle of people, of eyes looking at me, although mostly older than me, I feel glad I didn't go what I thought would have been a better solution.
My history, plainly put is as such - primary school was nothing but boring till I met a group in primary 5 and giving me a sense of freedom; secondary school I was deader than the ground until people started talking to me for academic help, and art gave me a chance to lead; in junior college, I found myself becoming waaaay too motherly to too many people.
I started out alone and here am I. I started out feeling nothing - a blank, blank slate, an empty container that once described herself as 'a rubbish bin for her friends', then to a zombie (hey at least it's not an inanimate object, right), then to brothers/sisters and then now - goodness, I'm like a 'mother' to so many people, aha.
I nearly went for the route that might have left me stranded out in the open wide world - a scholarship that might have given me a chance, a better chance, at living life later on. Being strong, a leader, passionate at teaching the arts and all.
But I chose this route.
And I got so much more than I had expected, even though things at home are messed up a little, but I'm not alone. As strangely fitting my monologue was; I have friends now.
I've cried so many times in this place I know it's not normal, but it means something. I'm living, I'm alive and I'm feeling something. Ever since I left junior college, I told myself one thing; I'm not going to regret a thing I do after this. Whatever decision that may come, whatever pains that happen - I don't want to regret anymore simply because I was so-called held back by a system. Even if I cry, even if it hurts, I'll get over it and start again, because that's a part of living isn't it? Getting back up again even though you're facing crap. Feeling happy, sad, thankful, hurt, angry, disappointed, embarrassed, in love, out of love, whatever.
Life's going to suck. It's going to be one tough struggle, one after the other, to know people, find your friends, know your enemies but still be nice to them (hey, there's no point in being so mean when you only live for so long on this planet. Even if it's another 50 or 60 years to go. But you could be a bit mean every now and then, if needed.), move on from pain to pain. But every now and then moments like this, they shine in your memory, no matter where you are and how painful things are, these are the things that will make you smile and laugh anywhere, make you feel alive.
They are bright burning and shining in your mind. and when you die, you know you've lived out your life.
I want to keep on living, to keep on burning, and when I'm gone, nothing needs to be left behind.
all the way and more.
But the reason why we live is sometimes precisely because of that, right? Even for the shortest of moments with our friends, family and loved ones - we live on.
Today I turned twenty. It's not like I'm posting just because it's my birthday (or barfday, as someone put it nicely hah), but I feel like I need to say what I couldn't say just now as my friends made me stand on the stupid wooden block top and try to make a speech, haha. I'm not capable of speaking that arrogantly, eh.
The word thank you would suffice in most instances. Saying that again and again though, and the feeling gets diluted. So sometimes, saying a speech, or drawing something is more appropriate. I don't have my tablet now so a text message would have to suffice.
But standing up there, looking at the circle of people, of eyes looking at me, although mostly older than me, I feel glad I didn't go what I thought would have been a better solution.
My history, plainly put is as such - primary school was nothing but boring till I met a group in primary 5 and giving me a sense of freedom; secondary school I was deader than the ground until people started talking to me for academic help, and art gave me a chance to lead; in junior college, I found myself becoming waaaay too motherly to too many people.
I started out alone and here am I. I started out feeling nothing - a blank, blank slate, an empty container that once described herself as 'a rubbish bin for her friends', then to a zombie (hey at least it's not an inanimate object, right), then to brothers/sisters and then now - goodness, I'm like a 'mother' to so many people, aha.
I nearly went for the route that might have left me stranded out in the open wide world - a scholarship that might have given me a chance, a better chance, at living life later on. Being strong, a leader, passionate at teaching the arts and all.
But I chose this route.
And I got so much more than I had expected, even though things at home are messed up a little, but I'm not alone. As strangely fitting my monologue was; I have friends now.
I've cried so many times in this place I know it's not normal, but it means something. I'm living, I'm alive and I'm feeling something. Ever since I left junior college, I told myself one thing; I'm not going to regret a thing I do after this. Whatever decision that may come, whatever pains that happen - I don't want to regret anymore simply because I was so-called held back by a system. Even if I cry, even if it hurts, I'll get over it and start again, because that's a part of living isn't it? Getting back up again even though you're facing crap. Feeling happy, sad, thankful, hurt, angry, disappointed, embarrassed, in love, out of love, whatever.
Life's going to suck. It's going to be one tough struggle, one after the other, to know people, find your friends, know your enemies but still be nice to them (hey, there's no point in being so mean when you only live for so long on this planet. Even if it's another 50 or 60 years to go. But you could be a bit mean every now and then, if needed.), move on from pain to pain. But every now and then moments like this, they shine in your memory, no matter where you are and how painful things are, these are the things that will make you smile and laugh anywhere, make you feel alive.
They are bright burning and shining in your mind. and when you die, you know you've lived out your life.
I want to keep on living, to keep on burning, and when I'm gone, nothing needs to be left behind.
all the way and more.