[FIC] and [MIX]: We Can Make It Out (Alive)
Title: We Can Make It Out (Alive)
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Dean/Castiel, mostly pre-slash
Word Count: 3266
Warnings: Character death at the end.
Summary: Fic-mix for merngel; part of the deancastiel Everlasting Birthday Challenge.
AN: Eventually I am going to come back to this and make something even more epic out of it, but for now... Happy birthday, merngel! I hope you have a great one!
The mix that accompanies this fic can be downloaded here.
"Refuse/Resist", Apocalyptica
(instrumental)
Anyone who reads the newsfiles-and reading the daily news is practically mandatory; with the most popular companies, whichever one you’ve subscribed to will pop up on your phone’s repeatedly until you’ve at least scrolled through it-will tell you that Dean Winchester and his brother Sam are cowards. Their father helped to create the Angel program, humanity’s greatest advantage in the previously perilously one-sided war, and instead of accepting their draft cards and joining the army like proper citizens, the Winchester brothers went into hiding. The person who tells you that will also repeat other reassurances they’ve gotten from the newsfiles: the war is going well, the casualties are not unusually high, the Winchester brothers are dangerous criminals but they’ll be found soon, and there is nothing wrong with the Angel program. Of course the enemy isn’t doing their own human modification. None of the newsfile companies ever say that the war will end within any set period of time. Any reporter foolish enough to be optimistic about it would be quietly dismissed; any stupid enough to be honest would disappear altogether.
Anyone who reads the newsfiles wouldn’t be able to tell you exactly who the enemy is. The reports aren’t quite clear on that topic, and no one asks. Everyone knows that asking too many questions gets funny looks from whoever you’re asking if you’re lucky, and a mark on your record if you’re not. People don’t like to think about what happens if there are too many marks on someone’s record. Rumor has it that the Winchester brothers have fifty-three marks on their records between them. That’s how it goes; people start asking questions and other people change the subject. So no one really knows who the enemy is, and who’s to say that they actually want to find out? That’s for the drafted Angels and the government to worry about.
The Angel project began more than twenty years before the current war officially broke out, but it was mostly pages of theoretical research until a year into the war, when things were starting to go pear-shaped. Two years after that, a few soldiers were selected to test the process of modification. When none of them died right away, the draft was implemented. The word “draft” had negative connotations, but the government (and the newsfiles they were leaning on) made it clear that not everyone was going to be drafted-there were plenty of ways someone could be exempt, but once the draft card came that was it. If they didn’t report to the specified location within the specified time period, they would be tracked down and forced to report for modification. No one tried to run, until the Winchester brothers: when anyone in the world could be tracked through their phone at the least and the ID cards needed for any kind of purchase, who would have been dumb enough to try?
---
Sam’s draft card was uplinked to his phone twenty-four hours after Dean received his. They’d spoken by video-call only a few hours after Dean got the news; Dean had tried to act like it wasn’t a big deal so Sam would stay in California and not worry, but Sam wasn’t buying any of it. They both knew more about the Angel project and the war than any civilian ought to, and it was only out of public respect for their father that the two men hadn’t been hauled in long before this-Dean especially, since he appeared to be determined to finish his father’s research using John Winchester’s less orthodox methods. Sam had been content to attend college and apply to law school, which seemed like enough to keep the government off both their backs. Apparently it wasn’t.
John Winchester had several partners when he worked on the Angel project prior to his death. Bobby Singer had handed in his resignation the day after the accident, while Zachariah Adler took over. Zachariah was the one who had brought the project to the attention of the government and presented it as a plausible enhancement for the army. Dean had met Zachariah when he was seventeen and interning at the lab for the summer, and he hadn’t liked the man then. He cursed Zachariah’s name repeatedly when Sam’s draft card came.
Neither of them showed up for their appointments. Instead, Dean drove like a bat out of hell to get to Sam, and then he loaded up their father’s old Impala class ship with all of the supplies they could manage before they got the fuck off the planet. In hindsight, maybe turning himself and his brother into inter-planetary fugitives who had to avoid both sides of a war wasn’t Dean’s best idea. But it was better than being turned into Angels. Dean’s fairly certain that a whole lot of effort isn’t put into finding them, because it takes six months after they leave before someone does.
"Re-Evolve", 30 Seconds to Mars
Does it feel like we've never been alive?
Does it seem like it's only just begun?
There are times, times that he never talks about, where Castiel remembers being human. He had a different name, and a family. He was just a normal person. He didn’t have the accelerated healing abilities, improved strength, and the myriad of other abilities his body was enhanced with when he was drafted almost a year ago. He wonders if Amelia knows that he’s still alive, or if she considered him dead the moment the draft card came. He wonders if Claire is passing Algebra - she was always smart, but math wasn’t her forte. He knows he’s not supposed to remember any of these things, much less think about them, and he wonders if that means something went wrong when he was modified. If he tells someone, will it be fixed, or do all of the other Angels remember too, and they just pretend they don’t? They don’t talk about things. Instead Anael gives orders, and the rest of the garrison follows them.
One day Anael disappears, and no one talks about it. They’re all transferred to different garrisons, except for Castiel.
---
“I have a special assignment for you,” Zachariah tells Castiel when the Angel is called into his office in Chicago. There is something off about Zachariah; Castiel can sense that the man isn’t fully human, but that doesn’t make any sense. Angels are used as soldiers, not as politicians and bureaucrats. He wonders if there’s any truth to the rumors that Zachariah had Angel modifications performed on himself before he remembers again that he’s not supposed to wonder about things.
“I want you to go after the Winchesters,” Zachariah continues. “I want you to get close to them, make them think you’re their friend if you have to, and then I want you to bring them here.”
Castiel is surprised. “Why are they so important?” slips out of his mouth, because it’s a genuine question. Yes, the Angel project was created by John Winchester, but his sons weren’t involved with it.
Zachariah just smiles. “I think you already know the answer to that question.”
And suddenly he does. Every set of modifications is different, and there are two sets of plans with Sam and Dean Winchester’s names on them. At least, the brothers’ future names are on those plans. Zachariah needs the brothers to sign their consent forms, once they’re brought in, but there are ways of making that happen. The most important thing is that he has them. And it’s Castiel’s job to make that happen.
"Assassin", Muse
Whatever they say
These people are torn
Dean is just shy of dead when he and Castiel meet for the first time on a planet that’s never had a name that didn’t reference Hell. Castiel tells himself that he healed Dean completely because it was part of the job, but he could have easily healed Dean enough to get him to the nearest Earth government outpost, and then been done with it all. Sam wasn’t in any more condition to protest at the time than Dean was. The brothers would have been modified, and Castiel would have been sent back to the fighting, probably to the front lines. He’d have died in battle. He still might, but…
“Please help us,” Sam had asked.
Castiel saw Dean for the first time, and said, “Okay.”
The handprint on Dean’s shoulder was an accident, and five days later Castiel still isn’t sure how it could have been prevented. Or undone. He doesn’t know why the brothers allowed him on their ship, or why Sam talks to him like he trusts the Angel. Dean is still a little hostile, and that bothers Castiel more than he would have admitted even when he was human.
It would be so easy to get up when Sam and Dean are sleeping, redirect the ship, and turn the Winchesters in like he was told to. He doesn’t.
"(Don’t Fear) The Reaper", Pierce the Veil
All our times have come
Here but now they're gone
“Why are you still with us?” Dean asks a week after he nearly died, on a night (figuratively, since they’re traveling and time is much more relative in space) when he and Castiel are in the cockpit while Sam sleeps somewhere in the cargo bay. Impala class ships aren’t all that large, so there aren’t really any quarters for even the crew, and checking into too many spaceports is just asking to get themselves caught. Of course, so is traveling around with an Angel. “You could have turned us in by now, if you wanted to.”
Castiel doesn’t know how to answer. He’s started wondering about things again, and he knows that’s not necessarily a good thing. So he goes with a simple truth that doesn’t tell Dean everything. “I don’t want to.”
---
Sam didn’t notice the first time Dean stared at Castiel for a few seconds too long - Castiel has stared at Dean for longer than most people would stare at someone since the moment they met him, but it was easy at first to chalk it up to the fact that Castiel was still trying to figure them out. Maybe Dean is trying to figure the Angel out now. It’s not as weird to look up and see them looking at each other when they think the other one isn’t looking as it is to see them both with their gazes locked on each other all the freakin’ time.
“Jeez, why don’t you two just make out already and get it over with!” And wow, he did not need that mental image. But now they’re staring at him instead of each other.
---
They run into an Angel from Castiel’s old garrison when they stop for fuel and supplies. The Angel recognizes the brothers and Castiel, and he doesn’t understand why Castiel is with the Winchesters. When he tries to contact the head of his new garrison, Castiel disables his phone. When he fights back, Castiel disables the Angel, but not before other Angel manages an attack that would have been fatal to a human. As it is, Castiel is healed before his enemy - just that thought is enough to rock the foundations of his faith - hits the ground. That doesn’t stop the fear in Dean and Sam’s voices as they leave, or Dean’s frantic pawing at Castiel’s torso (to be sure, he says). It doesn’t stop them, hours later, from standing in each other’s space and breathing the same air, just confirming that they’re both alive.
They’ve known each other less than two weeks. It isn’t supposed to be like this. Jimmy Novak was married - is still technically married, since there was no death certificate. Castiel isn’t really Jimmy Novak.
“Cas,” Dean whispers, and Castiel stops over-analyzing and just breathes.
"Waiting For the End", Linkin Park
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn't so
They run into another Angel at the next port. This time Castiel kills him.
He’s losing strength - he can feel it, slowly leaving him. Just the strength his modifications give him, not his life, or so he hopes. Healing has become harder too, so he tries to hide his injuries from Dean. He’s pretty sure Dean sees anyway.
---
“Why us?” Sam asks. “I mean, couldn’t they just put those modifications on someone else?”
“The Lucifer modifications have been applied to other people,” Castiel admits. He can’t explain how he knows things; it’s part of his own modifications, he supposes. “They… didn’t survive.”
“Son of a bitch,” Dean mutters. “And you guys want to put Sam through that?”
His phrasing hits Castiel the wrong way, because suddenly Dean has lumped him back with the rest of the Angels and the government officials running the program. “You interned with your father’s company when you were younger, Dean. You should know that every Angel modification is designed individually. The Lucifer and Michael modifications are the first I’ve heard of to be designed before a recipient was selected.”
“I don’t think they were,” Sam says, and the other two look at him. “I mean, our dad worked on the Angel project.”
To say Dean frowns at that is something of an understatement. “You think Dad designed those modifications for us?”
“No, no. But think about it, Dean. Zachariah worked with Dad before he took over the project. He could have easily designed modifications with us in mind.”
“Great,” Dean scoffed. “So what do we do about it?”
“If Zachariah has in fact applied modifications to himself, the three of us would be no match for him, presuming we could get to him at all. He has guards who are most likely Angels as well.”
“So one of us gets modified,” Sam answers.
“Hell no,” Dean responds immediately. “The whole point of this was that neither of us does what that douchebag wants.”
“Dean is right. If either of you were modified, you would lose your memories of being who you are now.”
“So you don’t remember being human?” Sam shoots back.
Castiel can’t answer that the way he needs to without lying, and he isn’t much of a liar. “The modifications for Lucifer and Michael are most likely much more extreme than those for standard Angels. For all we know, once they’re done you won’t be recognizable as having ever been human.”
“It’s not happening, Sammy,” Dean adds, and that’s the end of the conversation.
---
“You will have to sleep eventually, Dean,” Castiel says later, leaning against the wall while Dean focuses on the ship’s navigation controls. Sam is supposed to be asleep, but Castiel knows the younger Winchester is just biding his time. Dean knows it too.
“And when I do, he’ll take us back to Earth,” Dean replies sharply. “Or you will.”
That stings, but Dean isn’t done. “You think I’m stupid, Cas? It isn’t a coincidence that you found us when you did. You were looking for us, because you’re working for Zachariah. So you can get the hell out of my cockpit.”
“Dean…” Castiel starts, but in an instant the man is out of his chair and pointing a gun at Castiel.
“Don’t, okay? Just don’t.”
So Castiel doesn’t.
Dean isn’t entirely wrong, though, and when Sam sneaks into the cockpit after Dean’s fallen asleep, Castiel doesn’t stop him.
"Into the Nothing", Breaking Benjamin
Stay with me
You're all I have left
Sam locks Dean and Castiel in the cargo bay.
“You could have stopped him,” Dean yells when he wakes up and finds out what happened. “You still can; you can tear into there and get him away from those controls!”
But Castiel doesn’t. Their travel time blurs together for him, days of Dean pacing back and forth, alternating between loudly berating everyone he’s ever known and furious muttering. Castiel just sits in a corner, thinking.
Finally one morning Dean wakes up to a silent ship, the engine turned off completely. The cargo bay door isn’t locked anymore, and Sam isn’t on the ship at all.
They check the news reports, but there’s nothing about Sam Winchester. Instead there’s an announcement that a new Angel has been put in charge of the armies, one named Michael. Castiel doesn’t know the boy - he can’t be out of his early twenties - and nothing comes to him as they watch the videos featuring Michael and the President shaking hands, Zachariah standing behind them looking smug.
When Lucifer appears on the news, it’s as the head of the enemy’s new army - one made up of modified humans the newscasters are calling Demons. Castiel supposes that fits. He can’t heal even the most minor of injuries now, and his own (living on a ship isn’t without dangers, after all) heal no faster than Dean’s.
He wouldn’t leave Dean now, even if he was asked to. But Dean doesn’t ask.
"Ruska", Apocalyptica
(instrumental)
“You let him leave. You knew how I felt about it, and you let him go. I thought you were different, Cas.”
“No, Dean, you didn’t. There may have been a moment where you thought of me as something other than an Angel working for the person you hate most, but the rest of the time…” Castiel takes a deep breath. “I don’t agree with all of Zachariah’s policies, but maybe, if Sam joins the front lines, he can find a way to end this war. If you join, you could help him.”
“Is that what you want? For me and Sam to become super soldiers? What do we do when the war’s over, Cas? Because once we’re modified, that’s it. We’re Angels for the rest of our lives.”
“No, you’re not,” Castiel says quietly, and Dean’s eyes narrow.
“What do you mean?”
“Each day that goes by, I lose a little more of my enhanced abilities. Soon I’ll be as human as you are.”
Dean looks nonplussed at that. “… Why?”
“I don’t know. It may have something to do with being cut off from other Angels; it may just be me. I don’t know,” he repeats, and Dean moves closer - not enough to really be in Castiel’s personal space yet, but almost. Given how many times Castiel has done that to Dean, it’s not that odd. “The only thing I’m certain of anymore is you.”
“That’s great for you, Cas, but… we’ve got a long way to go before I trust you again.”
---
Two years later, Castiel wonders if Michael found Lucifer because he and Dean did.
He doesn’t know exactly what modifications either Angel has only because he never knew it; if he’d known before he would still remember. Lucifer’s telekinesis is an unpleasant surprise. His rage when Castiel manages to knock Michael out of the fight is equally unexpected. The last thing Castiel hears is Dean’s voice.
---
Mornings were quiet on their ship. They had picked up John Winchester’s former colleague Bobby Singer a few months ago, and he had been an asset as far as keeping the ship in good shape went. He was wary of Castiel, even though Dean has assured him than the ex-Angel wasn’t going to harm either of them. Castiel felt that statement was true only to the extent that he wouldn’t do anything to Bobby as long as Bobby never did anything to Dean, but he never voiced that opinion.
Mornings would find Dean and Castiel sharing a bed, invading each other’s personal space and breathing the same air. Bobby called them a pair of saps. Dean would grumble a little every time it happened, but Castiel didn’t mind.
---
Anyone who reads the newsfiles knows that Sam and Dean Winchesters are the heroes who ended the war. None of those people know how the brothers did it, but that’s the story they were given. There are pictures of them with the President and all sorts of other famous people, and rumors fly about celebrities dating either of them.
No one who reads the newsfiles knows the name Castiel, and the handful of people who know the name Jimmy Novak don’t know about the connection.
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Dean/Castiel, mostly pre-slash
Word Count: 3266
Warnings: Character death at the end.
Summary: Fic-mix for merngel; part of the deancastiel Everlasting Birthday Challenge.
AN: Eventually I am going to come back to this and make something even more epic out of it, but for now... Happy birthday, merngel! I hope you have a great one!
The mix that accompanies this fic can be downloaded here.
"Refuse/Resist", Apocalyptica
(instrumental)
Anyone who reads the newsfiles-and reading the daily news is practically mandatory; with the most popular companies, whichever one you’ve subscribed to will pop up on your phone’s repeatedly until you’ve at least scrolled through it-will tell you that Dean Winchester and his brother Sam are cowards. Their father helped to create the Angel program, humanity’s greatest advantage in the previously perilously one-sided war, and instead of accepting their draft cards and joining the army like proper citizens, the Winchester brothers went into hiding. The person who tells you that will also repeat other reassurances they’ve gotten from the newsfiles: the war is going well, the casualties are not unusually high, the Winchester brothers are dangerous criminals but they’ll be found soon, and there is nothing wrong with the Angel program. Of course the enemy isn’t doing their own human modification. None of the newsfile companies ever say that the war will end within any set period of time. Any reporter foolish enough to be optimistic about it would be quietly dismissed; any stupid enough to be honest would disappear altogether.
Anyone who reads the newsfiles wouldn’t be able to tell you exactly who the enemy is. The reports aren’t quite clear on that topic, and no one asks. Everyone knows that asking too many questions gets funny looks from whoever you’re asking if you’re lucky, and a mark on your record if you’re not. People don’t like to think about what happens if there are too many marks on someone’s record. Rumor has it that the Winchester brothers have fifty-three marks on their records between them. That’s how it goes; people start asking questions and other people change the subject. So no one really knows who the enemy is, and who’s to say that they actually want to find out? That’s for the drafted Angels and the government to worry about.
The Angel project began more than twenty years before the current war officially broke out, but it was mostly pages of theoretical research until a year into the war, when things were starting to go pear-shaped. Two years after that, a few soldiers were selected to test the process of modification. When none of them died right away, the draft was implemented. The word “draft” had negative connotations, but the government (and the newsfiles they were leaning on) made it clear that not everyone was going to be drafted-there were plenty of ways someone could be exempt, but once the draft card came that was it. If they didn’t report to the specified location within the specified time period, they would be tracked down and forced to report for modification. No one tried to run, until the Winchester brothers: when anyone in the world could be tracked through their phone at the least and the ID cards needed for any kind of purchase, who would have been dumb enough to try?
---
Sam’s draft card was uplinked to his phone twenty-four hours after Dean received his. They’d spoken by video-call only a few hours after Dean got the news; Dean had tried to act like it wasn’t a big deal so Sam would stay in California and not worry, but Sam wasn’t buying any of it. They both knew more about the Angel project and the war than any civilian ought to, and it was only out of public respect for their father that the two men hadn’t been hauled in long before this-Dean especially, since he appeared to be determined to finish his father’s research using John Winchester’s less orthodox methods. Sam had been content to attend college and apply to law school, which seemed like enough to keep the government off both their backs. Apparently it wasn’t.
John Winchester had several partners when he worked on the Angel project prior to his death. Bobby Singer had handed in his resignation the day after the accident, while Zachariah Adler took over. Zachariah was the one who had brought the project to the attention of the government and presented it as a plausible enhancement for the army. Dean had met Zachariah when he was seventeen and interning at the lab for the summer, and he hadn’t liked the man then. He cursed Zachariah’s name repeatedly when Sam’s draft card came.
Neither of them showed up for their appointments. Instead, Dean drove like a bat out of hell to get to Sam, and then he loaded up their father’s old Impala class ship with all of the supplies they could manage before they got the fuck off the planet. In hindsight, maybe turning himself and his brother into inter-planetary fugitives who had to avoid both sides of a war wasn’t Dean’s best idea. But it was better than being turned into Angels. Dean’s fairly certain that a whole lot of effort isn’t put into finding them, because it takes six months after they leave before someone does.
"Re-Evolve", 30 Seconds to Mars
Does it feel like we've never been alive?
Does it seem like it's only just begun?
There are times, times that he never talks about, where Castiel remembers being human. He had a different name, and a family. He was just a normal person. He didn’t have the accelerated healing abilities, improved strength, and the myriad of other abilities his body was enhanced with when he was drafted almost a year ago. He wonders if Amelia knows that he’s still alive, or if she considered him dead the moment the draft card came. He wonders if Claire is passing Algebra - she was always smart, but math wasn’t her forte. He knows he’s not supposed to remember any of these things, much less think about them, and he wonders if that means something went wrong when he was modified. If he tells someone, will it be fixed, or do all of the other Angels remember too, and they just pretend they don’t? They don’t talk about things. Instead Anael gives orders, and the rest of the garrison follows them.
One day Anael disappears, and no one talks about it. They’re all transferred to different garrisons, except for Castiel.
---
“I have a special assignment for you,” Zachariah tells Castiel when the Angel is called into his office in Chicago. There is something off about Zachariah; Castiel can sense that the man isn’t fully human, but that doesn’t make any sense. Angels are used as soldiers, not as politicians and bureaucrats. He wonders if there’s any truth to the rumors that Zachariah had Angel modifications performed on himself before he remembers again that he’s not supposed to wonder about things.
“I want you to go after the Winchesters,” Zachariah continues. “I want you to get close to them, make them think you’re their friend if you have to, and then I want you to bring them here.”
Castiel is surprised. “Why are they so important?” slips out of his mouth, because it’s a genuine question. Yes, the Angel project was created by John Winchester, but his sons weren’t involved with it.
Zachariah just smiles. “I think you already know the answer to that question.”
And suddenly he does. Every set of modifications is different, and there are two sets of plans with Sam and Dean Winchester’s names on them. At least, the brothers’ future names are on those plans. Zachariah needs the brothers to sign their consent forms, once they’re brought in, but there are ways of making that happen. The most important thing is that he has them. And it’s Castiel’s job to make that happen.
"Assassin", Muse
Whatever they say
These people are torn
Dean is just shy of dead when he and Castiel meet for the first time on a planet that’s never had a name that didn’t reference Hell. Castiel tells himself that he healed Dean completely because it was part of the job, but he could have easily healed Dean enough to get him to the nearest Earth government outpost, and then been done with it all. Sam wasn’t in any more condition to protest at the time than Dean was. The brothers would have been modified, and Castiel would have been sent back to the fighting, probably to the front lines. He’d have died in battle. He still might, but…
“Please help us,” Sam had asked.
Castiel saw Dean for the first time, and said, “Okay.”
The handprint on Dean’s shoulder was an accident, and five days later Castiel still isn’t sure how it could have been prevented. Or undone. He doesn’t know why the brothers allowed him on their ship, or why Sam talks to him like he trusts the Angel. Dean is still a little hostile, and that bothers Castiel more than he would have admitted even when he was human.
It would be so easy to get up when Sam and Dean are sleeping, redirect the ship, and turn the Winchesters in like he was told to. He doesn’t.
"(Don’t Fear) The Reaper", Pierce the Veil
All our times have come
Here but now they're gone
“Why are you still with us?” Dean asks a week after he nearly died, on a night (figuratively, since they’re traveling and time is much more relative in space) when he and Castiel are in the cockpit while Sam sleeps somewhere in the cargo bay. Impala class ships aren’t all that large, so there aren’t really any quarters for even the crew, and checking into too many spaceports is just asking to get themselves caught. Of course, so is traveling around with an Angel. “You could have turned us in by now, if you wanted to.”
Castiel doesn’t know how to answer. He’s started wondering about things again, and he knows that’s not necessarily a good thing. So he goes with a simple truth that doesn’t tell Dean everything. “I don’t want to.”
---
Sam didn’t notice the first time Dean stared at Castiel for a few seconds too long - Castiel has stared at Dean for longer than most people would stare at someone since the moment they met him, but it was easy at first to chalk it up to the fact that Castiel was still trying to figure them out. Maybe Dean is trying to figure the Angel out now. It’s not as weird to look up and see them looking at each other when they think the other one isn’t looking as it is to see them both with their gazes locked on each other all the freakin’ time.
“Jeez, why don’t you two just make out already and get it over with!” And wow, he did not need that mental image. But now they’re staring at him instead of each other.
---
They run into an Angel from Castiel’s old garrison when they stop for fuel and supplies. The Angel recognizes the brothers and Castiel, and he doesn’t understand why Castiel is with the Winchesters. When he tries to contact the head of his new garrison, Castiel disables his phone. When he fights back, Castiel disables the Angel, but not before other Angel manages an attack that would have been fatal to a human. As it is, Castiel is healed before his enemy - just that thought is enough to rock the foundations of his faith - hits the ground. That doesn’t stop the fear in Dean and Sam’s voices as they leave, or Dean’s frantic pawing at Castiel’s torso (to be sure, he says). It doesn’t stop them, hours later, from standing in each other’s space and breathing the same air, just confirming that they’re both alive.
They’ve known each other less than two weeks. It isn’t supposed to be like this. Jimmy Novak was married - is still technically married, since there was no death certificate. Castiel isn’t really Jimmy Novak.
“Cas,” Dean whispers, and Castiel stops over-analyzing and just breathes.
"Waiting For the End", Linkin Park
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn't so
They run into another Angel at the next port. This time Castiel kills him.
He’s losing strength - he can feel it, slowly leaving him. Just the strength his modifications give him, not his life, or so he hopes. Healing has become harder too, so he tries to hide his injuries from Dean. He’s pretty sure Dean sees anyway.
---
“Why us?” Sam asks. “I mean, couldn’t they just put those modifications on someone else?”
“The Lucifer modifications have been applied to other people,” Castiel admits. He can’t explain how he knows things; it’s part of his own modifications, he supposes. “They… didn’t survive.”
“Son of a bitch,” Dean mutters. “And you guys want to put Sam through that?”
His phrasing hits Castiel the wrong way, because suddenly Dean has lumped him back with the rest of the Angels and the government officials running the program. “You interned with your father’s company when you were younger, Dean. You should know that every Angel modification is designed individually. The Lucifer and Michael modifications are the first I’ve heard of to be designed before a recipient was selected.”
“I don’t think they were,” Sam says, and the other two look at him. “I mean, our dad worked on the Angel project.”
To say Dean frowns at that is something of an understatement. “You think Dad designed those modifications for us?”
“No, no. But think about it, Dean. Zachariah worked with Dad before he took over the project. He could have easily designed modifications with us in mind.”
“Great,” Dean scoffed. “So what do we do about it?”
“If Zachariah has in fact applied modifications to himself, the three of us would be no match for him, presuming we could get to him at all. He has guards who are most likely Angels as well.”
“So one of us gets modified,” Sam answers.
“Hell no,” Dean responds immediately. “The whole point of this was that neither of us does what that douchebag wants.”
“Dean is right. If either of you were modified, you would lose your memories of being who you are now.”
“So you don’t remember being human?” Sam shoots back.
Castiel can’t answer that the way he needs to without lying, and he isn’t much of a liar. “The modifications for Lucifer and Michael are most likely much more extreme than those for standard Angels. For all we know, once they’re done you won’t be recognizable as having ever been human.”
“It’s not happening, Sammy,” Dean adds, and that’s the end of the conversation.
---
“You will have to sleep eventually, Dean,” Castiel says later, leaning against the wall while Dean focuses on the ship’s navigation controls. Sam is supposed to be asleep, but Castiel knows the younger Winchester is just biding his time. Dean knows it too.
“And when I do, he’ll take us back to Earth,” Dean replies sharply. “Or you will.”
That stings, but Dean isn’t done. “You think I’m stupid, Cas? It isn’t a coincidence that you found us when you did. You were looking for us, because you’re working for Zachariah. So you can get the hell out of my cockpit.”
“Dean…” Castiel starts, but in an instant the man is out of his chair and pointing a gun at Castiel.
“Don’t, okay? Just don’t.”
So Castiel doesn’t.
Dean isn’t entirely wrong, though, and when Sam sneaks into the cockpit after Dean’s fallen asleep, Castiel doesn’t stop him.
"Into the Nothing", Breaking Benjamin
Stay with me
You're all I have left
Sam locks Dean and Castiel in the cargo bay.
“You could have stopped him,” Dean yells when he wakes up and finds out what happened. “You still can; you can tear into there and get him away from those controls!”
But Castiel doesn’t. Their travel time blurs together for him, days of Dean pacing back and forth, alternating between loudly berating everyone he’s ever known and furious muttering. Castiel just sits in a corner, thinking.
Finally one morning Dean wakes up to a silent ship, the engine turned off completely. The cargo bay door isn’t locked anymore, and Sam isn’t on the ship at all.
They check the news reports, but there’s nothing about Sam Winchester. Instead there’s an announcement that a new Angel has been put in charge of the armies, one named Michael. Castiel doesn’t know the boy - he can’t be out of his early twenties - and nothing comes to him as they watch the videos featuring Michael and the President shaking hands, Zachariah standing behind them looking smug.
When Lucifer appears on the news, it’s as the head of the enemy’s new army - one made up of modified humans the newscasters are calling Demons. Castiel supposes that fits. He can’t heal even the most minor of injuries now, and his own (living on a ship isn’t without dangers, after all) heal no faster than Dean’s.
He wouldn’t leave Dean now, even if he was asked to. But Dean doesn’t ask.
"Ruska", Apocalyptica
(instrumental)
“You let him leave. You knew how I felt about it, and you let him go. I thought you were different, Cas.”
“No, Dean, you didn’t. There may have been a moment where you thought of me as something other than an Angel working for the person you hate most, but the rest of the time…” Castiel takes a deep breath. “I don’t agree with all of Zachariah’s policies, but maybe, if Sam joins the front lines, he can find a way to end this war. If you join, you could help him.”
“Is that what you want? For me and Sam to become super soldiers? What do we do when the war’s over, Cas? Because once we’re modified, that’s it. We’re Angels for the rest of our lives.”
“No, you’re not,” Castiel says quietly, and Dean’s eyes narrow.
“What do you mean?”
“Each day that goes by, I lose a little more of my enhanced abilities. Soon I’ll be as human as you are.”
Dean looks nonplussed at that. “… Why?”
“I don’t know. It may have something to do with being cut off from other Angels; it may just be me. I don’t know,” he repeats, and Dean moves closer - not enough to really be in Castiel’s personal space yet, but almost. Given how many times Castiel has done that to Dean, it’s not that odd. “The only thing I’m certain of anymore is you.”
“That’s great for you, Cas, but… we’ve got a long way to go before I trust you again.”
---
Two years later, Castiel wonders if Michael found Lucifer because he and Dean did.
He doesn’t know exactly what modifications either Angel has only because he never knew it; if he’d known before he would still remember. Lucifer’s telekinesis is an unpleasant surprise. His rage when Castiel manages to knock Michael out of the fight is equally unexpected. The last thing Castiel hears is Dean’s voice.
---
Mornings were quiet on their ship. They had picked up John Winchester’s former colleague Bobby Singer a few months ago, and he had been an asset as far as keeping the ship in good shape went. He was wary of Castiel, even though Dean has assured him than the ex-Angel wasn’t going to harm either of them. Castiel felt that statement was true only to the extent that he wouldn’t do anything to Bobby as long as Bobby never did anything to Dean, but he never voiced that opinion.
Mornings would find Dean and Castiel sharing a bed, invading each other’s personal space and breathing the same air. Bobby called them a pair of saps. Dean would grumble a little every time it happened, but Castiel didn’t mind.
---
Anyone who reads the newsfiles knows that Sam and Dean Winchesters are the heroes who ended the war. None of those people know how the brothers did it, but that’s the story they were given. There are pictures of them with the President and all sorts of other famous people, and rumors fly about celebrities dating either of them.
No one who reads the newsfiles knows the name Castiel, and the handful of people who know the name Jimmy Novak don’t know about the connection.