WARNING: I'm emotional. This isn't directed at anyone in particular.
....I used to write so much when I was little. I was such an angsty kid grown into a worse teenager. I miss it. It was my outlet. However, in the last 5-10 years I've grown so much as a person and I'm so incredibly proud of myself. I've learned so much and I'm such a stronger person for it. I'm such a better person for it. This is my attempt to recreate that outlet.
In the last year or so I've been through a lot. Things that have shaped me to be even more of a stronger person than I've ever had to be. I've had to fight to be heard, I've had to hurt people I love. I've had to hurt myself in the process. There have been times when all I've wanted to do was curl up and hope everyone forgot about me, because I just couldn't bother with anyone anymore. I just wanted to be left alone. Reality finally started to sink in when my father died last February. I had to pick myself up the day after his funeral and go back to work; there wasn't any other choice. I had to stand up for me, and I had to, as they say "do me." While I'm so proud of my ability to be responsible and take care of shit (thanks Dad :)), sometimes I wonder if it'll ever be my turn to be "taken care of." I don't mean that in a relationship-sense, necessarily..but when will someone go to work for me? When will someone fight for me? When will someone love me the way I've loved them? When can I stop having to be the strong one?
I realize that life isn't all ideal situations; we're going to hurt once in a while. It makes us stronger. And if there's anything I've learned, it's that tomorrow is a new day, and I will have the chance to make a change.
But I've also learned that tomorrow isn't promised, either. I need to start stepping up and making the right moves for me. Following isn't gonna cut it anymore. So for those of you out there who aren't here for me, well, I'm sorry. I loved you as fully as I was able, or was there for you as much as I could be. While I'll never let you go completely, it's time for me to put you behind me. Put everything behind me. I've already begun making decisions in my life that could lead to serious changes. I want that. I'm tired of feeling like I'm making steps to the left or right, and not forward. I'm leading the dance now.
Who knows what tomorrow brings? I sure don't.
But I do hope I have the courage to face it head on.
In the last year or so I've been through a lot. Things that have shaped me to be even more of a stronger person than I've ever had to be. I've had to fight to be heard, I've had to hurt people I love. I've had to hurt myself in the process. There have been times when all I've wanted to do was curl up and hope everyone forgot about me, because I just couldn't bother with anyone anymore. I just wanted to be left alone. Reality finally started to sink in when my father died last February. I had to pick myself up the day after his funeral and go back to work; there wasn't any other choice. I had to stand up for me, and I had to, as they say "do me." While I'm so proud of my ability to be responsible and take care of shit (thanks Dad :)), sometimes I wonder if it'll ever be my turn to be "taken care of." I don't mean that in a relationship-sense, necessarily..but when will someone go to work for me? When will someone fight for me? When will someone love me the way I've loved them? When can I stop having to be the strong one?
I realize that life isn't all ideal situations; we're going to hurt once in a while. It makes us stronger. And if there's anything I've learned, it's that tomorrow is a new day, and I will have the chance to make a change.
But I've also learned that tomorrow isn't promised, either. I need to start stepping up and making the right moves for me. Following isn't gonna cut it anymore. So for those of you out there who aren't here for me, well, I'm sorry. I loved you as fully as I was able, or was there for you as much as I could be. While I'll never let you go completely, it's time for me to put you behind me. Put everything behind me. I've already begun making decisions in my life that could lead to serious changes. I want that. I'm tired of feeling like I'm making steps to the left or right, and not forward. I'm leading the dance now.
Who knows what tomorrow brings? I sure don't.
But I do hope I have the courage to face it head on.