Musings on advertising
Studying english does make you read everything you see slightly differently. Mind you, England is a fascinating place to view packaging. They really have gotten it all down to a fine art.
I bought a scotch egg. The packaging does not allow me to see the contents, let's face it a scotch egg is not very pretty. But it does have a photograph of a scotch egg cut in half on it... the egg yolk perfectly placed in the centre of the rustically rough mince, and the perfectly smoothly cut egg white. A few artfully placed crumbs lie beside the egg. The label says “A fresh whole egg (as if they had the option of using a stale partial egg) wrapped in premium seasoned pork mince with a light golden crumb”. Not just an egg, but a whole egg, and a fresh one too. Not just wrapped (lovingly I assume) pork, but premium pork, and not just crumbed, but lightly golden. Turn over the package. Here you find facts such as ingredients, storage and serving suggestion, and access to feedback.
Well, the ingredients list is entitled “The ingredients we used to make your day”.
The storage instructions read:
Where to put this egg (apart from your stomach!)
Fridge. good. Airing cupboard, bad.
Seriously, that is what it says! Then serving:
Serving suggestion perfection
Remove scotch egg from fridge, wait 15 agonisingly long minutes, eat.Lastly, the satisfaction guarantee:
How was it for you?
If this scotch egg's in anything other than great shape, and you're less than delighted, don't make allowances or excuses for it. Tell our horrified customer service department when and where you bought it, quoting ref. NO 013 and use by date.
Not just customer service, no no no, we have a horrified customer service department!
(It is quite a decent scotch egg by the way)
But EVERYTHING in the supermarket was like this. My pre-made butternut soup is “An East Coast secret; unexpectedly light and smooth, with warm cumin, peppy paprika, and a flash of mango”. It has a personality too you know. Let me give you some more of the labelling:
Any allergies? I contain celery and milk. I've been known to hang around near Nuts, Peanuts and Sesame Seeds, and I may contain them as well.
Let's Chill. Keep me in the fridge, eat me within 3 days of opening and use me by the date on the lid
Freezing me? Best do it right now and eat me within a month
Microwave cooking instructions take off my lid, rest it back on top and stand me on a plate in the microwave. Make sure I'm nice and hot before serving
From Frozen: defrost me fully and follow the same cooking instructions as above. Don't refreeze
OUCH! My pot can get a little wobbly when it's hot, so stand me on a plate when you're reheating and mind your fingers when you pick me up.
Hob cooking instructions
Pour me into a saucepan, then heat at medium temperature for 5 to 6 minutes, stirring frequently. Letting me boil over will spoil my GLORIOUS flavours, so don't overdo it
(note, all the the capitals above are as they wrote them, and the missing full stops after 'refreeze' and 'overdo it' are also theirs.
It is vegetable soup, but I suddenly feel guilty about eating my dear little anthropomorphic meal.
My sausages, sorry that should be my BRITISH pork and apple sausages are “specially selected cuts of prime British pork with Granny Smith apples and seasoned with black pepper and coriander”.
Quite quite fascinating. Let me finish off with an illustration of dodgy claims. I bought some hot cross buns. Tell me what the problems are...
I bought a scotch egg. The packaging does not allow me to see the contents, let's face it a scotch egg is not very pretty. But it does have a photograph of a scotch egg cut in half on it... the egg yolk perfectly placed in the centre of the rustically rough mince, and the perfectly smoothly cut egg white. A few artfully placed crumbs lie beside the egg. The label says “A fresh whole egg (as if they had the option of using a stale partial egg) wrapped in premium seasoned pork mince with a light golden crumb”. Not just an egg, but a whole egg, and a fresh one too. Not just wrapped (lovingly I assume) pork, but premium pork, and not just crumbed, but lightly golden. Turn over the package. Here you find facts such as ingredients, storage and serving suggestion, and access to feedback.
Well, the ingredients list is entitled “The ingredients we used to make your day”.
The storage instructions read:
Where to put this egg (apart from your stomach!)
Fridge. good. Airing cupboard, bad.
Seriously, that is what it says! Then serving:
Serving suggestion perfection
Remove scotch egg from fridge, wait 15 agonisingly long minutes, eat.Lastly, the satisfaction guarantee:
How was it for you?
If this scotch egg's in anything other than great shape, and you're less than delighted, don't make allowances or excuses for it. Tell our horrified customer service department when and where you bought it, quoting ref. NO 013 and use by date.
Not just customer service, no no no, we have a horrified customer service department!
(It is quite a decent scotch egg by the way)
But EVERYTHING in the supermarket was like this. My pre-made butternut soup is “An East Coast secret; unexpectedly light and smooth, with warm cumin, peppy paprika, and a flash of mango”. It has a personality too you know. Let me give you some more of the labelling:
Any allergies? I contain celery and milk. I've been known to hang around near Nuts, Peanuts and Sesame Seeds, and I may contain them as well.
Let's Chill. Keep me in the fridge, eat me within 3 days of opening and use me by the date on the lid
Freezing me? Best do it right now and eat me within a month
Microwave cooking instructions take off my lid, rest it back on top and stand me on a plate in the microwave. Make sure I'm nice and hot before serving
From Frozen: defrost me fully and follow the same cooking instructions as above. Don't refreeze
OUCH! My pot can get a little wobbly when it's hot, so stand me on a plate when you're reheating and mind your fingers when you pick me up.
Hob cooking instructions
Pour me into a saucepan, then heat at medium temperature for 5 to 6 minutes, stirring frequently. Letting me boil over will spoil my GLORIOUS flavours, so don't overdo it
(note, all the the capitals above are as they wrote them, and the missing full stops after 'refreeze' and 'overdo it' are also theirs.
It is vegetable soup, but I suddenly feel guilty about eating my dear little anthropomorphic meal.
My sausages, sorry that should be my BRITISH pork and apple sausages are “specially selected cuts of prime British pork with Granny Smith apples and seasoned with black pepper and coriander”.
Quite quite fascinating. Let me finish off with an illustration of dodgy claims. I bought some hot cross buns. Tell me what the problems are...