Beauty In The Breakdown [2/?]
Title: Beauty In the Breakdown [2/?]
Pairing: Adam/Kris
Rating: PG13
WARNINGS: Possible triggers for people who have experiences associated with MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder) & detailed description of a panic attack. Readers' discretion is advised.
Word count: Not sure about this chapter alone, but 6010 for both this & chap. 1
Summary: " Adam let out a sound that was half chuckle, half choked-up sob. He wanted to call somebody. He needed help. All he wanted right now was for someone, anyone to recognize that something was wrong with him, tell him that he wasn’t being himself."
Disclaimer: I do not own these people, and this is only fiction - which means NOT TRUE. Srsly, I mean no offense.
Beta: The amazing & supportive laurahellomoto ; all left over mistakes are of course, mine
Author's Note: This started short but then exploded, like much of the stuff I do. Third chapter is written, but will be posted separately some time tomorrow since it's for !shw. This entire fic tho is for the "multiple personalities: always there" square of hc_bingo. If ur going to read, be prepared for boatloads of angst.
Lovely banner courtesy of the awesome artist/writer groffiction (Under the Cut) Prettiness~!!
2
The next two days passed in a haze. Everything felt blurred and unclear, like Adam was looking through some cracked and fogged up mirror. He watched as It lived his life and made no effort to step up and take control. Maybe this was for the best. Maybe everything would stop hurting so much and feeling so wrong if he just gave up the fight, just let It be.
Then on the third day, he snapped out of Its control. Not because he’d made the conscious choice, but because of what he’d found on the doorstep. One fucking knight in shining armor, staring at him, armed with a giant container of ice cream. Adam’s favorite flavor too.
Adam gawked. He thought that if he had a mirror right now, he’d probably be able to see his jaw drop inhumanly to the floor.
“Hey man, care to let me in? The ice cream’s ‘bout to melt.” Kris made it sound like it was no big deal, like he did this every day for every single one of his friends. Adam wouldn’t be surprised if he did, Kris was just a saint like that. But he personally did not have any friends that would just drop their jobs, let alone their newly wed wife because of one half-assed phone call. Except apparently he did, and that friend, who was willing to put up with all of his crap regardless, was standing right in front of him.
Adam moved over to let Kris in. His heart was beating faster than it should be.
“Is Katy cool with this?” He hated that the first thing he talked to Kris about, after the man clearly drove for hours just to see him (as could clearly be told by his tussled hair and the circles under his eyes), was Katy. But he couldn’t help himself, Adam was just masochistic like that.
“Um…” Kris looked a little sheepish and he put the ice cream in the fridge and got out a beer out for himself, “I hope?”
“What do you mean?” Adam was confused.
Kris blushed, and Adam missed seeing that sight so much. He missed seeing Kris so much. He was so busy staring at Kris’ raised eyebrows, squinted chocolate brown eyes, and that signature lopsided grin, that he hardly registered Kris’ next words at all, “Well, this was kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing. I uh - sneaked out while she was grocery shopping. Katy will understand though, she knows how much you mean to me.”
Adam knew the right thing to do now, if he was really Kris’ best friend, nothing more and nothing less, would be to slap the guy silly and send him straight back to Katy. He knew that the paps would find out sooner or later that Kris had come to visit him and then they’d jump on the news like sharks. He knew Kris’ marriage could very likely get wrecked.
All of this flashed through his head as he wrapped his arms around Kris’ stomach and hugged the man from behind, breathing in Kris’ scent.
It said a lot about Kris that the man put the bottle of beer on the counter instantly and turned around to hug back. Completely platonic of course. But still. Adam felt comforted and better than he had in days… Maybe even months.
Adam breathed in Kris’ unique scent. It was musky, an odd mix of cologne and sweat. “You stink,” he commented randomly. It was the truth after all and Kris deserved to know.
“Jerk.”
He didn’t know how long he stood there, just taking in Kris’ warmth and finding strength and support in Kris’ small but solid frame. Nothing, least of all the other man’s smell was going to keep him away. He did remember hearing a loud gurgling sound and then pulling away though. “Okay dude, how about some pizza?”
Kris punched him in the arm, and Adam laughed. The sound seemed foreign coming from his lips. But he actually laughed. Because that little action was so manly, so familiar, so Kris and it meant the world to Adam. It was like their friendship hadn’t changed at all, even after minimal contact in close to a year and a half. “Pepperoni, please. I’m starving!”
Adam chuckled, “Okay man, you just find yourself a seat and I’ll call, okay?”
Kris rubbed his hands together enthusiastically, licking his lips. Adam looked at those lips, at the ring on Kris’ hand, and then he headed for the phone in the next room.
The crush wasn’t going away anytime soon, and Adam loved Kris because it didn’t have to. Kris was accepting, he was fine with who Adam was. And that was all Adam needed right now. For somebody to be okay with him and not It. He felt better than he had in ages.
And that thought scared him.
Suddenly, in the middle of placing the order, Adam just stopped. Froze. His vision began to swim and he couldn’t get himself to focus again on whatever was being said on the phone. The receiver slipped through his fingers that suddenly seemed to lose all of their strength along with the rest of his body, and he just collapsed on the floor. Fell. Just like that.
He was sweating. Hyperventilating. Couldn’t breathe. He felt like there was something on top of his chest, pressing down and he was scared. So scared. His muscles tightened and he tried to move, but he couldn’t. Tears formed in his eyes.
Suddenly Kris was in front of him, holding him, his forehead wrinkled in extreme worry. Adam wanted to reach out a hand, smooth some strands of dark chestnut hair that were flying everywhere, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t do anything except try not to lose consciousness.
“Just breathe Adam. Please, please, please. Oh god, please just breathe.” Kris was gripping one of his hands tightly, and whispering so many words into his ears. Adam drew strength from those words, albeit only a little because they’d be gone soon enough; that realization being what sent him into panic mode in the first place. He didn’t want Kris to be concerned though, didn’t want to man to worry any more than was necessary. The bad thing? Adam was pretty sure that worrying was kind of more than necessary at this point.
Something was seriously wrong with him.
He didn’t count, didn’t know how long they stayed like that, Kris holding Adam against his chest in something like a half lying down, half sitting up position. But eventually Adam felt control over his limbs return and the first thing he did was wrap his arms around Kris comfortingly.
“It’s alright. I’m alright.” Adam wasn’t even sure who he was trying to convince at this point.
Kris drew them apart to stare deeply into Adam’s eyes, there was raw emotion in his next words, and Adam could almost feel his heart breaking, “Thank god, Adam, I was so scared. Please promise me you’ll never scare me like that again. Please.” Kris hugged him tight once more. He was begging, desperate for reassurance that Adam could not give.
Right then, Adam knew he could beg - beg for Kris to stay longer than a day and help him through this horrible, horrible phase in his life. He could imagine it right now in his head, confessing that the thought of Kris leaving at the end of the day had somehow made him lose himself; and then he would tell Kris, say that if he stayed maybe no more break downs like this would happen. And he also knew that Kris would, without a doubt, answer “yes”.
But he didn’t beg; he couldn’t bring himself to chain Kris down like that.
“M-maybe you should call for pizza? Apparently pepperoni has me traumatized.” Adam tried to make light of the situation, tried to crack a joke, but by the look on Kris’ face, this was clearly not the right time for laughs.
“Look, Adam, I know whatever’s going on is scary and things are going to get tough sometimes, but never and I mean, never, avoid the subject with me, okay?”
Adam nodded, feeling weak.
“Now then, tell me why you really had that break down.”
Adam shook his head.
“I understand that it could be personal, and that’s why you might not want to share it, but Adam - you, we, need to figure out the reason so that it doesn’t happen again. Oh god, I couldn’t bear to watch it happen to you again.” Adam felt Kris’ own breathing rate increase as he relived the memory of watching Adam go through that break down, “It was, I was just here and I didn’t know if anything I said was going through. I was considering calling the police Adam - I thought you were going t-to…”
Kris didn’t finish the sentence. He didn’t have to.
“I was scared.” Adam wasn’t going to cry. He wasn’t. But he could feel his cheeks getting progressively wetter. “I’m scared Kris, so scared of being alone.”
“But you aren’t alone, Adam,” Kris looked confused, “I’m here, right here.”
“Yeah, I guess I realized that a-and it’s okay now, really. Um. Trust me, I don’t break down like that on a regular basis. Please stop looking at me like I’m going to die any second now, Kris,” both of them flinched at this, “it’s probably just a one-time thing.” Adam wouldn’t meet Kris’ eyes though, and that pretty much gave away all his insecurities and doubts.
“You really don’t want to see a therapist?”
Adam shook his head adamantly and made a move to get up. He wobbled a little and Kris quickly steadied him with an arm. Kris had always had a penchant for touching, it was just his way to get a message across. At this moment in time, Kris’ firm hold on Adam indicated that he really was determined, and going to try his hardest to help Adam through this hell.
“Okay, Adam, just look at me. Look at me.” Kris hands were on his cheeks, turning him so that they were facing each other.
Adam did what he was told, his eyes locking with Kris’.
Kris’ gaze was steady, even though Adam could feel a little bit of a shake in the other man’s arms. He could tell that his earlier break down had really scared Kris. He felt guilty at the fact that more than a little bit of joy burst from his heart from knowing that Kris cared that much about him. Him, not It. Just regular Adam Lambert, the kid with too much freckles and a love for ice cream.
“We’re going to get you to the couch. You’re going to sit down and watch TV, just relax and eat some ice cream for a while. I’m going to go and get my luggage from the trunk. Then we’ll sit down and have a nice long talk about all of this, okay?”
Adam nodded mutely. Then what Kris was saying actually dawned on him. “Luggage?”
“Uh… Yeah. When I said it was a spur-of-the-moment thing, I was referring to the sneaking out. I actually started packing as soon as the phone call ended. I’m staying Adam,” the way Kris stood, straight and confident, left no room for debate. Clearly he had thought this through. Adam just hoped the man had made the right decision, “for as long as I need to, and we’re going to figure out all this shit, okay?”
Adam bit his lip and sat down on the couch.
“Okay Kris. Okay.”
Just before Kris left, he squeezed Adam’s bicep and kissed his forehead, “You should already know this, but I’ll say it anyways. Adam, you’re not alone. You’ll always have me.”
Until you leave. Adam didn’t say it though; he was far too relieved that Kris was apparently going to stay for more than a day. The guy had packed clothes, for heaven’s sake! Adam turned on the TV, but couldn’t focus on the program in front of him. All he wanted was Kris back here, beside him. He stood up and went to search for the man.
The suitcases were big. Adam wished with all his heart, though he knew that it couldn’t possibly happen, that Kris would move in with him. Permanently. Maybe then he could keep It under control. He didn’t know. All he knew was that Kris made him feel a lot more at peace that he had in a long, long time.
Kris took a much-needed shower, while Adam occupied himself with organizing Kris’ clothes into piles labeled ‘lame’ and ‘lamer’. Adam decided right then and there that regardless of how Kris intended to stay, he was going to take the man shopping. Day after tomorrow, because tomorrow he had an interview that he couldn’t cancel.
Adam didn’t even want to think about It.
When the delivery arrived, they ate pizza together. Then talked about the last year and a half. Kris’ life had been just as hectic as Adam’s since the end of the Idol tour, but he had managed to keep his head straight. Having Katy always on his side probably helped.
Speaking about the last year and a half made Adam realize just how little of it he remembered. It was scary, to say the least. The time just seemed to flow right through his fingers and no matter how he searched, only a grey fog would greet him. It was as if he’d been living disconnected, in some distant land, and only rarely got a few moments of clarity and control.
There were so many of Kris’ questions that he could not answer, but that didn’t stop the other man from trying. Kris just kept pushing and pushing, but Adam couldn’t give, no matter how much he wanted to. It got really frustrating for both of them at one point. Adam was glad though, that he could talk to Kris about this. The burden on his shoulders had been weighing him down for far too long, and he was grateful to be able to share some of it.
Kris had decided that maybe Adam would find it easier to talk if he was multi-tasking. Adam had suggested painting Kris’ thumb nail again.
“For old time’s sake,” He’d explained.
“Uh-huh, like hell I’d believe that. You just can’t stand to be around un-glamified people, can you?”
“Maybe.”
After two hours of talking, Kris finally said the words Adam had been waiting to hear, “Okay, Adam, I think we’ve done enough soul-searching for one day.” Adam took this to mean that he was going to be questioned more tomorrow and possibly the day after, and the day after that, until he got better. Personally, he thought that the talk with Kris had helped him realize just how big his problems were, but he was still no closer to solving them. “You got any good movies?”
Adam smiled, and asked hopefully, “Brokeback Mountain?” just because he loved to tease.
He got a peck on the cheek and a wide-ass grin as his response, “Read my mind, man. You’ve got to stop doing that or I’m going to start thinking you’re an alien.”
Adam chuckled, “No harm, no foul - half the world thinks that already.”
Kris shrugged, “And I don’t think they need any more encouragement. Popcorn?”
“Of course. I’ll get it! Just make yourself comfy on the couch.”
They both knew they weren’t really going to watch Brokeback Mountain, just like they both knew that the cuddling on the couch was never going to turn into anything more. Adam loved the fact that Kris was okay with him poking fun at both things though. He loved that the other man was accepting enough to even flirt back a little. He loved so much that it hurt.
The entire day felt like one fabulous dream bubble and Adam was so scared of it popping. Maybe tomorrow, he would wake up and Kris wouldn’t be here and he’d be miserable and It would erase his existence once and for all. Maybe.
But he pushed his fear down and snuggled closer to the unbelievably cuddly cushion known as Kris Allen. A couple of stray hairs tickled his nose, but he didn’t move away. All he cared about was the here and the now.
That night, Adam showed Kris to the guest bedroom. Kris had proceeded to stare at him like he was crazy. “Dude, are you serious? Is this all our friendship means to you?” and then Kris pouted and Adam couldn’t resist.
They shared a bed.
It wasn’t like it was a first time thing. Far from it. It had started weeks before the end of Idol, and all throughout the tour. Adam supposed that the habit had stayed with both of them. He had offered Kris the choice anyway, just so he didn’t feel weird about it later.
His mind automatically flashed back to the question some random reporter had thrown at both Kris and himself at the post-Idol press conference. It had been hilarious to watch Kris cover his blush and shy away like he had. There was nothing at all to hide, but Kris’ actions seemed to suggest otherwise. Adam had replayed the entire event about twenty times thanks to a magical invention known as Youtube.
“Who’s sexier naked?”
He had answered, without the least bit hesitation, “We don’t get naked together, sorry.”
If only they knew.
Adam loved sleeping naked. And since Kris was such an awesome guy, he naturally insisted that Adam not make an exception just because he was next to Kris. The first couple of times had been awkward, but once they got used to it, it was surprisingly comfortable. Kris of course, kept his briefs on, hence the quick answer on Adam’s part to that question.
If only they knew.
Adam loved playing with Kris’ hair. He loved stroking it and watching as the younger man slowly closed his eyes and relaxed into Adam’s touch. His breathing would steady and his sleeping face was absolutely priceless. In fact, Adam remembered actually taking a picture and keeping it on his phone for a while. But then he’d gotten paranoid and deleted it, afraid that if somebody found out it would ruin Kris’ life.
Normally Adam would fall asleep right after Kris, and since Kris was such a quick sleeper, practically snoring as soon as his head hit the pillow, there really was nothing to keep Adam up. But he’d been struck by insomnia for a while now, and it refused to go away.
Adam was too scared of what he might wake up to, so he guessed he unconsciously held onto consciousness even when the fatigue seemed far too overwhelming. He genuinely didn’t want to wake up next to some guy that It had slept with, somebody he didn’t even recognize. Such a thing had happened already far too many times for his liking.
He sighed, staring at Kris. His mind wandered without his permission to memories of their time together back on Idol. Especially that one day when their friendship had changed forever.
The day Adam had confessed his feelings.
Part 3A: kiri-no-yami.livejournal.com/4244.html
Pairing: Adam/Kris
Rating: PG13
WARNINGS: Possible triggers for people who have experiences associated with MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder) & detailed description of a panic attack. Readers' discretion is advised.
Word count: Not sure about this chapter alone, but 6010 for both this & chap. 1
Summary: " Adam let out a sound that was half chuckle, half choked-up sob. He wanted to call somebody. He needed help. All he wanted right now was for someone, anyone to recognize that something was wrong with him, tell him that he wasn’t being himself."
Disclaimer: I do not own these people, and this is only fiction - which means NOT TRUE. Srsly, I mean no offense.
Beta: The amazing & supportive laurahellomoto ; all left over mistakes are of course, mine
Author's Note: This started short but then exploded, like much of the stuff I do. Third chapter is written, but will be posted separately some time tomorrow since it's for !shw. This entire fic tho is for the "multiple personalities: always there" square of hc_bingo. If ur going to read, be prepared for boatloads of angst.
Lovely banner courtesy of the awesome artist/writer groffiction (Under the Cut) Prettiness~!!
2
The next two days passed in a haze. Everything felt blurred and unclear, like Adam was looking through some cracked and fogged up mirror. He watched as It lived his life and made no effort to step up and take control. Maybe this was for the best. Maybe everything would stop hurting so much and feeling so wrong if he just gave up the fight, just let It be.
Then on the third day, he snapped out of Its control. Not because he’d made the conscious choice, but because of what he’d found on the doorstep. One fucking knight in shining armor, staring at him, armed with a giant container of ice cream. Adam’s favorite flavor too.
Adam gawked. He thought that if he had a mirror right now, he’d probably be able to see his jaw drop inhumanly to the floor.
“Hey man, care to let me in? The ice cream’s ‘bout to melt.” Kris made it sound like it was no big deal, like he did this every day for every single one of his friends. Adam wouldn’t be surprised if he did, Kris was just a saint like that. But he personally did not have any friends that would just drop their jobs, let alone their newly wed wife because of one half-assed phone call. Except apparently he did, and that friend, who was willing to put up with all of his crap regardless, was standing right in front of him.
Adam moved over to let Kris in. His heart was beating faster than it should be.
“Is Katy cool with this?” He hated that the first thing he talked to Kris about, after the man clearly drove for hours just to see him (as could clearly be told by his tussled hair and the circles under his eyes), was Katy. But he couldn’t help himself, Adam was just masochistic like that.
“Um…” Kris looked a little sheepish and he put the ice cream in the fridge and got out a beer out for himself, “I hope?”
“What do you mean?” Adam was confused.
Kris blushed, and Adam missed seeing that sight so much. He missed seeing Kris so much. He was so busy staring at Kris’ raised eyebrows, squinted chocolate brown eyes, and that signature lopsided grin, that he hardly registered Kris’ next words at all, “Well, this was kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing. I uh - sneaked out while she was grocery shopping. Katy will understand though, she knows how much you mean to me.”
Adam knew the right thing to do now, if he was really Kris’ best friend, nothing more and nothing less, would be to slap the guy silly and send him straight back to Katy. He knew that the paps would find out sooner or later that Kris had come to visit him and then they’d jump on the news like sharks. He knew Kris’ marriage could very likely get wrecked.
All of this flashed through his head as he wrapped his arms around Kris’ stomach and hugged the man from behind, breathing in Kris’ scent.
It said a lot about Kris that the man put the bottle of beer on the counter instantly and turned around to hug back. Completely platonic of course. But still. Adam felt comforted and better than he had in days… Maybe even months.
Adam breathed in Kris’ unique scent. It was musky, an odd mix of cologne and sweat. “You stink,” he commented randomly. It was the truth after all and Kris deserved to know.
“Jerk.”
He didn’t know how long he stood there, just taking in Kris’ warmth and finding strength and support in Kris’ small but solid frame. Nothing, least of all the other man’s smell was going to keep him away. He did remember hearing a loud gurgling sound and then pulling away though. “Okay dude, how about some pizza?”
Kris punched him in the arm, and Adam laughed. The sound seemed foreign coming from his lips. But he actually laughed. Because that little action was so manly, so familiar, so Kris and it meant the world to Adam. It was like their friendship hadn’t changed at all, even after minimal contact in close to a year and a half. “Pepperoni, please. I’m starving!”
Adam chuckled, “Okay man, you just find yourself a seat and I’ll call, okay?”
Kris rubbed his hands together enthusiastically, licking his lips. Adam looked at those lips, at the ring on Kris’ hand, and then he headed for the phone in the next room.
The crush wasn’t going away anytime soon, and Adam loved Kris because it didn’t have to. Kris was accepting, he was fine with who Adam was. And that was all Adam needed right now. For somebody to be okay with him and not It. He felt better than he had in ages.
And that thought scared him.
Suddenly, in the middle of placing the order, Adam just stopped. Froze. His vision began to swim and he couldn’t get himself to focus again on whatever was being said on the phone. The receiver slipped through his fingers that suddenly seemed to lose all of their strength along with the rest of his body, and he just collapsed on the floor. Fell. Just like that.
He was sweating. Hyperventilating. Couldn’t breathe. He felt like there was something on top of his chest, pressing down and he was scared. So scared. His muscles tightened and he tried to move, but he couldn’t. Tears formed in his eyes.
Suddenly Kris was in front of him, holding him, his forehead wrinkled in extreme worry. Adam wanted to reach out a hand, smooth some strands of dark chestnut hair that were flying everywhere, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t do anything except try not to lose consciousness.
“Just breathe Adam. Please, please, please. Oh god, please just breathe.” Kris was gripping one of his hands tightly, and whispering so many words into his ears. Adam drew strength from those words, albeit only a little because they’d be gone soon enough; that realization being what sent him into panic mode in the first place. He didn’t want Kris to be concerned though, didn’t want to man to worry any more than was necessary. The bad thing? Adam was pretty sure that worrying was kind of more than necessary at this point.
Something was seriously wrong with him.
He didn’t count, didn’t know how long they stayed like that, Kris holding Adam against his chest in something like a half lying down, half sitting up position. But eventually Adam felt control over his limbs return and the first thing he did was wrap his arms around Kris comfortingly.
“It’s alright. I’m alright.” Adam wasn’t even sure who he was trying to convince at this point.
Kris drew them apart to stare deeply into Adam’s eyes, there was raw emotion in his next words, and Adam could almost feel his heart breaking, “Thank god, Adam, I was so scared. Please promise me you’ll never scare me like that again. Please.” Kris hugged him tight once more. He was begging, desperate for reassurance that Adam could not give.
Right then, Adam knew he could beg - beg for Kris to stay longer than a day and help him through this horrible, horrible phase in his life. He could imagine it right now in his head, confessing that the thought of Kris leaving at the end of the day had somehow made him lose himself; and then he would tell Kris, say that if he stayed maybe no more break downs like this would happen. And he also knew that Kris would, without a doubt, answer “yes”.
But he didn’t beg; he couldn’t bring himself to chain Kris down like that.
“M-maybe you should call for pizza? Apparently pepperoni has me traumatized.” Adam tried to make light of the situation, tried to crack a joke, but by the look on Kris’ face, this was clearly not the right time for laughs.
“Look, Adam, I know whatever’s going on is scary and things are going to get tough sometimes, but never and I mean, never, avoid the subject with me, okay?”
Adam nodded, feeling weak.
“Now then, tell me why you really had that break down.”
Adam shook his head.
“I understand that it could be personal, and that’s why you might not want to share it, but Adam - you, we, need to figure out the reason so that it doesn’t happen again. Oh god, I couldn’t bear to watch it happen to you again.” Adam felt Kris’ own breathing rate increase as he relived the memory of watching Adam go through that break down, “It was, I was just here and I didn’t know if anything I said was going through. I was considering calling the police Adam - I thought you were going t-to…”
Kris didn’t finish the sentence. He didn’t have to.
“I was scared.” Adam wasn’t going to cry. He wasn’t. But he could feel his cheeks getting progressively wetter. “I’m scared Kris, so scared of being alone.”
“But you aren’t alone, Adam,” Kris looked confused, “I’m here, right here.”
“Yeah, I guess I realized that a-and it’s okay now, really. Um. Trust me, I don’t break down like that on a regular basis. Please stop looking at me like I’m going to die any second now, Kris,” both of them flinched at this, “it’s probably just a one-time thing.” Adam wouldn’t meet Kris’ eyes though, and that pretty much gave away all his insecurities and doubts.
“You really don’t want to see a therapist?”
Adam shook his head adamantly and made a move to get up. He wobbled a little and Kris quickly steadied him with an arm. Kris had always had a penchant for touching, it was just his way to get a message across. At this moment in time, Kris’ firm hold on Adam indicated that he really was determined, and going to try his hardest to help Adam through this hell.
“Okay, Adam, just look at me. Look at me.” Kris hands were on his cheeks, turning him so that they were facing each other.
Adam did what he was told, his eyes locking with Kris’.
Kris’ gaze was steady, even though Adam could feel a little bit of a shake in the other man’s arms. He could tell that his earlier break down had really scared Kris. He felt guilty at the fact that more than a little bit of joy burst from his heart from knowing that Kris cared that much about him. Him, not It. Just regular Adam Lambert, the kid with too much freckles and a love for ice cream.
“We’re going to get you to the couch. You’re going to sit down and watch TV, just relax and eat some ice cream for a while. I’m going to go and get my luggage from the trunk. Then we’ll sit down and have a nice long talk about all of this, okay?”
Adam nodded mutely. Then what Kris was saying actually dawned on him. “Luggage?”
“Uh… Yeah. When I said it was a spur-of-the-moment thing, I was referring to the sneaking out. I actually started packing as soon as the phone call ended. I’m staying Adam,” the way Kris stood, straight and confident, left no room for debate. Clearly he had thought this through. Adam just hoped the man had made the right decision, “for as long as I need to, and we’re going to figure out all this shit, okay?”
Adam bit his lip and sat down on the couch.
“Okay Kris. Okay.”
Just before Kris left, he squeezed Adam’s bicep and kissed his forehead, “You should already know this, but I’ll say it anyways. Adam, you’re not alone. You’ll always have me.”
Until you leave. Adam didn’t say it though; he was far too relieved that Kris was apparently going to stay for more than a day. The guy had packed clothes, for heaven’s sake! Adam turned on the TV, but couldn’t focus on the program in front of him. All he wanted was Kris back here, beside him. He stood up and went to search for the man.
The suitcases were big. Adam wished with all his heart, though he knew that it couldn’t possibly happen, that Kris would move in with him. Permanently. Maybe then he could keep It under control. He didn’t know. All he knew was that Kris made him feel a lot more at peace that he had in a long, long time.
Kris took a much-needed shower, while Adam occupied himself with organizing Kris’ clothes into piles labeled ‘lame’ and ‘lamer’. Adam decided right then and there that regardless of how Kris intended to stay, he was going to take the man shopping. Day after tomorrow, because tomorrow he had an interview that he couldn’t cancel.
Adam didn’t even want to think about It.
When the delivery arrived, they ate pizza together. Then talked about the last year and a half. Kris’ life had been just as hectic as Adam’s since the end of the Idol tour, but he had managed to keep his head straight. Having Katy always on his side probably helped.
Speaking about the last year and a half made Adam realize just how little of it he remembered. It was scary, to say the least. The time just seemed to flow right through his fingers and no matter how he searched, only a grey fog would greet him. It was as if he’d been living disconnected, in some distant land, and only rarely got a few moments of clarity and control.
There were so many of Kris’ questions that he could not answer, but that didn’t stop the other man from trying. Kris just kept pushing and pushing, but Adam couldn’t give, no matter how much he wanted to. It got really frustrating for both of them at one point. Adam was glad though, that he could talk to Kris about this. The burden on his shoulders had been weighing him down for far too long, and he was grateful to be able to share some of it.
Kris had decided that maybe Adam would find it easier to talk if he was multi-tasking. Adam had suggested painting Kris’ thumb nail again.
“For old time’s sake,” He’d explained.
“Uh-huh, like hell I’d believe that. You just can’t stand to be around un-glamified people, can you?”
“Maybe.”
After two hours of talking, Kris finally said the words Adam had been waiting to hear, “Okay, Adam, I think we’ve done enough soul-searching for one day.” Adam took this to mean that he was going to be questioned more tomorrow and possibly the day after, and the day after that, until he got better. Personally, he thought that the talk with Kris had helped him realize just how big his problems were, but he was still no closer to solving them. “You got any good movies?”
Adam smiled, and asked hopefully, “Brokeback Mountain?” just because he loved to tease.
He got a peck on the cheek and a wide-ass grin as his response, “Read my mind, man. You’ve got to stop doing that or I’m going to start thinking you’re an alien.”
Adam chuckled, “No harm, no foul - half the world thinks that already.”
Kris shrugged, “And I don’t think they need any more encouragement. Popcorn?”
“Of course. I’ll get it! Just make yourself comfy on the couch.”
They both knew they weren’t really going to watch Brokeback Mountain, just like they both knew that the cuddling on the couch was never going to turn into anything more. Adam loved the fact that Kris was okay with him poking fun at both things though. He loved that the other man was accepting enough to even flirt back a little. He loved so much that it hurt.
The entire day felt like one fabulous dream bubble and Adam was so scared of it popping. Maybe tomorrow, he would wake up and Kris wouldn’t be here and he’d be miserable and It would erase his existence once and for all. Maybe.
But he pushed his fear down and snuggled closer to the unbelievably cuddly cushion known as Kris Allen. A couple of stray hairs tickled his nose, but he didn’t move away. All he cared about was the here and the now.
That night, Adam showed Kris to the guest bedroom. Kris had proceeded to stare at him like he was crazy. “Dude, are you serious? Is this all our friendship means to you?” and then Kris pouted and Adam couldn’t resist.
They shared a bed.
It wasn’t like it was a first time thing. Far from it. It had started weeks before the end of Idol, and all throughout the tour. Adam supposed that the habit had stayed with both of them. He had offered Kris the choice anyway, just so he didn’t feel weird about it later.
His mind automatically flashed back to the question some random reporter had thrown at both Kris and himself at the post-Idol press conference. It had been hilarious to watch Kris cover his blush and shy away like he had. There was nothing at all to hide, but Kris’ actions seemed to suggest otherwise. Adam had replayed the entire event about twenty times thanks to a magical invention known as Youtube.
“Who’s sexier naked?”
He had answered, without the least bit hesitation, “We don’t get naked together, sorry.”
If only they knew.
Adam loved sleeping naked. And since Kris was such an awesome guy, he naturally insisted that Adam not make an exception just because he was next to Kris. The first couple of times had been awkward, but once they got used to it, it was surprisingly comfortable. Kris of course, kept his briefs on, hence the quick answer on Adam’s part to that question.
If only they knew.
Adam loved playing with Kris’ hair. He loved stroking it and watching as the younger man slowly closed his eyes and relaxed into Adam’s touch. His breathing would steady and his sleeping face was absolutely priceless. In fact, Adam remembered actually taking a picture and keeping it on his phone for a while. But then he’d gotten paranoid and deleted it, afraid that if somebody found out it would ruin Kris’ life.
Normally Adam would fall asleep right after Kris, and since Kris was such a quick sleeper, practically snoring as soon as his head hit the pillow, there really was nothing to keep Adam up. But he’d been struck by insomnia for a while now, and it refused to go away.
Adam was too scared of what he might wake up to, so he guessed he unconsciously held onto consciousness even when the fatigue seemed far too overwhelming. He genuinely didn’t want to wake up next to some guy that It had slept with, somebody he didn’t even recognize. Such a thing had happened already far too many times for his liking.
He sighed, staring at Kris. His mind wandered without his permission to memories of their time together back on Idol. Especially that one day when their friendship had changed forever.
The day Adam had confessed his feelings.
Part 3A: kiri-no-yami.livejournal.com/4244.html