WTF
So, Colleen bought Breaking Dawn last night, the final book of the Twilight books. She finished it around 4 am this morning, and since I never intend to read it for snarking purposes, I made her tell me what happens.
SO. They get married after Bella graduates, go on their honeymoon in Puerto Rico or whatever.
Then the fun begins.
Bella and Edward have lots of sex. Congrats, fangirls, have your bad smut. EDIT: Apparently it is rough sex that is akin to beating her senseless, so of course she only wants to stay human to have MORE sex. And then she lies/cries for MORE sex from Edward. Uhhh, what?
And then Bella realizes she's a few days late for her period, but she's already suffering from morning sickness and mood swings.
Bella gets pregnant. With a half-vampire baby. And it fully gestates in a MONTH WTF. What The Fuck. There is much talk about ripping said baby out of her, but because that would hint at abortion and OMG Bella wants her monstrous little baby despite the fact that she JUST got out of highschool and that Edward tells her that at that rate, the baby will kill her. EDIT: And it's already breaking her ribs with it's kicks. What? No, really. The human body is not made for that sort of thing.
THEN. Then the baby is born. They name is Renesme Carlie, which is a mix of Bella and Edward's parent's names (Renee and Esme, and I know Bella's dad is named Charlie, at least). Obviously, everyone agrees that it is a BEYOOTIFUL name and one of a kind and special just like the baby. Lolololol.
EDIT: I hadn't read the birth scene until after I had listened to Colleen and typed this up, but, um. IT WAS A FUCKING HORROR SCENE WITH BITING OPEN THE PLACENTA AND BLOOD GUSHING EVERYWHERE AND SEIZURES AND BLOOD AND OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT THE HELL SMEYER WAS CHANNELING FUCKING H.P. EFFING LOVECRAFT FOR THIS AHAHAHHAHA. (There, I had my say.)
You think it can't get any worse? PFFFFFFFFFFFT. That's only the first half of the book.
Apparently Jacob narrates a good bit of it, which Colleen says is a relief because he's the only half-sane person in the entire book. So he's freaking because he heard that the half-vampire is invulnerable and he has dreams of Jacob ripping her out of Bella's belly with his fucking fangs, and then Bella has her baby but she's dying (uh, duh? They TOLD YOU) so they turn her into a vampire too. Enter about 3 pages of purple prose about how beautiful Bella is now. Apparently being turned into a vampire changes your bone structure and skin so much you cease to look like yourself and instead turn into a supermodel or whatever. And you get to be super-fast. And fly in pretty silk dresses. And be super-strong. And have super-angst.
Yeah.
And then the baby matures super-fast, so she looks 5 by the time she's a few months old. She's talking, intelligent, everything you would expect of bad RPers who get bored of playing through their characters with actual pregnancies or babies. Srsly. So "Nessie" the baby matures super-fast and grows older (until she looks like she's in her late teens or whatever, because what's the point of living forever if you aren't young and pretty? Duh.) and Jacob, who fell in love with Bella but was turned down, imprints Nessie as his soul mate.
Yes, his soul mate is the less-than-a-year-old daughter of his friend/crush. Let that sink in.
I...
...
...what?
What is this shit? What?
TL;DR : Stephanie Meyer probably just ruined her entire career. You can find a more engaging read by searching through Fanfiction.net. If even Colleen, the huge Twilight fangirl that she is, says that the plot is crap and she almost wants to rewrite the series to save the characters, then, yes, the book sucks.
I am totally hyped to read the Amazon reviews, myself. XD
SO. They get married after Bella graduates, go on their honeymoon in Puerto Rico or whatever.
Then the fun begins.
Bella and Edward have lots of sex. Congrats, fangirls, have your bad smut. EDIT: Apparently it is rough sex that is akin to beating her senseless, so of course she only wants to stay human to have MORE sex. And then she lies/cries for MORE sex from Edward. Uhhh, what?
And then Bella realizes she's a few days late for her period, but she's already suffering from morning sickness and mood swings.
Bella gets pregnant. With a half-vampire baby. And it fully gestates in a MONTH WTF. What The Fuck. There is much talk about ripping said baby out of her, but because that would hint at abortion and OMG Bella wants her monstrous little baby despite the fact that she JUST got out of highschool and that Edward tells her that at that rate, the baby will kill her. EDIT: And it's already breaking her ribs with it's kicks. What? No, really. The human body is not made for that sort of thing.
THEN. Then the baby is born. They name is Renesme Carlie, which is a mix of Bella and Edward's parent's names (Renee and Esme, and I know Bella's dad is named Charlie, at least). Obviously, everyone agrees that it is a BEYOOTIFUL name and one of a kind and special just like the baby. Lolololol.
EDIT: I hadn't read the birth scene until after I had listened to Colleen and typed this up, but, um. IT WAS A FUCKING HORROR SCENE WITH BITING OPEN THE PLACENTA AND BLOOD GUSHING EVERYWHERE AND SEIZURES AND BLOOD AND OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT THE HELL SMEYER WAS CHANNELING FUCKING H.P. EFFING LOVECRAFT FOR THIS AHAHAHHAHA. (There, I had my say.)
You think it can't get any worse? PFFFFFFFFFFFT. That's only the first half of the book.
Apparently Jacob narrates a good bit of it, which Colleen says is a relief because he's the only half-sane person in the entire book. So he's freaking because he heard that the half-vampire is invulnerable and he has dreams of Jacob ripping her out of Bella's belly with his fucking fangs, and then Bella has her baby but she's dying (uh, duh? They TOLD YOU) so they turn her into a vampire too. Enter about 3 pages of purple prose about how beautiful Bella is now. Apparently being turned into a vampire changes your bone structure and skin so much you cease to look like yourself and instead turn into a supermodel or whatever. And you get to be super-fast. And fly in pretty silk dresses. And be super-strong. And have super-angst.
Yeah.
And then the baby matures super-fast, so she looks 5 by the time she's a few months old. She's talking, intelligent, everything you would expect of bad RPers who get bored of playing through their characters with actual pregnancies or babies. Srsly. So "Nessie" the baby matures super-fast and grows older (until she looks like she's in her late teens or whatever, because what's the point of living forever if you aren't young and pretty? Duh.) and Jacob, who fell in love with Bella but was turned down, imprints Nessie as his soul mate.
Yes, his soul mate is the less-than-a-year-old daughter of his friend/crush. Let that sink in.
I...
...
...what?
What is this shit? What?
TL;DR : Stephanie Meyer probably just ruined her entire career. You can find a more engaging read by searching through Fanfiction.net. If even Colleen, the huge Twilight fangirl that she is, says that the plot is crap and she almost wants to rewrite the series to save the characters, then, yes, the book sucks.
I am totally hyped to read the Amazon reviews, myself. XD