Killed
DISCOVERY
God knew that I am going to be a non-conformist, someone who goes out of her way to do something, someone who's mind is set to believe the things laid out in front of her but I guess I could take someone as no one; confused? So am I. I once was a voiceless soul but now that my brains rewired after being confined in high school, I'm sensing great obstacles that would forever change my views in my life.
I sat in front of the computer and went through the task of "searching" the things that interests me. What started as fascination with double neck guitars soon turned into a creepy frenzy and urge to find suicide. And I found it.
Curiosity killed the cat. Or in my case, poisoned my mind. What I have read scared me, it scared the hell out of me. It made me want to wretched and throw out all the good things inside of me. Curiosity killed me. It killed me a long time ago. I could not imagine why people go to all lengths to end their life but I will not deny that I have not thought of it myself.
CONFESSIONS
Television. TV. A TV set is such an entertaining piece. My young mind discovered how to commit suicide by just watching TV. I was seven and in first grade. The moment I got backed up in a corner after I committed a crime and was trialled, suicide swallowed my mind. I had a razor nearby and tears running down my face from the corners of my eyes, the door locked, pounding on the other side...what's the best escape? Death. I was eight at that time.
Through the years, I have never did try but it always crossed my mind. Suicide. I kept thinking what would have happened if i have died? Would they cry for me? Will they remember me? I was thinking thought that should never cross my mind. I planned my death. Set the date, set the place, set the knife I am going to use...it was because that time, my parents kept fighting. They're not even my real parents but at least I consider them as mine. But when the day I have to do it, I couldn't. I though, what would happen to my parents when I'm gone? I did not commit suicide that day, instead I moved it up and saved it for later. I was fourteen. And I had a best friend who supported my suicide plans...
I'm in college now, still alive. But one day, I got so depressed I couldn't understand why. I cried myself to sleep, became an insomniac, searched for pills, asked for sleeping tablets, drugs, liquor...i just woke up one day to find myself like that already. It took a few months to get over from depression. I knew what went wrong. I was stressed. I got stressed from school, the demand of both teachers and students, the club, trouble with the discipline, trouble with family matters, financial matters, friendships...it got out of control because I never say my problems to anyone yet i listen to anyone's problems. Heck, I even cheer them up. After recovering, I made myself over.
One day, I bought a scissor. They were nice silver pair, shiny and sharp. I was sitting in class and not paying attention because my mind was racing and I got very angry at something. I got out of control that I suddenly looped my fingers around the handle and began cutting my wrist. I was in class. And in uniform. And my friends, they all watched in horror.
God knew that I am going to be a non-conformist, someone who goes out of her way to do something, someone who's mind is set to believe the things laid out in front of her but I guess I could take someone as no one; confused? So am I. I once was a voiceless soul but now that my brains rewired after being confined in high school, I'm sensing great obstacles that would forever change my views in my life.
I sat in front of the computer and went through the task of "searching" the things that interests me. What started as fascination with double neck guitars soon turned into a creepy frenzy and urge to find suicide. And I found it.
Curiosity killed the cat. Or in my case, poisoned my mind. What I have read scared me, it scared the hell out of me. It made me want to wretched and throw out all the good things inside of me. Curiosity killed me. It killed me a long time ago. I could not imagine why people go to all lengths to end their life but I will not deny that I have not thought of it myself.
CONFESSIONS
Television. TV. A TV set is such an entertaining piece. My young mind discovered how to commit suicide by just watching TV. I was seven and in first grade. The moment I got backed up in a corner after I committed a crime and was trialled, suicide swallowed my mind. I had a razor nearby and tears running down my face from the corners of my eyes, the door locked, pounding on the other side...what's the best escape? Death. I was eight at that time.
Through the years, I have never did try but it always crossed my mind. Suicide. I kept thinking what would have happened if i have died? Would they cry for me? Will they remember me? I was thinking thought that should never cross my mind. I planned my death. Set the date, set the place, set the knife I am going to use...it was because that time, my parents kept fighting. They're not even my real parents but at least I consider them as mine. But when the day I have to do it, I couldn't. I though, what would happen to my parents when I'm gone? I did not commit suicide that day, instead I moved it up and saved it for later. I was fourteen. And I had a best friend who supported my suicide plans...
I'm in college now, still alive. But one day, I got so depressed I couldn't understand why. I cried myself to sleep, became an insomniac, searched for pills, asked for sleeping tablets, drugs, liquor...i just woke up one day to find myself like that already. It took a few months to get over from depression. I knew what went wrong. I was stressed. I got stressed from school, the demand of both teachers and students, the club, trouble with the discipline, trouble with family matters, financial matters, friendships...it got out of control because I never say my problems to anyone yet i listen to anyone's problems. Heck, I even cheer them up. After recovering, I made myself over.
One day, I bought a scissor. They were nice silver pair, shiny and sharp. I was sitting in class and not paying attention because my mind was racing and I got very angry at something. I got out of control that I suddenly looped my fingers around the handle and began cutting my wrist. I was in class. And in uniform. And my friends, they all watched in horror.