[EXO Chanyeol/Baekhyun] Until Bone (It Was Always)
Title: Until Bone (It Was Always)
Pairings: (main) Chanyeol/Baekhyun, (minor) Kai/Kyungsoo, Chanyeol/Kyungsoo, Kai/Baekhyun, Kris/Tao
Genre: Angst
Word count: 2,000+
Warnings: Suicide, character death
Summary: Baekhyun has finally had enough of clinging to the shredded remains of his broken relationship. Chanyeol only realizes this far too late.
Until Bone
(It Was Always)
Kai, I can’t remember what I did when we first met to gain your interest. Whatever it was, I’m glad that you considered me interesting enough to warrant spending your time on me. Many times, the thought of giving up has crossed my mind but somehow, even on the worst days, you managed to brighten up my day. You always knew just when I needed cheering up, even when it wasn’t because of him. I’m eternally grateful to you. I think I could have been happy with you, but we were not meant to be. You belong with Kyungsoo and I have already wasted enough of your time that could have been better spent with him. You deserve happiness, and I hope you can find it with Kyungsoo.
Kyungsoo, I have never once begrudged you throughout this entire situation. To have the affections of two amazing people; it must simply be because you yourself are equally amazing, Do Kyungsoo. Far more superior than myself, at the very least. Again, I have never hated you. Do you remember how we used to skip the last hour of class on Fridays to drink hot coffee together and chat idly about everything? In my memories of our carefree days in university together, I always think of you fondly, but know this: I have not regarded you as a friend for the past year.
Chanyeol, how does it feel to have your cake and eat it too? I know you feel no remorse when I lie alone in our empty bed whilst you go out and have fun. Did I ever cross your mind when you were out with another boy or girl? You know, I asked myself so many questions because of you. What was so wrong about me that you craved the attention of another? What was so inherently repulsive about me that you had to chase after my friend? So many nights I sat and viciously tore myself apart as you lived with a guilt-free conscience. I wonder how many tears I have shed for you, Park Chanyeol. Countless times I’ve tried to leave you… but I think I am far too weak and pathetic to muster the nerve. Is that why you hate me? Am I a burden to you? I should have left, though - left you before you could leave me (as you surely will). Every day that I stay, I can sense my soul being sapped away piece by piece. I’m really tired of this, Chanyeol. Where did we go wrong? I’m so sorry. Is it sad that I still love you? I never stopped. I don’t think I can ever stop loving you. Perhaps that is the reason why I cannot bear to leave you - no one else that follows after you will ever be able to measure up. You have me trapped, Chanyeol, how vindictive. Are you even aware of your power over me? Even when you treat me like I’m worthless, I stubbornly cling to the flickering hope that we can return to how we used to be, yet I am left feeling perpetually disappointed. We used to be so happy. I’m really sorry it turned out like this. If it’s any consolation, you were my first and only.
Tao, you have been nothing but wonderful to me, a loyal presence by my side even when I have reached the lowest point of my life. Your unwavering support has given me the will to overcome the pain of living through each and every day thus far. But I am afraid to say that I have become greedy and it is no longer enough for me. You are a very precious friend that I will always cherish. You are like my brother - my family - to me and I love you. Please know that there was nothing you could have done for me that you had not already. I wish you all the happiness in the world, my friend.
Kris, the two of us were never particularly close, but I am aware that you pity me and I appreciate your sentiments. Please take care of Tao for me, I am sure you will.
Mom & Dad, I am sorry I turned out like this. If I had gone to medical school like you wanted, would we still be close? Would I have a nice girlfriend, a happier relationship? Or would I be in the same position as I am now but with different people. It is laughable, but I think I would still be with Chanyeol and he would still be cheating on me with a different Do Kyungsoo. It is regretful, but I had always wanted to make the both of you proud. I had always wanted to be successful and become someone deserving of being called your son. I suppose that dream will never be fulfilled now.
To anyone else who may find this, I think I will finally be free after this. I will no longer have to keep grasping hopelessly at the shredded remains of a failing relationship and broken spirit. I will no longer be burdening myself and others. I wonder what you think of me, reading this. Would you believe me if I told you that I am not normally a morbid or pessimistic person? People would undoubtedly describe me as an outgoing, exuberant and overall lively person. I imagine I have let them down.
Byun Baekhyun, born May 6th 1992, aged 21.
The story goes like this.
Today is third anniversary of Baekhyun’s relationship but the significance of the day is wasted on Chanyeol. On this day, Chanyeol plans on staying out late tonight; something he never used to do but has been doing with increasing frequency over the past six months. No longer as naïve as before, Baekhyun knows better by now than to expect anything else from Chanyeol (albeit, what he hopes for and what he expects are two separate entities). It was only after several incidences of Baekhyun’s wasted efforts and Chanyeol’s indifference before Baekhyun understood the painful truth; countless nights spent wallowing in self-pity before Baekhyun had finally accepted that he was no longer the sole occupant of Chanyeol’s thoughts.
This time, Baekhyun will not devotedly spend the night waiting for Chanyeol to come back home; praying he returns earlier and then praying he returns at all. Tonight, the lack of Chanyeol’s presence fits in perfectly with Baekhyun’s plans. In fact, it strengthens his resolve and justifies his decision. The idea has been formulating in Baekhyun’s mind over the past slow and agonizing weeks, giving him adequate time to ruminate and prepare himself. All it takes is a couple of deep breathes to calm any wavering thoughts that remain before Baekhyun deems himself ready.
The deathly silence of the apartment is broken only by the jarring scratch of the chair legs against the wooden floorboards as the sole occupant sits and with great care, writes and rewrites his final letter until he is satisfied; he folds it into three’s, slips it into a white envelope and lays it to rest on the dining table in plain sight.
Life can be cruel sometimes. Had Chanyeol not stopped on the way home to pick-up dinner, Baekhyun may only have been under for a couple of minutes before being discovered. Instead, when Chanyeol returns home, food in hand, he will certainly be too late. Make no mistake; Chanyeol certainly has no intentions of celebrating their anniversary or anything of that nature. He had indeed been planning on frivolously indulging in fun at a nightclub as predicted. Rather, Kris had persuaded him to retire early tonight, urging him to spend some time with Baekhyun and, when that alone was not sufficient, to at least get some of work done (no doubt, Tao had kindly informed Kris of what importance of the date to Baekhyun).
When Chanyeol first spots the letter (it is impossible to miss), he hollowly assumes Baekhyun has left him. Unconcerned as he is, a quick glance towards their bedroom verifies that although all of Baekhyun’s belongings are in place, Baekhyun himself isn’t there. Chanyeol observes that Baekhyun’s shoes appear to all be at doorway too. Curious now, Chanyeol begins reading the letter.
Halfway through, confusion morphs into dread and his hands can’t stop shaking.
He skims through the rest of Baekhyun’s last words.
Desperately, Chanyeol shouts Baekhyun’s name over and over again as he bolts through the apartment before finally checking the bathroom.
The water in the bathtub has long gone cold.
Chanyeol pulls Baekhyun out of the water and tries to resuscitate him. His efforts are useless. Baekhyun’s body is as cold as the bathtub’s water. Chanyeol’s hands still have not stopped shaking as he futilely calls the paramedics.
There is nothing that can be done.
For the following week, Chanyeol’s head is occupied with nothing but guilt and shame. Tao calls once, absolutely livid and voice quaking with rage, branding Chanyeol a ‘liar and murderer’ and screaming obscenities in every language he knows. Chanyeol doesn’t try to defend himself; all of Tao’s accusations are true.
Throughout the next month, Kai sends Chanyeol scathing messages regularly and publicly makes his dislike known the handful of times they meet in person. Tao only calls once more to lecture Chanyeol with more composure. He bluntly states that even in death, Chanyeol is still dishonouring Baekhyun - selfishly, Chanyeol only thinks about what he could have done differently to prevent Baekhyun’s suicide; to prevent being blamed for Baekhyun’s death. Did you ever once think, ‘what could I have done differently to make Baekhyun happy?’ Tao refuses to speak to Chanyeol again hereafter.
Although Kris does not outwardly blame him, Kris’ disappointment is so palpable it feels like an oppressive force around Chanyeol’s lungs, making it hard to breathe. News spreads fast and their other friends also awkwardly skirt the issue. Chanyeol stops hanging out with them the third time Sehun cuts himself off after saying ‘Baek-‘.
The only person that treats Chanyeol the same as he always did is Kyungsoo. But merely being in Kyungsoo’s presence makes Chanyeol feel so guilty he wants to vomit.
In the end, Chanyeol isolates himself to the bedroom and does the only thing he can - he thinks and thinks and thinks. In his self-imposed exile, Chanyeol slowly drives himself crazy. Everything in the bedroom reminds him of Baekhyun and when he finally pushes pass all the guilt and shame and regret - when he finally feels as though he can breathe again - all Chanyeol can think of is how much he misses Baekhyun. In hindsight, Chanyeol realizes it’s been over half a year since he was willingly in the same room as Baekhyun for more than necessary. How could he even let that happen? Since when had Baekhyun become a presence he wanted to avoid? The two of us used to be inseparable since high school, even more so when we started dating in uni. Chanyeol and Baekhyun, Baekhyun and Chanyeol. Never one without the other. I can’t believe I was so stupid to make you feel like that.
Baekhyun…
Three months after Baekhyun’s death, Chanyeol leaves a note on the dining table.
The note reads:
I know you didn’t intend for me to follow you so soon. I’m sorry I hurt you in this life.
I’m sorry it took you doing this for me to realize what I should have known all along.
Wait for me, okay? I won’t abandon you a second time. It’ll be just the two of us again, I promise.
I miss you. I love you. Please forgive me.
I’m coming, Baekhyun. You won’t be alone anymore.
Chanyeol & Baekhyun, just like it should be.
Forever and always.
+ I’m sorry I made everyone unhappy ;A;
+ This was inspired by the recent Kaibaek and Chansoo moments (and way too much Corpse Party)
+ I’d like to say that I don’t advocate suicide. There’s always a way out.
+ Also, cheating sucks. Don’t do it.
+ Some headcanon/extra notes about the fic!
Thanks for reading~
Also did I make you cry? I was aiming for that but I think I failed ._.
Pairings: (main) Chanyeol/Baekhyun, (minor) Kai/Kyungsoo, Chanyeol/Kyungsoo, Kai/Baekhyun, Kris/Tao
Genre: Angst
Word count: 2,000+
Warnings: Suicide, character death
Summary: Baekhyun has finally had enough of clinging to the shredded remains of his broken relationship. Chanyeol only realizes this far too late.
Until Bone
(It Was Always)
Kai, I can’t remember what I did when we first met to gain your interest. Whatever it was, I’m glad that you considered me interesting enough to warrant spending your time on me. Many times, the thought of giving up has crossed my mind but somehow, even on the worst days, you managed to brighten up my day. You always knew just when I needed cheering up, even when it wasn’t because of him. I’m eternally grateful to you. I think I could have been happy with you, but we were not meant to be. You belong with Kyungsoo and I have already wasted enough of your time that could have been better spent with him. You deserve happiness, and I hope you can find it with Kyungsoo.
Kyungsoo, I have never once begrudged you throughout this entire situation. To have the affections of two amazing people; it must simply be because you yourself are equally amazing, Do Kyungsoo. Far more superior than myself, at the very least. Again, I have never hated you. Do you remember how we used to skip the last hour of class on Fridays to drink hot coffee together and chat idly about everything? In my memories of our carefree days in university together, I always think of you fondly, but know this: I have not regarded you as a friend for the past year.
Chanyeol, how does it feel to have your cake and eat it too? I know you feel no remorse when I lie alone in our empty bed whilst you go out and have fun. Did I ever cross your mind when you were out with another boy or girl? You know, I asked myself so many questions because of you. What was so wrong about me that you craved the attention of another? What was so inherently repulsive about me that you had to chase after my friend? So many nights I sat and viciously tore myself apart as you lived with a guilt-free conscience. I wonder how many tears I have shed for you, Park Chanyeol. Countless times I’ve tried to leave you… but I think I am far too weak and pathetic to muster the nerve. Is that why you hate me? Am I a burden to you? I should have left, though - left you before you could leave me (as you surely will). Every day that I stay, I can sense my soul being sapped away piece by piece. I’m really tired of this, Chanyeol. Where did we go wrong? I’m so sorry. Is it sad that I still love you? I never stopped. I don’t think I can ever stop loving you. Perhaps that is the reason why I cannot bear to leave you - no one else that follows after you will ever be able to measure up. You have me trapped, Chanyeol, how vindictive. Are you even aware of your power over me? Even when you treat me like I’m worthless, I stubbornly cling to the flickering hope that we can return to how we used to be, yet I am left feeling perpetually disappointed. We used to be so happy. I’m really sorry it turned out like this. If it’s any consolation, you were my first and only.
Tao, you have been nothing but wonderful to me, a loyal presence by my side even when I have reached the lowest point of my life. Your unwavering support has given me the will to overcome the pain of living through each and every day thus far. But I am afraid to say that I have become greedy and it is no longer enough for me. You are a very precious friend that I will always cherish. You are like my brother - my family - to me and I love you. Please know that there was nothing you could have done for me that you had not already. I wish you all the happiness in the world, my friend.
Kris, the two of us were never particularly close, but I am aware that you pity me and I appreciate your sentiments. Please take care of Tao for me, I am sure you will.
Mom & Dad, I am sorry I turned out like this. If I had gone to medical school like you wanted, would we still be close? Would I have a nice girlfriend, a happier relationship? Or would I be in the same position as I am now but with different people. It is laughable, but I think I would still be with Chanyeol and he would still be cheating on me with a different Do Kyungsoo. It is regretful, but I had always wanted to make the both of you proud. I had always wanted to be successful and become someone deserving of being called your son. I suppose that dream will never be fulfilled now.
To anyone else who may find this, I think I will finally be free after this. I will no longer have to keep grasping hopelessly at the shredded remains of a failing relationship and broken spirit. I will no longer be burdening myself and others. I wonder what you think of me, reading this. Would you believe me if I told you that I am not normally a morbid or pessimistic person? People would undoubtedly describe me as an outgoing, exuberant and overall lively person. I imagine I have let them down.
Byun Baekhyun, born May 6th 1992, aged 21.
The story goes like this.
Today is third anniversary of Baekhyun’s relationship but the significance of the day is wasted on Chanyeol. On this day, Chanyeol plans on staying out late tonight; something he never used to do but has been doing with increasing frequency over the past six months. No longer as naïve as before, Baekhyun knows better by now than to expect anything else from Chanyeol (albeit, what he hopes for and what he expects are two separate entities). It was only after several incidences of Baekhyun’s wasted efforts and Chanyeol’s indifference before Baekhyun understood the painful truth; countless nights spent wallowing in self-pity before Baekhyun had finally accepted that he was no longer the sole occupant of Chanyeol’s thoughts.
This time, Baekhyun will not devotedly spend the night waiting for Chanyeol to come back home; praying he returns earlier and then praying he returns at all. Tonight, the lack of Chanyeol’s presence fits in perfectly with Baekhyun’s plans. In fact, it strengthens his resolve and justifies his decision. The idea has been formulating in Baekhyun’s mind over the past slow and agonizing weeks, giving him adequate time to ruminate and prepare himself. All it takes is a couple of deep breathes to calm any wavering thoughts that remain before Baekhyun deems himself ready.
The deathly silence of the apartment is broken only by the jarring scratch of the chair legs against the wooden floorboards as the sole occupant sits and with great care, writes and rewrites his final letter until he is satisfied; he folds it into three’s, slips it into a white envelope and lays it to rest on the dining table in plain sight.
Life can be cruel sometimes. Had Chanyeol not stopped on the way home to pick-up dinner, Baekhyun may only have been under for a couple of minutes before being discovered. Instead, when Chanyeol returns home, food in hand, he will certainly be too late. Make no mistake; Chanyeol certainly has no intentions of celebrating their anniversary or anything of that nature. He had indeed been planning on frivolously indulging in fun at a nightclub as predicted. Rather, Kris had persuaded him to retire early tonight, urging him to spend some time with Baekhyun and, when that alone was not sufficient, to at least get some of work done (no doubt, Tao had kindly informed Kris of what importance of the date to Baekhyun).
When Chanyeol first spots the letter (it is impossible to miss), he hollowly assumes Baekhyun has left him. Unconcerned as he is, a quick glance towards their bedroom verifies that although all of Baekhyun’s belongings are in place, Baekhyun himself isn’t there. Chanyeol observes that Baekhyun’s shoes appear to all be at doorway too. Curious now, Chanyeol begins reading the letter.
Halfway through, confusion morphs into dread and his hands can’t stop shaking.
He skims through the rest of Baekhyun’s last words.
Desperately, Chanyeol shouts Baekhyun’s name over and over again as he bolts through the apartment before finally checking the bathroom.
The water in the bathtub has long gone cold.
Chanyeol pulls Baekhyun out of the water and tries to resuscitate him. His efforts are useless. Baekhyun’s body is as cold as the bathtub’s water. Chanyeol’s hands still have not stopped shaking as he futilely calls the paramedics.
There is nothing that can be done.
For the following week, Chanyeol’s head is occupied with nothing but guilt and shame. Tao calls once, absolutely livid and voice quaking with rage, branding Chanyeol a ‘liar and murderer’ and screaming obscenities in every language he knows. Chanyeol doesn’t try to defend himself; all of Tao’s accusations are true.
Throughout the next month, Kai sends Chanyeol scathing messages regularly and publicly makes his dislike known the handful of times they meet in person. Tao only calls once more to lecture Chanyeol with more composure. He bluntly states that even in death, Chanyeol is still dishonouring Baekhyun - selfishly, Chanyeol only thinks about what he could have done differently to prevent Baekhyun’s suicide; to prevent being blamed for Baekhyun’s death. Did you ever once think, ‘what could I have done differently to make Baekhyun happy?’ Tao refuses to speak to Chanyeol again hereafter.
Although Kris does not outwardly blame him, Kris’ disappointment is so palpable it feels like an oppressive force around Chanyeol’s lungs, making it hard to breathe. News spreads fast and their other friends also awkwardly skirt the issue. Chanyeol stops hanging out with them the third time Sehun cuts himself off after saying ‘Baek-‘.
The only person that treats Chanyeol the same as he always did is Kyungsoo. But merely being in Kyungsoo’s presence makes Chanyeol feel so guilty he wants to vomit.
In the end, Chanyeol isolates himself to the bedroom and does the only thing he can - he thinks and thinks and thinks. In his self-imposed exile, Chanyeol slowly drives himself crazy. Everything in the bedroom reminds him of Baekhyun and when he finally pushes pass all the guilt and shame and regret - when he finally feels as though he can breathe again - all Chanyeol can think of is how much he misses Baekhyun. In hindsight, Chanyeol realizes it’s been over half a year since he was willingly in the same room as Baekhyun for more than necessary. How could he even let that happen? Since when had Baekhyun become a presence he wanted to avoid? The two of us used to be inseparable since high school, even more so when we started dating in uni. Chanyeol and Baekhyun, Baekhyun and Chanyeol. Never one without the other. I can’t believe I was so stupid to make you feel like that.
Baekhyun…
Three months after Baekhyun’s death, Chanyeol leaves a note on the dining table.
The note reads:
I know you didn’t intend for me to follow you so soon. I’m sorry I hurt you in this life.
I’m sorry it took you doing this for me to realize what I should have known all along.
Wait for me, okay? I won’t abandon you a second time. It’ll be just the two of us again, I promise.
I miss you. I love you. Please forgive me.
I’m coming, Baekhyun. You won’t be alone anymore.
Chanyeol & Baekhyun, just like it should be.
Forever and always.
+ I’m sorry I made everyone unhappy ;A;
+ This was inspired by the recent Kaibaek and Chansoo moments (and way too much Corpse Party)
+ I’d like to say that I don’t advocate suicide. There’s always a way out.
+ Also, cheating sucks. Don’t do it.
+ Some headcanon/extra notes about the fic!
Thanks for reading~
Also did I make you cry? I was aiming for that but I think I failed ._.