Long Time Listener....
It's been a while since I've posted... but I'm not sure it really matters. I've been trying to overcome my stupidly depressed mood as late, but every time I seem to emerge from the shadows, something else overtakes me and I'm right back to where I started. My medication is correctly balanced and my weight is still dropping, so why do I feel..
So...
ALONE.
There's nothing wrong with my marriage or my relationship with Joe, so don't get the wrong idea. But I'm trying to reach out and no one seems to be there. This is my dark, immature and selfish side talking because I know everyone else is having their own problems and have their own lives. It's just hard realizing that I'm not a part of those lives anymore. And worse, that my problems aren't any more special than anyone else's so how in the world am I supposed to stand out as someone who needs... no... deserves special attention.
I can't. And I'm not even sure I really want to. I hate the way my dark thoughts are going, but I need to get this out.
I've let everyone down. How can I sit on the sidelines and cheer for everyone else, when I feel like I'm invisible and insignificant? I don't have monumental relationship problems, nor do I have critical money trouble. My house isn't being foreclosed and I have a stable (if not supremely annoying) job with good money and great benefits. And yet, I'm unhappy. Very unhappy. So unhappy I want to hide and cry or run away forever or..
I've tried reaching out to friends on Facebook to see if they had any thoughts on which directions I should take my life. Should I go back to school (again...) or maybe try something different? I did get some good feedback and advice from two or three people. And also got some great commiserating from others who are in my same position. But for the people who are close to me (in-town locally, and mostly related to me by blood) silence. Or worse yet, a quick "Yep, sucks for you."
Suck it up, kid.
So now to the part where I ask myself what I ask Joe or anyone else... "So, what are you going to do about it?" Honestly, I don't know. I've been all but invisible my entire life. No one's really felt the need to look out for me specially because everyone's always assumed that I was the one who had it all together.
SO, WHY THE HELL DON'T I?
I'm not one who falls over myself wanting special treatment or even expecting it. But damn, it would be nice every now and then. Ever wonder why I never seem to get embarrassed in public or when I'm in costume riding the city bus or in a nice restaurant after a long day at a con?
I know I'll find my way out of this soon. But for now, I guess I'm just stuck wandering around blindly. I've been scared of not being able to see since I was 10.
So...
ALONE.
There's nothing wrong with my marriage or my relationship with Joe, so don't get the wrong idea. But I'm trying to reach out and no one seems to be there. This is my dark, immature and selfish side talking because I know everyone else is having their own problems and have their own lives. It's just hard realizing that I'm not a part of those lives anymore. And worse, that my problems aren't any more special than anyone else's so how in the world am I supposed to stand out as someone who needs... no... deserves special attention.
I can't. And I'm not even sure I really want to. I hate the way my dark thoughts are going, but I need to get this out.
I've let everyone down. How can I sit on the sidelines and cheer for everyone else, when I feel like I'm invisible and insignificant? I don't have monumental relationship problems, nor do I have critical money trouble. My house isn't being foreclosed and I have a stable (if not supremely annoying) job with good money and great benefits. And yet, I'm unhappy. Very unhappy. So unhappy I want to hide and cry or run away forever or..
I've tried reaching out to friends on Facebook to see if they had any thoughts on which directions I should take my life. Should I go back to school (again...) or maybe try something different? I did get some good feedback and advice from two or three people. And also got some great commiserating from others who are in my same position. But for the people who are close to me (in-town locally, and mostly related to me by blood) silence. Or worse yet, a quick "Yep, sucks for you."
Suck it up, kid.
So now to the part where I ask myself what I ask Joe or anyone else... "So, what are you going to do about it?" Honestly, I don't know. I've been all but invisible my entire life. No one's really felt the need to look out for me specially because everyone's always assumed that I was the one who had it all together.
SO, WHY THE HELL DON'T I?
I'm not one who falls over myself wanting special treatment or even expecting it. But damn, it would be nice every now and then. Ever wonder why I never seem to get embarrassed in public or when I'm in costume riding the city bus or in a nice restaurant after a long day at a con?
I know I'll find my way out of this soon. But for now, I guess I'm just stuck wandering around blindly. I've been scared of not being able to see since I was 10.