guess i'll go eat worms..............
if you recall the first half of that verse, it goes something like this: nobody likes me, everybody hates me.
this post is self-explanatory. i'm pissed off, upset, and i need to rant.
to sum up my day, i wasn't even allowed the luxury of sleeping in, had a miserable day in school, missed my bus by a minute, overslept and missed my stop, came home only to find that the guy repairing the cracks in the floor not only KNOCKED OVER ONE OF MY PLANTS, but DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO PUT THE SOIL BACK IN, my room was still messed up due to said guy, and that my PoT poster had all but fallen off my wall, hanging by a few blobs of blu-tack, and i would've curled up on my bed to cry except that i HAVE NO BLOODY TIME TO DO SO.
T.T i really DID almost cry. i almost cried in the library, when i wasted more than 2 hours trying to find research journals, because NO ONE WOULD FUCKING HELP ME OUT. i almost cried when i saw my poor plants knocked over, when they'd been fine when i left the house. i almost cried during and after i called my mom to see if she could go get me some chocolate because i couldn't find a decent bar in the shop in school (because the other shop was closed by then, due to the fact that i'd wasted my time in the library blah blah blah).
but i have to edit slides and stuff for my research methods project by tonight, i have a practical exam tomorrow morning, and my assignment is due on friday, noon, and i still have no articles to use.
i was caught between cursing the bus driver (when i jaywalked across the bus-park lane at the yio chu kang interchange) and just staying there so that he could run me over. but he'd stopped the bus by then to honk at me, so if he had run me down, it'd be a criminal offence, and i don't think he's that stupid. oh, so many lovely thoughts of suicide, quitting my course, and numerous other horrible endings to my future crossed my mind, as they usually do when i'm upset. i can't remember the last time i felt so alone and frustrated and utterly drained.
if i could measure it, i think my depression levels would be at an all-time low today. even though i DID eat my left-over chocolate during one lecture earlier.
i don't think anyone in my class likes me. i couldn't find any journals earlier, so i SMS-ed 2 whom i knew were doing the same question as me, for some help. one didn't reply after finding out who i was, the other kept giving me vague replies. it's not like i was asking them to hand over their journal articles OR ELSE, but i just needed some bloody help!!!
ask and i'll receive indeed.
I'VE BEEN BLOODY BEGGING AND NO ONE HAS BEEN FORTHCOMING WITH ANY ASSISSTANCE AT ALL!
i'll bet they think i'm some brainless kid who can't do anything by herself, who doesn't bother to think at all, and who can't be bothered to study, to practice.
well, let me say this first, before i admit to my laziness and slacker-habits. if i didn't feel so damn INTIMIDATED by my clas, if i didn't feel like they all hated me, if i didn't feel like they'd laugh at me, maybe i'd actually voice out my opinions during class like i used to do in my previous schools and classes. maybe i'd go practice for my practicals more because i wouldn't be too afraid to ask if they would mind staying back for awhile. maybe i'd actually feel COMFORTABLE in their presence.
they trade their journal articles with each other, but they won't even help me.
during practical classes, when we're supposed to be practicing what the lecturer just demon strated, i'm usually the only left standing around, watching, because none of the other groups want to let me join them, and the two guys i sit with (because i don't think any of the girls want me to sit with them) usually don't want me to practice on them. one of them said that he didn't want me to go practice on him (during one practical) because i'll cause him pain. this, by the way, coming from the same guy who lets the the other guy manhandle him all he wants during practicals. that other guy constantly just uses all his strength (he's the tallest, strongest guy in the class) in performing the tests and all.
and i'm a girl. and he won't even let me try.
and it's like i'm proving to them how horrible a student i am each time we get results from one test or another back. we've studied it before under psychology: self-fullfilling prophesies. they have this particular conception of me, and hence treat me in a certain manner, and in doing so, i end up producing results that only reinforce that misconception that they ahve of me.
and one thing plain hurts.
they didn't remembered my birthday.
they get fired up getting the others presents or cake, or a card. and i don't think they even remembered mine. only khalijah remembered (mainly because we both had to take the supplementary paper that was on my birthday) and gave me something.
other than that, none of the the other people in my class even SMS-ed me a birthday greeting.
i've lost count of how many times i've wanted to quit my course now. i reckon that if i didn't feel so miserable, i'd actually ENJOY my modules. then i wouldn't be doing so badly.
and at the same time, i can't complain to my mom, or to my relatives, so everytime they ask, i just tell them that i'm enjoying my course.
it reminds me of that time in whistler, when i tried to climb up a section of the ski slope with my skis on. i kept sliding down with each step i took. and enev if i'd managed to get a few steps up, the next step just brought me sliding back down.
sometimes, i don't know why i bother trying to make myself happy. maybe if i stopped trying to cheer myself up, i'd finally get a breakdown, and then people would FINALLY notice how miserable i am. and then maybe things would get better. sort of like fire to fight fire. pain to fight pain.
i don't know what to do anymore. the end of this semester marks the half-way point in my 3-year course. and i don't know if i can hold out until i end it. and even if i did, so what? at the rate i'm going, i doubt i'll be able to get into any conversion course. so what would be the damn point anyway?
sometimes, i wish they would just come and read my LJ so that they'd feel bad and treat me nicer. but i think that would just piss me off, since i don't want their pity. i just want them to like me a little more, because i don't know what i did wrong that made them more or less ignore me like this.
i don't know how i'll find a group for my final year project, since it was hard enough getting a group for my research methods project.
...that's if i even survive to year 3.
...it's times like these when i wish that jackie was studying with me. then all problems would be solved, because i wouldn't have them in the first place.
or at least, it wouldn't cost me (or my mom) a bomb to go on a 2-hour-long bitching/crying phone-spree.
this post is self-explanatory. i'm pissed off, upset, and i need to rant.
to sum up my day, i wasn't even allowed the luxury of sleeping in, had a miserable day in school, missed my bus by a minute, overslept and missed my stop, came home only to find that the guy repairing the cracks in the floor not only KNOCKED OVER ONE OF MY PLANTS, but DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO PUT THE SOIL BACK IN, my room was still messed up due to said guy, and that my PoT poster had all but fallen off my wall, hanging by a few blobs of blu-tack, and i would've curled up on my bed to cry except that i HAVE NO BLOODY TIME TO DO SO.
T.T i really DID almost cry. i almost cried in the library, when i wasted more than 2 hours trying to find research journals, because NO ONE WOULD FUCKING HELP ME OUT. i almost cried when i saw my poor plants knocked over, when they'd been fine when i left the house. i almost cried during and after i called my mom to see if she could go get me some chocolate because i couldn't find a decent bar in the shop in school (because the other shop was closed by then, due to the fact that i'd wasted my time in the library blah blah blah).
but i have to edit slides and stuff for my research methods project by tonight, i have a practical exam tomorrow morning, and my assignment is due on friday, noon, and i still have no articles to use.
i was caught between cursing the bus driver (when i jaywalked across the bus-park lane at the yio chu kang interchange) and just staying there so that he could run me over. but he'd stopped the bus by then to honk at me, so if he had run me down, it'd be a criminal offence, and i don't think he's that stupid. oh, so many lovely thoughts of suicide, quitting my course, and numerous other horrible endings to my future crossed my mind, as they usually do when i'm upset. i can't remember the last time i felt so alone and frustrated and utterly drained.
if i could measure it, i think my depression levels would be at an all-time low today. even though i DID eat my left-over chocolate during one lecture earlier.
i don't think anyone in my class likes me. i couldn't find any journals earlier, so i SMS-ed 2 whom i knew were doing the same question as me, for some help. one didn't reply after finding out who i was, the other kept giving me vague replies. it's not like i was asking them to hand over their journal articles OR ELSE, but i just needed some bloody help!!!
ask and i'll receive indeed.
I'VE BEEN BLOODY BEGGING AND NO ONE HAS BEEN FORTHCOMING WITH ANY ASSISSTANCE AT ALL!
i'll bet they think i'm some brainless kid who can't do anything by herself, who doesn't bother to think at all, and who can't be bothered to study, to practice.
well, let me say this first, before i admit to my laziness and slacker-habits. if i didn't feel so damn INTIMIDATED by my clas, if i didn't feel like they all hated me, if i didn't feel like they'd laugh at me, maybe i'd actually voice out my opinions during class like i used to do in my previous schools and classes. maybe i'd go practice for my practicals more because i wouldn't be too afraid to ask if they would mind staying back for awhile. maybe i'd actually feel COMFORTABLE in their presence.
they trade their journal articles with each other, but they won't even help me.
during practical classes, when we're supposed to be practicing what the lecturer just demon strated, i'm usually the only left standing around, watching, because none of the other groups want to let me join them, and the two guys i sit with (because i don't think any of the girls want me to sit with them) usually don't want me to practice on them. one of them said that he didn't want me to go practice on him (during one practical) because i'll cause him pain. this, by the way, coming from the same guy who lets the the other guy manhandle him all he wants during practicals. that other guy constantly just uses all his strength (he's the tallest, strongest guy in the class) in performing the tests and all.
and i'm a girl. and he won't even let me try.
and it's like i'm proving to them how horrible a student i am each time we get results from one test or another back. we've studied it before under psychology: self-fullfilling prophesies. they have this particular conception of me, and hence treat me in a certain manner, and in doing so, i end up producing results that only reinforce that misconception that they ahve of me.
and one thing plain hurts.
they didn't remembered my birthday.
they get fired up getting the others presents or cake, or a card. and i don't think they even remembered mine. only khalijah remembered (mainly because we both had to take the supplementary paper that was on my birthday) and gave me something.
other than that, none of the the other people in my class even SMS-ed me a birthday greeting.
i've lost count of how many times i've wanted to quit my course now. i reckon that if i didn't feel so miserable, i'd actually ENJOY my modules. then i wouldn't be doing so badly.
and at the same time, i can't complain to my mom, or to my relatives, so everytime they ask, i just tell them that i'm enjoying my course.
it reminds me of that time in whistler, when i tried to climb up a section of the ski slope with my skis on. i kept sliding down with each step i took. and enev if i'd managed to get a few steps up, the next step just brought me sliding back down.
sometimes, i don't know why i bother trying to make myself happy. maybe if i stopped trying to cheer myself up, i'd finally get a breakdown, and then people would FINALLY notice how miserable i am. and then maybe things would get better. sort of like fire to fight fire. pain to fight pain.
i don't know what to do anymore. the end of this semester marks the half-way point in my 3-year course. and i don't know if i can hold out until i end it. and even if i did, so what? at the rate i'm going, i doubt i'll be able to get into any conversion course. so what would be the damn point anyway?
sometimes, i wish they would just come and read my LJ so that they'd feel bad and treat me nicer. but i think that would just piss me off, since i don't want their pity. i just want them to like me a little more, because i don't know what i did wrong that made them more or less ignore me like this.
i don't know how i'll find a group for my final year project, since it was hard enough getting a group for my research methods project.
...that's if i even survive to year 3.
...it's times like these when i wish that jackie was studying with me. then all problems would be solved, because i wouldn't have them in the first place.
or at least, it wouldn't cost me (or my mom) a bomb to go on a 2-hour-long bitching/crying phone-spree.