Smoke Free
It is only 3am but I am wide awake with a restlessness that I remember from a year ago: it is the uneasiness of chemical withdraw. I haven't smoked a cigarette in 5 days, haven't had nicotine in any form for 2. I chewed nicotine gum for the first couple days to take the edge off, but I decided I didn't want to coddle myself. So here I am.
It is truly amazing to look back on the last year and realize that I have something in common with the person I was before I got sober. I am so much more aware of myself, stronger, healthier... and I know now what it takes to kick a physically addictive habit. I know it's going to be hard for a long time. But I also know the rewards for succeeding. I feel such a pure sense of pride, not boastful, just simple pride in myself for taking back responsibility for my life instead of sinking farther into the fog of drug use. I am still angry at myself for ever making a habit out of running away, but I am proud of myself for the past year. For the first time, I have done something that truly surprised myself. I surpassed my own expectations.
In some ways, I am glad events played out the way they did so that I could eventually come to be aware of my own strength. I never knew I could be so disciplined. If there is ever a conflict between my weakest half and my strongest half, the height of my greatness will surpass the depth of my cowardice. I find great comfort in knowing that I know how to decide now.
So I'm not really worried that I will smoke a cigarette. I am annoyed by the pestering of my body as it cries out for the drugs it has relied on and expected. My body is like a petulant child, throwing a little tantrum when I refuse to allow it those chemicals for the first time in 10 years. Of course it is going to revolt! I've been dealing with stress and anxiety by taking the easy (albeit deadly) way out of smoking for over a decade! Naturally, my body is not just going to adjust overnight. I have years of habitual behavior to undo. The physical discomfort is just the first battle. After that, the real war begins. The pathways of my thought when coping with stress all rely on some outside influence... and if I am going to achieve true discipline of mind and body, I must unlearn those methods and replace them with self-reliant coping strategies. I don't know yet what that will look like, but I am acting first to correct bad action, and I assume correcting my bad thinking will come in time, after the chemical dependency subsides.
I know that the muscle soreness is a side effect. I'm sore because I'm tense, I'm tense because my body is going through withdraw. I know that my teeth hurt because I'm unconsciously grinding my teeth. I know that my mind is racing because it is used to relying on cigarettes for dopamine, relaxing chemicals whose names I can't pronounce, plus 60+ other "positive" affects that reduce pain, increase alertness and metabolism, and generally make smokers feel euphoric. I'm not surprised that nicotine addiction is comparable to heroine addiction... it hurts to not smoke.
Why aren't people afraid of smoking the way they are of using heroine then? Because it doesn't kill you as fast? Instant gratification is a higher incentive than slow painful death is a deterrent? I could use this experience to study human nature... if only I could concentrate on anything besides the incredible stiffness in my shoulders and neck... This is why people who are quitting are snappy and short tempered... I want to yell....... It's not intense pain, it's just constant and insidious.
I know I can win this. I'm just kicking myself the whole way for being susceptible to this addiction in the first place. I will win this.
It is truly amazing to look back on the last year and realize that I have something in common with the person I was before I got sober. I am so much more aware of myself, stronger, healthier... and I know now what it takes to kick a physically addictive habit. I know it's going to be hard for a long time. But I also know the rewards for succeeding. I feel such a pure sense of pride, not boastful, just simple pride in myself for taking back responsibility for my life instead of sinking farther into the fog of drug use. I am still angry at myself for ever making a habit out of running away, but I am proud of myself for the past year. For the first time, I have done something that truly surprised myself. I surpassed my own expectations.
In some ways, I am glad events played out the way they did so that I could eventually come to be aware of my own strength. I never knew I could be so disciplined. If there is ever a conflict between my weakest half and my strongest half, the height of my greatness will surpass the depth of my cowardice. I find great comfort in knowing that I know how to decide now.
So I'm not really worried that I will smoke a cigarette. I am annoyed by the pestering of my body as it cries out for the drugs it has relied on and expected. My body is like a petulant child, throwing a little tantrum when I refuse to allow it those chemicals for the first time in 10 years. Of course it is going to revolt! I've been dealing with stress and anxiety by taking the easy (albeit deadly) way out of smoking for over a decade! Naturally, my body is not just going to adjust overnight. I have years of habitual behavior to undo. The physical discomfort is just the first battle. After that, the real war begins. The pathways of my thought when coping with stress all rely on some outside influence... and if I am going to achieve true discipline of mind and body, I must unlearn those methods and replace them with self-reliant coping strategies. I don't know yet what that will look like, but I am acting first to correct bad action, and I assume correcting my bad thinking will come in time, after the chemical dependency subsides.
I know that the muscle soreness is a side effect. I'm sore because I'm tense, I'm tense because my body is going through withdraw. I know that my teeth hurt because I'm unconsciously grinding my teeth. I know that my mind is racing because it is used to relying on cigarettes for dopamine, relaxing chemicals whose names I can't pronounce, plus 60+ other "positive" affects that reduce pain, increase alertness and metabolism, and generally make smokers feel euphoric. I'm not surprised that nicotine addiction is comparable to heroine addiction... it hurts to not smoke.
Why aren't people afraid of smoking the way they are of using heroine then? Because it doesn't kill you as fast? Instant gratification is a higher incentive than slow painful death is a deterrent? I could use this experience to study human nature... if only I could concentrate on anything besides the incredible stiffness in my shoulders and neck... This is why people who are quitting are snappy and short tempered... I want to yell....... It's not intense pain, it's just constant and insidious.
I know I can win this. I'm just kicking myself the whole way for being susceptible to this addiction in the first place. I will win this.