i don't post here much anymore. all of these userpic photos are so old.
i have noticed this thing about my face that i don't like.
i think it makes me look old.
now, kira, is it possible that this attribute has been there for a while, and didn't just arrive?
i think about that. i think, no. it's new. it just got here, just in the last few days. and it makes me look less happy. or maybe i am just less happy.
i have been 30 for 12 days now.
i am not young any more. simply, i used to be young, but i'm not any more. 'growing older' sounds like the kind of thing that would of course take time. it should take years. but it happened for me in a few days. just in the past few days. i am not young anymore.
this morning in the shower i had a thought i can't remember now, but it started with "geez i'm 29 and i..." and then another thought cut me off, to say quietly, apologetically, gently to myself, "no. no honey, you're not. you're 30. remember? remember the cake?"
i know i am not as old as some.
but i can feel that i am not young. my face is falling. i look droopy. i am depressed. at least in the face i am weary.
*
2014. what a strange year. got fired on january 2nd. on the first business day of the calendar year, and i was out of business.
i have had so, so much time the past 6 months.
i have tried to keep active and do things, and wow have i ever. there is a long list of chances i took and opportunities i seized because being out of work meant i had the freedom to do so. but that list still wasn't enough to fill my days as much as having a job used to. even going to conferences, doing shows, taking a few trips, going out dancing lots... even with all that, there were days and days where i did nothing, saw no one, didn't go out, didn't get dressed.
i used to talk to maybe a hundred people a day. i used to wear nylons and nice shoes and make-up every single day and take a taxi and a bus and walk to the store and buy lunch and file things and answer the phone and put purchases in bags.
so now, what am i doing with that freedom?
sometimes i just watch tv. often i read shit on the internet.
and lots and lots of times i think and over analyze.
what a weird 6 months it has been for that. every heartbreak, every rejection, it sits longer. i don't have to stop crying to get up and go to work. i don't have much to distract me on the regular. i just stew in it sometimes. feeling excluded or slighted or sorry for myself. i've had lots of times to feel, and lots of those feelings have been bad.
good things have happened too, but so many bad feelings, that just don't go away.
my daily life is so different now than it used to be.
just about every day i think about cleaning my room, but instead i clean something else, or nothing. now my room is so messy that i just can't. i used to think if i didn't have a job i would get in there and make it look amazing. i have been saying that for a long time.
i am really, really surprised when i realize it has been 6 months i have not had a job. the passage of time is so strange. if someone had told me "you have 6 months off, what do you want to do?" it would not have been this.
i mean, it is not all bad. but i am disappointed in myself for not making better use of it.
i don't wish i was at work though. that place was really hard to go to at the end.
it hurt my self esteem i think. so it's good i'm not there. but i don't know how to build my self-esteem back up again. i feel like i am really failing very badly.
and i feel old. and i feel like it is too late to be any of the things i wanted to be, and too late to be beautiful or get a master's degree or be a good person. i am scared to take the steps to improve or i don't know how.
i feel like i have grown a lot in my life and improved areas that needed improving, but lately it's like i've just stopped, or even regressed? i'm more anxious now or something.
i'm sad too. less suicidal, but more sad.
my heart feels broken a lot of the time and i am missing the joy that i used to get from other people that i don't get any more, and that i don't know how to make for myself.
i think it makes me look old.
now, kira, is it possible that this attribute has been there for a while, and didn't just arrive?
i think about that. i think, no. it's new. it just got here, just in the last few days. and it makes me look less happy. or maybe i am just less happy.
i have been 30 for 12 days now.
i am not young any more. simply, i used to be young, but i'm not any more. 'growing older' sounds like the kind of thing that would of course take time. it should take years. but it happened for me in a few days. just in the past few days. i am not young anymore.
this morning in the shower i had a thought i can't remember now, but it started with "geez i'm 29 and i..." and then another thought cut me off, to say quietly, apologetically, gently to myself, "no. no honey, you're not. you're 30. remember? remember the cake?"
i know i am not as old as some.
but i can feel that i am not young. my face is falling. i look droopy. i am depressed. at least in the face i am weary.
*
2014. what a strange year. got fired on january 2nd. on the first business day of the calendar year, and i was out of business.
i have had so, so much time the past 6 months.
i have tried to keep active and do things, and wow have i ever. there is a long list of chances i took and opportunities i seized because being out of work meant i had the freedom to do so. but that list still wasn't enough to fill my days as much as having a job used to. even going to conferences, doing shows, taking a few trips, going out dancing lots... even with all that, there were days and days where i did nothing, saw no one, didn't go out, didn't get dressed.
i used to talk to maybe a hundred people a day. i used to wear nylons and nice shoes and make-up every single day and take a taxi and a bus and walk to the store and buy lunch and file things and answer the phone and put purchases in bags.
so now, what am i doing with that freedom?
sometimes i just watch tv. often i read shit on the internet.
and lots and lots of times i think and over analyze.
what a weird 6 months it has been for that. every heartbreak, every rejection, it sits longer. i don't have to stop crying to get up and go to work. i don't have much to distract me on the regular. i just stew in it sometimes. feeling excluded or slighted or sorry for myself. i've had lots of times to feel, and lots of those feelings have been bad.
good things have happened too, but so many bad feelings, that just don't go away.
my daily life is so different now than it used to be.
just about every day i think about cleaning my room, but instead i clean something else, or nothing. now my room is so messy that i just can't. i used to think if i didn't have a job i would get in there and make it look amazing. i have been saying that for a long time.
i am really, really surprised when i realize it has been 6 months i have not had a job. the passage of time is so strange. if someone had told me "you have 6 months off, what do you want to do?" it would not have been this.
i mean, it is not all bad. but i am disappointed in myself for not making better use of it.
i don't wish i was at work though. that place was really hard to go to at the end.
it hurt my self esteem i think. so it's good i'm not there. but i don't know how to build my self-esteem back up again. i feel like i am really failing very badly.
and i feel old. and i feel like it is too late to be any of the things i wanted to be, and too late to be beautiful or get a master's degree or be a good person. i am scared to take the steps to improve or i don't know how.
i feel like i have grown a lot in my life and improved areas that needed improving, but lately it's like i've just stopped, or even regressed? i'm more anxious now or something.
i'm sad too. less suicidal, but more sad.
my heart feels broken a lot of the time and i am missing the joy that i used to get from other people that i don't get any more, and that i don't know how to make for myself.